How to Convince My Parents: I am Responsible!

Did you read post 16? Esp towards the end. They are trying to keep her safe. She (and they) recognizes her limitations in life experience (lacking a college degree, dealing with bipolar) that might make things easier?

I know I said I need their approval, but the thing is...I can move out if I wanted to...it's completely my decision to buy whatever car I want even if it's not practical...I can take out a loan for $22k and go to beauty school if I wanted to...I can live wherever I'd like, whether it's in California with or without a roommate or with my grandparents or in Oregon or even Paris if I really wanted to.

It's not that I need their approval, but as I've said before, with my history of hospitalization and what I've gone through to get to be where I am...it's still very difficult for me to make big decisions. Finding a long-term, FT career, for example, is a huge decision for me. My mom said during the past couple years I've made a major shift in my critical thinking and my determination to find a life long career, and my parents and I talk a lot about my strengths and weaknesses and career options. I also go to therapy to discuss how to improve in my career, which starts with managing the bipolar. But my parents didn't just say "You can't have a job we don't approve of", but if I said, "Oh, what about this job?" they would say, "Well, you're good at this, this, and this, so it will play to these strengths, but you also have trouble with this, this, and this, so it's something to think about." But like I said, it's very difficult for me to make important decisions. I do doubt my capabilities and my critical thinking and I need to ask if I'm making a wise decision. I'd like to say I am very smart and capable in most areas, and my parents do let me make my own decisions, but if it's a major decision such as taking on more responsibility, I want to be sure it's smart and realistic and I when I talk with my parents it's usually a sit-down discussion and it's open conversation, and their advice has never failed me and I trust them and that they want the best for me and to be successful. I hope that makes sense.

Ok I understand all of that and this makes more sense but I'll tell you that this brings up new questions for me. First one would be are you're sure you're not giving too much credit to their opinions and minimizing your own ability to know what you want and can do? Unfortunately making decisions and learning how to make them wisely takes f*ing it up at first, learning, and fixing things, doing the right things next time. I am not sure that this overt control over your decisions is helping with your own self confidence and ability to move forward as an adult.

If you are never given the ability to mess up you're never going to figure out first hand what it's like to deal with the mess you made and therefore you won't have gained the confidence that you can make better decisions. They say they (I think you mentioned earlier) are wanting you to spread your wings and I'm not saying your parents have any kind of ulterior motive but I think they are exhibiting the classic difficulty of actually letting their children go.. It's hard. Truth is though either you have to break free and brute force your way through life and possibly taking the beating along the way or you may find it very slow going in learning to spread those wings... the wings you were given will atrophy and as time goes on it will be harder than ever to be independent. ok ok end lecture

But to the point about the dog and any other rules, until you are really independent and on your own, you have to really abide but the rules of the house, unfortunately and in this case it's your parents' rules.

As a solution, I think making a plan for how to show them your independence, responsibility and such would be a good one. Start with telling them (politely) that you can't make your own decisions until they fully let you make a few. You can't prove yourself with their guidance being so overbearing. Ask them to let you do what you feel is right and make yoru mistakes. Idk, use my words if you find any truth and usefulness in them.

Just trying to help and hopefully you find something in this long post that's useful and helpful.

But how exactly do I do that? I clearly can't pack up my bags and say bye...I don't want that at all. But how do I keep my independence and prove I am responsible while living under their roof? I've said before, they have to make it seem like it's their idea in order to really want to move forward, and my mom just said no extra responsibility until I get settled in with my new job, because of the mania spurts she says I get overwhelmed really easily if I take on too much.

EDIT: I really don't know what I could do to be more responsible.

Well first off you need to speak up for yourself and not back down. You can do this respectfully. When someone feels the need to over-manage your life you're the only one that can fight it. you have to stand up and speak out about this. telling them that if they dont' allow you to make any decision how are they going to know that you even can make good ones? If you have a therapist I would say maybe talking tot hem about how learning how to assert yourself more with your parents

My parents are coming home TOMORROW (Wed) from vacation. I don't know how great of an idea it is to have a discussion with them then, although I did mention to my mom I did want to have a conversation about taking on more responsibilities.

BUT

I do want to have this discussion and I want to be prepared with examples and a list of things I can do to be more responsible. You can look back at my post of things I do now, which I can share my parents, and I also would like to have a list of ideas of little things and big things I can do plus short term and long term goals I can strive for to becoming independent and responsible.

And I do want to bring up the dog issue. I at least want to throw it out there because my parents have discussed it several times and they are in favor of another dog so it's not like they are against the issue. But as I said, it has to be their idea, and I want to be able to give them a great idea...that they think I'm ready for a dog when the time comes (my mom said after he passes, but my dad said not necessarily). I don't have the energy right now to make my case, maybe later...BUT in your eyes, if you were my parents and they were open to the idea (they do want a dog eventually), what would I need to say that would show that I am perfectly capable and responsible enough to get a dog? I was thinking of making them a deal that if I can keep a job for at least a year and it was apparent I was doing well and that I was sticking to it for the long run, then would they consider me getting a dog.

I also want to ask them to let my cat Evy back in the house. My mom is worried she'll pee on stuff because she got into a turf war with my mom's cat but I know that she only started peeing because Salem was snooping in my room and peeing on my stuff which was her territory. But since we kicked both cats out my mom lets me have Evy sleep with me at night and she lets her hang out with me on the couch, basically she can go anywhere where I can watch her, and I know Evy won't pee on my stuff anymore.

Maybe because Lark KNOWS she has her parents to fall back on, she doesnt make the hard decisions? If its between paying rent and buying cigarettes (for a stupid but simple example), if she HAD to pay rent, she would learn fast, youre saying? Or maybe im saying, idk.

Irregardless of the dog, as some members have said, the best thing I can tell them is "I can't prove to you I can be responsible is unless I am already doing it" and "I don't know how to succeed until I've made mistakes of my own". Obviously, with the dog, it's their house their rules, but if they are already thinking about getting a dog, why can't I be the one to train the dog, why can't I take care of the expenses...I've never missed a single payment on any of my bills, never my auto insurance, never my phone bill, and not only have I never missed paying my CC on time but I've always paid it in full, so I CAN be smart with my money. Like dad told me when I asked him if I needed to change my meds because I went through my savings while unemployed, "You weren't focused, but once you're in a job and you're doing well you're focused and you do really great with your money." But if I don't have responsibilities to take care of, how else can I prove that I can be good with money if I don't have anything to work for? For example as a teenager I asked weekly for gas money. Once I got a job, they told me to pay for my own gas. I never asked for gas since then. I offered to pay for my own phone, they said I'm not ready because if I miss a payment I won't have a phone. It's been almost two years and not once have I missed a payment AND I was able to reduce the cost of my bills in half. I offered to pay for my auto insurance, they said if I missed a payment I'd lose my car. When a neighbor complained I drove too fast in the court, my mom said it's time to pay for my own auto insurance. This March not only did I renew my insurance for the first time, meaning I went one year of not missing a payment, but my car insurance was reduced for safe driving AND I paid this year's insurance in full and I saved $150. And at every job I've been I created an emergency savings, enough to get me through months of unemployment in order to pay my bills and while employed that I can use in case my car needs service. I've even handed over $400 from my savings to my parents when my car needed fixed, and their jobs dropped when they saw I actually had the money to cover it. I never once missed a payment on any of my bills, I baby my car and try to limit the driving, and I make sure that even in unemployment that all my expenses are covered. So yes, if I were to get a dog, I would treat the expenses as bills and have enough money in my savings to plan for the unexpected emergency. But I want them to see that yes, I struggle, but I am perfectly capable of the expenses, that I wouldn't take on another animal if I didn't think I could handle it, and they won't know that until they see me doing it.

Thanks s4ndm4n, you covered a lot of what I wanted to say.
Life is really something you have to experience, all the advice in the world won't totally apply to you, because your experience will be different to anyone else's.
Hard as it is when my 20 year old comes to me with n idea I just listen to her work out the pro's nd cons.
Then leave it up to her. Often now she doesn't come to me So much.
But she knows I am here if it all goes pear shaped.
I can understand why your parents would be afraid for you, and that they want to give you the best grounding possible. But you need to not be afraid that you can't make decisions yourself.

All the best LL, I hope your able to find a compromise.

Lark, youve got me convinced! You have made great advances over these past few years.

From reading all your posts, tho, i would still say you lack a long term plan. If travel is still on your agenda, how does having a dog fit in? Is it taking money away from your travel account? Etc. What if your san diego future possible roommate doesnt want a dog?

So im not saying those are the exact objections, but it looks like you are not fitting your short term goals into your long term goals. So it looks impulsive, and then your long term goals may suffer as a result. I think your parents want you to focus on long term, and then short terms that support the long term. But the specifics are up to you.

That's a great point. That is something I am working on, and it is something I need to look at more closely. How can I plan long term goals if I don't have my short term goals squared away? Long term goals include my living situation...am I living on my own? In California? In Oregon? Do I move with my parents six years from now at 30? Do I become a caregiver for my grandparents and live with them? Do I get married? Do I have kids? Do I WANT to get married and have kids? I know one long-term goal is to save up for a new car. But after that I am so lost.

It's settled. I am moving out and I'm never ever ever ever ever coming back.

What's wrong lark? You ok?

No I'm absolutely not okay.

All this talk of wanting to be a mature responsible adult? Doesn't matter.

I'm sorry you're feeling hopeless and down

I'm so upset. I don't want to say the details.

No need to tell the details, but please feel free to if you need to open up somewhere. We are here to listen, sending you gentle hugs.

I'm really glad I didn't post any details because it was a HUGE miscommunication between me and my mom, as we still are working on communication, and the problem we had was via text which is in itself can be misleading and confusing and hard to understand the intentions. I ruined my parents initial coming home. I had an emotional day on top of the miscommunication, and I was very rude to my parents when they came home rather than showering them with hugs and kisses and "I missed you so much!". My mom's feelings were very hurt and she didn't understand why I was so upset, so she sent my dad to talk to me. After I had a talk with my dad, I felt SO horrible and awful that we had this miscommunication and ruined their coming home and I went out to my mom crying and I told her how much I missed her and that I was very sincerely sorry, and she accepted my apology and we hugged and shared a good laugh, and then she was very eager to share the exciting details of her vacation and I was very attentive and shared in the excitement and now we are all on good terms again.

And some more good news...while having a talk with my dad, I told him about this thread and how I had hoped that after they got settled in we could talk about taking on more responsibility, and my dad told me that one of the things he told my brother on vacation was how much more responsible I have become and he told my brother about all the responsibilities I've been taking care of and how much I help out at home and he acknowledged that I have been very responsible with bills and money and jobs and that we can talk more about what I can do to be more independent once I am settled into my new job. AND I even mentioned the dog! I told my dad, "I completely respect mom's wishes about waiting for a dog, but I just want to let you know that when the time comes, I would like your consideration in letting me be responsible for the dog." So now my parents are aware of my interest of becoming independent (and the dog! )and that we will have a sit-down discussion when we are all ready to talk.

In a way, I envy you. You seem to have really good parents; something that I wish I had.

I have difficulties being a responsible adult and taking care of myself is sometimes a challenge for me because I had nobody to teach me how to be a responsible adult so be grateful that you do.

Keep doing what you're doing.

That's why I feel so awful and ugly about it. I love my parents and I was so excited about them coming home and I went on and on about this shrimp pasta we were all excited for me to make and how I worked so hard on cleaning the house and I had planned on walking them through the house and showing off all my hard work, but after this miscommunication my whole attitude changed and I was extremely rude and acted like I didn't care that they came home and rudely told them I didn't want to cook anymore and was ungrateful for the presents they got me while on vacation. I feel like this hideous ugly monster and there's absolutely no way I can take back how I acted towards them and even though I was absolutely sincere in my apology and we came to and understanding and I made up for it by me listening very attentively and excitedly as my mom gushed about their vacation and made plans for a mother-daughter day, I feel like the most horrible daughter in the world for giving them the WORST welcome home ever by assuming what I assumed about this miscommunication.

Ive gotten like that - its what i call, when the bad stuff leaks out. Its why im in therapy, because otherwise the bad stuff just leaks out and i hate myself. But here, your parents almost act like therapists - they STAY THERE psychologically and kinda mop up the leaky stuff! That is so great, really. Ive had horrible stuff leak out onto my t - some of it i didnt apologize until YEARS later. But eventually all the bad stuff leaks out and is GONE.

I just don't know what to do. My mom said wait until I'm settled into my job before taking on more responsibility, so that's what I'll do. Save up a few paychecks and then move out. Time to sink or swim.

I still feel conflicted. Obviously, moving out is not an option when I don't have a stable job because homelessness is the one lesson neither me nor my parents want me to learn. But my mom is so opinionated and has such strong opinions. We went for a drive and talked about our miscommunication and how she wanted me to be prepared to make my own decisions. Later on in our drive, I told her how I am planning on saving up for a Camaro. She firmly said no, it's too dangerous and I can't handle a muscle car, go with something practical, which goes into my gripe of "She can't agree with something unless it was her idea" and "She picks and chooses which decisions I can make with her approval".

This time, with the car, I'm standing firm. My dad said that if I saved up THAT much money, then I should have the right to choose what car I want to drive. So for example, on cargurus, I can get a 2 year old Camaro with low mileage for as low as $16k. I'm informed that my insurance will be double what I pay now, I am planning on paying in full with no loans or down payments whatsoever, and I'm also aware that saving money is an issue for me, so if I am able to save up $16k, it is my decision on which car I am buying if I am the one paying for it with money I worked hard to earn.

But having an argument with my mom is no grounds to move out the minute I get my paycheck. I don't want to burn bridges with my parents, and I want to be successful when I move out on my own and not resort to homelessness for racing out the door too soon. Plus, California is soooo expensive. I looked at my housing options on Craigslist and the cost is just ridiculous. I know I won't be able to move out even with a room mate while working at $12 and hour, especially without FT hours. No way!

To Una, I DO have some longtime goals that I want to reach before I move out. I want a new car, I want FT work, and I want to be trained as much as I can as a caregiver before moving out, because I am considering moving out of state and I want to be in this job long enough to look good on a resume and to easily find caregiving work out of state. AND IF caregiving is something I am truly passionate about, I may work towards a degree as a CNA, which means going to college. But I can't move out without a stable job, I can't move out of state without a good-looking resume of saying I stayed with the same company for six years, and if I go to college to be a CNA I'd rather get my degree at home. So maybe these are vague long term goals, but I am piecing together an end goal for my future.