So yesterday I went over my bother's house. I typically consider my reason for being over there for my brother. Of course as siblings we are going to have stories and things to talk about. I always *try* to make fun of my brother and I always *try* so stick up for my SIL and try to engage her in conversation but...there is just little to talk about.

Yesterday was particularly hard. I am aware that I cannot talk about health with her. She believes COMPLETELY in the doctors and if the doctors told her to walk off a bridge she would. So that is off limits.

But I was talking about if how my cat got sick so that I couldn't reasonably take care of him, I would put him down and how I have put a cat down but I just left him at the front desk and left. But SIL's mom just went to tears and my brother told me it was a 'sensitive issue'. I am still not sure what I said or why it was a sensitive issue but, this lady had a cat like 20 years ago that it was painful to put down. 20 years ago!!

Later my brother brought up that my cousin always wants to do things with me but I just can't stand her. As gently as I could I explained my reasons... one of the reason is that this person eats while talking and food has flown into my face. And before even saying that, I mentioned I know I am not a perfect person but, if you must know. and out of no place my SIL screamed "can't we talk about something else!!"

Now, I understand she might not want to make fun of anyone and I didn't really think I was making fun of them... I am allowed to state my reasons.. but ... talk about walking on eggshells. I have every right NOT to like someone.

This is how I feel with EVERYONE. 99% of the time when I am talking with someone else.. they hurt my feelings but I have a bit of an ability to let things fall off my shoulders. But I feel like anytime I open my mouth I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I mean it isn't like I am trump but sometimes I feel I should be.

I only go over like 3 x per year and even that is becoming too much for me.

It is better to avoid controversial topics. Being honest and upfront isn't always the best way to engage with people. I had this tendency in the past where I would express my opinion regardless of others' reactions and feelings. Now I am trying to talk about personal stuff about others but avoid being intrusive. I still have a lot to learn about socialization, but I am aware of this point.

I do understand when someone (for example H) does not want me to talk about something because it has already been said but do find it annoying when someone says they would rather not talk about a certain subject that matters (for example death) and has not been discussed. Nowadays--you always have to be careful about discussing Trump--people get so worked up that it has become a topic that causes huge emotional reactions. It is no fun to be around people who seem judgemental about our opinions!

I don't know I feel like I never hit the obvious subject but when I see a "path" to talk about something normal... I "trigger" someone. Plus why do they feel no need to understand that I wouldn't have known they put "kitty" down 20 years ago. People say things that upset me all the time. I just go home and suffer because obviously they wouldn't know.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

I don't know I feel like I never hit the obvious subject but when I see a "path" to talk about something normal... I "trigger" someone. Plus why do they feel no need to understand that I wouldn't have known they put "kitty" down 20 years ago. People say things that upset me all the time. I just go home and suffer because obviously they wouldn't know.

It's OK because you did not trigger them intentionally. Perhaps they are triggered easily as well. Just acknowledge the feeling inside and of being upset and try to move on by assuming that they still like you anyways (they really might!). I know it may not feel natural but I bet more people like you than you think. You didn't do anything wrong. Maybe your instincts about visiting less are correct? Perhaps you wouldn't feel this way with other people. Maybe instead of suffering, assume the atmosphere might be their fault. Perhaps it isn't just you each and everytime you feel this way.....

[Open Eyes]

Emily,

When you visit your brother you tend to talk about yourself and what bothers you right? Or your thoughts go into the direction of being critical, even in a joke. Well, would you like to have someone come to your gathering and do that?

When someone has a gathering they put effort into it, they make the house look nice, they clean things up, they decorate and spend time thinking about the meal they make. So, it's important to look around and "notice" the effort and make it a point to compliment and how you appreciate their effort. As soon as you come into another person's world look around to see what you can point out that is nice about that other person's world, their house color, their clean yard, even their car looks nice if you happen to know they are a semi car buff.

What you want to do when you are invited somewhere is to leave that other person feeling "glad" they invited you. If there is someone at the table that doesn't have nice eating manners, "not your issue", find something else to focus on that can be a positive. When that woman expressed sadness about having to put her cat down, no matter how long ago that was, acknowledge that I am sorry that you went through that too and it is such a sad memory but I am sure you loved that cat and gave him a good home and a good life and he was SO lucky to have that.

So, keep in mind that when you are invited anywhere, think about what you can do and say where when you leave the people you leave them feeling good about themselves and are glad they invited you because you bring "good tidings" to them. Start training yourself to really look at the "efforts" others put into things and make it a point to show appreciation.

[QUOTE=Open Eyes;5604481 So, it's important to look around and "notice" the effort and make it a point to compliment and how you appreciate their effort. As soon as you come into another person's world look around to see what you can point out that is nice about that other person's world, their house color, their clean yard, even their car looks nice if you happen to know they are a semi car buff. [/QUOTE]

Well you are assuming a lot... that (1) I don't do this and (2) that there is any call for it at all. As it happens I brought them a $75 dollar gift certificate for easter and a gift for my nephew. I didn't not ask her to do anything and frankly... we were supposed to go out to eat but that changed at the last moment. That was her call and as usual, no one consulted me. As I noted in my post I make efforts to buddy up to her but we don't have a ton of common.

It is my brother who invites me and, usually we end up talking together. Now I admit my brother can be a tool but she married him. I feel like it is HER who should be on her best behavior. I am the guest and even if she doesn't like what we talk about... if she wants to change the subject there are easier ways of doing that than getting upset and shutting our conversation down.

As I mentioned before, my objection is people getting upset about things that upset them when logically I would have no way of knowing that would upset them. It isn't like I walk in there and start talking about abortion. If she talks about something that upsets me.. I just deal and shove it on down.

And again, you are assuming I want to be invited anyplace... I do not. But when you are invited someplace with family you do need to go. Usually my tool of a brother gives me 10 minutes notice.

I do think the frustration is on her end. I do think my brother is a tool and has set her up in the "slave" position of being the bread winner while he sits home sleeping all day. But that is on her. One reason I don't ever do things with her is that I wouldn't be able to refrain from talking about my brother in a negative light.

[Open Eyes]

I do think the frustration is on her end. I do think my brother is a tool and has set her up in the "slave" position of being the bread winner while he sits home sleeping all day. But that is on her.

Ok, this is not something you shared in your initial post. It can be a challenge when someone is doing the most in a relationship like that. And from what you have added into your response to me is showing that your brother is self absorbed and maybe he is depressed or something or suffers from low self esteem issues and is not really thinking about others other than last minute in an after thought way.

What you are describing is a situation where this woman is angry, just going through the motions of having the holiday and her heart really isn't in it and she is an unhappy person. If your brother is not contributing and sleeping all day, he needs to get help and find a therapist where he can get help to get out of his rut.

It sounds like you are walking into an unhappy situation and that can be a challenge that can leave one feeling their presence is more of a burden then genuinely appreciated. It's hard to know what this woman is thinking and feeling too, but it could be that even when a holiday happens, your brother is a dud and his wife resents that you pay attention to him in that she is the one responsible for him having anything at all including a family member coming over for the holiday. So, the holiday is probably just another inconvenience for her. It sounds like "she" could use therapy too.

They both should be in not only therapy, but work with a marriage counselor too.

[Open Eyes]

But that is on her.

Actually, both of them are at fault in this unhappy situation. Maybe they are enabling each other and need help to either turn this around, or part ways.

[unaluna]

Open eyes, that is very insightful. I think i have been in that situation for a long time. The married couple projects any resentment of each other on the SIL! They protect the marriage by making her the scapegoat. The OP is pushed into a negative role. Real conversation and expression is inhibited.