Am I wrong not telling my mom?

I've been going through a lot lately with work about my PTSD as a disability. I qualify under the ADA as disabled. I have a psychiatric service dog for my PTSD, and I have disclosed my disability to work. Okay that's all whatever.

I recently had a really bad dissociative episode at work. Stuff happened, whatever. My PTSD is from childhood trauma and also some very specific re-traumatizing incidents as an adult. One very recent and strong one being in December 2010 when my mom had a psychotic dissociative episode while we were snowed in at a cabin, and she got violent, and there was nothing we could do, nor did we know what to do. I thought she was going to kill me. That's all I'll say, besides, she doesn't remember the episode really, which I understand now.

My mom is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse that was denied by her parents her whole life. And her sisters just started admitting to her that it happened to them too. So it was hard growing up with her, because her issues caused her to be abusive, as well as my father being abusive, physically and mentally. My father and I are estranged. My mother and I are better now that she is getting better. Her getting the validation from her sisters about the molestion has really helped change her psyche. Something she had to pretend didn't happen her whole life, that was also traumatizing her emotionally her whole life, but couldn't admit was real, it just tore her apart.

So I forgive her, and I forgive her for the scary episode in December 2010.

The thing is: my childhood happened and those incidents happened. And I have PTSD. She knows I have PTSD. She accepts it and doesn't question it. But recently, in talking to her for support about my work situation, she said "you have to tell me what happened to you in Montana." Because she thinks my PTSD is from when we were estranged and I lived in Montana for 3 years.

While there might be some value in telling her that she's part of my PTSD, I actually don't see the value in it. It would only hurt her. She and I have talked about the particular incident, and have moved on. But that didn't cure my PTSD. And it didn't address the childhood stuff either.

There was a point in my treatment when I did a lot of group counseling and validating and story telling and people validating the reality of my childhood and what I'd been through.

I'm at a place now, where I've been working on building coping skills and manage my symptoms so they continuously decrease.

So when my mom wanted to know about my trauma, I told her "Mom, I really don't want to talk about it. It happened. I'm focused at this point in time in building coping skills. What happened is not really important anymore."

Which I know isn't exactly true, but I feel like for her or anyone else, WHAT happened to me is none of their business. The fact that I DO have PTSD is something I share. But I relive it enough through flashbacks and other symptoms, why should I have to tell people about my traumas?

My mom wasn't mad that I didn't want to share more details. She accepted my response that I was focused on moving beyond it and I didn't feel like sharing it again as I've talked the events to death in therapy. Which is true.

But I wonder a bit if it's wrong not to tell her the truth about the source of my PTSD? She knows some of it is from my dad, because she brought him up on my last visit and I went off the rails yelling while in her car about all the **** he'd done to me. And she joked and said "sorry I brought it up." And I laughed and we changed the subject. No big deal. I really don't want to share with her how she hurt me. For a few reasons, she lived with this really terrible thing her whole life (her childhood was far worse than mine even though we both have PTSD) and I can't imagine how she lived with her trauma (I haven't even told you the whole story). Like I said, we talked about the December 2010 episode and got resolution for it. But I feel like she would take it really hard to hear from me that she caused a lot of my PTSD, and that she's often the monster I see in flashbacks, when she really has tried to be a good mother (unlike my dad who is all ego). I feel like she couldn't take it.

And the other thing is, I don't feel like I need any validation from her to heal. She believes and acknowledges my PTSD, that's all I need. I don't need her to share my perspective of our shared history. She remembers it differently, but that's because she was an adult, and I was a young child.

Am I wrong not to tell her? I just don't see the value in hurting her, if I don't need it to heal myself. What use would there be in sharing if the only outcome is that she gets hurt, if I'm not getting anything positive out of it?

You give many reasons why you do not want to tell her. What reasons (if any) might there be that you would want to tell her?

Hi there I hear you. I was brought up in a "stay together for the sake of the kids" home.
My parents abused each other constantly, my mother is also very damaged (her mother tried to sell her to a man when she was 9. Amongst other horrific things.) My dad treated her like she was incompetent and crazy, meanwhile acting like the steady stabilising influence. It was easy to blame mum for what we went through but it wasn't that simple.
To say me and My brother got screwed up is a massive understatement, but we are still here and trying to move forward.
Fact is my mum knows what she did to screw things up. Occasionally it comes up, and like you I don't see any benefit to going over it. I don't neued validation from her I know she feels guilty enough .
Is it possible she needs validation though? Or do you feel she is looking got alleviate the guilt she feels by believing your pass was caused by something other than your upbringing?

Okay, I guess there is a tiny part of me that still craves that acknowledgement that things happened in our family. And those things damaged me. I don't like that we ignore that my brother was a drug addict who used to beat me up and tried to molest me once, and yet he gets treated better than I do. We pretend he never did those things and doesn't have any forgiveness to seek.

So, I guess there is part of me that is upset that she asked what happened to me, like she doesn't know, because she was there and chooses to ignore what happened in the past. I'm not asking for us to have a big talk about it, but maybe I felt it was insensitive of her to ask?

I've found there is a difference between pretending it didn't happen, and letting it go. Pretending is harmful and letting go is freeing. I have been able to let go a lot of things, but never forget they happened and who really was to blame.

I don't think it's necessary to tell your mother anything more. If you have a decent relationship with her now, I'd concentrate on that. Possibly hurting her feelings or guilt would not help you or her at all right now.

I hope things keep getting better for you and her.

I had this fantasy in my head that if I spilled my soul to my mother about all the things I experienced in childhood that somehow it would make us close,that she would apologize for her role in it,we would magically become true mother and daughter.IInstead it was the most hurtful,invalidating experience.I was told I have a big imagination.

Sometimes what we imagine in our mind is not reality at all and can be re-traumatizing.

I would tell her.

Tell her in the most harshly accurate possible manner that you are able to without feeling too overwhelmed.

Make her feel your pain as much as possible. Make her realize that she royally screwed up as a parent.

I wish I had the chance to tell my mother how her antics and her lies and controlling nature made me feel but she's been dead for 4 years now. Back when she was alive I was too afraid to stand up to her but looking back now, I wish I did.

Doing so might also help you heal or at least be very theraputic.

Exactly, I would do the same thing