[LiteraryLark]

I'm literally going back and forth, back and forth, with which forum to put this under. It is *both* Pets and Relationship, but I chose Relationship because this most has to do with the relationships with my parents even though the topic is about getting a dog.

My family is discussing getting another dog, so my continuation of "How to Convince My Parents" will be a topic that my parents are actually open-minded about (as opposed to the snake I've given up pressing about).

Before we begin, I'm a little more wiser when it comes to asking my parents. My mom wants to wait until Max passes away (he's 10). I can respect waiting. My dog is neurotic and my mom said he wouldn't handle another dog, which I disagree with but that's my mom's wish. Also, a lot can happen until he passes away. My hope is I will be financially stable with a long-term FT job and can handle the responsibilities with another dog.

But here's the problem. My mom is debating waiting until my parents retire in six years, and she's also debating not having a dog at all. Neither of those two things involve me, and it makes it sound like it's not a family dog at all. I know a lot can happen in six years. To my parents, it'll go by in a flash. To me, it seems like an eternity. I don't know what my living situation will be in six years. I'll be 30. My parents said I can live with them as long as I'd like. I might be caretaking for my grandparents. I might live on my own. I might be married. I have no idea.

But I don't want a family dog. I want my own dog, but my mom doesn't think I can handle the responsibilities of my own dog. She says I only like the idea of a dog. But here's the thing, I can't prove I can be responsible without my parents consent. Like everything I've ever had to prove to them, it all had to be their own idea before they let me take on more responsibility and then they never acknowledge that I am capable of doing it once I do it. It's never enough. When they told me it's time to pay for my own gas, I paid for my own gas. Then I offered to pay for my own phone and auto insurance, but my parents declined because they didn't think I could handle it until it became their own idea that I was ready to pay for it. My brother is 2 years younger than me, but he began paying for his own stuff before I was ever allowed to. It was months after my brother paid for his phone before I was allowed to pay for my own phone. My parents literally told me it was a bad idea until *they* realized it was a good idea. Same thing with auto insurance...my brother bought his own car with my parents help and paid for his own insurance, but I wasn't allowed to pay for my own insurance until my neighbors complained I drove too fast, then all of a sudden my parents had no choice but to make me pay for my own insurance and all of a sudden I was ready and it was a good idea. I literally can not take on more responsibility without my parents approval OR unless they come up with the idea on their own. And then they never acknowledge I'm being responsible and if I say I want to take on more responsibility, they'll find a reason why I'm not responsible.

Like the dog. My mom thinks I'm not responsible enough and that I only like the idea of a dog and couldn't handle caring for a dog. While I was pressing for a cat, they thought I was not responsible enough. Then for Christmas, my parents said because Evy was a gift, I don't have to pay for her vet bills. My parents WON'T let me pay for her vet bills or flea meds. I took Evy to the vet on my own once and it literally was against my parents will, and they viewed it as a a bad decision and a lesson learned because it was about $500 to be told my cat was stressed and the vet did nothing. They did, however, let me call and pay for a pet groomer. But they don't think that having an animal makes me responsible, and I don't want a dog to prove I'm responsible. I want a companion first and foremost.

I get cats and dogs are different, and I understand that dogs are more expensive and require a different level of attention, but I am more than responsible and financially capable of raising a dog. I'm almost 25 years old FFS. I wouldn't ask for a dog if I didn't think I couldn't handle it.

So here are two related questions: How can I prove to my parents I am responsible not only for a dog but in general? I want to move forward in life and I feel completely held back because my parents have to approve of everything I do. I do have to wait until Max passes away, but how can I move forward with wanting my own dog, not just a family dog? I'm afraid my parents have only their "retirement dog" in mind rather than a family dog, let alone my own dog.

[Nammu]

Part of this may involve you not being able to keep a job for a year. Until you can prove that you are stable enough to keep an income and a job they may not see you as responsible enough.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Part of this may involve you not being able to keep a job for a year. Until you can prove that you are stable enough to keep an income and a job they may not see you as responsible enough.

I know that is a problem for me. I really don't know how to fix that except to keep trying until I find a job that plays my strengths and I enjoy doing it. I'm hoping caregiving will be "it".

[Bill3]

What if you asked them what you do that in their eyes proves that you are not responsible enough? Perhaps they would give you something to work on.

For example, maybe there are more responsibilities that you could handle for Max? Just wondering.

Wow. You generally hear of this conversation happening between parents and their child...when the child is much younger. Not 24. Kind of reminds me of an old Arthur episode where he has to convince his parents that he is ready for a puppy. However, Arthur is 8 years old.

It's a complicated situation because you are living under their roof, and their rules. So it seems like you have 2 main options:

1. Continue to live with them and try your best to convince them that you are ready for a dog, and wait for their approval, or
2. Move out and get a dog whenever you want.

You'll just need to weigh the pros and cons of staying at home, and choose whichever is best for you.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Wow. You generally hear of this conversation happening between parents and their child...when the child is much younger. Not 24. Kind of reminds me of an old Arthur episode where he has to convince his parents that he is ready for a puppy. However, Arthur is 8 years old.

It's a complicated situation because you are living under their roof, and their rules. So it seems like you have 2 main options:

1. Continue to live with them and try your best to convince them that you are ready for a dog, and wait for their approval, or
2. Move out and get a dog whenever you want.

You'll just need to weigh the pros and cons of staying at home, and choose whichever is best for you.

Seriously...And when I make a mistake, they say "We're trying to let you make you're own decisions and let you find your way". Like they're trying to say that these are all my decisions and they had no help with it. And most of the time if I go against their decisions they'll say "I told you so".

They won't let me live on my own without their approval, either. And how am I supposed to live on my own when they come home and I tell them I've been so lonely and sad without anyone else around while they're on vacation? And yes, to the previous comment, they won't let me move out if I don't have a stable job. They literally want me to live with them forever. Even when I'm 30 they'd still want me to live with them. But under their rules.

I don't know what to do, I'm so miserable.

My solution is simple. Move out and get your own dog and prove your parents wrong by actions rather than mere words.

If you can't afford to live independently yet, get a room mate or two. Hit up Craigslist and other related classified sites to find some roommates if you don't know anybody who would bunk with you.

I highly doubt you will convince them while under their roof in any reasonable amount of time so it's best to wait until you move out and not get your hopes up.

You're over 18 so they can't legally keep you from moving out. If they try to tell you not to and you feel you're ready, do it anyways.

[LiteraryLark]

I'm not in a position to move out and I don't want to live with a stranger.

[LiteraryLark]

Just talked to my mom. She said she wants me to get settled into my job before taking on more responsibility...here we go again. And of course, when I do settle into my job and have a really hard day THEN she'll have a list of responsibilities to take on.

[unaluna]

You need like a life coach or a social worker or vocational rehab person or something. Or a therapist?

I got this book for myself a short while ago thats like "adulting for dummies", it has chapters on all the stuff a young adult should know and be able to do. Turned out at this late date, i have acquired most of this knowledge.

I could probably still use a book on etiquette, but i dont think theres really a book that teaches a person to be nice. If your mother didnt teach you (mine did not!), yeah too bad for me now!

Anyway, like your other thread, too - i feel like you need a plan for your life, some goals - and some help in achieving them.

Eta - short, medium, and long range goals.

[LiteraryLark]

I get that their biggest concern is a stable job. And hopefully this is it. If I can go one year with the same job I know they'll take me seriously.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by unaluna

You need like a life coach or a social worker or vocational rehab person or something. Or a therapist?

I got this book for myself a short while ago thats like "adulting for dummies", it has chapters on all the stuff a young adult should know and be able to do. Turned out at this late date, i have acquired most of this knowledge.

I could probably still use a book on etiquette, but i dont think theres really a book that teaches a person to be nice. If your mother didnt teach you (mine did not!), yeah too bad for me now!

Anyway, like your other thread, too - i feel like you need a plan for your life, some goals - and some help in achieving them.

I have a therapist but it never helped. Not sure where to get a life coach.

[LiteraryLark]

Do you think writing up a list of things I can take on would be helpful?

One thing though, my parents will not accept rent. That's just their personal belief, but they do want me to take on as much financial responsibility as possible.

[LiteraryLark]

Here's some things I do take on:

While on vacation I feed the pets and make sure my dog goes to the bathroom (Max is neurotic, he will either gladly go or refuse and he only goes to the bathroom twice a day, though sometimes if he wants to go outside he'll go more than twice).

I clean the entire house (paid) every two weeks

My mom wants me in charge of the dishes.

I am beginning to cook for my parents, and now it is mother-daughter time to cook together.

I am doing more grocery shopping for my parents which they are loving because they say I am really good at coming up with ideas for snacks and dinner and it is one less thing for them to do.

Personal bills are: gas, auto insurance, phone, and cigarettes

Sometimes I pick up flea meds for pets and lately I am paying for my cat's dosage. Sometimes I take the cats to the vet.

I do extra chores for extra pay such as steam cleaning, pantry organization, organizing the garage, the blinds, any extra chores they request

Brush and wash max on occasion

EDIT: Of course, there's more I do but I can't think of it right now.


Something you can help me with is to help keep the house clean in between deep cleanings. I've tried writing the "do this on this day" but it can be overwhelming because I tend to take on too much at once. The biggest thing my mom wants is to keep the kitchen clean at all time, so that's the priority. But how would I go about making sure the rest of the house looks clean all the time? I'm not good at seeing something dirty and fixing it. Like dusting, I always forget to dust because I never see the dust. And when I was a housekeeper, I always forgot the mirror because I'd always see my reflection and not the dirty part.

[LiteraryLark]

I know one thing I can do is to pay for the pet's food. I already pay for Evy's flea med, but I can also offer to pay for Salem's and Max's flea meds.

I do want to start taking on cooking for my parents. One, I love to cook and two, it's one less thing for them to do. I help with setting the table and anything they ask me to do like make the salad or food prep. And then the dishes, that is the one thing my mom wants me to do out of everything.

[LiteraryLark]

I guess it's the little things that mean the most to them. Like the dishes. My mom gets ecstatic when the dishes are done and the kitchen counters are clean. So I really need to make that priority. And if I can keep the house clean all the time that will be even better. Until they can see I'm in a stable, long-term career, they don't want me to take on financial responsibilities. Unless they can determine I can handle it, they'd rather me focus on doing chores for them rather than risk being in a financial emergency by taking on vet bills and things that they are okay with covering. I think they do want me to be financially responsible with the car. They told me if I screw up with the car I'm screwed, so they want me to me smart with my car and baby it. To them, taking care of the car I have is more responsible than shelling out hundreds of dollars at the shop because I drive it all crazy. I think there's more than one thing to being responsible. It's not just finances they're worried about. They told me they can handle an emergency, if I really need it. But of course, they're not going to give me gas money if I went driving all crazy. (I do pay for my own gas). But I guess with the dog, they don't want me taking on an animal if I haven't proven that I've been in a job long enough to be able to cover expenses if an emergency comes up (apparently, dogs have lots of emergencies). But that's not to say they don't want a dog. They just don't want me to get in over my head financially. It's nothing to do with me being mentally capable with having my own dog. They just don't want me to have to deal with a crisis and have something horrible happen.

I think I need to apologize for the confusion. My parents do mean really well and they love me unconditionally, and they do make a lot of decisions for me because I am not always in the right place to make a major decision. I don't know if most of you know this, but I always have a manic episode when I get a new job. I have been fighting this so hard, believe me, my parents and I were absolutely shocked when I was let go at the Hilton because I tried so hard and I thought this was the right fit. It wasn't, and my parents did praise me when I didn't let the loss stop me from pushing forward. And now, I think things are looking good as a caretaker. I'm ready to "settle down" and I'm committed to take this job 110% seriously and do whatever it takes to improve and be the best I can be. That's all anyone can hope for.

I'm sorry to have ranted about my parents. I've been having meltdowns from being so lonely and I projected it into making my parents look bad. I love my parents unconditionally and they only want the best of me. They are most concerned about my financial situation with not having a stable job. They both grew up very poor, and when they met, married, and had me they hardly lived paycheck to paycheck. They were on WIC, they were scraping by, and went through some horrible things financially and they want to set me up with the best possible stepping stones to succeed and not have to go through what they went through, and that will be very hard for me being bipolar with the mania. It's my fault, not theirs, that I cannot do anything without their permission. I've been in a vegetative state before, I've been on an involuntary 5150 hold, so I doubt myself and my capabilities and I frequently ask my parents if I'm making the right decision because I know my parents are sound in their reasoning and experiences and they only want me to succeed. It's just something I need to learn how to do because I've relied so much on my parents that I sometimes get confused or emotional when I don't have any input or have to make decisions on my own without help and at the same time I get angry that I'm so used to asking for input that suddenly I feel like I can't make decisions on my own anymore and I feel bad about it. I guess this is something I need to discuss with the therapist because it's never occurred to me that I need to make my own decisions and how to accept help and still make my own decision.

So I guess what I want right now is to find ways to be independent and financially responsible so to not only help out my parents but to move forward in life even if I am still living with my parents. Living on my own is not an option right now. I don't feel ready for that and I need to stay in my job for at least a year to prove that I can handle living on my own.

[scorpiosis37]

It's clear from your posts that you're very passionate about becoming responsible and you're making some great strides in that direction. The kinds of responsibilities you're taking on an important step; that said, the kind of chores you do and the way you talk about them sound more adolescent than fully adult. Your parents are paying you to do chores around the house, which is a very common way that teenagers earn allowance. So it's great that you're helping to make it a bit easier on your parents-- you just have a ways to go before you are financially independent by working a job. That's okay; you're getting there. It's just probably not time to get a pet of your own until you are able to fully support yourself (i.e. full time job, your own apartment, disposable income, etc). A pet is a commitment for the lifetime of the pet (10, 15, 20 years) and you have to be sure you can provide a home, food, unforseen medical expenses, care-taking, etc. for all of that time. If you haven't yet been able to keep a job for a year and you can't financially support yourself, you can't really offer that to a pet. You would have to rely on your parents to provide a home and financial support to both you and the pet, so it wouldn't really be "your" pet. If you're looking for animal companionship, why can't you get that from the dog and cat you currently have in the house? Why do you need another pet right now? Maybe getting out of the house more and finding human companionship through activities would help too? I know having your own pet may sound really fun, but it's also a LOT more work than having a family pet. I got my dog when I was 22, right after graduating from college, and I'll be honest and say that I underestimated how much work it would be and how much money it would cost. I love her to pieces, but just this week I spent $300 on a vet bill, $150 on a dog sitter while I was away on a work trip, I often have to duck out of social events to come home and walk/feed her, and I can't ever just spontaneously spend the night at a friend's or go away for the weekend without making arrangements for someone to take care of her. It's almost like having a child. My sister got 2 cats when she was in law school, and she ended up re-homing them (to a close friend) after a couple of years because she realized she wasn't responsible enough yet (she was 26). Just maybe focus on a shorter list of responsibilities at a time-- work on holding a job-- and then maintaining an apartment-- and then having your own pet. You have a lot of years left to have your own pet-- probably several pets. You don't have to rush into it right now; you have two little furry guys at home already to love.

[Erebos]

I kinda feel the reason LL isn't growing up is cos she isn't allowed too.(though I understand the balancing act her parents must keeping up.)

My mind boggles at being at home at 24.
I was out by 15, in My own flat with 2 dogs and the way by 17.
Was I ready. Hell no. Did I learn fast... Your Damn right!
I don't know what to suggest, because I feel your parents are gonna keep finding excuses for you to not cut the apron strings.
Sounds like your doing the right things tho. Stick with it I am sure it will work out.
Is there not a kennels you could volunteer at. Something that you could stick at that proves it's more than just a passing phase?

[Erebos]

Having said thAt my 20 year old still lives at home. But she is in uni, and we live in a horrendously expensive city so it's a bit different.

[Bill3]

I want to move forward in life and I feel completely held back because my parents have to approve of everything I do.

What Erebos said.

[divine1966]

Honestly as long as you live with your parents in their house you'll be treated as a child in a sense. That's just how it is.

My daughter left home right after high school to go to college and she never came back (I mean she does come back but for visits, she never moved back home). When she visits, I unintentionally treat her like a child. lol like remind her to wear a coat or worry where she is at if she goes out etc But that's just during visits so she puts up with it lol

I think it's very kind of your parents to want you to stay with them full time. But I would set a goal to keep full time job and eventually move out. If you keep working full time eventually you can get a small apartment.

Also I wouldn't blame your parents for not allowing you to grow up. If you cannot afford to be on your own, then it's not their fault. And they don't want you to pay for things because they know you can't afford much so they don't feel it's fair or kind to charge you for things.

I wonder about vocational rehabilitation services for you. You might need assistance in finding right career path and right job.

I can find you services in your state (that's what I do for a living, I am a special ed teacher and I transition high school kids into adulthood with help or vocational rehab services). If you have diagnosed disability (you don't need to be ON disability) you qualify for free vocational services

I thought you were wanting to move out?

Move out first and look for a place to find a dog. You may not be able to find one. Better to get the dog if/after you do.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What if you asked them what you do that in their eyes proves that you are not responsible enough? Perhaps they would give you something to work on.

For example, maybe there are more responsibilities that you could handle for Max? Just wondering.

Good advice. Get to the root of the problem.

[s4ndm4n2006]

They won't let me live on my own without their approval,

just begs the question, why do you feel you that you need their approval to move out? I mean technically they couldn't keep you there at their home after you were 18 so I'm wondering why you feel they still have the right to tell you you can't move out? I'm asking honestly.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

It's clear from your posts that you're very passionate about becoming responsible and you're making some great strides in that direction. The kinds of responsibilities you're taking on an important step; that said, the kind of chores you do and the way you talk about them sound more adolescent than fully adult. Your parents are paying you to do chores around the house, which is a very common way that teenagers earn allowance. So it's great that you're helping to make it a bit easier on your parents-- you just have a ways to go before you are financially independent by working a job. That's okay; you're getting there. It's just probably not time to get a pet of your own until you are able to fully support yourself (i.e. full time job, your own apartment, disposable income, etc). A pet is a commitment for the lifetime of the pet (10, 15, 20 years) and you have to be sure you can provide a home, food, unforseen medical expenses, care-taking, etc. for all of that time. If you haven't yet been able to keep a job for a year and you can't financially support yourself, you can't really offer that to a pet. You would have to rely on your parents to provide a home and financial support to both you and the pet, so it wouldn't really be "your" pet. If you're looking for animal companionship, why can't you get that from the dog and cat you currently have in the house? Why do you need another pet right now? Maybe getting out of the house more and finding human companionship through activities would help too? I know having your own pet may sound really fun, but it's also a LOT more work than having a family pet. I got my dog when I was 22, right after graduating from college, and I'll be honest and say that I underestimated how much work it would be and how much money it would cost. I love her to pieces, but just this week I spent $300 on a vet bill, $150 on a dog sitter while I was away on a work trip, I often have to duck out of social events to come home and walk/feed her, and I can't ever just spontaneously spend the night at a friend's or go away for the weekend without making arrangements for someone to take care of her. It's almost like having a child. My sister got 2 cats when she was in law school, and she ended up re-homing them (to a close friend) after a couple of years because she realized she wasn't responsible enough yet (she was 26). Just maybe focus on a shorter list of responsibilities at a time-- work on holding a job-- and then maintaining an apartment-- and then having your own pet. You have a lot of years left to have your own pet-- probably several pets. You don't have to rush into it right now; you have two little furry guys at home already to love.

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I do want to move out, but obviously I'm not in a position to do so. My parents have offered several suggestions about living on my own. One, my long-time friend may move to San Diego next year and a half and we can be roommates which my parents approve of, and if I can be trained now in the job I have as a caretaker and still stay in this job until then, I can easily find a job in San Diego doing the same thing. In six years, my grandparents may be ready for a caretaker themselves, and my parents said I can work for them in exchange for room and board. And then another option is I can move to Oregon with them, and my mom said if I work hard to save up the money, I can be able to afford a house of my own and still be close to them. But living in California is extremely difficult even for my parents which is why they want to move out of state when they retire, and I'm on board with moving out of state.

I don't know how to make my chores sound more adult. The chores I do are things that would, and I quote, "take days" for my parents to do, and are things that strains them physically, so it's one less burden for them to do and I am happy to do it. I enjoy helping out my loved ones in any way I can, and I am looking for ways to be more responsible to help relieve that burden.

The problem with the pets I have are two things....one, my cat is forced to be outside after she had a turf war with my mom's cat and they peed all over the house. My mom allows her to be in my room at night and she uses the litter box, and I'd like to ask my mom if she can come back in the house again. I didn't like coming home every day this week to an empty house. It made me want a companion who I could come home to. Max I'm not going into. There's a lot going on with Max, but he's coming to the end of his life so my parents and I have been discussing another dog.