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  #1  
Old Apr 27, 2017, 10:14 PM
secondseason secondseason is offline
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Hi all,

I'm 18 years old and about to graduate from high school. Throughout my life, I would say that my mom has been my best friend. My siblings are 9 and 12 years older than me, so I mostly grew up as an only child, and my dad has always worked 12-hour days so it has usually just been the two of us. I was mostly fine with this growing up -- sometimes I did feel that I was unable to invite friends over or make plans with other people for fear of leaving my mom alone, or hurting her feelings because she wasn't included.

Last June, I got my first job and became close with my coworkers. Over time, I revealed how close my mom and I were, and a lot of them responded with surprise. I didn't realize how unusual it was for a mom and daughter to be so close. We live on a very tight schedule, so I guess a lot of the things we do are unusual (eat dinner at 3:00, take a 2 mile walk together at 5:30, watch tv together every night from 8:00-10:00, have family "movie night" every Saturday night) and when I say every night or every week, I mean every day/week, without fail.

As a senior in high school, I take college classes full-time instead of going to high school, so I also met my first boyfriend in my geology class last year. I knew immediately that it was going to be a problem because I've never hung out with anybody outside of school, and my mom was going to have a hard time adjusting. She does not have any outside friends either, and her life mostly resolves around me and my two nieces, truthfully.

As my boyfriend and I have gotten closer, I have spent less and less time with my mom. I growing up and becoming more independent, and even though I still value and appreciate our relationship and friendship, I want her to realize that I need to do things on my own. However, she has continually said that I have been "treating her like ****," "ignoring her feelings," etc. etc. She blows up at least once a week and then gives me the silent treatment for a few days, insisting that she is not "angry" but "hurt."

For example, last week I had to find a musical performance for my music appreciation class. I mentioned this to her and she took it upon herself to find a concert for me to attend, which ended up being a school choir concert on Friday at 5:00. That morning, I was planting a garden with my boyfriend and mentioned the concert, and he said that we could maybe find a more interesting performance together, so we found a music festival at a nearby town the next night. I texted my mom to let her know, knowing already that she was going to react negatively. She said I was being "rude and thoughtless and mean" and "inconsiderate" simply because I didn't want to go to the choir performance. Later, she added that she had been planning to go with me, which she had failed to mention before. If I had known that she was going to go, I would have gone.

I'm not allowed to drive home from my boyfriend's house at night because it's a 30-minute drive on a country road and, "there have been a lot of accidents on that road." It's frustrating because I always have to be watching the clock to make sure that I am home by dark, but she has no problem with me driving elsewhere at night. My dad isn't any help because he just goes along with whatever she says.

She and my sister used to be extremely close too, but when my sister turned 18 she also began to cut ties and my mom couldn't deal with it. Now they don't speak at all. I don't want us to end up the same way, but I can't see how she is going to come to terms with my growing up. I still spend every day with my mom, but she says that I am not the same person and that she is "worried" about me. She has mentioned several times that I need to see a psychiatrist, and the other day she said that the people at work have "poisoned me" because I started acting different when I began to work there.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her but I need to live my own life. Any help, please?
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  #2  
Old Apr 28, 2017, 12:14 PM
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Rose76 Rose76 is offline
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The great thing is that you have the insight to grasp what's going on here and, miraculously, you seem to have turned out quite normal. I've seen this situation where the outcome was less healthy and the child's life was ruined. Basically, you are close on becoming an adult dealing with a child. As that becomes clearer, I hope you'll be fair enough to yourself to decide this is not a child you are going to adopt.

She and your father had and have a poor relationship. Your mom consented to that. It's not your problem to solve. With the age difference between your older sibs and you, has it ever occured to you that you may possibly have been conceived to fill precisely the role you've been filling.

I don't know a whole lot more to tell you that you haven't already figured out yourself. That's a good thing. As I think you don't need me to tell you, your mom will be focused on guilting you, probably, for the rest of your life. She's too old now to create another person whom she can appropriate. You're it, and she's going to let go about as willingly as a starving dog gives up a meaty bone.

I think you're too smart and too healthy to let your future be completely destroyed. But beware of having it nibbled at by letting her extract all kinds of small concessions out of you. These you might cave in on to stave off what guilt she might arouse, or in the vain expectation that you can somehow pacify her with a concession here and there. That will end up nibbling away at the quality of your relationship with your man and, someday, with the quality of life your family enjoys.

Having seen how people like your mother can never be satisfied, I would say don't bother doing anything with her that is not what you really want to do. The precedents you set will hold you in good stead, or haunt you, for the rest of your life. Decide to be rather ruthless because you might as well. There's a saying: "You might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb." Take what you want in life for yourself because you won't be thanked for the times you do give in.

It's like dealing with a tantrum throwing child. Any sign of weakness on your part will be exploited. Always regard your mother with compassion, but that does not mean catering to what should not be catered to.

I'm wondering where you will be attending college. No doubt your mom would be horrified, if you went to a school where you lived on campus. However, that could be healthy for the both if you.

When you're a few years older, you may need to have a sit down with your father and remind him that making money isn't the only obligation a husband has.

I knew a family with dynamics similar to yours. The father was always in his office making lots of money, doing big deals. He would hire gay guys to take his wife out dancing on Saturday nights. She would also take her daughter everywhere she went. The daughter went along with all of this foolishness and didn't end up well. Her whole life, she was nothing but companion and caretaker to her parents. It was sad.
Thanks for this!
Bill3, secondseason
  #3  
Old Apr 28, 2017, 02:59 PM
*Laurie* *Laurie* is offline
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I can understand both sides of the issue, yours and your mom's. I had a mother who did to me just what you've described your mom doing to you. I was also the youngest child by many years. The difference was that my parents were divorced. Also, I fought my mom about having outside friends so that even though she wanted me to spend all of my time aside from school with her, I refused.

I was married at 18...my mom still expected me to spend a lot of time with her. I mean, A LOT of time. She pretty much did all she could to weaken my marriage (saying crap to me about my husband, telling him crap about me). Really, she wanted me to live with her...that would have been her preference.

All along, I set my own limits. I spent plenty of time with my mom, but I also spent the bulk of my time with my husband, my children, and my friends. My mom never was able or willing to make friends for herself, which was unfortunate because she was a charming and interesting person and could easily have had friends of her own. But she flatly refused.

When my daughter was about 4 my mom started trying to somewhat replace me with my daughter. I allowed my daughter to spend lots of time with "Gram", but I put limits on that, too.

By the time I was 40 and my daughter and son were teens, my mom felt very neglected. She spent the last couple of years of her life feeling very bitter and terribly lonely. She died a terribly sad woman. It was pitiful.

Now that my children are grown and living their wonderful lives I wish my mom was alive, because now I would have a lot of time for her. But, things didn't go that way.

I think it's wonderful to be best friends with your mom. That said, my suggestion to you is to set healthy boundaries- set a limit on how much time (including phone time) you give to your mom. And do not engage with her abusive commentary about you. I hope you can remain dear friends with your mom while setting limits with her.
Thanks for this!
Rose76, secondseason
  #4  
Old Apr 28, 2017, 05:18 PM
Anonymous48850
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I am the woman who Rose describes. I am an only child, and never married or had children. We have no relatives in this country. She had a bad relationship with my father, who died over a decade ago. I am my mother's carer now. We live together. I am 50 and she is in her 80s. I will kill myself when she dies. I have thought about how to since my teens. Don't end up like me.
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  #5  
Old Apr 28, 2017, 06:59 PM
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Rose76 Rose76 is offline
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Location: USA
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You are different, little cat, in an important respect. You have insight. I'll be the first to acknowledge that insight isn't all it's been cracked up to be. That's why I'm not the hugest fan of therapy. Knowing what's wrong is important. But that alone changes nothing.

There's what happens to us . . and . . there's how we think about what has happened to us. It's the latter that makes or breaks us. A rock sits passively in a riverbed. Rushing water scours the rock with currents carrying sand and smaller pebbles. The rock is eroded and reshaped. That's us when we are being shaped by what happens to us. But we are more than rocks, or can be, if we choose to be.

I see so many threads every day that go like this: "My self-esteem was destroyed by parents who abused/neglected/exploited me, and now I'm nothing because of what was done to me." Or "my spouse robbed me of my self-worth" or "I was bullied in school (which usually means: "other kids insulted me,") so now I have a horrible life and no ability to socialize with others." Always the bottom line is. "People treated me like I was nothing, so - naturally - now I'm nothing." That rings hollow to my ears. It's the ultimate alibi . . . the consummate excuse-making . . . a way of saying: "I'm a victim and responsible for nothing."

It used to be that when a woman's husband or boyfriend abused her child, the law mainly went after the guy. Increasingly, women are being regarded as having a "duty to protect." Likewise, when you are an adult, you have a "duty to protect" yourself. Sometimes it's hard. But that's exactly what self-esteem springs from - discovering that you can do what's hard and that you are the boss of you.
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Anonymous48850, secondseason
Thanks for this!
*Laurie*
  #6  
Old Apr 30, 2017, 04:03 PM
secondseason secondseason is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
The great thing is that you have the insight to grasp what's going on here and, miraculously, you seem to have turned out quite normal. I've seen this situation where the outcome was less healthy and the child's life was ruined. Basically, you are close on becoming an adult dealing with a child. As that becomes clearer, I hope you'll be fair enough to yourself to decide this is not a child you are going to adopt.

She and your father had and have a poor relationship. Your mom consented to that. It's not your problem to solve. With the age difference between your older sibs and you, has it ever occured to you that you may possibly have been conceived to fill precisely the role you've been filling.

I don't know a whole lot more to tell you that you haven't already figured out yourself. That's a good thing. As I think you don't need me to tell you, your mom will be focused on guilting you, probably, for the rest of your life. She's too old now to create another person whom she can appropriate. You're it, and she's going to let go about as willingly as a starving dog gives up a meaty bone.

I think you're too smart and too healthy to let your future be completely destroyed. But beware of having it nibbled at by letting her extract all kinds of small concessions out of you. These you might cave in on to stave off what guilt she might arouse, or in the vain expectation that you can somehow pacify her with a concession here and there. That will end up nibbling away at the quality of your relationship with your man and, someday, with the quality of life your family enjoys.

Having seen how people like your mother can never be satisfied, I would say don't bother doing anything with her that is not what you really want to do. The precedents you set will hold you in good stead, or haunt you, for the rest of your life. Decide to be rather ruthless because you might as well. There's a saying: "You might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb." Take what you want in life for yourself because you won't be thanked for the times you do give in.

It's like dealing with a tantrum throwing child. Any sign of weakness on your part will be exploited. Always regard your mother with compassion, but that does not mean catering to what should not be catered to.

I'm wondering where you will be attending college. No doubt your mom would be horrified, if you went to a school where you lived on campus. However, that could be healthy for the both if you.

When you're a few years older, you may need to have a sit down with your father and remind him that making money isn't the only obligation a husband has.

I knew a family with dynamics similar to yours. The father was always in his office making lots of money, doing big deals. He would hire gay guys to take his wife out dancing on Saturday nights. She would also take her daughter everywhere she went. The daughter went along with all of this foolishness and didn't end up well. Her whole life, she was nothing but companion and caretaker to her parents. It was sad.
Thank you for your reply, Rose. I think you've hit everything about on the head (I liked the reversal of parent vs. child -- it seems quite fitting) except for my father -- I didn't mean to sound like he was money-greedy in my op. He has been working 12-hour days in a factory for the past 28 years because that's what we need to live on. I am unfortunately not able to live on campus at college next year because of the cost, so I'm commuting, but I hope that's a situation that can be worked out soon because I agree that it would be good to get out of the house. I think I'm going to have to start putting my foot down, so to speak, no matter what the reaction is going to be, because even when I do "follow the rules" I am met with a negative reaction. Thank you so much again.
Hugs from:
Rose76
Thanks for this!
Rose76
  #7  
Old Apr 30, 2017, 04:05 PM
secondseason secondseason is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Laurie* View Post
I can understand both sides of the issue, yours and your mom's. I had a mother who did to me just what you've described your mom doing to you. I was also the youngest child by many years. The difference was that my parents were divorced. Also, I fought my mom about having outside friends so that even though she wanted me to spend all of my time aside from school with her, I refused.

I was married at 18...my mom still expected me to spend a lot of time with her. I mean, A LOT of time. She pretty much did all she could to weaken my marriage (saying crap to me about my husband, telling him crap about me). Really, she wanted me to live with her...that would have been her preference.

All along, I set my own limits. I spent plenty of time with my mom, but I also spent the bulk of my time with my husband, my children, and my friends. My mom never was able or willing to make friends for herself, which was unfortunate because she was a charming and interesting person and could easily have had friends of her own. But she flatly refused.

When my daughter was about 4 my mom started trying to somewhat replace me with my daughter. I allowed my daughter to spend lots of time with "Gram", but I put limits on that, too.

By the time I was 40 and my daughter and son were teens, my mom felt very neglected. She spent the last couple of years of her life feeling very bitter and terribly lonely. She died a terribly sad woman. It was pitiful.

Now that my children are grown and living their wonderful lives I wish my mom was alive, because now I would have a lot of time for her. But, things didn't go that way.

I think it's wonderful to be best friends with your mom. That said, my suggestion to you is to set healthy boundaries- set a limit on how much time (including phone time) you give to your mom. And do not engage with her abusive commentary about you. I hope you can remain dear friends with your mom while setting limits with her.
Thank you, Laurie. I also hope that we can remain friends because I do value our relationship greatly. It is good to hear from someone who has been in the same situation, although it sounds like you were better able to communicate your boundaries. Thank you for sharing and for your suggestions.
  #8  
Old Apr 30, 2017, 04:07 PM
secondseason secondseason is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Cat View Post
I am the woman who Rose describes. I am an only child, and never married or had children. We have no relatives in this country. She had a bad relationship with my father, who died over a decade ago. I am my mother's carer now. We live together. I am 50 and she is in her 80s. I will kill myself when she dies. I have thought about how to since my teens. Don't end up like me.
Little Cat,
I sincerely hope that you find peace within yourself. Please reconsider your future and I hope that you find value in the life that you may one day lead.
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Anonymous48850
  #9  
Old May 01, 2017, 03:13 PM
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Sunflower123 Sunflower123 is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 26,574
I think you got excellent advice. Setting limits and healthy boundaries while standing firm when she tries to violate them needs to happen. Moving out is also a good idea. Let your mom know how much you love her and be compassionate but continue building your life and it IS your life. One thing that popped out to me was that you're 18 and yet your mother won't let you drive home after dark from your boyfriends. Those boundaries and limits are going to be uncomfortable at first but it's essential that you set them. Good luck.
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secondseason
Thanks for this!
secondseason
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