LDR partner frequently disappearing (not responding) - should I just accept it?

I would like to get a neutral opinion on my girlfriend's behavior and whether I should just accept it or am actually right being not ok with it. I have to admit I'm not particularly good at relationships; I also realize I am quite attached to my girlfriend. So I am not sure and don't want to be overreacting.

I'm in a long-distance relationship with that girl in our fifth year now. We met when I was working abroad. We see each other 2-4 times for some weeks each year; the rest of the time we communicate every day (a few texts in the morning and during the day, then a call when she goes to sleep).

Every once in a while she kinda disappears, not texting/calling me, not picking up my texts/calls either. She will eventually come back after a day or a few days, apologizing for it and telling me she had family issues again and that that's how she coped with it. It's just happening again; no response to my text since yesterday afternoon, not the usual good-night call, not the usual good-morning text this morning, no picking up my calls since then, and I don't know what's going on.

I'm not sure if my expectations are completely over the top; maybe I am just insecure and too attached. But I actually feel it's reasonable to expect from a healthy relationshop some sort of regular communication, and even more so from a long-distance relationship (and even more so when you have a history of trust issues, see below). After all, I am not talking about 24/7 availability here, but just a few touch points during the day to make the other one feel everything is okay and, well, be a couple.

Since I rationally cannot understand how someone wouldn't be able to react/respond for 24 hours or more in today's world, these acts of disappearing leave me anxious and are emotionally disturbing for me. They trigger a stressful mix of trust issues, fear and worries, but also anger, disappointment, and feeling helpless to be stuck in a relationship that is not healthy and not improving.

I have to add for context that a year or so into our relationship I found out that she went on a date with someone behind my back. Though it was only a date, no physical action (at least so she told me), it destroyed trust and made me a jealous and mistrusting partner. My jealousy actually led to her first disappearing which was quite extreme as she didn't come back for two weeks and only did so after I was able to reach her friend and tell her that I was on my way travelling there to see if she's ok.
Her reasons obviously were made up (even when you are at a hospital, as long as you are not in coma or intensive care, you can easily let someone know about your situation), so I believe she actually was on her way out leaving me, and only did stop because of me going there. Even though our relationship improved since then, everytime she disappears now it's triggering again those feelings of fear that she might be cheating and/or running away from me again, together with general worries that some kind of accident might have happened.

Maybe the worst of all, however, is that I am feeling quite helpless and depressed. Since we talked about this quite often, including me explaining how her behavior makes me feel and what my expectations are, I feel like a betrayed, disrespected fool who can be pushed around because he will always come back and give in. That's why I normally react with taking time off myself because I just don't know what to do. I am too weak to break up, and too disappointed and confused to just forgive and turn to normal (which is what she wants, to say sorry and that's it, without actually working on it). To be clear, I would totally be willing to forgive and move on. I just wish she would show me that she actually cares by being the one who's coming back and coming back with a solution or at least with a bit of understanding and a constructive, serious conversation. In the end, however, I am the one who's calling her again to fix everything by just accepting it. And so I am getting even more insecure and attached, by feeling our love might not be equal and I am the weak one.

Am I overreacting? Are my expectations too high; is it actually okay that your significant other might disappear and ignore you to cope with problems? Should I be more understanding and accepting?

You're not over reacting. Your feelings are valid. You have explained yourself to your girlfriend and she is disrespecting you by cutting off communication. It's the long distance equivalent of the silent treatment, which is incredibly unhealthy. I think you should have a good chat with her and be honest that if it continues this way than you can't be in a relationship. You need something that is healthy for you.

Note I am a very cut to the chase kind of person, so keep that in mind with my advice.

Thanks for your response.

Well, I did this... three times already? First was that extreme disappearing. I actually took a flight and went to see her for just three days. She came up with that hospital story which screamed bullsh**, but I realized I was a jerk before with my jealousy and so tried to be constructive and forgiving. We actually wrote down certain ground rules of our relationship on paper, including there won't be any disappearing anymore. It was the first (and I think only) time we had a productive talk about our relationship.

Yet a year later it happened again. At least that time she didn't just disappear without any comment, but sent a text before that she's not well and needs time for herself. But that time it was completely out of the blue; there was not fight or anything and I didn't piss her off with anything.
I was very disappointed and angry and went on silent mode myself, then actually broke after she didn't even have the guts to come back and fight. But I was too weak and went back to her. I told her again that her behavior is not acceptable and that we cannot just pretend nothing happened; that it's not gonna solve anything but will just lead to the same **** happening again. I was expecting some kind of solution or suggestion, how she wants to handle such situations in future without disappearing, but her reactions basically was along the lines of "I don't know; it's just how I am; so what do you want me to do, huh, can't you just accept it?"

I knew already it would happen again but stayed in the relationship. So another half year or so later again she disappeared. Again I was to weak to break up, and too hurt and disappointed to just forgive and forget, so I went on silent mode, hoping there would be any reaction from her end. Again, nothing, except an email for my birthday. A close friend actually suggested I should "act like an adult" and fix things by forgiving and trying to move. And since we had a visit booked already for a few weeks later I did so and called her and told her we should move on.

That visit was beginning of April, and now only two weeks after she left back home she's doing the disappearing thing again. Again it's completely out of the blue. We didn't have any fight. We just talked on the phone happily yesterday morning. I went to play golf then and texted her in the afternoon. Since then, no response from her, no read notification, no texts, no picking up my calls.

I am worried that she might had an accident or so (she went to a cancer screening the day before and had some bleeding). The next moment I am feeling betrayed and belittled again that she is not respecting my feelings, and she won't even fight and fix things.

I agree with TheSadGirl. You've explained to her how her disappearing act is impacting you and she is not validating your feelings or respecting your requests for her to act differently. You are not overreacting. This is a real problem. When is the next time you see her in person? You need to sit down face to face and have a candid discussion. You'll either get your answers or you won't but at least you can make a game plan based on her reactions (stay or leave). I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope you get the answers you are looking for. Good luck.

We normally see each other 3-4 times per year, and she just was here for two weeks beginning of April. I actually wanted to sit down and talk to her about the last disappearing (which was a month or so before she came to see me), but then the time you actually see each other in a LDR is so precious that I didn't bring it up again (and was hoping she would show some initiative).
I might visit her again in two months, but am reluctant to book anything because I am not sure if I should stay in the relationship yet again. I'm feeling stupid; I'm feeling like a fool she's playing games with since she knows exactly how these actions make me feel and what I told her, but keeps doing it again.

I do have sympathy for her family situation (which was her explanation for disappearing the last two times). Her mom left her when she was a baby, and only showed up years later to request financial support from her. Her dad didn't really have time to raise her either, so she was raised by her grandmom who died some years ago. She took care of her grandfather and one of her cousins while studying and working part-time; then moved out from the house when her dad moved back in with his new girlfriend and her kids causing trouble.
Being from a rather stable family background with two siblings and my parents still being happily married, I guess I cannot fully understand how she might feel. But, rationally, I cannot grasp either why this would cause such disappearing acts. Quite the contrary, as her boyfriend, shouldn't I be the go-to-person in such situations?

What are her stated reasons for disappearing?

I don't feel that you are overreacting to having a set routine and without warning, having the routine disrupted. An LDR is a form of committment by both parties and consistency and honesty is important to maintain that bond.

Talking about it is nice, but love is an action verb and a choice.

I hope that she's receptive to how this affects you and can display empathy.

If you're in your 5th year of a LDR, I'd be considering making plans of either one of the two of you moving so you two can live close by each other. Otherwise I'd call it quits.

I agree with this. Five years is a very long time for this type of relationship and if you can't get her to stop this disappearing thing you are going to continue to get hurt and frustrated.

Book the flight. Have a face to face talk. And make the decision to go final.

After I still didn't hear from her I called her again this morning and was able to get a hold of her. She claims she was upset because I wasn't there for her when she was recovering from that cancer screening. I asked her why she didn't just respond to my texts or calls but she claimed she didn't receive any of those calls (neither in whatsapp nor on her mobile).
I don't know what to think about this. When we talked on the phone that morning she was doing fine and with her friend (who's actually staying with her at the moment, so she isn't alone at all). The first disappearing she claimed she was sick at the hospital; the other two occasions it was trouble with her family (dad's new girlfriend moving in and causing trouble). She always seem to have some explanation and I am supposed to be understanding and accept. But thinking about it rationally I don't get it why any of it could hinder one from calling or texting, even if it's just a tiny update without needing to have a long conversation. On the other hand, if it's cheating, why would she need to go on disappearing mode for days for it? Even assuming she's with a guy for several days wouldn't it be possible to text?

To be honest, I never really felt like that. She would apologize for letting me down again, but she's not displaying much effort to fix things. When she's disappearing I am the one trying again and again. When I go on silent mode because I am pissed about it, there is not much trying from her end, but I'll be the one coming back again. I am the desperate one in this relationship and it's bothering me.

We are having these plans but visa regulations make it difficult. I don't want to marry her yet, because we never really lived together for more than a few week, and the disappearing destroyed a lot of trust.

At this moment I am actually considering to breaking up again. I feel like an idiot she can kick around as she wished without any consequences. Wouldnt booking a flight and going to see her just be that again; me giving in and accepting her disappearing games again and even rewarding her with a visit?

I'm sad and exhausted.

Maybe your feeling for her are stronger than her feelings for you.

I would not look on this as an issue of respect/disrespect.

I see it as a difference in vision of the LDR.

She wants something in the LDR (the ability for her to go silent without notice) that you don't want. You've discussed it and neither of you, evidently, is willing to change their views on this aspect of the LDR.

The question in my mind, then, is this:

When does the issue become a dealbreaker for you?

Also, aside from the above, I would note that you are now in your fifth year of this relationship. I gather that there are no current, realistic plans for either or both of you to relocate such that an in-person relationship would be possible. So therefore my second question:

When is long enough? When does time itself become a dealbreaker?

If neither of these things ever becomes a dealbreaker, what you are implicitly saying is that you are in fact willing to accept the LDR, as it is right now, as the permanent nature of your relationship. Are you willing to accept that?

That's exactly how I'm feeling sometimes.

Is it really that? I don't know. She never stated that as reason or expectation when we talked about this issue. And wouldn't it have to happen more frequently if it's the case? I just don't know what her true reasons are.

I'm actually not willing to accept it, I'm giving her and our relationship a higher priority than myself and what I want. I know I'm the desperate part in this relationship, partly because (after returning from abroad) I didn't find much life left other than a busy job.

I brought up the topic of living together again when she was here this time. I definitely don't want to wait much longer; I'm 35 now and my time on earth is limited too.

And it's not like she doesn't want to move. She was actually taking GMAT classes a year ago for a student visa to study her masters here. She stopped it when I broke up because of her disappearing (see above). I'm also aware that I'm asking a lot because she would risk her own career with moving to a country where she won't be able to find a job in her field for many years just because of the language.

---

The decision I'm facing now is whether I give in again like I always do or finally try to break up. I'm stuck again at that point. It's not that there's hard evidence that she was actually cheating or so; If it's true that she was just upset, breaking up would be overreacting. Taking into account that she should be aware of how I feel and respect what we agreed on, giving in would make me the desperate part again and teach her there are no consequences. It's a dilemma I'm always facing with her and makes me sick; I shouldn't feel like that in a healthy relationship. So I normally go on silent mode hoping there will be a reaction from her end, but there won't.

I'm sorry you're in this position. It sounds like you are ready to let go. That may be what's in your best interest instead of what she has been putting you through and will probably continue to do so. Good luck with whatever decision you make and best wishes moving forward. I still think a candid face to face could put this to rest one way or the other.

It sounds to me like you have already made your decision, but breaking up is hard to do. You will find support here. You have a valid reason for breaking up and it's time to put yourself first.