Relationship with an addict

Im not sure if this is the right area to post this but I need help with some clarity... I recently started talking with someone.I am finding myself to be very drawn to them, they have expressed interest in me and at first I was scared because I have a history of being with people who suffer from addiction, and I myself have personal experience with it) but I can't help but have feelings back.

He is a meth user, he injects it....he reached out to me and we have been talking everyday. He occasionally waits for me after work and walked with me to my bus.

then there are days where he will barley say hi, or stop to talk. Always busy going somewhere and I find I'm getting jealous thinking hes with other women, he says he hasn't been with a women in 3 years but I still get jealous. It may sound silly but I wasn't expecting to have feelings.

I am finding myself taking some of the things he is doing personally, he will use with women and I instantly think sex. Or if he doesn't say hi I get upset, he doesn't have the same thoughts as I do I guess. I don't like taking all this personally..i know cant change him and I know I should be looking at myself to understand why I am attracted to him...but I am and I want some clarity on addiction...can they love? is it real? are they unfaithful?

he wrote me a love letter expressing how he wanted to take a chance and see if something could happen even tho odds are most likely that they wont.. and that life is to short to sit back and wait for it to happen. he will give me little gifts ( one of his shirts and a ear ring he thought I would like) when we talk we just get along really well and have great conversations. he will spend all night( sometimes) talking with me. other days he is off on some adventure or hes depressed and withdrawing inwards Still using but barely talks to me.

I have read articles about addiction and get mixed advice on what to do, tough love doesn't work but boundaries should be set. Don't just toss them to side..i want to support him and be there for him but I also don't want to get hurt and I find that I am...I'm at the point where I think he is no longer interested and I've done something wrong.

Hi Sarahas,

It sounds like at the moment, drugs are the number one in this man's life. Until he decides to quit for good, I would suggest avoiding starting a relationship unless you are ready to take a backseat to his drug habit.

I just wasn't sure why he would reach out first with the letter to show interest and then stop being interested. I agree with you on what you're saying, it's just kind of painful because I developed feelings.

Idk...I see red flags all over the place. If it is starting off this rocky, what will the future hold? It seems like he is really struggling with his addiction. Are you capable of being around an addict? Will he get you to use again? If you still want to pursue this then maybe back off a bit, take it one step at a time, maybe just be friends for a while and see where it goes from there.

That's what's hard for me, being in his lifestyle. I care about him and feel like we have a good connection, I'm so drawn to him...but then there's him as an addict. I'm unsure, jealous, and feel crazy. I have expressed my feelings and I'm backing off and letting him do him...I'm here for him. It's hard to see him live a life like that.

Yes and please don't let him take you down with him. He really needs to get help and healthy first before starting a relationship.

Why would he reach out and express feelings in the first place?

idk, he probably likes you, but his behavior after that shows that he is always chasing the next high. That is his life right now. Just be careful.

I think i show signs of being a codependent person, I have been reading a lot about it and it is kind of scary to me..... I saw him tonight, he asked me how i was and how my week-end was and asked what did i get up to. I told him. He then said he was going to go to sleep..i said ok goodnight.

I am trying to distance myself and play it cool before i go flying off the handle analyzing everything that just happened.

Please be careful and wean yourself of these feelings until he has his drug usage under control. I know this seems impossible but it is a recipe for disaster. Take care.

I'm stepping back and putting distance, I've decided to see a therapist as well.

I am glad to see you on the right path. Good luck to you and keep in touch.

As a long term drug addict (24years) currently on H I am saying you are making the right choice.

Drugs are his life, they r the first thing he thinks of when he wakes,the last thing he thinks of at night. The term 'user' doesn't just refer to his addiction, it refers to his entire way of interacting.
You will never come first while he has a habit. Sometimes his honesty brutal as it is might seem like a step towards recovery...It isn't, after a certAin amount of time you know exactly how much to say to convince people your attempting to change.

He needs to do the work first, it's quite likely he hasn't been involved with a woman In years,you don't feel the need when you have a relationship with drugs, your focus is what do I do to get the money for my next fix. It's common for women to think better of a guy because he isn't trying to get in her bed, but if your a user it's because your working an angle for money instead.

I am sure someone will disAgree with me and whilst I sure there are a few exceptions, I would say I am an exception to the rule. But I still have done most of these things at one time or another. Some things don't ever seem to leave you.
I say if he wants a relationship with you bad enough he will stArt down the roAd to recovery first.

I wish you all the best. Good luck.

I guess I should be looking at his actions. I was thinking him being a little distant over the last few days were because I scared him with the feelings I had expressed to him in a letter. But it also may be because he's been up for at least a week and is starting the come down.
As for him using people for money or to get his next fix, he is on disability and uses that possibly welfare and gst cheques as well as using with groups of friends, they all live in low income housing which is paid for by the government, everything is pretty much taken care of. He's also very depressed and sad, mix that with using heavily, it's kinda a mess.

I feel safe in saying that you haven't dreamed of being with someone like this.

This alone should have you running in the opposite direction. Stop trying to think of what he means by this or that. Here is what is in his head. METH.

I have a really tough time letting go, and i usually think i have done something wrong. I am going to be seeing a therapist to help me get past this way of thinking..but for now in my mind i have these questions...right or wrong for me i want to know why.. why approach me and tell me you have feelings for me, then go days with not seeing or hearing from him. i need to realize that is what addicts do.

Sarahas, hello. I think you're doing very well taking the approach you're on -- therapist et al. Very smart!

Confession time: I was one of those girls who gravitated to "bad boys" -- and they to me. I'm talking, they would swarm me. lol (I was a challenge, supposedly ). It took me decades -- and a very young, very short marriage to one of the aforesaid Dangerous Dudes -- to figure a couple things out.

1. It ain't about you/me. EVER. It's about HIM: his needs/ wants/ moods. You exist to fall in with those. Whatever they are at that second. He's not feeling outgoing? Bye. He's high as hades & feeling delighted with himself? Oh come here you gorgeous thing!
2. I'm a born "FIXER". He needed "FIXED". His idea of what the fix was, was.....way different from mine!
3. See #1. Insert crying, pummelling, rehab x idk/idc how many. Insert one newborn. Insert me gtfo.
4. Please spare yourself 1 thru 3. Ain't a relationship on Earth worth it.

All the best to you. Please be good to yourself.

Hugs,

Chyia

I think putting some distance is the right thing to do. I am in a very similar situation right now where I recently have started having feelings for one of my friends who is an addict. I currently am struggling with my own substance abuse and as much as I am confused with wanting to get closer to him I know that he comes with too much baggage. As much as I may wish this wasn't true its the reality of the situation. I know letting myself get drawn in will only have a bad outcome for both of us. At least this is what I keep telling myself so for now I'm doing the same thing and distancing myself.