[The Blue Butterfly]

I have gotten myself in a tough situation and feeling very confused and at times hopeless. First, I have been with my husband for 7 years and together we have a 5 year old son. My husband and I have known each other since I was 8 and I am 30 now. He tends to have control issues and when he's mad, he can get verbally abusive. I have bipolar disorder and for the most part he is supportive but at times becomes frustrated with me and gets mean. We both have anger issues and sometimes get into physical altercations. He does work hard to provide for our family and usually my son and I are never without what we need. My father in law also lives with us. He has a drinking problem and be very obnoxious at times. While I was working at my previous job, a job I fell in love with, something unexpected happened. I met someone else. It wasn't planned, it just happened. I had an affair and my husband found out. He made my get fired from my job saying I had to choose between my job or our family. I understand he was hurt and I am guilty for my actions. It was a friendship that blossomed into something more. I feel bad for what I have done but at the same time I feel very confused because I fell in love with thus other guy. I have not been happy in my marriage for obvious reasons. This other guy makes me happy in ways I haven't been in years. I do not know what to do because I still do love my husband, he has been there through a lot of rough times. I just no longer in love with him. Our relationship can be volatile and I don't want our son to grow up thinking violence is okay. I want to be happy. Who doesn't? I also don't want to break up my family, I am afraid for my son. I am also afraid that if I do leave, my husband will do everything he can to gain custody of our son. Even though I was a SAHM for the first 3 years of my sons life. Took him to every doctors appointment and have been His primary caregiver since birth. My husband has to have control and will lash out . He is very manipulative and I do not trust him. I want to be happy but scared to take the steps to be happy. Although I do not get to see the other guy since leaving my job last November, we do talk and are very much in love. Our relationship began as a friendship and became serious about a year after I started my last job. I know cheating is wrong and again it was never in my thoughts to do so. Please do not judge me too harshly. My mom is on my side and supportive in leaving my husband and do is my therapist. I just need more support as to what to do with the mess I have gotten myself into. Part of me wants to just go back to normal and stay with my husband regardless of how unhappy and controlled I feel. Then I feel like I want to leave, be on my own until the divorce is finalized and go with the other guy after enough time has gone by for my son to adjust to the changes. I feel so hopelessly stuck and confused.

[Trippin2.0]

"Family" is so much more than sharing a roof or a name.

Your family is broken as it is.

You are in love with someone else, your husband is an abusive control freak, your FIL is an obnoxious drunk and your poor child is witnessing all of this thinking its all normal.

What you describe doesn't sound like a family unit at all. Sounds more like random people thrown together by circumstance.

Your son has a much better chance of growing up healthy and wise, if he gets to grow up watching his parents parent, even though they realized they could no longer marriage.

He has a much higher chance of being mentally scarred from watching his parents grow more and more resentful and abusive toward each other (verbal and physical altercations ) knowing in the end the stayed together for him, and ultimately blaming himself for their misery...

He also has a much higher chance of emulating this negative behavior, as he will most likely grow up to treat a woman the way his father treated his mother... Children learn what they live.

Or he could watch you part ways and learn that no matter how hard it is to start over, we can find the strength and courage to dust ourselves off and carve out a happy and healthy new existence for ourselves. Because we deserve to live with joy, love, dignity and self respect.

No judgment here, just sharing my perspective from one mother to another.

[Sunflower123]

Excellent advice from Trippin2.0. It will be difficult to extricate yourself but get a good attorney and go for it. You will be happier and so will your son. Good luck

[The Blue Butterfly]

An example of how my husband can be. Since giving birth to my son, I gained 60 pounds on my already large frame. I am 5'2 and at my heaviest weighed 265 pounds. My previous job kept me constantly moving and between my medication and staying active, I lost 100 pounds during my 1.5 years working there. For the first time in years I felt damn good about myself reaching a size 10 in pants. I had confidence for the first time in many depressive years. I felt amazing. When I lost this job I started gaining the weight back. I am back up to 208. I am upset and depressed about it. My husbands response to me being upset with my weight gain? "You look good with extra meat on your bones, plus you got too much attention when you were smaller. You had an affair. " I have been called a w****, a slut. He made this comment to my son. " mommy has a boyfriend. " my son doesn't need to be in the middle of this. I am tired of how we live. We move about every year. He gets sick of paying rent at one place and we have to move. He comes up with excuses as to why we must move. He has no drivers license, he owes back child support for his daughter that he does not attempt to contact. He owes 50,000+ to the IRS. He has a habit of scamming the system whenever he can. I do not want this life style for my son. My father in law is a drunk, although pleasant when sober. My mother in law is addicted to pills. My husband is a good father at times but loves to spoil our son. He will give our son whatever he wants and gives into his tantrums and will not discipline him. I tried getting our son into daycare to get him started with being around other kids and my husband pulled him out after 2 days. He play fights with our son which I am against because our son thinks its okay to hit. My husband nick named our cat "Tigger n*****" which my son started calling the cat this. My husband thought it was funny. I know I have cussed in front of our son so I am also to blame for some choice words he has repeated but he will not grow up to be unintentionally racist! I have no privacy. He has gotten better but at one point if I was active on my fb account, he would call me up and ask why. He will occasionally sign into my messenger and read my messages from people. At my last job, I had to call on every break and call when I got to my car. If I called more than 5 minutes after punching out, I would be asked why it took so long and who was I talking to. He doesn't like me going to my moms alone and if I talk to her he will ask me " oH did you talk to her about moving in" He has threatened that he would take my son and move back to Virginia, we live in new York near Vermont border. He gets ugly with me for not having sex with him. I honestly am not sexually attracted to him anymore. I honestly feel stuck. I would take my son to my moms but she lives 20 minutes away in Vermont which would involve taking him over state lines. I just recently got a new job and the first thing he said was "it better not happen again, how many guys are around you and how old are they. " I feel very stuck and unsure of what to do.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.. please follow the advice of Trippin..

[Sunflower123]

I really encourage you to leave this relationship. You don't deserve this and neither does your soon. Does he have any redeeming qualities? He's probably not going to consent to marriage counseling either is he? You could opt for shorter term pain (leaving him) or long term pain (the way you may live indefinitely).

[Trippin2.0]

Friendly reminder, you FEEL stuck, you are not in fact physically stuck.

You can make a move if you choose to do so.

Talk to a lawyer about what the implications are about living with your mom, get the facts in order to make informed decisions instead of allowing fear to rule you and make your decisions for you.

You can leave if you want to, you just have to be willing to deal with the repercussions, in your shoes I would have been gone long ago, and that's WITHOUT a new love interest.

Your husband wouldn't have been a husband for long if I was his wife.

Life is so short, I'd hate to think I had condemned myself and my child by staying, knowing it wont get better.

Remember you are not cemented to the floor of that house, you can move, one step at a time.