[chaotic13]

If you were single and met your spouse at a party or other social gathering today, would you find them attractive and interesting enough to date?

I am currently questioning my marriage and whether I can live with the changes that have occurred in my spouse over the past 10 years. I am aware that he is likely asking himself the same question.

Ha! This is such a good question. My wife and I are SO incompatible...we are opposites at just about everything....food, music, tv, heat, cold, money, cars...you name it.
Fortunately, one <u>important</u> thing has not diminished...
It was not always this way, so I really don't know how things would work out hypothetically as you suggest.
My guess is....no.

i guess... it is up to you guys to figure out whether you want to work on your marriage or not. i mean, there must have been reasons why you were attracted to each other in the first place and 10 years is a long history together. it might be that some of the things you don't like wouldn't bug you as much if there was more emotional intimacy. maybe...

could you do couples therapy or something?

try and rediscover each other?

[chaotic13]

AK as usual you raise a good point. I’ve recently realize that I am looking to explore the concept of emotional intimacy for the first time. Unfortunately, I really have had very little understanding of what it means to be deeply connected to someone. My past, be it what it may, has left me a person who has always only relied solely on myself. I never really counted on anyone to be there when I might need emotional support. I’m the type of person who always have at least 2 plan “B’s” to fall back on if necessary. In an effort to protect myself from being hurt by others, I’ve usually kept my personal feeling and thoughts mainly to myself. I don’t think these characteristics are all bad; I’m just questioning if this is how I want to be. As bad as it sounds I am just not sure I want to expose more of myself and become more vulnerable to my husband. I’m not sure he has what I think I want? This may also be just another layer of defensive behavior that I am working through.

it may well be another layer of defensive behaviour. on the other hand it may well be that part of your attraction to your husband was that he wasn't so very demanding / needy of emotional intimacy and so that suited you both at the time. as such, it might be that your concerns of how he would deal with your newfound desire for emotional intimacy may well be well placed.

i tend to think that when one person is unhappy in a relationship... then the other person is also likely to be unhappy in a relationship. i figure that we typically do notice that our partner is feeling unhappy and that it is hard to feel happy in the face of our partners unhappiness!

as we get older people do have increased desire for emotional intimacy. as people get older they are less interested in meeting new people and more interested in consolidating friendships with people they already know. the people we know become important to us and we tend to want to work on increased intimacy with them rather than flitting around meeting new people on a fairly superficial level.

i guess... how do you think that your husband would respond to you if you told him something of how you are feeling? if you said that you would like to work on having a more fulfilling marriage and that you have been feeling fairly distant from him and you would like to work on becoming closer and rediscovering some of the things that you like about each other. how do you think he would respond to that?

it might be... that he surprises you. it might be... that he is sympathetic to the idea.

alternatively... i guess you could try and work on increasing intimacy without the formal conversation. i was reading this article on intimacy the other day and it was talking about some very general differences in how females and males conceive of intimacy. guys tend to feel connected when they engage in enjoyable activities with people. playing football or watching football together or going fishing or whatever. not so much talking about feelings but more just hanging out being at ease in the other persons company. are there any activities like that that you enjoy doing together? it might be that maximising the moments of mutual smiling connection or feelings of peace and contentment is one way of feeling emotionally closer.

what are some of the things that you liked about him when you fell in love with him? are there things you can do so you can feel more of those?

can you arrange to have some special time together to do things? or ask him if you can plan some romantic stuff to do like having a nice dinner together or going on a holiday or stuff like that?

[CJR520]

Everyone has their problems, but I made a good choice 31 years ago after a disasterous choice when I was way too young. We like the same music, food, entertainment. I don't watch as many races or ballgames on T.V., but I like to scrapbook and sew and read. I go to his Nascar and stock car races with him, and he helps take care of my ex riding horses who are now big pets. We do pretty good. We have 17 acres to take care of, six grandkids, and we do all the work together. I basically have it made!!

I did a simlar thing some time ago, once I realised that we had both changed so much that I didnt want to be with him I gave him the chance to change, I was honest with him and told him how I felt and that he had to change or the marriage was over. He ignored me and here I am seven years later with a new man another child and happier than I have been for years.

yeah. takes two to tango, i guess. if you weren't similarly willing and able to listen to how he felt about you (e.g., the things about you that he might not have been happy with) and you weren't able or willing to look at better communication and at comprimise and at really working on that emotional intimacy...

then one can of course split and run.

i guess one might be happier with someone else for a time.

my experience of life tends to be that we relive the same patterns over and over and over unless we are prepared to look at our role in maintaining them.

my father has been married three times. and you know what? my stepmother is remarkably like my mother in a lot of ways. of course my father will never admit that...

but yeah... emotional intimacy.

or not.

as the case may be.

Well I tried for 15 years I think that is long enough for any one, but he was unwilling to make an effort, how much more of my life was I meant to give ?

As for likeness .............. One has an IQ the other dosnt.