[reesecup2017]

Hi, this is my first time posting here so bare with me. My husband is an adult child of an alcoholic. Just to give you some background info on him, his mom is an alcoholic, she and his dad got divorced when he was around 9 or 10. After this, they both got remarried. His dad got with a woman who had 2 daughters from previous marriages. My husband and his younger brother then moved in with his dad and stepmom/stepsisters. According to my husband, he grew up in a very hyper-sexualized environment when he lived with his stepmom. He said she would always tell him and the other kids about sexual experiences that she'd been involved with in the past. He said she would sometimes teach him and the other kids how to kiss. Apparently she was concerned that if any of them were to get boyfriends/girlfriends someday, they wouldnt know how to kiss properly so they had to take turns practicing on each other. To me, that sounds like borderline sexual abuse. Basically. my husband had a messed up childhood. He went from living with an alcoholic to living with a sex addict. Until he started going to a psychologist these past few years, he thought that a lot of this stuff was normal.

Anyway, my husband and his oldest stepsister are about the same age, and he said that his stepmom would always make comments about how a lot of step siblings do things with each other (meaning in a sexual way). Then he said she would get angry and say "You two better not ever do anything like that!!". The first thought that came to my mind was "if you don't want them to do anything like that, why in the world would you even put those thoughts into their head?". My husband says he feels almost like she was trying to lead them into it.

I didn't know any of this stuff until yesterday. I knew that his stepmom had serious issues and I knew about all the sex stuff that she would talk about, but I didn't know about the stuff specifically involving his stepsister. We have been together for about 10 years, married for 7 years and we have a 2 year child together. When we first started dating, he told me that when he was in high school, he almost had sex with some girl. Supposedly, he tried to but he was a virgin and so was she, so it was awkward and weird, and he didn't get to actually finish the act because they got interrupted and had to stop. Up until recently, these were the only details that I knew. I just assumed that it was someone he went to school with, and that maybe he parents had walked in on them or something. Anytime I would try to inquire further details, he would always say that it was embarrassing, and that he didn't want to talk about it. So, I left it at that. I always thought the whole story sounded a little bit off and I just felt like there was more to it, but I figured he would talk about it when he was ready.

So, yesterday, somehow the topic got brought up. And he says to me "you know that girl that I told you about in high school?.... that was my stepsister". I was shocked. I never expected him to say that it was her. Apparently this is why he is so embarrassed about it and never wanted to talk about it. He said that he always felt bad for not telling me but that the subject hardly gets brought up and its difficult to bring it up. He told me that it was a situation where they were both inexperienced and were just being stupid. Plus the fact that they grew up in the household that they did, where everything was so highly sexualized. He said that his stepmom pulled up in the driveway and they had to stop before they got caught. He said that they both regretted it later and realized once they were older that it wasn't normal. He said she told him that "those things should probably be done with someone that youre in love with and have feelings for". For some people, that statement might be obvious, but when you grow up in a house like that, you have no clue what normal is.

Considering the way he grew up and how his stepmom is, I think it was probably just inevitable that something like that would happen, so I can't say I really fault him too much. It bothers me more that he went all this time without telling me. I mean he told me part of the story but he left out a huge detail. I've met his stepsister several times and it just makes me feel kind of stupid that they had this secret between them that I didn't know about. Now I cant help but to feel like its going to be weird the next time I'm around his stepsister, now that I know this. I mean its in the past, they've moved on and supposedly they didn't have romantic feelings for each other but its still a part of their past and I feel like I should have known about it.

He did apologize for not telling me sooner. He says it was bothered him for a long time and that it was always super embarrassing but that he is finally coming to terms with it and has accepted it. Me on the other hand, I'm still in kind of a state of shock. He suggested that maybe we should see a therapist together to talk about it and sort it out because he says he don't want to tell me how to feel. He has finally came to terms with it and he understands that I will need time to get to that point as well. He even suggested maybe he, myself and his stepsister all talk about it if she would be willing to. It would probably be awkward and uncomfortable but what we are learning is that sometimes you have to come out of your comfort zone in order to gain closure. What do you all think? Any tips or advice is very appreciated. Thanks.

[Sunflower123]

First off welcome to PC. You'll find lots of support here. I'm sorry your husband had such a tough childhood. He was fortunate to end up with someone as wise and compassionate as you. Do you think it would be a good idea for you to have individual in conjunction with couples therapy? You both need to process this individually as well. I would wait until you've had therapy before you consider whether you want talk with the stepsister. I understand your shock as well as him not being able to share before now. This incident psychologically scarred him. I wish you both the best. I'm here if you need to talk.

[reesecup2017]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

First off welcome to PC. You'll find lots of support here. I'm sorry your husband had such a tough childhood. He was fortunate to end up with someone as wise and compassionate as you. Do you think it would be a good idea for you to have individual in conjunction with couples therapy? You both need to process this individually as well. I would wait until you've had therapy before you consider whether you want talk with the stepsister. I understand your shock as well as him not being able to share before now. This incident psychologically scarred him. I wish you both the best. I'm here if you need to talk.

Hi, Jennifer. Thank you for your response. I hadn't thought about going to therapy individually along with as a couple, but that's probably a good idea. My husband had been seeing a psychologist for a few years and he just recently felt comfortable enough to stop going. He said he never brought up the issue to his therapist. I don't think he's ever openly discussed it with anyone to be honest, other than me. When it first happened he said he wasn't too embarrassed about it bechsse he didn't think it was a big deal but as he got older, he realized that it wasn't normal and then he didn't want to ever talk about it again. He says he is starting to accept it and move past it but I'm sure therapy would still be helpful for him. I think with issues this big, you just about have to talk to a professional to truly move past it. I agree that we should probably talk to a professional about it before asking his stepsister to get involved with anything. I want to be sure that if we ever do bring it up to her, that I'm going to be able to respond in a civil, respectful way. I don't want to respond with my emotions in other words. That could be bad.

I appreciate your positive and kind words. Honestly if he has told me this stuff when we first got together, I might have had a different reaction. Back then, I didn't know just how messed up his childhood was. But now I do know, and that's why I don't blame him much for the mistakes that he made in the past. He never really had a role model in his life to show him what "normal" was. I don't want him to be weird whenever I see his stepsister again, but I'm afraid it probably will be. I mean I don't plan on treating her any differently but it's going to be hard to not have that image of them pop up in my head when I see her. But I am trying my best to put myself in his shoes and to understand where he was coming from. If I was raised in the home that he was, there's a good chance that something like that could have happened to me, and I'd probably never want to bring it up either. I will mention the therapy thing to him again (both individual and as a couple) and see what he thinks. Thanks again!

[Molinit]

Therapy for you and I do hope that you are not leaving your child with anyone out of that household for babysitting because it's dangerous for a child.

How did your husband "come to terms" with this abuse? If he didn't do it in therapy, I would question how safe he is around his child also.

If it were me, I'd go no contact with the bunch of them.

[reesecup2017]

Originally Posted by Molinit

Therapy for you and I do hope that you are not leaving your child with anyone out of that household for babysitting because it's dangerous for a child.

How did your husband "come to terms" with this abuse? If he didn't do it in therapy, I would question how safe he is around his child also.

If it were me, I'd go no contact with the bunch of them.

His family lives in another state so no, they never babysit. There aren't many people, if any, people in his family that we would trust to babysit. My mom always does the babysitting. As far as my husband, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he can be trusted with our child. He realizes that the way he was raised is not normal and he is purposely trying to raise our son differently. He is a very loving, caring and devoted husband/father. He had been in therapy for several years and just recently stopped going, so that's how he was able to overcome and accept a lot of the things that have happened to him in the past. He just never specifically brought up the thing about his stepsister to his psychologist. When I say he has came to terms with it, I mean it's something that still somewhat bothers him but he has accepted that it can't be taken back and he is trying to move on from it. His psychologist is more than just a psychologist to him. He actually became a close friend of ours and he taught my husband taught my husband a lot of valuable information that he will carry with him for life.

He knows that the things he experienced during childhood were wrong and he holds his family completely responsible for what they have done but at the same time, he knows that people are a product of how they were raised. His stepmom is the way she is because she obviously came from a very dysfunctional home herself. That doesn't excuse her behavior but it does at least give some insight as to why she is the way she is. My moms husband is an alcoholic because she was sexually abused as a child by her own father. Again, this doesn't excuse the choices she makes, but people who have traumatic childhoods are more proned to having addictions. Many people who had abusive childhoods DO turn to drugs, alcohol, etc. they don't seek therapy or want to change. The thing that makes my husband different from the rest of his family is that he realizes that his childhood wasn't normal, and he realizes he doesn't want to be like his other family members.

He is not the same person as he was a few years ago before he started going to therapy. In those years that he went to therapy, I trust that his psychologist taught him the skills needed in order to properly heal and cope with traumatic events. However, I have just recently learned about what happened between him and his stepsister so I am not to that point yet personally. So, I do think it would be a good idea for me to go to therapy and for us to go as also. And, if he wants to go to therapy separately (by himself) as well to talk about the issue, I would certainly support that. But honestly, I think I need the therapy probably more than he does at this point, due to the fact that he has been in therapy for so many years up until recently, and I haven't.

[reesecup2017]

Originally Posted by reesecup2017

His family lives in another state so no, they never babysit. There aren't many people, if any, people in his family that we would trust to babysit. My mom always does the babysitting. As far as my husband, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he can be trusted with our child. He realizes that the way he was raised is not normal and he is purposely trying to raise our son differently. He is a very loving, caring and devoted husband/father. He had been in therapy for several years and just recently stopped going, so that's how he was able to overcome and accept a lot of the things that have happened to him in the past. He just never specifically brought up the thing about his stepsister to his psychologist. When I say he has came to terms with it, I mean it's something that still somewhat bothers him but he has accepted that it can't be taken back and he is trying to move on from it. His psychologist is more than just a psychologist to him. He actually became a close friend of ours and he taught my husband taught my husband a lot of valuable information that he will carry with him for life.

He knows that the things he experienced during childhood were wrong and he holds his family completely responsible for what they have done but at the same time, he knows that people are a product of how they were raised. His stepmom is the way she is because she obviously came from a very dysfunctional home herself. That doesn't excuse her behavior but it does at least give some insight as to why she is the way she is. My moms husband is an alcoholic because she was sexually abused as a child by her own father. Again, this doesn't excuse the choices she makes, but people who have traumatic childhoods are more proned to having addictions. Many people who had abusive childhoods DO turn to drugs, alcohol, etc. they don't seek therapy or want to change. The thing that makes my husband different from the rest of his family is that he realizes that his childhood wasn't normal, and he realizes he doesn't want to be like his other family members.

He is not the same person as he was a few years ago before he started going to therapy. In those years that he went to therapy, I trust that his psychologist taught him the skills needed in order to properly heal and cope with traumatic events. However, I have just recently learned about what happened between him and his stepsister so I am not to that point yet personally. So, I do think it would be a good idea for me to go to therapy and for us to go as also. And, if he wants to go to therapy separately (by himself) as well to talk about the issue, I would certainly support that. But honestly, I think I need the therapy probably more than he does at this point, due to the fact that he has been in therapy for so many years up until recently, and I haven't.

I just realized that I said my moms husband was an alcoholic. That was a typo. I meant to say my husband's mom is an alcoholic because she was sexually abused by her father as a child. And also in the last paragraph I meant to say I think it would be good for me to go to therapy as well as going as a couple. Not sure why I can't edit previous posts.