[Otherworlder92]

I'm posting here today because I know that I need to change my self for the better but I'm not sure how to go about it and I'm honestly not sure if I can change because I have been the way I am for so long. I have honestly tried to be a good husband even though I have failed at that but I did try. Just like when I was growing up I tried to be a good son.

I feel like I have never been allowed to really be myself because of how people will judge and compare me to some of the monsters in my family. I have always felt like I had to be someone else then who I really am because of the people that are in my life. Is there any advice anyone can give me ?

[metalchick]

How about just being yourself? You are who you are, just don't do anything illegal.

[Skeezyks]

Well... you don't say who it is you imagine you could be if you weren't busy being someone else because of the people in your life. I've had a lifetime's worth of experience with this. And I'm here to tell you it's not pretty!

Anyway, in terms of advice on how to change, assuming that the things you want to change don't involve your basic "personality structure" so to speak, but rather involve such things as how you spend your time, what you eat & / or drink, who your friends are... that sort of stuff... then the advice I would offer would be to simply start small with one or two things that aren't too difficult. Then go on from there adding a few things as time goes on.

Trying to make wholesale changes seldom works in my experience. It's just too much too fast. And then, going along with that, you may need to make some additional changes with regard to the people you spend time with & where you "hang out". You can't expect to continue to be surrounded by the same people & temptations that caused you to become someone you don't want to be & still change I don't believe. Change can be difficult. But you can do it.

[Crazy Hitch]

Identify what exactly it is you'd like to change.

Whilst we're pretty ingrained in things like our personality at this stage of the game, if you're looking to change things within your marriage, it's actions that you can change.

Start small. Don't try take on the whole world all in one go.

Think of one small gesture that you can start with at a time.

Take your wife for coffee?
Go for a walk on the beach?
Give her flowers?
Do the cooking and dinner for her?

[Sunflower123]

You've gotten some excellent advice here. Good luck with any changes you wish to make and best wishes.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by metalchick

How about just being yourself? You are who you are, just don't do anything illegal.

I would be myself but I'm not sure if I like the real me enough to do that.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Well... you don't say who it is you imagine you could be if you weren't busy being someone else because of the people in your life. I've had a lifetime's worth of experience with this. And I'm here to tell you it's not pretty!

Anyway, in terms of advice on how to change, assuming that the things you want to change don't involve your basic "personality structure" so to speak, but rather involve such things as how you spend your time, what you eat & / or drink, who your friends are... that sort of stuff... then the advice I would offer would be to simply start small with one or two things that aren't too difficult. Then go on from there adding a few things as time goes on.

Trying to make wholesale changes seldom works in my experience. It's just too much too fast. And then, going along with that, you may need to make some additional changes with regard to the people you spend time with & where you "hang out". You can't expect to continue to be surrounded by the same people & temptations that caused you to become someone you don't want to be & still change I don't believe. Change can be difficult. But you can do it.

Thanks for the advice I think this advice will be helpful.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Identify what exactly it is you'd like to change.

Whilst we're pretty ingrained in things like our personality at this stage of the game, if you're looking to change things within your marriage, it's actions that you can change.

Start small. Don't try take on the whole world all in one go.

Think of one small gesture that you can start with at a time.

Take your wife for coffee?
Go for a walk on the beach?
Give her flowers?
Do the cooking and dinner for her?

Thanks for the advice.

[Bill3]

I would be myself but I'm not sure if I like the real me enough to do that.

What do you not like about the real you?

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you not like about the real you?

What I don't like about the real me is that I'm a screw up that never has anything go right for him. I also don't like that I have so much anger inside me that I can't let out. I also don't like that I feel so insecure.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Otherworlder92

What I don't like about the real me is that I'm a screw up that never has anything go right for him. I also don't like that I have so much anger inside me that I can't let out. I also don't like that I feel so insecure.

That sounds like all or nothing thinking. Do you ALWAYS screw things up? Can you think of some things that have worked out? You can work on the anger and the insecurity. You can make those changes but it will be a lot easier if you are compassionate will yourself.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Otherworlder92

I'm posting here today because I know that I need to change my self for the better but I'm not sure how to go about it and I'm honestly not sure if I can change because I have been the way I am for so long. I have honestly tried to be a good husband even though I have failed at that but I did try. Just like when I was growing up I tried to be a good son.

I feel like I have never been allowed to really be myself because of how people will judge and compare me to some of the monsters in my family. I have always felt like I had to be someone else then who I really am because of the people that are in my life. Is there any advice anyone can give me ?

I understand your predicament. But heres what I think is part of the key. You try very hard at being a good __________ ok that's all fine and dandy but what does it mean? Seems quite vague. And if this is your typical thinking your brain has nothing to grab onto on what exactly to change.

What is a good son, what is a good husband? What is a good anything? Define this in your mind as to what you know you need to change and focus on thos specific behaviors not just "try to be good"

Better yet, don't just define it in your mind. Communicate with your wife. Find out how she defines your being a good husband. Some things will be hard to live up to at first but some of those things you can work on now. But the thing that is important here is the definition of "good husband" is vastly different between different people, and likely between you and your wife. Many times, what we as men think are things we should be doing, are not the things that the wife or gf is focused on when they evaluate us. Same for wives and gfs trying to be good. Keep in mind my point here is that finding out what SHE wants from you is your answer. Guessing at it will be hit and miss but communicating with her about it is going to be far more successful.

It may seem kind of scary to have this communication but I will tell you the truth, in any situation when we are willing to come to someone, and not be above reproach but willing to admit that we fall short of the expected line, the other person is going to be typically very willing to share with you what they want, not only that the admission of being less than perfect is always something that helps to make the other person realize you're only human and be more forgiving.

Give it a shot.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

That sounds like all or nothing thinking. Do you ALWAYS screw things up? Can you think of some things that have worked out? You can work on the anger and the insecurity. You can make those changes but it will be a lot easier if you are compassionate will yourself.

I don't really screw everything up . I can think of some things that worked out. I'm just hard on myself for what I have messed up but I will try to not to be so hard on myself in the Future.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I understand your predicament. But heres what I think is part of the key. You try very hard at being a good __________ ok that's all fine and dandy but what does it mean? Seems quite vague. And if this is your typical thinking your brain has nothing to grab onto on what exactly to change.

What is a good son, what is a good husband? What is a good anything? Define this in your mind as to what you know you need to change and focus on thos specific behaviors not just "try to be good"

Better yet, don't just define it in your mind. Communicate with your wife. Find out how she defines your being a good husband. Some things will be hard to live up to at first but some of those things you can work on now. But the thing that is important here is the definition of "good husband" is vastly different between different people, and likely between you and your wife. Many times, what we as men think are things we should be doing, are not the things that the wife or gf is focused on when they evaluate us. Same for wives and gfs trying to be good. Keep in mind my point here is that finding out what SHE wants from you is your answer. Guessing at it will be hit and miss but communicating with her about it is going to be far more successful.

It may seem kind of scary to have this communication but I will tell you the truth, in any situation when we are willing to come to someone, and not be above reproach but willing to admit that we fall short of the expected line, the other person is going to be typically very willing to share with you what they want, not only that the admission of being less than perfect is always something that helps to make the other person realize you're only human and be more forgiving.

Give it a shot.

Thanks for the good advice.