[Feeling_Hopeless74]

right now im a mess and not sure what i should do or what to expect in writing this but I need to get it out

2 nights ago I was going through my girlfriends phone because she was showing me something and then I decided to just be nosy and she kept trying to get her phone so it made me more curious. come to find out she had snapchat on her phone which we agreed a long time ago to not have because it made me insecure. and, she was talking to a guy friend who she says is her gay friend (my opinion is that he is a bisexual)

before we ever decided to delete sc before she agreed to not talk to this person and deleted him, I found out a month later that she added him back and was chatting with him so then I did stupid stuff and added girls on my sc and got out of hand myself so we both agreed to delete snap chat. this was several months ago. she mentioned in passing one day that she was thinking of making a new one so she could see her family who lives 3 hours away, I told her no because it wasnt a good idea. this was weeks ago....now just a couple nights ago I find out she has had it for some weeks now and has been chatting with not just her family but her "gay" friend as well.
I'm really just tired of all this and I know that I'm mad and hurt right now at the moment and things might be better after awhile and this is just snapchat not a big deal to some people but should I really continue to keep giving her chances, I feel like a idiot right now for allowing this.

when I asked why she did this, she said that she told me she was going to and that I probably didnt hear her but I told her we wouldve had a more serious conversation if i heard of her really seriously considering having a sc again. she said she thought we were past all that and have grown so she thought it was ok....

I had so many plans now that she was done with school for semester for christmas dates and gifts but now i just feel like a idiot and really dont want to get her anything at all. i already pay the bills and take care of her while she goes to school to find out im being betrayed....

please let me know what everyone thinks and sorry about my typing

[riptide53]

Originally Posted by Feeling_Hopeless74

right now im a mess and not sure what i should do or what to expect in writing this but I need to get it out

2 nights ago I was going through my girlfriends phone because she was showing me something and then I decided to just be nosy and she kept trying to get her phone so it made me more curious. come to find out she had snapchat on her phone which we agreed a long time ago to not have because it made me insecure. and, she was talking to a guy friend who she says is her gay friend (my opinion is that he is a bisexual)

before we ever decided to delete sc before she agreed to not talk to this person and deleted him, I found out a month later that she added him back and was chatting with him so then I did stupid stuff and added girls on my sc and got out of hand myself so we both agreed to delete snap chat. this was several months ago. she mentioned in passing one day that she was thinking of making a new one so she could see her family who lives 3 hours away, I told her no because it wasnt a good idea. this was weeks ago....now just a couple nights ago I find out she has had it for some weeks now and has been chatting with not just her family but her "gay" friend as well.
I'm really just tired of all this and I know that I'm mad and hurt right now at the moment and things might be better after awhile and this is just snapchat not a big deal to some people but should I really continue to keep giving her chances, I feel like a idiot right now for allowing this.

when I asked why she did this, she said that she told me she was going to and that I probably didnt hear her but I told her we wouldve had a more serious conversation if i heard of her really seriously considering having a sc again. she said she thought we were past all that and have grown so she thought it was ok....

I had so many plans now that she was done with school for semester for christmas dates and gifts but now i just feel like a idiot and really dont want to get her anything at all. i already pay the bills and take care of her while she goes to school to find out im being betrayed....

please let me know what everyone thinks and sorry about my typing

She's not ready for a committed relationship, you sound together, so go find someone more commitment ready

Originally Posted by riptide53

She's not ready for a committed relationship, you sound together, so go find someone more commitment ready

Disagree. Committed relationship doesn't mean you can't talk to your friends. The issue here is a lack of trust. If you don't trust her, don't be in a relationship with her.

[divine1966]

You both sound not ready. How old are you

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

We've been dating for 2 years. I'm 28 and she's 27. It seems like a very immature situation I know. In a way I want a reason to stay because I've already invested time in her and I'm not getting any younger but at the same time I don't want to open myself up to being lied to again and again every time she feels like she wants to open a Snapchat or talk on there. In my opinion there is no reason why a guy should be sending any snaps to another girl that's in a relationship when they have each other on fb. Sc is just too private and sketchy but that's my opinion...

[Nammu]

You should see a therapist to get to the root of your insecurities and trust issues. Sc is not an affair people in relationships can talk to others.

[divine1966]

I know nothing about snap chat but I dont see how it’s a big deal unless she sends naked pics

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

Originally Posted by Nammu

You should see a therapist to get to the root of your insecurities and trust issues. Sc is not an affair people in relationships can talk to others.

I know what my issues with sc are. When we got together we both had sc. I only had male friends on mine aside from maybe 2 girls. She had both and a majority of her male friends were guys she had sex with or flirted with. I was not fond of that and she said they're just friends now ect. So I did the same and added female friends with similar backgrounds and she didn't like that and wanted to bargain then and say ok I see how you feel. If I'm insecure it was because she made me that way instead of being mutually respectful and just having girls as she wanted me to just have males on my sc.

[Bill3]

If I'm insecure it was because she made me that way

You have been with her for two years now and you've told us that you don't trust her, you particularly don't trust her to speak to a male friend, you could not resist going through her phone, you think it is a major issue for her to be on sc so she can be in touch with her family, you need to look for reasons to stay.

Why are you in a relationship with her?

In previous relationships of yours, to what extent were there similar issues of trust and insecurity?

Hmmm... has she lied before? Is there a history of her lying and keeping things from you or is this the first instance? If it's the first time, then perhaps you can let it slide.... but the trust issue needs to be resolved. What made you snoop in her phone? There must have been a reason you didn't trust her.

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Hmmm... has she lied before? Is there a history of her lying and keeping things from you or is this the first instance? If it's the first time, then perhaps you can let it slide.... but the trust issue needs to be resolved. What made you snoop in her phone? There must have been a reason you didn't trust her.

Well this is the second time on that same issue. Idk if what I wrote in my original post was hard to understand but I'll explain again.

When we first had sc i did not want her talking to her "gay" friend. She said she would delete him and not talk to him anymore but only after I deleted females from mine. We both did that. About a month later I found put she added him back without telling me and had been sc him again. Later on after that we had mutual agreed to just delete sc all together because of the problems it causes. We've gone several months without it. Now, a couple nights ago I found out that not only did she have the app again without even talking to me about it, she also had that guy I didn't want her to talk to. Now, had I opened it and seen she only had family members on it like she originally had mentioned I may not have been as mad or hurt but I feel like I've just been played for a idiot this whole time....

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

Since finding out that she has had sc again for a few weeks now, we argued about it and I told her I wanted some time apart and to take a break. She said that she didn't want that. That she wanted to stay with me, I didn't feel any sincerity from her.... and, the when time we talked about the situation and how she has lied about this before and how I don't want to trust her again just for her to do the same thing. She never once brought up deleting Snapchat to stay together until I did. She was hoping to stay together and keep sc and I don't want that...

So now she deleted it once again and is working in getting me and expects everything to go back to normal and it's not. I don't really talk to her, spoon her when were sleeping or text through out the day while working. I just feel like a idiot in the first place for her lying about this and now it's a 2nd time. How much worse am I gonna feel if I trust her and not go through her phone to later on find out there's a 3rd time.

The way I see it is if you're gonna lie about a small thing like sc, you're gonna lie about something big and if you can keep it from me without guilt then she will probably eventually cheat on me and keep that from me as well.

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I know nothing about snap chat but I dont see how it’s a big deal unless she sends naked pics

That's really the only purpose of having a sc. Other wise you can send a text or a message on fb. Snap chat you can send a pic or message with a timer on it and once it's gone you can't reopen it ever again.

Originally Posted by Feeling_Hopeless74

Well this is the second time on that same issue. Idk if what I wrote in my original post was hard to understand but I'll explain again.

When we first had sc i did not want her talking to her "gay" friend. She said she would delete him and not talk to him anymore but only after I deleted females from mine. We both did that. About a month later I found put she added him back without telling me and had been sc him again. Later on after that we had mutual agreed to just delete sc all together because of the problems it causes. We've gone several months without it. Now, a couple nights ago I found out that not only did she have the app again without even talking to me about it, she also had that guy I didn't want her to talk to. Now, had I opened it and seen she only had family members on it like she originally had mentioned I may not have been as mad or hurt but I feel like I've just been played for a idiot this whole time....

I see... and sorry if you had to explain this again!

So she has been deceitful twice and wanted to still SC with this guy. Since he's gay, there really is not much of a threat, but you said you think he is bi. I would be concerned about the deceit. There is something going on here with this other guy somehow. I don't know if it's purely innocent, but clearly she wants a relationship of sorts with him beyond just Facebook pics. That does seem odd to me, and also unfair to you since you deleted all females and stopped using it at her request. It was a mutual agreement, and she chose to do the opposite.

I don't know what the answer here is. I would have a hard time trusting her -- trust is the foundation of a good, solid relationship. If you can't trust her, then what do you have? Not much I'm afraid. :/ If she can't seem to stop the Sc with this guy, what is up with that? It's suspect.

Originally Posted by Feeling_Hopeless74

The way I see it is if you're gonna lie about a small thing like sc, you're gonna lie about something big and if you can keep it from me without guilt then she will probably eventually cheat on me and keep that from me as well.

You're 100% correct. You don't know what else she is capable of doing or lying about. Basically, trust has been tainted and ruined.

[Bill3]

Why do you not trust her to be on sc with this one guy?

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

why do you doubt that the guy is gay?

you probably know there is private messaging on other social media platforms. why focus on snapchat?

it's fine to have trust issues, but you seem to be trying futilely to resolve them by controlling your gf. no one owes you the truth. would you rather she stayed faithful to you out of force, or for you to discover her true nature by letting her do as she wants? if she has no freedom to do as she wishes, you will never know if she actually wants you sincerely. Maybe there is another way to ease your worry.

do you want the truth?

i assume you are keeping this conversation a secret from her.

ps--i hope my tone wasn't harsh, i've been drinking a lot of coffee lately and had no sleep. my opinions are totally subjective.

I agree with you, I can't force her to be honest with me but this was a mutual agreement to not have sc. The same thing when we agreed to not talk to the opposite sex on sc, maybe we set ourselves up for failure right there? Idk.

Why I think this guy is bisexual and not gay - he goes out with her sisters to clubs all the time and she let slip one time that he has also made out with them while drunk... I know alcohol can cause you to do dumb things but i would never make out with one of my guys while we were out drinking (this was years ago) 2. Recently my gf told me that this guy confessed one night that he wanted to be with her sister (one of the ones he made out with) might have been drunk then too but it doesn't make a difference to me.

Now my gf has gone out with this guy multiple times too before we dated and she says nothing has ever happened he's just her best friend from kids. It's hard for me to not expect he has more feelings towards my gf than just to be friends. And, it's hard for me to just let her go out and drink with him too as she would like to do...now mind you they live 3 hours apart but she visits home every few months and I have no idea what goes on

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

I tried to answer everyone in that last comment so please if I missed anything let me know.

[Bill3]

She wishes to use sc to keep in touch with family, at a minimum. How was then it that she agreed not to use sc?

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

Originally Posted by Bill3

She wishes to use sc to keep in touch with family, at a minimum. How was then it that she agreed not to use sc?

I'm a little confused. How's that relevant if she clearly proved that she was not just keeping in touch with family like she said she wanted the sc for in the first place.

Someone asked if I told her about this conversation. I have not but maybe later I might show her this thread and let her read it herself

[Bill3]

How's that relevant if she clearly proved that she was not just keeping in touch with family like she said she wanted the sc for in the first place.

To me, her state of mind at the time of the agreement is important. Let's say for example that you told her "I am leaving you unless you agree to get off of sc." In that event, she could have felt coerced and shamed and could have maintained mental reservations about staying off of sc. In my mind, then, to simply dismiss her now as a liar would be to omit significant parts of the picture.

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

Originally Posted by Bill3

To me, her state of mind at the time of the agreement is important. Let's say for example that you told her "I am leaving you unless you agree to get off of sc." In that event, she could have felt coerced and shamed and could have maintained mental reservations about staying off of sc. In my mind, then, to simply dismiss her now as a liar would be to omit significant parts of the picture.

Thank you, really. I never thought to look at it that way...

Not saying that fixes everything but it definitely gives me a different perspective to look at

[behindthemirror]

There is such a thing as emotional infidelity. She has also gone back on her agreement with Snapchat and the “friend” multiple times and has been dishonest with you. I think you need to draw a hard line with her concerning this guy and the Snapchat. Also, you should both read the book “Not Just Friends” (I believe the author is Shirley Glass).

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Feeling_Hopeless74

That's really the only purpose of having a sc. Other wise you can send a text or a message on fb. Snap chat you can send a pic or message with a timer on it and once it's gone you can't reopen it ever again.

Oh I see! That makes a difference

[Feeling_Hopeless74]

Originally Posted by behindthemirror

There is such a thing as emotional infidelity. She has also gone back on her agreement with Snapchat and the “friend” multiple times and has been dishonest with you. I think you need to draw a hard line with her concerning this guy and the Snapchat. Also, you should both read the book “Not Just Friends” (I believe the author is Shirley Glass).

I already felt like I drew that line the last time she was talking to this guy. So how would you suggest I did that if I consider staying with her...

I looked into the book since they have it on audible. Thanks