[Jellyfish18]

So to speak.
I spoke to many workers already and they did not say why I am struggling. They said I can talk fine and they would invite me out if it were them. But I am having difficulty connecting to people, not to mention difficulty knowing how to fill my time. I don't understand why these things keep happening. Even when I do meet up with someone, I have trouble making it "fun" it feels. Something other than just have a random chat.. And the strangest thing, if I get the opportunity it feels difficult to "deepen" the relationship. So it just goes nowhere sometimes.
I go to the shop and I just manage to say what I need. That's where any interaction stops. Maybe if I ask some other questions they will answer but it does not really "lead to" anything. I end up feeling lonely.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Jellyfish18

So to speak.
I spoke to many workers already and they did not say why I am struggling. They said I can talk fine and they would invite me out if it were them. But I am having difficulty connecting to people, not to mention difficulty knowing how to fill my time. I don't understand why these things keep happening. Even when I do meet up with someone, I have trouble making it "fun" it feels. Something other than just have a random chat.. And the strangest thing, if I get the opportunity it feels difficult to "deepen" the relationship. So it just goes nowhere sometimes.
I go to the shop and I just manage to say what I need. That's where any interaction stops. Maybe if I ask some other questions they will answer but it does not really "lead to" anything. I end up feeling lonely.

I have the same problems. Sometimes just being your true self will cause people to not like you. Keep being your true self and eventually someone will like you for who you are.

I've said this before. Observe those around you that you admire or who are successful for clues as to why they are. It's not just about what they say and how they say it but their body language as they do so. Non-verbal communication is a vital part to successful social interaction. You asked for reasons, I am giving you a possibility.

It's simple really. Humans are motivated by self interest, first and foremost.

Have a personality trait that people like or something that people want and you will have no issues making friends. Don't and people will choose people who have what you don't.

This is especially true for dating or romantic relationships. Love, friendship, charity, or any other of these so called "selfless" things that humans claim to value are little more than self interest in disguise.

All that people care about is themselves so appeal to their self interest and people will shower you with love and affection.

[TishaBuv]

Possible reasons:
1. You don't want to
2. You are offensive and drive friends off
3. You have nothing to offer; glum personality, bad conversationalist, no interests, no fun

So many people on here say they spend all their time alone and never even leave the house. I don't understand how that is even possible. What do you do for money? How do you avoid being with people?

[TerryL]

dear jellyfish18, have you visited the Childhood Emotional Neglect forum here on pc? https://forums.psychcentral.com/chil...ional-neglect/
your parents never showed you love and care so no wonder you don't have a guide as to how to connect positively with others. it makes perfect sense to me. although my case is not as severe as yours, i was emotionally neglected too and used to be so uncomfortable in my own skin and had low self esteem. i never knew how to talk to people face to face. (for some reason i was ok on the phone) but the forum helped to validate my experience and that has changed my life for the better. wishing you the same.

[sticky_boy]

I am an introvert and can't proactively stay in touch with other people. I respond very well to people who talk to me but don't initiate any conversation with others unless it is absolutely required.

Now here is a shocker. I am a sales guy and I am supposed to bring in new business! I am good at reaching out to people when I am wearing my sales hat and win their trust to get a deal. However, once I am back home, I go back into my shell.

I was upset with myself for a long time for my inability to interact with people in my private life. However, off late, have embraced my dual personality. I am now just happy being who I am and not worried about the fact that I don't have friends or people to hang out with. I also put my personal time to good use by reading a lot.

Long story short, you may want to consider embracing who you are.

[UpDownAround]

My biggest problem is that my forward facing persona is a facade. There is a huge stigma with bipolar. Substance abuse can cause problems professionally as well as personally. The few times I have trusted a work colleague I have regretted it ("Off your meds?"). So people get to know me better and find out they don't know me at all. A couple of old true friends have stuck by me and I am making new ones at support group meetings. When they have the same issues I can be open.
My second big problem is that I am not an easy person to like even if you get past the facade. Depending on where i am on the roller coaster, I may be the despondent downer guy or I might be an arrogant jackass. The lamictal is helping me spend more time between the extremes but anyone that spends much time with me will see the other facets of my personality. Also, if I go really deep in the tank I disappear socially for a time.

[divine1966]

Making friends isn't easy. In fact it could be very hard. But I think in your case issue is way deeper. If you are not getting out of bed for two months, then having friends is not the main concern.

[healingme4me]

Whenever I take those myers briggs tests, I typically waffle between extrovert and introvert. That said, I'm a 'listener', so I wind up partaking in various conversations in a room full of people. I have pleasant times and walk away feeling positive and feedback is positive, yet.....yet....deepening the friendships is a rarity. I find that it's human nature to return back to our individual points of origins. Rare is the new made aquaintance one to call and let's go do something. Life gets in the way. Before marriage and children, it was more difficult of a concept for me to grasp and not internalize. Since, I'm content with recognizing that my self worth isn't dependent on whether I've someone to go for coffee with. Perhaps motherhood, for me, negates that once felt ho-hum and loneliness? Another thing is living a relatively sober life adds another dimension to socialization. Relatively for me is typically not accepting that offer for a glass of wine.
That's a piece of such an equation.

I wouldn't, personally, fret over coworkers not adding you to their social clique. That falls into the age old cliche of not mixing business with pleasure. Any friendship worth having is typically forged over time not instantaneous.

[Jellyfish18]

I don't understand. I am full of life but I have no life. Help me understand why I am alone? Why don't people hang out? Where can I even go to meet some young people? There are practically no clubs here ... few places to go ... I don't know. And why do I end up on the periphery even if I hang out?
Clearly I have AN issue.

[divine1966]

Take a class. Any class. Volunteer. Work. Join gym. Start a new hobby. Join local organizations. Book club. Dance class. Join meetup (are there any in your country?) and find your age groups. Etc I think if you have other things in order you might meet more people. If you stay home, you will not meet people.

[TishaBuv]

Friends come from sharing an experience together.

Childhood friends, I met from school or my neighborhood. We hung out. Kids did that. You're right, adults don't really do that much.

Then there came relationships and children. I rarely hung out with friends anymore.

Now I am spending much more time with my old friends from when I was a kid. Since our kids have grown, we reconnected. There is so much comfort with them, because we did just hang out and nothing has changed.

It has been really hard to make new, really good friends, in my adult years.

People get together occasionally for dinner. Maybe you make a friend you like to do some sport with. People become friends for ulterior business reasons. I hated the phoniness and wouldn't play the game.

[TerryL]

as others have posted, making friends, really good friends, is not easy for anyone. just be yourself and keep trying. and be nice to others, you never know what issues or struggles they may be dealing with and they might appreciate some kindness. and who knows where that may lead?

[Jellyfish18]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Making friends isn't easy. In fact it could be very hard. But I think in your case issue is way deeper. If you are not getting out of bed for two months, then having friends is not the main concern.

It goes way deeper? But what would you call it, what is the issue? It feels like I was just put in school to socialise (where it was just "sink or swim") and the rest of the time it didn't matter to anyone if I was isolated or alone.
I have nightmares frequently. I don't know what to do to prevent staying alone. I have difficulty building a relationship with flatmates and feel like I don't know how to be with people. Why do I have difficulty building close relationships?

[Sassandclass]

Originally Posted by Jellyfish18

It goes way deeper? But what would you call it, what is the issue? It feels like I was just put in school to socialise (where it was just "sink or swim") and the rest of the time it didn't matter to anyone if I was isolated or alone.

I have nightmares frequently. I don't know what to do to prevent staying alone. I have difficulty building a relationship with flatmates and feel like I don't know how to be with people. Why do I have difficulty building close relationships?

I believe that building friendships. Weds to be taken less seriously. And I know that's hard to do when you want friends so badly. But if you're being too serious about it, and needy, people will pick up on that and then the friendship starts looking like "work" to them. People don't have more time for work in their life. Especially in a new friendship. So my advice would be to start small. Laugh along with people and just enjoy their company. Don't put too much emphasis on being their forever friend, just enjoy the moment. And that will put people at ease.

[Sassandclass]

*friendship needs to be

I reiterate. Who around you do you admire and why? Is there any aspect of yourself that is similar that you can expand upon and model yourself after? And again, take a look at who you don't care for and consider what about your own characteristics you can omit or change.

I have had great success with volunteering. My support group has been great for socialization too.

I think volunteering & sport were the best things I did for meeting new people, that got me a whole load of acquaintences. Remember not everyone you meet will make the 'deeper' jump from acquaintence into friendship, no reflection on you, just not everyone is meant to be closer friends - that is why friendship connections are special when they happen.

For a long time I personally had a lot of acquantences and no close friends - I used to fret over it, I tried hard to make friendships but looking back they weren't meant to be. If it's meant to happen it will happen, try to relax because putting pressure on yourself can make you feel tense around people which will make things harder.

[TishaBuv]

"It goes way deeper? But what would you call it, what is the issue? It feels like I was just put in school to socialise (where it was just "sink or swim") and the rest of the time it didn't matter to anyone if I was isolated or alone. "

What happened when you were in school? Did you sink or swim? Did you make friends?

You keep saying "it doesn't matter to anyone if you are alone", that's a strange way of thinking about it. No, it generally doesn't matter to anyone if you are alone. It only matters to you. Others are thinking about themselves, just as you are.

How did you come to live with your flat mates? Are they people you would like to be friends with? Are they just people you have a polite acquaintance with in order to share a flat?

What kind of people are you attracted to as friends?

[Jellyfish18]

I know you never heard of this but even if I go, I am just ... there. I don't build a deep friendship. I don't feel a lot better. I talk, it goes nowhere usually, sometimes I can't get to the "enjoyment" part. I may be writing now but I'm cut off and can't talk. I might be stunted or something. I want to talk but I lack the bonding etc. or something. People take it for granted and don't have this problem.
What will I do if I don't find someone who can help me?
The question is how can I find someone who will help me?
Tisha I have superficial relationship with flatmate, right now there is only one. Again he is nice but the conversation is the issue. In school, later especially, I did have someone to "hang out with", it is hard not to but again I was less "involved" and more on the periphery. And it is different when you are a child.
It is like trying to start a car and it doesn't start. It's like you just exist for no reason. Like a ghost. Everyone finds somewhere to belong, even drug addicts and I exist here. It's not healthy to be so alone. Things will be wrong. I have difficulty staying close to any friends, or had. Surely something can be done to fix this? I keep staying alone?

[TishaBuv]

You never had anyone you enjoyed being with?

[healingme4me]

Once the go moment is over, do you follow up with these people? Do you make plans for another time? Do you have interests that you can talk to others about? Do you share laughter? Like of specific foods? Do you send get well messages? Remember birthdays? Building upon these times takes effort. Do you give off a don't want to be here impression? Or do you show sincere interest?

Are you over thinking this?

[Jellyfish18]

I do follow up but sometimes I am not "feeling it" and do it out of duty. Often the other person talks more and I just state the "general things" when I talk. Sometimes we meet, I could just be quiet and be pleased they are there with me even though silent, but you have to talk and I must force myself to talk. I feel anxiety when not talking (when I feel alone), worried when talking because it's like I'm cut off and must actively try to make a connection, anxious when I'm eating, about anything I do if I'm doing it right, worried when I'm walking, etc. etc. I even worry about sleeping because it's a nightmare that I'm so disconnected. And I never get to "closeness" with someone. If at least I knew what the issue is. If somebody said "you're a nasty person" at least I would know what to fix.
I might have interests. As said I was left on my own mostly and I did whatever I did, no questions, few ideas ... I was not treated with any empathy either, just forced and inappropriate "kindness" (like saying "it will be ok" when I feel awful instead of worrying, asking why or even doing anything about it). And just being treated like an autist and like it's normal.
I am thinking about it a lot but it is because it is an issue.
And yes ... it does not help that I do NOT know what to do in my free time???
Sometimes I pray it would end.

[Jellyfish18]

Still no one really said what are possible reasons someone would have no friends. What kind of deficits might you have?