[Venefica]

Hello, i have a question regarding ptsd. I have what is considered the "complex" variety, stemming from a long and extremely painful history of childhood and adult domestic abuse.

My partner now, while ordinarily kind and loving, is not very understanding or supportive of my struggles and can be downright antagonistic and cruel in the event of stressors and subsequent meltdowns. I understand that his mother suffers from similar problems, and that the family attitude towards her is not very compassionate, so I at least can see where his coldness originates from. That doesnt excuse it, of course, even if it does shed a bit of light on what i consider to be a peculiar way of thinking.

But that doesnt help with my problems whatsoever. He doesnt seem to be able to grasp that it is unreasonable to expose a ptsd sufferer to extreme, very specific known triggers and then expect them not to react. He has ridiculed and criticized my vulnerability to certain phrases and situations the entire length of our relationship, and even goes out of his way to expose me to them when i am already stressed and we are arguing.

I love him very much and know that he is a generally good person, so this deviance from that is extremely troubling to me, and has nearly caused a permanent breakup more than once. He seems far more focused on proving that my behaviors are, in fact, voluntary, and that I could simply "get over it" if I really wanted to, than he is on providing even a hint of support. He believes that I am choosing to react the ways that i do, rather than suffering from an illness that I have little control over and experience extreme pain from.

Ive explained to him countless times that ptsd is very real, and because mine relates to interpersonal relationships and primary figures in my life, it is crucial that i feel safe with a partner, no matter what, and that it is imperative that my boundaries be respected. Also, Ive explained that it is necessary for me to re-experience certain interactions with positive experiences and outcomes this time around, as a means of recovery, whenever possible.

Small successes in respect help me tremendously, such as a friend or partner remembering to call me if they are going to be late coming home, when ordinarily they couldnt be bothered to let me know, and i would spend the night worrying about them instead. Things like that, and respecting my emotional and physical boundaries...most of which ought to be observed without having to be an issue, are what I would consider the inherent responsibilities of my partner.

While i would not say that violence is per se a major problem for us, we live in Appalachia where it is still woefully culturally acceptable to use mild force against a woman if she disobeys or wont shut up when told to. My partner is not a violent man ordinarily, but I cannot make him understand that a shove or slap, something that wouldnt be a big deal to most people around here, is absolutely soul-crushing and damaging to me well beyond the physical harm aspect of it.

Overall, I suppose that what I need is some kind of validation and confirmation of what I already know, and what he needs to accept regarding the involuntary nature of flashbacks, and the fact that it is unreasonable to expect me to be able to control my reaction to triggers and provocation. As well, he needs to understand that I handle stress differently than he does, and that it affects me very strongly for reasons that excede simple weakness or faulty willpower. And that it has a cumulative effect, making it difficult for me to function some days and to be very disorganized and irritable. To me, it is cruel to even doubt the pain of someone else, and I find myself weary from trying to convince him and others that I am not short tempered because I enjoy it, and do not have difficulty leaving the house because its preferable to be a shut-in. I need for him to understand that I cannot be exposed to any form of violence, either, and that if I am, or if triggers are used to upset me during an argument, then I am going to, rightfully, be a figurative basket case.

I am presently trying to find a good therapist to see locally, (I had a good psychiatrist in my last town, a few years ago), but need some help making him understand these few simple things in the meantime, before I lose my mind, honestly, because it is bothering me tremendously. I understand that support and validation are very important to recovery from this, and that it is as real as any other life-threatening illness...and wish that he could see that, as well. Getting professional help is a fine thing, but at the end of the day, i feel that i cannot remain exposed to the the very causes of this awful burden and ever hope to make any kind of recovery. Im not crazy for thinking this, am I? Or lazy, or irresponsible, or hysterical?! Thanks to all for reading...

Hi Venefica. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't respect you or your illness. No, I don't see any of what you wrote as crazy or hysterical or lazy. I hear someone who loves her boyfriend. A lot. And who is aware of the pain he is causing her. And who also wants to work with him to make things better. But needs validation. It sounds like you desperately want to see and DO see goodness in him despite his cruelty towards you. It sounds like he doesn't always treat you terribly. Does he want to work with you too? It sounds like, from what you wrote, that he doesn't care (though, I think you said he doesn't understand).

This could be a deal breaker for a lot of people. It sounds like he is triggering you and hiding behind the "but I don't get it, it's not real, you're lying" story. Whether his perspective is valid or not, whether he understands or not (it sounds like he doesnt) he is causing you pain. I don't really know if you can change a person, or get them to see the light. Though it sounds like you've tried, and it hasn't worked.

While my gut reaction while reading your post was "what a prick, she should dump him," I don't want to tell you what to do. Maybe go to couples therapy. and know that you always have the option of taking time away from him if you need to. How long have you been together?

[Bill3]

He has ridiculed and criticized my vulnerability to certain phrases and situations the entire length of our relationship, and even goes out of his way to expose me to them when i am already stressed and we are arguing.

I found this passage to be immensely troubling.

You said that he is a good person: What good do you find in him?

What do you love about him?

[Crazy Hitch]

I don't have much to go on in terms of what caused your PTSD and what your triggers are?

Sometimes people get triggered unintentionally and I'm trying to get a better perspective on your situation.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. His treatment of you is cruel and abusive. I know you love him. Having said that, you deserve a partner who will be more supportive. You deserve better. If he just didn't understand that would be difficult. He's going beyond that though and actively causing you distress. I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace and healing.

[Venefica]

Goodness in him...? Well, he's always seemed to be an upstanding person. He stops to help anyone broken down beside the road, offers a ride to anyone walking. He goes well out of his way to help his friends or really anyone who needs anything. He's very well-loved and known for his selflessness towards anyone in need. And that's what's killing me, quite honestly; the discrepancy between what a stranger with a flat tire can get from this man, and what his partner can elicit from him...

There's no denying that he has covert narcissistic traits, which took me a loooong time to ferret out. That totally blindsided me, after leaving an overtly abusive partner who could well be the poster child for the more openly ME ME ME type, (and being raised by one somewhere in the middle). I thought that I could spot one at 1000 yards. I suspect that his acts of humanity and charity have a lot to do with personal validation and to reassure him that he's a good person. But isn't all altruism arguably selfish in nature, when we do it because it's what good people do, when we desire to be good people? aAnd none of that requires any intimacy or respect for women, both of which seem to trouble him on some level. This is all something of a recent revelation for me, and I suspect that I have been denying his abusive tendencies out of being rather loathe to admit that I'd fallen for this kind of crap...again. He seemed like the polar opposite, but I suppose that they always do.

Besides being totally unable to accept any form of criticism tho, he isn't really narcissistic at all. But that is, of course, a rather glaring fault. And the inability to feel any compassion for me and my problems goes right along with it, in the event that some blame or whatever sort should fall on him in the course of an argument...

This latest round was over the fact that it hurts my feelings that he is never concerned about me being hurt or wronged by any 3rd party, specifically his uncle making way too many unwelcome sexual advances towards me. That, of course, led as always to him snidely telling me to "lower my voice", in spite of the fact that he is well aware that any reference to vocal volume during a dispute immediately reverts me, emotionally, straight back to the torturous place I was once forced to occupy as an abused child. Specifically, 10 years old, and told not to scream as I was hung out a window by my hair. Well, that was clearly a loaded set of dice, as anyone with half a brain is going to find that rather terrifying, with only the integrity of one's pelt and scalp standing between them and a 25 ft drop to pavement. The inevitable screaming led to the neighbors glancing up towards the house, so I was angrily hauled back in, none too gently, and several of my fingers were slammed in a dresser drawer as punishment for that. I managed to get away and got hold of the telephone, and tried frantically to dial for help, but it was ripped away and broken on the side of my face. My mother had gotten in her car and driven away as soon as my door had been knocked off the hinges, because she wasn't very keen on hearing me scream, either, and preferred to remain ignorant of such things. That way she could tell herself that I had somehow provoked it. That was my stepfather, and he himself endured a horrifically abusive childhood of abject poverty and violence in immediate post-war France. My mother practically had a white picket fence in front of her childhood, in spite of her mother being seriously ill at times, and had to know that it was wrong. I've had some half-assed apologies over the years, but it still hurts. And nothing pisses me hell off and makes me have an absolute full-scale meltdown like those ******* words. And my partner knows all of this.

And yet he pretends that it is totally necessary to say them to me if he's losing in an argument, or can't find a way to weasel out of a valid point I've made, or find a suitable answer to a difficult question. It's a low blow, a cheap shot, and nothing else. He will defend his need to say that until he is blue in the face, despite admitting that it has the opposite effect on me. Anyone who knows me knows this. The only other person who had "trouble remembering" not to do this was my very abusive ex. I can't make my current partner understand how utterly crippling it is to have this done to me over and over. It's not the kind of thing that just goes away as soon as the fight is over...

I suppose what I'm getting at is...am I unreasonable or too demanding to expect him or anyone else to tiptoe around my problems with this? Am I being selfish and demanding and difficult by asking for this to be observed and respected? I don't see how anyone could recover from anything like this when it's being force-fed to them constantly, and it seems as well that if it were actually unintentional, it would be followed by immediate remorse, comfort, and apology, right?

Thanks for answers so far...I appreciate everyone's kindness!

[Venefica]

Just to clarify, also, and to be fair, at these times when I'm triggered, I'm a Royal *****. A galloping, swearing, caustic nightmare to be around...post-trigger, of course. Prior to that, it depends, but I'm not an unreasonable person until all hell breaks loose. And at this point, that particular trigger has attained a dual significance, because it has been used so many times against me intentionally. Now it carries the memories and staggering weight of helplessness, abandonment, pain, shame, and grief of both an abused child AND an adult who has been stupid enough to try to love and trust the wrong people, ones who are low enough to exploit something that purely awful.

I just can't wrap my head around someone who is ordinarily kind and decent in nearly all things being so willing to make me feel that way. Except, of course, for his narcissistic inability to accept criticism, and to provoke me like that invites a whole barrage of it, and then neatly leaves him feeling vindicated for his misdeeds. He is prone to justifying his actions by my poor reactions to them, which is obviously backwards as can be, but a pretty classically narcissistic tendency.

That, of course, does not excuse it, and it's probably overtly abusive to do this to anyone, but I can't help but think that he just doesn't understand how awful it is because he has nothing to go on in terms of personal experience. He's never had anything life-alteringly bad happen to him. He grew up poor, but not in such a way that differed terribly from his peers, apart from having a disabled brother. He's never had to fear his parents, never had to physically fear much of anything or anyone. He's never been abandoned by anyone he needed, never been left on his own for any length of time, never been without somewhere to stay, never had to alter his actions or words because to not do so would result in serious harm, he's never been without any say in what happened to his own body, never felt like he wasn't in control of himself in any sense. In spite of having to struggle financially growing up, he had a pretty good life as a kid, close family, lots of support, and so on. Nothing really outstandingly bad that could be considered aberrant from a relatively normal childhood. So I do get that he doesn't have much to draw on in terms of sympathy, because he just doesn't "get it".

And the weird attitude towards mental illness is both a cultural shortcoming and a family habit. His father seems, at times, cold and condescending towards his mother, and he strives to be like his father in all things. He's otherwise a fine man, one whom I like very much and respect tremendously. But there's just something lacking in terms of compassion and respect towards women. His father has never shown me any disrespect personally, (we actually have a very pleasant, if superficial friendship), but I get the feeling that he is somewhat dismissive of his wife's struggles, and somehow has no desire to comfort her or help make her better. I don't think he really knows how to, honestly, because his own father died when he was just 13, and he had to become the man of the house. So you've got an emotional adolescent having raised another one, my partner, who is now saddled with the very same kind of problems that he saw his father wrestling with and eventually feeling contemptuous of, because he was poorly equipped to deal with them, and that didn't suit his touchy pride. And the mother has been swept aside to deal with her grief and depression alone, and the whole family acts as if she could control her sort of schizo-ish symptoms if she wanted to; they seem to think that she is choosing to behave strangely for attention. She's definitely difficult and not overly pleasant at times, but I'm not sure how anyone thinks that mental ILLNESS is supposed to manifest, exactly...last I checked, illness is not a term that denotes personal improvement. So, that's where he's coming from, and isnt very willing to understand any sort of different perspective. You'd think, at least, he'd try to prevent the sort of suffering he has seen caused by his father's neglect, but he seems more determined to be just like him than anything.

Any thoughts on how to convince him of the validity of my illness would be greatly appreciated, along with any thoughts on how to get him to see how important support and love are for someone like me...apparently having told him over and over and over is becoming quite counterproductive.