How come an abuser seems so nice, so lovable?

This can be a husband, a friend, a wife, a parent, just plainly anybody who abuse another person. How come they can hide it so well in the eyes of others?

[eskielover]

I see is as kinda like fly paper, or sugar water attracting bees. They have made their personalities so nice to attract the people & then they turn around & hurt them for what ever reason they seem to have.....sometimes they may not even know that this is what they are doing....others....(in my opinion), know exactly what they are planning all along.

It 's just like scam artists too, they have to attract their victims & they sure wouldn't be able to if they didn't make themselves look so good.

This might be part of the answer,
Debbie

Thank you for replying (((((((( eskielover ))))))))

I think you surely have a good part of the answer.

Yes,,, I think that if a person were to be abusive right away.. then we would steer clear,,, by being nice they have learned to attract you.. and then they turn abusive...

[__zh]

abusers learn their behaviour from the abuse they themselves endured. that's a generalization but tends to hold true for many.

some abusers aren't aware their behaviour constitutes abuse...they know no other way of being. these ppl usually aren't receptive to therapy as in their mind they can do no wrong and nothing is wrong w/ how they are. to them all problems are w/ others and not themselves.

the best thing we've learned about abusers over the years is to get out and away from under their control whenever possible.

align yourself w/ other survivors who have done their work and are now in the position to assist ppl in need of help getting away from an abusive situation.

reach out to those who have escaped and found other ways of moving through this world minus the abusers they used to suffer at the hands of.

there is hope. taking action can be scary when an abuser threatens consequences for leaving. many ppl have been there before. when one is ready to leave there are ways, there is help, it CAN be done.

Yes dear ((((((((((Freewill)))))))))))) You are right.

Thank you!

" some abusers aren't aware their behaviour constitutes abuse...they know no other way of being. these ppl usually aren't receptive to therapy as in their mind they can do no wrong and nothing is wrong w/ how they are. to them all problems are w/ others and not themselves."

You just described one of my abuser.

To understand is already a step in the right direction. Thank you so much! (((((((((((zh))))))))))

[withit]

So if I question whether one is an abuser or not...and find out that person is in therapy working hard on improving....then this doesn't fit the definition above, which states that an abuser usually isn't receptive to therapy and to them all probs are with others and not themselves.

And it is so sad when you finally try to tell people that you are being abused and these people don't believe you because the abuser seems to be so charming and harmless.

You only find yourself even more alone, even more sad, even more hurt, even more hopeless.