So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

My girlfriend lied to me a few weeks back maintaining no-contact with her abusive narcissistic ex, during a moment of loneliness. We sort of got through that but things still didn't seem right with her so I did a little snooping and stumbled upon a handwritten document from two years ago about her soliciting a penis pic from a stranger on a dating site. Okay, there's that in the past. But in the present, she wrote me a long explanatory text that just does not jibe with what she wrote in the past. Below is the back and forth. I'm less concerned about the dic pick (although it never occurred to me that she would do such a thing) as I am with the possibility that she is lying to me in here and now.

And can we please keep the morality of snooping to a minimum? I had suspicions about something else and found this instead My bad. But there it was.

She was on a train texting with a dating-site stranger who said he had a 10" penis and writing notes about what was going on. She's 30 years older than he is. Here is what she wrote on her pad:

"So now the 29 year old wants me to send him some naughty photos. 'No, you idiot, I'm on the freaking train.' So I asked him for one. He said he needed something to make his package reveal itself to its full 10” height. What the hell am I doing? He's totally preoccupied with the size of my breasts and he's not shy about letting me know. There's something a little hinky about this whole thing. I'll have to ask him a lot more questions. At least he's responsive, if sex directed.

"Okay, so he just sent me a text which I opened in public, on the train, of his enormous schwanz. Now I don't know what to do. I want to look again, but a boy is looking over my shoulder. Holy cow. My lips are burning.”

A few days later, she wrote: "So Mr Dic Pic dropped off the face of the planet after I sent him a photo of me in my bathing suit. Nothing too revealing but certainly boobiful. Probably boinking another conquest. So very strange.,,..."

So, after seeing this, I said to her, "Really? You did this?"

She said she'd write me a text about what *really* happened. Here's what she wrote:

"That person wanted a photo from me (not what you think) and naive me, I thought by asking him for a photo first I was somehow safeguarding I don't know what. I was new to the whole online dating thing, and I got scared and deactivated my account shortly thereafter. I asked for a picture because he asked me for a photo and I didn’t believe he was going to send one…I thought it was some kind of game. Yes, I was naïve, I was an idiot. I didn’t even know it was called a **** pic. Again, I thought it was a game, and I was really wrong about that. I wish it had never happened, but it did. I made a mistake. I didn’t know what I was doing. Perhaps I was in a fugue state of my own…how am I supposed to know? What I can tell you is that it never happened again. And then he started stalking me." Regarding her getting turned on by the photo: "As I told you I described a physiological response. I’d never seen anything like it.”

Leaving aside the matter of asking for the dic pic itself, what bothers me most is her response to me. It strikes me as a pack of fabrications.

First of all, she's a woman in her 50s who has seen a lot in her life. Naive 22-year-old she is not.

Also, the writing on the train reveals a women who may be confused by what she's doing but definitely knows *exactly* what she is up to when she solicits that dic pic and her response to it seals the deal. There is nothing in there that paints her as a naive or an innocent bumpkin or someone who thought she was engaged in a game.

And then, after receiving that pic, she waited a few days, then sent him one of her own, not naked, but clearly designed to keep him interested. So she had time to think about the 10" penis and then decided to respond, to continue the exchange -- not exactly the response of a naive and or/horrified person. I guess he dropped off the scene at that time but he came back a while later and who knows what happened then. At some point, however, he became a stalker.

As to the “fugue” state possibility, that just strikes me as bizarre.

When we first started going out, she mentioned she had a stalker and led me to believe it was her rotten X from right before me. Turns out it was this 29 year old, still after her two years after the train ride.

Anyway, if you read the train-ride writing, then her own explanation to me, do you buy her explanation or not? I'm in love with this woman-- Oh, lord -- and I've spent a good amount of time looking for any excuse I can to believe her explanation to me, but I can't. I just don't buy it. But maybe I'm in the wrong here just as I'm in the wrong for snooping (although I do feel my reason with justified).

"But in the present, she wrote me a long explanatory text that just does not jibe with what she wrote in the past."

Why did she do this? Is she going into this much depth because you demanded it? A Youtube video I saw said liars tend to explain things away with more details but perhaps you are intensively interrogating her--that might cause that reaction too. Her explanation seems weird but perhaps she is trying to tell you what she thinks would satisfy you? It is such a bad lie that I can't tell if she is hiding something important. Either she is true to you now or not. That is the only question you need to figure out. To bad you looked. Not being judgemental but sometimes it's best not to know/share nor was it wise for her to go in depth in her explanation....

Hello. Welcome to PC. I think you are right. Something is hinky about this whole situation. Good luck sorting it out. IMHO, she's being less then truthful with you. I don't know what to tell you about proceeding though. Best wishes.

Im sorry i looked, too, because i may have put her in a position where she felt like she had no choice but to lie. But if lying is one of her go-to escape routes, i guess that's a good thing for me to know.

Hinky is right. I mean, in her train writing, there seems to be a question in her mind about whether something was hinky in what was going on. Duh. Of course, the whole thing was hinky. I find it somewhat odd and weird that she kind of posed it as a questions, like maybe after asking big dic guy more questions, she wouldn't think it hinky at all.

Just think how much happier you would have been if you hadn't gone snooping in the first place.
If you had suspicions you ask!!
Then you either believe it! And never mention it again.
Or you decide she is lying and you walk!

You don't get to to use it as a shytty stick to beat her with over your own insecurities.
Which you obviously have, otherwise you wouldn't be going through her stuff.
You should be looking at yourself a little harder and at her past personal business a little less, which technically has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nor does the reason she did it.
It's actually non of your concern.

If I was her you'd be dropped like a hot rock, so I would consider yourself lucky and move e on.
But then that just my opinion.

She had exchanges of pics two years ago? Before you two met?

Then who cares. It's a silly thing to do but not something to be mad about two years later. What I did find weird is why was she writing notes about it. But people do strange things.

I am with a previous poster. I would dump you.

She sounds like she was having fun flirting with an internet stranger, he sent her a d*ck pic. Maybe he was Anthony Weiner, lol! She was having fun and being silly. Then she took it farther with the photo of her, still just flirting and having fun. The end of the story was he ended up a "stalker".

It does sound like she's backtracking and making the whole thing sound more innocent than it was. Eh, that's what people do when they are embarrassed and get caught.

Was what she did so bad? This was before you, she was single, being silly, got herself a 'stalker', not using very good judgment.

The fact that some guy sent a d*ck pic while she was flirting is so meaningless. Is that what you are mostly upset about? That's so trivial.

But the fact that she got herself into a situation with a stalker is concerning. Does she have good judgment?

You should be more supportive to her from this situation, if you truly love her. Does she still fear this guy? Is he a threat? What happened to her?

You shouldn't have snooped. You are no prize, either, being a snoop who she can't trust. You both did risky things.

But since you did find out about this stalker. I think you should discuss that with care and understanding. That will form a closer bond between you and strengthen your relationship.

Just a side note, your snooping wasn't justified. You prove this by admitting you didn't find what you were looking for.

She sounds like a confused women who was looking for validation from a stranger. Dic pics aren't as enticing to most women as many men think they are.....I'm surprised she had that reaction to it. She might be lying or maybe not. You know her better than any of us. If you are suspicious and think she's lying, that alone tells me all is not as it should be in the relationship.

Oh, believe me, I know I'm no prize.

Yes, I agree with most of what you say. But it's not the so-called flirting that bothers me so much as her backtracking and giving me an explanation that is so at variance from what she originally wrote.

No, she does not have good judgment, as witness her choice of me as a bf; plus, her previous boyfriend was a nasty abusive narcissist who is a registered sex offender and convinced her that he was set up and not guilty, that if he was guilty of anything it was statutory rape.

No, she no longer fears that other guy as a stalker or at least to the best of my knowledge. She has a lot of secrets, this guy being one of them, and she tends to never talk about them, because, of course, if she did, they'd no longer be secrets.

Beyond what's been said, she won't talk about it. Plus, it wouldn't make any difference: she's staked out her position as a naive innocent who thought she was playing a game and she won't budge on it, no matter how ludicrous it seems to me.

Guess neither of us are really prizes.

So, if I had found what I was looking for, I would have been justified? Maybe I should have looked harder. Anyway, no, what I did was wrong. I do know that. But I can't change that now. All I can do is try to deal with what I've done.

Yes, I know dic pics aren't enticing to most women, and I was surprised that she found it such a turn on. Seems very out of character, from what I know of her. But, you learn something new every day, for better or worse.

Most of my friends, as well as my therapist, tell me to break up with her, that, everything aside, she is just not the right sort of person for me. For a lot of guys, yes, maybe most guys, yes, but not me in particular. Easy to say, difficult for me to do what I think I need to do.

Of course she is reluctant to speak in all candor about something that embarrasses her. Just like you are reluctant to speak in all candor about the snooping.

actually, i haven't been reluctant at all. i am pretty candid when it comes to my own flaws and errors.

"And can we please keep the morality of snooping to a minimum?"

People don't generally snoop...UNLESS there is a reason to snoop. Like you said there was another reason you were doing this.

I will say THIS about her "story"..you know its off...I know it is off..I haven't read replies yet..but I'm sure everyone knows this is off.

I just skimmed your post again really quickly...and the first thing I saw was...she said no...you idiot...I'm on the train...SHE DIDNT SAY...No, you fool...I would never do that.

The details you don't need to know...anymore...you know enough...she is lying..and might be the one who started the post why can't I just date one man? There are women like that...I have felt like that in my lifetime.

Its very HARD to walk away someone you love, once loved or even just care about..VERY HARD.

People make mistakes..but what is good for a relationship is owning up to them...expecially when caught.

I don't know how old you are. I am 53. I left someone a day or 2 ago (don't remember its very painful) after 3-4 yrs, because once again I was lied to...again..

I may live about 15 more years..and I don't want to waste my time on someone who doesn't care about me enough to "do the right things" for "our" relationship "always".

Again I don't know how old you are...but anyone here can die at anytime regarless of age....but I really want someone that I know loves me deeply, won't lie to me...and that I can trust with my life.

You should want that kind of relationship for yourself too...it took advancing in age to make me take less crap in relationships...

If you love and care about this woman and want it to work really bad...sit her down..tell her gently you know she is lying and she can feel safe to tell you the truth and that you won't flip out or attack her (if that is TRUE). Give her one more chance to tell the truth.

If she doesn't...tell the truth (the story will make sense if she is honest)...there will me no hesitation...there will be tears..there will be trust in you enough to open up to you....

I can imagine the story like this...I was bored on the train...checked dating site...got carried away with what was happening.didn't know how to stop it...maybe felt slutty but excited at the same time...she knew nothing was going to happen "on the train right at that moment" and she was STUPID..

That would be close to the truth I think.

If she doesn't come clean...cause she is "lying"....than please think about the type of person you want to spend your life and time with...and put whatever plan that is into action....

i really don't think what you did was wrong....I was told by a psychiatrist...that...relationships..especially ones that have had questionable issues....should be an OPEN book.

There should be no issues with either of you looking at each others phones...there should be no issues with each of you knowing what the other is doing....etc...to rebuild trust..once it is rebuilt there may be no urges to look at each others stuff....just a gentle understanding that you are safe.

When I moved in with my husband, who was then my bf, I admit I snooped through his stuff. I found a box with love letters and photos from gf's. I found items left by old gf's. I made sure I put everything back exactly how I found it and didn't mention that I snooped. I didn't find anything terrible. I'm not sure what I was looking for. I was just curious about who I was committing to.

I confessed it to him later on. He didn't mind at all.

I think you have had many concerns about this woman and you are ready to put on the brakes anyway. Her sticking to her cover up story, which is obviously the edited version of the truth does show a lack of trust for you. I agree with the above poster. What's the big awful deal that she once had a spicy exchange? It's not the worst thing. Maybe you are acting like it is too terrible and that is why she is sticking to the innocent story.

Total honesty in a relationship is absolutely b.S.

So is the rubbish spouted about being an open book.
There are plenty of things I did as a teenager and in my early 20's that have no relevance to who I am now I am in my 40's.
Things that won't benefit my partner by knowing.
If my fella comes to me with a new hair cut and it looks like shyt, do I say that?
Of course not, I lie and say it doesn't suit him as much as the previous do.

Absolute candor in a relationship is the quickest way to take the shine off.

Why do people even ask about past exploits if they are just gonna get bent out of shape about the answer.

And no snooping is never justifiable, if you can't believe your partner just by asking you have no business being in a relationship.

Because that's about you not her, and another thing you T has no business telling you to end a relationship, that's not their job. And it's sounds like a very questionable relationship if they are stepping over those boundaries..

Erebos...I bet if a poll was started here on who snoops and who doesn't you would be in the minority...we are all not blessed with a relationship without possible infidelity problems....the people that would vote not to snoop...in my opinion would be the people that haven't experienced infidelity in their relationships.

When my h and I got together, neither of us talk about our past relationships. It was later, when we started having problems, I opened up about my past as it was relevant to my issues, and so did he. I don't know if it helped or hurt and I wish I hadn't tarnished our relationship by being so transparent, honestly.

I always trusted his fidelity and didn't snoop about that. But, if I had suspicions, sure I would ask him, but I'm sure he would lie, as all cheaters do, and you bet I would snoop. Then, if I felt really insecure and sure he was cheating, I would deal with it and most likely leave him. What's the difference between snooping and investigating? You need to protect yourself.

[QUOTE=Misssy2;5771426]People don't generally snoop...UNLESS there is a reason to snoop. Like you said there was another reason you were doing this.

I will say THIS about her "story"..you know its off...I know it is off..I haven't read replies yet..but I'm sure everyone knows this is off.

Some do, some don't, not really, but to me it is without question

I just skimmed your post again really quickly...and the first thing I saw was...she said no...you idiot...I'm on the train...SHE DIDNT SAY...No, you fool...I would never do that.

[I] When I read this, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess I was in denial about it. I'd seen that line, thought something was amiss but breezed by it. Turns out, it's the most important line in everything she wrote, and as you say below, you don't need to read anymore to know she's tells lies.[/I]

The details you don't need to know...anymore...you know enough...she is lying..and might be the one who started the post why can't I just date one man? There are women like that...I have felt like that in my lifetime.

Its very HARD to walk away someone you love, once loved or even just care about..VERY HARD.

This so true. I know she's a liar and we're on a four day mini vacation and having just the best time. She's so great in so many ways and accepts and loves me just as i am (which is, btw, pretty ****ed up) but the lying business I just can't live with. No matter how great she is for me in so many ways, no matter how much I love her, no matter how much she loves me, if I can't trust her, then that's that. Right now, we're doing a long distance relationship and meeting once every month or two. That's hard enough without trust being a issue, because she leads a life (musician in a band, an outrageous provocative dresser, flashy as they come) that is super conducive to temptations of all kinds.

Thanks for singling that line out. I think.

People make mistakes..but what is good for a relationship is owning up to them...expecially when caught.

She will not own up. She has a problem with appearing guilty of anything much less this kind of mess. She has a driven need to appear innocent, no matter what. She's done this kind of thing once before. Fool me once ...

I don't know how old you are. I am 53. I left someone a day or 2 ago (don't remember its very painful) after 3-4 yrs, because once again I was lied to...again..

We are both older than you are. I suspect that she thinks I'm the One for her, the one who will take care of her the rest of her life and there shall be no other. I feel close to that, too, but not so strongly, if only because there are other things about her that are not good for me.

If you love and care about this woman and want it to work really bad...sit her down..tell her gently you know she is lying and she can feel safe to tell you the truth and that you won't flip out or attack her (if that is TRUE). Give her one more chance to tell the truth.

If she doesn't...tell the truth (the story will make sense if she is honest)...there will me no hesitation...there will be tears..there will be trust in you enough to open up to you....

Even if she tells the truth, I don't know if I'll be able to get over it.

Refusing to fess up to the truth is something I'd have a big issue with, too. Especially over something as trivial as a di*k pic on a train (from a woman over 50) that's even more strange. Extreme provocative dresser over 50... well, if you got it, flaunt it, but it's also a sign that she's a big flirt.

It sounds like failing to accurately report each embarrassing detail about something that she did two years ago, before she knew you, constitutes a deal-breaking lie for you.