It's Falling Apart

If I found myself alone, I'm sure I would deal with it, I think... I would get myself somewhere to live. I would be very, very careful with money because i would only have myself to depend on for support. I never supported myself!

I'm sure I would make friends and maybe even find another man. But, not if I am still traumatized over sex. Then I'll never do it again! But, friends are a blessing.

I'd get a dog.

Do you have close friends? Or have you seen any ads looking for a roommate?

Starting DBT and finding a room mate may be a solution.

we are ALL strong enough to be on our own but if we dont feelvthatvway emotionally we have to get to the point where the cost of stating outweighs the costvof leaving....& that is a personal mental place that has to be arrived at to take the step away on a PERMANENT basis.

Well said!!! Very wise words.

I live in total insecure state of fight or flight. WTH? I need to get off this crazy ride!

Instead of just accepting my h is dull and has no 'throw down', I let it trigger me to this point.

My body is constantly flooded with adrenaline.

I would like to be safe and secure somewhere, where I can just relax and stop worrying all the time.

I'm ok sleeping in the other bedroom for now. I had a nice, normal evening with my h and son last night.

Now, you wouldn't believe what I have to do because of my job. Another ridiculously stressful situation. It'll be alright. I'm quite good at it when it's other people's problems.

Thank you all for being there and your wise words! Truly, love, from me.

The adrenaline has to be you reliving the emotions of a past traumatic experience. It is hard to do the work you need because of your obligations but you need to figure out what you are thinking about right before the adrenaline hits. Since your H triggers you, either he has traumatized you or he reminds you of a past traumatic experience. I hope you can figure this out. I think you can. Just keep safe until you do. Hugs

One of the posted side effects of Lyrica is "excessive happiness" if that were true I'd say well bring it on. It could be numbing your sadness, or you could be overwhelmed beyond the point of crying.

I am pretty sure you'd get spousal support. My husband's ex never worked except odd part time jobs, he pays ton of alimony and he doesn't even make a ton. I am sure you'd get something. I wouldn't advice to rely just on that though. My husband's ex still doesn't want to work, so not sure how she'll manage when alimony will be over (but won't be our problem).

We had someone posting here who was getting alimony for I think 15 years and relied on it, but then 15 years later she realized she has no job experience and is quite older. So even if you get alimony, find ways to support yourself.

I learned my shrewish behavior from my mother, who learned it from her mother.

I am thinking my h is a POS or an idiot, then I turn it on myself to tell myself that I am all those things and that is why God gave me my h. Beat head, rinse, repeat.

I'd love me some excessive happiness!

IDK if the meds I'm taking are playing a role in my personality and emotions.

I think medications effect our emotions but not our personality. Your H is also effecting your emotions. I have a lot of experience with both of these things.

My house is piled high with cardboard boxes from excess stuff we have hoarded. I am even more nervous from having roaches. The exterminator said it is from the boxes. I am thinking about throwing everything out onto the lawn!

He's been selling off things on ebay. He got $65 for one of his old toys! So, let's say the contents of the boxes are worth a few thousand $. It would still feel good to throw them all out onto the lawn though.

I would post a photo of what the office looks like and you would all cringe. Or my dining room, piled high with crap.

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, is next week. It makes me feel too upset to even go through that service, so I'm not going.

One line says, 'who will be calm and who will be shaken by the slightest breeze'... yes, I am shaken. I have been too shaken for too long.

I want to be calm and carry on.

I will do nothing and let nothing shake me.

It's not falling apart.

There is no such thing as it being together.

We went to the new T's yesterday. They had a sign in the room, "Don't believe everything you think"

Yep, everything I know is wrong.

Don't believe everything you think is good advice. But that doesn't mean everything you think is wrong either. You are in a difficult situation. Roaches make my skin crawl. I'd be throwing boxes out the door. I say let him sell his stuff from out there. Throw a tarp on it.

My parents have clutter. I can't stand it. It's very trigering for me. Actually reading about it made want to purge my closet.

Our house could use plenty of improvements! I do not vacuum as often as I should (I vow to do that today instead of spending so much time here). It has the original (was built in the 70s) kitchen cabinets, etc. My sweet dog is getting old and threw up three times yesterday on the carpet! I would love to ditch the carpet because it cannot be cleaned well in these situations. But it is functional and paid off. Many people in this world would love to have a paid off house even if it isn't that fancy. Glass half full--not empty....

Lol, I got you all to clean.

H went out and rented a storage unit, and we are taking the stuff there until we can figure out how to get rid of it. That's a big relief for me.

I'm feeling a little better today. We are going to work with these new therapists.

My mood swings are so volatile. I just give myself a time out and go to bed now. I'm reduced to toddler level.

One thing is for sure, my h loves me, is patient and committed. He may have flaws that drive me out of my mind, but I have to give him great respect for his dedication.