Sadness over not being married.. how do I get over this?

So I am almost 47 and have never been married. I was recently engaged, but broke off the engagement a month ago. We're still together and are talking every day and there may still be hope for us, but a lot needs to happen in order for me to be engaged to him again.

In the meantime, one of my old college friends just got married, and honestly, it made me very upset. Though I am still happy for her, I thought she would remain single for a long time, right beside me. And I feel like I've missed the boat, wasting my time with awful men who are not worthy of my time or heart.

And now I'm much older, and I'm just getting sad over this reality that I am not yet married, something I have wanted badly for years now. I have a full life and have a lot of fun and plenty of friends, but I feel like I am missing out on something important in life......

I have several single friends still, and that's comforting at least, but when I see all my married friends with their families and settled lives on Facebook, I get a little envious. I never wanted kids per se, but it still just hurts to see. I know.. just stay away from Facebook, but I stay connected to my distant friends this way.

Any advice on how to get past this issue? Thanks so much!

I'm sorry you are sad about this. You may have "wasted" your time with bad relationships, but there is no way to know that for sure. Don't beat yourself up about it. There are many women who are single for many different reasons.

Marriage and children can be joyous, but can also be a living nightmare. My daughter is 45 years old and for her entire life since her teens has been a hell of alcoholism, drug abuse, jail time, mental hospitals, violent relationships, etc. I don't honestly know if i had it to do over if I would have her.

If seeing your friends who are married on Facebook makes you sad, you can unfollow them. You don't have to unfriend them. That way you don't see their posts everyday, but can still check in on them when you want to.

Children are a mixed blessing. You never know what you will get. When one door closes, another opens. My sister travels all over the world, once a year, and has done this for years and years. This wouldn't have been possible if she had had children. I worry about my children's futures much more than I worry about mine. Perhaps that is just my anxiety looking for things to latch onto but it really is what I worry the most about....

Try to concentrate on this.

Being single is much better than a bad marriage.

When you read about the life stories of some people, it seems like some people in this world have been nearly ruined by their marriages. For example, Debbie Reynolds 2nd husband is said to have gambled away 7 million of her money--good thing she was still able to find work in her 80s. All her husbands cheated on her. But she was angry at this 2nd H until the day he died. Some people are just bad. At least you have never allowed a man who is not worthy of you to convince you to tie the knot. So much better to be single.

I agree...don't waste your energy of what if...this is what it is and enjoy that you have options

It sounds like you are maybe grieving a little for what might have been, I'd say that's fine to acknowledge you feel that and those are valid emotions you are experiencing. It's okay to feel sad sometimes, as long as it doesn't take over your life.

Why do you feel that you will be only left with 'awful men' however? I know some nice guys who are still single too in your age bracket, you might just meet someone who is worth the wait. Likewise your friend's marriage is as others have pointed out no guarantee of happiness, and facebook is a highly edited view of peoples lives, the reality is likely to be quite different (and not shared!).

Thank you all for your suggestions, support and input - much appreciated!

I guess I am in fact grieving.... but I should remember that not all marriages are happy, which makes me feel badly for those suffering, but it is a reality - otherwise over 50% wouldn't divorce, and who knows how happy the rest truly are. I never want anyone to suffer though.

I could hide my married friends' posts on Facebook, but then I wouldn't see any posts, lol. That's most of them. I do need to remember that ppl on FB only show their happy pics and faces.

Sprout, I wouldn't be left with just awful men. It's that my past has been filled with awful men. :/ No use crying over spilled milk, though right? I just feel like I wasted a lot of valuable time. But yes, it's good I never let these jerks convince me to tie the knot, as Hoping pointed out.

I don't know why this is bugging me so much -- I guess seeing my friend's recent marriage right on the heels of the dissolution of my engagement just stings really badly. I am also facing the shame of its dissolution in front of all my FB friends that I announced it to only just four or five short months ago. It was a short engagement, which is just really embarrassing. I am sure they've figured out I am single again, as my status says as much and I haven't posted pics of us in over a month. SIGH. I don't know why I even care about this but I do.

I realize children are a mixed blessing too, but I never really wanted kids, so I'm OK with that. It's more so wanting a long-term partner to share my life with. I'm tired of just dating, and continuing to date in my late 40's. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, and I sound like I am.. .I do have much to be grateful for. I guess it comes back to the grieving process.

Hoping mentioned focusing on my friends and the good times --- great suggestion! Thank you, I will try....

I understand now Golden, and I am so sorry you had those type of men in your past - maybe you are at a critical point in your life now where you are ready to address your relationships and seek a better type of man in your future. Lots of women say they become better choosers with age and experience.

A broken engagement is a big deal, how you feel about that is totally valid - and if these are real friends they will be feeling a lot of compassion for you right now. Have you been able to talk to any of them about it?

It's good that you acknowledge that you have a lot to be grateful for but it's okay to also acknowledge your sadness and disappointment, even if just here, as long as you balance that out with some positive 'good to yourself' time.

thank you so much... you said this all so perfectly, with each point!

I am definitely at a critical point where I want to make FAR wiser decisions. And I am still deciding about my recent ex fiance right now (which I've written about in another thread). There are things for me to be cautious and to proceed carefully about with him, so I am trying to be smart and follow due diligence.

Great point about true friends. I've told my closest friends, and they've all been compassionate and caring. And thanks for validating my feelings.

Also great point about striking a balance. I am definitely getting out and about for fun events and often, so that's a huge plus right now. I am trying to focus on seeing my friends as much as possible, keeping busy and keeping the good times going. But in my alone time, especially since I work alone from home, I am left with my sad thoughts and feelings and sometimes, they engulf me. My communications with my ex fiance help to counter those feelings though, as he is making me happy right now.

Thank you so much again for your thoughtful reply! And to everyone else for their thoughtful replies, too!

I am 40 this year, unmarried mother of 4.
My perspective is a little different.
Marriage was a concept dreamt up thousands of years ago to ensure that daughters(otherwise unable to take care of themselves) were taken care of.
It was a business arrangement, a family was found the man offered a dowry in exchange for taking care of the woman.
This have fathers/families some recourse if husbands broke their end of the bargain.
It was a. Convenient arrangement amongst families, and was essentially good for society.
It was also created at a time when the life expectancy was around 35 and women were married off in their teens and often died in child birth.
It was never meant to last a lifetime, in fact I am not convinced human relationships are meant to last indefinitely.
Thing is relationships, like the people in them are living, breathing, growing, changing things.

Humans are forever in transition, growing, learning adapting.
What I wanted in a partner when I was 17, isn't what I wanted or needed at 25'. I would say that Chamberlain in my 30's.
In fact I spent the best part of a decade out of relationships because I just didn't know what I wanted or needed.
It's only In the last couple of years I am comfortable enough on my own to be in a relationship that feels like a shared experience rather than a dependency of some sort.
Of course this is simply one person's perspective.

What I am saying is I think relationships are something that cause us to grow and change, and not always together.
Those snap shots you see on fb, are usually the best seconds of an ever changing and fluid partnership. Many of which never make it further than 5 years once the marriage certificate is signed.
You are no less of a person your experiences are no less worthwhile just because you haven't been married.

I hope your able to find what it is you feel is missing. Take care and all the best.

The church I attend had a series of messages called "Fake book." It highlighted what most of us already realize, that people seldom post real-life stuff, just the shiny fun stuff. They seldom post mundane or issues they struggle with. It really is a medium that those of us with real issues should avoid like the plague!!

(((Hug)))

Agreed. I really need to remember this.... thank you!

I agree with the above. I was in a very stressful marriage for 20 years that impacted me so negatively that I don't date even 10 years later. I think you are so wise not to settle. People marry at all ages (my mom is engaged and she's 82).

You've gotten some great advice here and I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

Wow, Jennifer - now that does offer some perspective. I am very sorry you were in a highly stressful marriage for 20 years. That sounds awful. :/ Yes, there's been some great words of wisdom here that I should heed to! (((Hugs))))

I'm 52 & have never been married. It's never too late! Maybe it is for having children, but definitely not for marriage. I too thought I'd end up 'on the shelf' but I've recently met someone who is very, very special. He's not like anyone else I've ever met, so don't give up. Maybe you like me, have just met too many frogs!

Thank you... that's encouraging. I am glad I'm not the only one, too. Of course I'm not the only one, but there are few of us around. I'm so glad you've met someone very special to you! How wonderful. My mom keeps telling me stories of people she knows getting married in their 60's... I just don't know how attractive I will be at that point and pray I am not over 60 when it happens. I just don't know. I will try not to give up hope, thanks.

I got married second time at 50, met him at 49. He is great. It's never too late. But logically speaking longer you are staying with wrong men, less likely you'll meet right ones.

I generally don't feel like a victim or envy what others have, but I once when I was single I complained to my therapist how everyone else is married. She said "you have no idea what kind of lives they have, many people have such horrible marriages that You should rejoice that you are single". So don't worry about other people.

I am sorry this is something that is bothering you, Golden Eve. I myself have never really been interested in marriage. Partnership, yes. Marriage, no. What does marriage mean to you? Why is it so important that you be married? I don't think it's all that it's cracked up to be sometimes. I liked what Jennifer said too.

Thank you for the encouragement.... I will try. It usually doesn't bother me that much. Usually I don't compare my life to others, but for some reason, right now I am. :/

Thank you and good question! Why do I want to be married? I am just tired of the dating scene and heartaches. I am tired of the drill...

I've been dating for nearly three decades now. It's tiresome getting hopeful with someone then having that fall to pieces, over and over again. I just want someone long-term, it doesn't even really have to be a marriage, but a committed, lifelong relationship. I want to grow old with someone, have adventures and memories. I want what everyone else around me has. I feel I am missing out and it makes me feel like the odd ball in life. And I know it's not everything in life or all that it's cracked out to be. I know marriage can be hard and takes work and compromise. But I am ready for that now.

If it doesn't work out with my ex fiance, I may give up altogether. I cannot face the dating scene again.. I just can't keep going through this. As I write that, tears are streaming down my face. I guess this is really a big issue for me.

It's understandable you feel this way. It's normal. I just think at 47 you have a good chance to meet single men same age. Just don't settle.

Thank you so much. I haven't settled to date, even though marriage has come up with several men. So I will be sure not to settle, if and when I get to that point again. Thanks again.

Thank you golden for this post. I just joined this site and was hoping to find a thread that could address my issue. I am turning 57 next month and have never had a long term relationship. Ten months have probably been my longest relationship.

For years it never bothered me. However, at 52, I realized I was ready to get out there and date. Got back to the gym, signed up for online dating, researched and talked to friends and family for suggestions / feedback and nothing. Met a few nice guys, but mostly duds. A year ago a niece got engaged. Yesterday and a nephew got engaged. Both times hen I heard, I felt like someone had slapped me. I never had this reaction before and it really bothered me.

I have already reduced my Facebook usage. and have decided to step back from family events. Lots of great input above and looking forward to this site's postings and input. My goal at this point is to get into a healthy state of mind. Single or not.

Oopsy, sorry I missed this post! The thread got buried. I know the feeling you describe! It does feel like a slap. In the US, there are dating sites for people over 50. But I know what you mean --- getting into a healthy state of mind, regardless of dating status, is most important. Glad you found PC and welcome!