Negative Feelings Toward Sister

I have posted before about my negative feelings toward my sister but I am feeling sort of helpless and lost again in light of recent events.

I am 23, and my sister is 20. I have always been extremely competitive with her, and have been jealous of her and our relationship is continuously sort of strained or distant because of it. Growing up, I was always the "smart one" and she was always the "pretty and social one". Our parents reinforced these roles for us and I went to college and focused on school and she went to tech school but had a dream to only find a rich man and to not have to continue school. I always felt like I would be more successful or responsible in a career than her, and honestly (it sounds horrible) but I always considered her to be kind of ditzy and of less than average intelligence based on her struggles with school growing up and her lack of interest in it.

I have been having a ton of negative feelings since she decided she wanted to drop tech school and go to a 4 year university to pursue a career very similar to mine. When she first told me her plans, I instantly felt threatened and felt like there was no way she would be able to do it. Now, I am pursuing my masters degree and she just started her bachelor's degree this week and when she talked to me on the phone about how her classes were going well, I felt kind of annoyed or jealous, and I got this horrible feeling like I secretly wish school would not end up working out for her. It's so bad, but I feel like I kind of LIKED that she had less ambitious goals for her life previously.

I haven't talked to her since, because I don't know how to deal with these feelings and I don't understand them. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I know I'm being ridiculous and that my feelings are WRONG but I can't stop them or stop the negativity from affecting my conversations with her. All I know is that it seems like I was more comfortable before in thinking I was the "smart one" who would have a better career and better education. Now that she is doing almost the same thing, I feel almost jealous or threatened or something, because I always assumed she would never pursue a career and be a stay at home mom or something (note: there is nothing wrong with that, just something I prided myself on being different than her in due to my competitive nature with her). So now I find myself wishing she would fail at school or something, all due to this desire I feel to be "better" than her at this and I also find myself just being so doubtful that she will make it through school.... It is just so hard for me to cheer her on and be happy for her because I guess my education and future career is the one thing that made me feel special compared to her, and her success feels threatening to me.

What is wrong with me and how can I stop it!???

Your last sentence pretty much sums it up. That you want to feel special compared to her and her success threatens you. Great insight! There is nothing wrong with your feelings. Sibling rivalry is a age old problem. THe fact that you realize you have these feelings is good thing.

(((hugs)))) There is nothing wrong with you, and feelings are not wrong to have... they are just feelings, for better or for worse, and they are deeply rooted in a history. I agree with the above.. this is an age old problem, sibling rivalry and is so very common.

Know that you are special apart from your sister in your own right, based on who you are as a person who is completely separate from her, with special qualities that are all your own and unique only to you. When you embrace self love in this way and realize how special you truly are, the threat may drop away.

Even if she is pursuing a similar field, perhaps look at this as flattery. For all you know, she may be jealous of your intelligence, drive and career ambitions, and she may be modelling herself after you. I suspect she is. She is younger, and that happens often with younger siblings. Jealousies can run both ways.

In my opinion, it says something about her that she wanted to find a rich man to take care of her... that shows she doesn't have much confidence in her ability to succeed, but now she is trying to. Perhaps she wants to be more like you- independent, successful and self-sufficient. So there's another way to look at it. (((Hugs)))

Great responses above. There's nothing wrong with you and your feelings are valid based on the history. Have you thought about seeing a therapist so you aren't locked into this conflict the rest of your life? In 4 years she may have a Bachelors degree but you'll have your Masters and probably be further ahead in your career then you are now. You have time to work on leaving this baggage behind. Sending big hugs.

Wow, you guys are so helpful!! Thank you so much! I actually am talking to a therapist about this currently so hopefully I will learn how to let my jealousy go. What bothers me the most is that i feel like I can only feel good about myself if I feel I'm doing better than her, and i also feel terrible for "looking down" on her my whole life and considering myself to be smarter than her.
I know that eventually I will have my Masters while she will have a bachelor's, but i really don't want to feel good about achieving a better degree than her since I want to drop the comparison piece of it all together. I don't even know why I'm so bothered by her going for her bachelor's in the first place, since as you said I will have my Masters eventually and be doing my own thing. It's almost like I'm a kid again and feel that being smart is "my territory" or something and that if she makes it through college one could consider her to be smart too, when I never thought she was before.
Thanks for your views and different perspectives-