My Jealously is out of control and I dont know how to control it, I am so jealous of my boyfriend and he isnt even doing anything wrong, Its other women that I am having problems with, Them looking at him or trying to talk to him, I feel like I am going to explode, I am extremely jealous and possessive and I know its not good, Does anyone else have a problem with this and how do you handle it

Sounds odd to me. I don't see a reason to flirt with someone who's clearly taken. That is, does it happen when you're with him? If so, how do you walk together? Any physical touch?
I'm thinking of scenarios right now. If a couple walks side by side with no hands held for instance, I could think they're just friends.

[Sunflower123]

If it possible you feel insecure in some fashion in your relationship with your boyfriend?

[Bill3]

What thoughts go through your head when you are starting to get jealous?

[wolfgaze]

Have to dig deeper to get to the heart of the matter... The external circumstances and your jealous reaction to them are merely the 'symptom' of an 'underlying cause'. What is the root cause of your jealous feelings? (it's not the external circumstances you're reacting to)... It's rooted in something else... Do you feel insecurity and fear?

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Sounds odd to me. I don't see a reason to flirt with someone who's clearly taken. That is, does it happen when you're with him? If so, how do you walk together? Any physical touch?
I'm thinking of scenarios right now. If a couple walks side by side with no hands held for instance, I could think they're just friends.

It happens right in front of me and we could be holding hands or something, Its obvious we are a couple, I dont understand it, Its partying type of women that do this

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

If it possible you feel insecure in some fashion in your relationship with your boyfriend?

I am very insecure that is my problem

[eskielover]

Do you not trust his committment to you or has there actually been a committment to make you feel secure in your relationship?

Have you had previous experiences where you have lost a BF to someone who was flirting?

Getting to the internal cause of your jealousy which is NOT THEIR FLIRTING, is the key to resolving it. It's about what is going on inside of you & being aware/mindful of your own thoughts that are making you feel this way when it happens.

Originally Posted by Bill3

What thoughts go through your head when you are starting to get jealous?

That is woman is prettier then me, I dont party any more and he still does, The women that do this are the partying type of women, I feel like I dont measure up, And maybe I am boring and he would like a partier woman, He says he does not want that, I am a recoving alcoholic myself and it makes it hard, He is very good looking and I just feel like I I am good enough, I wish I had higher self esteem and confidence, I dont like to feel like this

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Have to dig deeper to get to the heart of the matter... The external circumstances and your jealous reaction to them are merely the 'symptom' of an 'underlying cause'. What is the root cause of your jealous feelings? (it's not the external circumstances you're reacting to)... It's rooted in something else... Do you feel insecurity and fear?

Yes very much so, I have been cheated on so much in my life, I am just scared it is going to happen again, I have trust issues badly

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Hummingbird1

Yes very much so, I have been cheated on so much in my life, I am just scared it is going to happen again, I have trust issues badly

The physical mind will influence you to believe that the 'problem' is actually outside of you (external) - i.e. your boyfriend's behavior and what other women are doing... It will influence you to focus your attention on the external factors in your life experience... This leads to attempts to exercise control over the external circumstances in order to try and 'protect' yourself - which will never succeed and will invariably fail...

The heart of the matter is an internal 'issue' that resulted from earlier emotionally challenging life experiences which left an 'impression' upon your state of being... Impression meaning the unresolved/unprocessed emotional energy stemming from those life experiences that has been retained (held onto) and is waiting to be healed (and released). This is what causes your sensitivity and feelings of insecurity/vulnerability/fear... Being an internal 'issue', the good news here is that you absolutely have the ability to influence and exercise control over your state of being. So you see you have to make an effort to shift your focus/attention & conscious energy away from the surface-level external circumstances which trigger your sensitivity (this is the symptom) - and instead direct your focus/attention and conscious energy inwardly so that you can conduct the necessarily introspection and inner-work to process what's still unresolved inside you (the cause) and eventually heal yourself! This is an important realization because think of how much time and conscious energy has previously been spent on worrying about the external circumstances that were making you feel uncomfortable while neglecting the root cause of the emotional sensitivity? You don't have to subject yourself to doing this anymore...

Realize that these current feelings are really about you (your internal condition) and not truly about what's currently going on 'out there' (external to you)... In terms of working towards your healing - you may find yourself revisiting and reflecting upon those particular earlier life experiences which had the greatest emotional impact on your state of being. There is emotional energy tied to those experiences which still needs to surface so that it can be consciously acknowledged and fully processed then released. The 'wounding' has to eventually be exposed (and no longer pushed away / suppressed) so that it can finally be healed. Are there perhaps any individuals that you are ready to bring yourself to forgive (in your own mind) so that you can part ways with the emotional material/energy associated with those individuals? Is it time for you to identify some new ways of perceiving your past experiences which will bring about a change in your former mental/emotional reaction to those experiences? These are rhetorical questions that do not need to be answered here - however important notions to consider. Journaling about your most sensitive emotions/feelings could prove to be very therapeutic/beneficial over the long term (this enables you to consciously connect with what's stored inside you). Exploring relevant self-help books/materials/videos could be helpful as well. Routinely remind yourself of the 'symptom' and 'root cause' analogy so that you can stop yourself from being distracted by the surface-level external circumstances which are merely 'reminders' for you that there is additional inner-work to be conducted and healing that needs to be brought about...

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

The physical mind will influence you to believe that the 'problem' is actually outside of you (external) - i.e. your boyfriend's behavior and what other women are doing... It will influence you to focus your attention on the external factors in your life experience... This leads to attempts to exercise control over the external circumstances in order to try and 'protect' yourself - which will never succeed and will invariably fa
The heart of the matter is an internal 'issue' that resulted from earlier emotionally challenging life experiences which left an 'impression' upon your state of being... Impression meaning the unresolved/unprocessed emotional energy stemming from those life experiences that has been retained (held onto) and is waiting to be healed (and released). This is what causes your sensitivity and feelings of insecurity/vulnerability/fear... Being an internal 'issue', the good news here is that you absolutely have the ability to influence and exercise control over your state of being. So you see you have to make an effort to shift your focus/attention & conscious energy away from the surface-level external circumstances which trigger your sensitivity (this is the symptom) - and instead direct your focus/attention and conscious energy inwardly so that you can conduct the necessarily introspection and inner-work to process what's still unresolved inside you (the cause) and eventually heal yourself! This is an important realization because think of how much time and conscious energy has previously been spent on worrying about the external circumstances that were making you feel uncomfortable while neglecting the root cause of the emotional sensitivity? You don't have to subject yourself to doing this anymore...

Realize that these current feelings are really about you (your internal condition) and not truly about what's currently going on 'out there' (external to you)... In terms of working towards your healing - you may find yourself revisiting and reflecting upon those particular earlier life experiences which had the greatest emotional impact on your state of being. There is emotional energy tied to those experiences which still needs to surface so that it can be consciously acknowledged and fully processed then released. The 'wounding' has to eventually be exposed (and no longer pushed away / suppressed) so that it can finally be healed. Are there perhaps any individuals that you are ready to bring yourself to forgive (in your own mind) so that you can part ways with the emotional material/energy associated with those individuals? Is it time for you to identify some new ways of perceiving your past experiences which will bring about a change in your former mental/emotional reaction to those experiences? These are rhetorical questions that do not need to be answered here - however important notions to consider. Journaling about your most sensitive emotions/feelings could prove to be very therapeutic/beneficial over the long term (this enables you to consciously connect with what's stored inside you). Exploring relevant self-help books/materials/videos could be helpful as well. Routinely remind yourself of the 'symptom' and 'root cause' analogy so that you can stop yourself from being distracted by the surface-level external circumstances which are merely 'reminders' for you that there is additional inner-work to be conducted and healing that needs to be brought about...

Thank you for all of your advice, I will have to do some serious work on myself, I dont like feeling this way any more, It just makes me feel miserable

Wolfgaze, that is very insightful and a great way to explain it! It actually even helped me to understand some things better, so thank you.

I think another key factor here is to work on your self-esteem and feeling more confident that your partner loves and wants YOU. These women are triggering you because they may be prettier and party like he does, making you feel "less than" them.

The thing is, you are not less than. He is with you for a reason and says he doesn't need or want a party girl. Trust what he tells you and trust that he likes you for YOU and all that you bring to the relationship.

There will always be someone more beautiful in the world, but beauty is not just skin deep. Beauty goes so much further, which relationships require in order to be sustained. Have faith in yourself that you are beautiful to him, and a wonderful partner just as you are.

Because others cheated in the past does not mean he will also cheat. He is an entirely different person. The only reason to worry about that is if he is showing signs that he may stray, and it doesn't seem like that is this case.

((((Hugs))))

[selmaduric3]

Originally Posted by Hummingbird1

My Jealously is out of control and I dont know how to control it, I am so jealous of my boyfriend and he isnt even doing anything wrong, Its other women that I am having problems with, Them looking at him or trying to talk to him, I feel like I am going to explode, I am extremely jealous and possessive and I know its not good, Does anyone else have a problem with this and how do you handle it

I think that to some extent jealousy is ok but just don't let it consume you. There is a reason he is with you and not with any one else. You are the person he wants to be with - don't dwell on things you can't control like people looking at him (they could be looking at you guys and wanting a relationship like yours)

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Hummingbird1

That is woman is prettier then me, I dont party any more and he still does, The women that do this are the partying type of women, I feel like I dont measure up, And maybe I am boring and he would like a partier woman, He says he does not want that, I am a recoving alcoholic myself and it makes it hard, He is very good looking and I just feel like I I am good enough, I wish I had higher self esteem and confidence, I dont like to feel like this

You've just explained a lot of why you feel like you do. You don't feel good enough.

I'm curious though about being around "partying" type of women as drinking is involved I assume. As a recovering alcoholic it's stressful and perilous to your recovery to be in that situation.

Do you have an AA sponsor you can talk to about this?

Why do you go out with your boyfriend when he's partying? Do you feel the need to be there because of your insecurities? Perhaps you could stay home and let him have a boys night out? If he wants to go out a LOT....he may not be considering your need for recovery and just wants to party.

Just my thoughts.

[Shazerac]

And furthermore .....instead of staying home you could go see a chick flick with sober friends, or go to an AA meeting. Do something self comforting, what ever works for you.

Hopefully your man is telling the truth that he wants you and doesn't care about these party animal women. Try trusting him. Contrary to popular opinion....most men don't actually think with their penis. a good looking man is gonna get hit on. They are used to it. If he loves you he won't stray. If he is going to stray you being there won't stop it.

[eskielover]

I dont party any more and he still does,

hmmmm WHY if you are BF/GF is he out partying around those kind of women if he's committed to you?

This isn't about you being insecure as it is questioning his REAL committment to you BASED solely on his behavior. Depending on his REAL level of committment you have a RIGHT to question his behavior as being non-supportive of you.....honestly I wouldn't be feeling jealous but I would be feeling DOUBT about him & whether he was TRULY INVESTED in your relationship.

His partying around women like that without you being with him shows total lack of support toward you & your situation of being a recovering alcoholic. If that's the kind of support he gives you now, he doesn't sound very serious truly caring about you & the relationship between you with his values that seem to be stronger toward partying than what is best for you.

Maybe your feeling of jealousy is more an internal warning about something being not quite right with the relationship & you are not seeing it for what it's really pointing out?