[RampageBear]

Hello everyone.

I didn't really know where to go or who to talk about this to. This has been heavily weighing on my mind and needed to get it out. I hope someone can give some advice or help me talk this out without negativity.

I am in a same sex relationship with a girl that I have been seeing for about a year. We were friends for about 8 months before I asked her out. Everything is great with her for the most part, but there is something particular that has been bothering me.

When she was in her early 20s (we are mid 20s now) she was raped by a guy that she went to college with. The first time it happened she was at his dorm room and needed to take a shower. She said he came into the shower with her and sat down beside her and was erect. He proceeded to move her on to his lap. She stood up and was leaving the shower. As she exited the shower he grabbed her and penetrated her. She said she was telling him to stop, but he finished and she left.

Later that night she invited him over to her dorm because she was afraid of being alone (her roommate was gone that night) she said she went to sleep in her bed and he was on the couch. He comes in her room, gets on top of her and begins to penetrate her (again she is saying stop) this time he doesn't ejaculate and says 'look what you made me do' im assuming he was trying to play the victim and say she was asking to be raped. He then got angry and left and she never heard from him again.

This is where I am going to come across as a real jack *****... but please try to understand. It took her awhile to tell me everything that had happened. She finally told me who did it and said he was on her Facebook (for one, why is he on your Facebook if he raped you?) anyways, I told her that he must of deleted himself because he wasn't. I felt this rage go over me when I finally found his page. I wanted to inflict the same amount of pain on him.

The more I thought about him, I would get angrier. Then I started to rethink everything she told me. I had so many questions but i would NEVER ask her because its disrespectful and it would seem like I didn't believe her, but honestly I feel sometimes that she wanted it to happen.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS HORRIBLE. I can't believe I am even typing that but with me I over analyze every little detail and I can't help but wonder....

....why did she want him to come back over there that SAME NIGHT? I don't understand this. Did she sub consciously want to be violated?

Sometimes during sexual intercourse she wants to play the role of being raped. She likes to be choked and things of that nature. Sometimes she will say if I say 'No,stop' don't stop. In my mind I feel if someone was to be raped that would be triggering and would never want that ever again.

The guy that raped her was really tall and super stick skinny, and had certain facial features. The guy she dated for 3 years afterwards also had the EXACT same look. Again... why would you date someone that looked significantly like your attacker? I honestly get mad about it sometimes... like why in the f would want that?!

I hope someone can talk to me about this, and please know I mean no disrespect to rape victims. I'm just confused on a few things with her and trying to wrap my head around it.

Thank you

[LaraR4444]

I have three perspectives on this.

#1, when a person is sexually abused, they aren't always good at protecting themselves. Children, for instance, grow up with poor boundaries and sometimes become promiscuous and seek out unhealthy things. I was talking about this last night because of #metoo and compared it to being a vampire victim, like you are sick and it isn't your fault but you do things that make you vulnerable. This is based on personal experience.

#2, I have heard a theory that I also relate to that we sometimes try to recreate bad things like this to try to "fix it" somehow.

#3, Some women do have rape fantasies.... What you imagine in your head and what you can create with a trusted partner are different. I've had mixed up feelings about sex, and I have most definitely been abused.

I don't know what you as the partner are supposed to do about any of this or how to discuss it with her... It's very complicated and while I can share input like that on she might feel, I am not wise in the matters of handling delicate matters well.

[Bill3]

This is where I am going to come across as a real jack *****... but please try to understand.

You ask us for understanding and patience in expressing something that might on the surface seem problematic. I think you will find that, by and large, people here will be willing to grant you that understanding and patience. As gently as I can, though, I submit that this same understanding and patience, from you, is what is needed in dealing with your girlfriend.

People in excruciating pain often do not make choices that stand up to the harsh spotlight of seemingly pure rationality at later dates. With regard to the guy she invited over, she evidently knew him in some capacity before the rape, and she may have decided to have even that company over the prospect of being alone. She might have him on facebook because there is too much revulsion around bringing him to mind long enough to delete him.

My suggestion is to resist the urge to know and understand the excruciating details of what happened, and of how she handled the trauma afterwards, and instead limit yourself to offering her unconditional acceptance, support, and compassion. You empower her by allowing her to deal with her trauma as she sees fit now, and as she saw fit at the time.

[Bill3]

I don't know what you as the partner are supposed to do about any of this or how to discuss it with her... It's very complicated and while I can share input like that on she might feel, I am not wise in the matters of handling delicate matters well.

My suggestion is to use "active listening". With this approach, the listener tries to get across that she understands and accepts what was said, without expressing any judgment pro or con. The listener accomplishes this by stating her understanding of what was said, and allowing the speaker to correct it as needed.

For example:

Her: I was so alone that I asked him to come over that night.

You: The aloneness must have been overwhelming and excruciating.

Her: Yes. I was just terrified.

You: It could have been the most frightened you have ever felt.

Her: It was.

You can look up more about active listening, or "reflective listening", online.

If you use active listening, she can come to realize that you understand and accept her, even about her trauma. Knowing that, she might try to express more of her feelings. In other words, she is not alone.