Is he the abuser or am i? help

Thank you for your response. Sorry for spamming my own thread but i feel the need to reply because everyone is being very mature and honest with me. Thank you so much.

I´ve been in therapy since i was 13, when i turned 18 they sent me to the adult psychiatrist. I met with her twice, and after evaluating me she concluded i was not in need of any treatment. She literally said i could not come back. I hid under a tree in the rain and cried.
I´ve been thinking of going to this other, more chill and free therapy place. Just need to gather bravery.

Thank you. I´ve probably triggered every single person who´s seen my post by how immature and naively stubborn i act. Believe me, i know how stupid i sound.
This relationship feels right and good and cute and lovely half of the time, and excruciatingly terrifying and wrong half of the time.

I think he knows our relationship is bad too. He said once that he knows there´s a wrongness in our relationship but that he likes it. Said once he didn´t want to go to jail because i liked feeling like a victim.

Sorry that this will be a long reply, but so many nice people have responded to my post that i feel the need to write something that i´ve gotten out of/learned from everyone´s advice.

-Option 1, i stay and love him and things probably most ****ing likely go to hell
-Option 2, i leave him and heal (too impossible, i can´t)
The best option: He gets a girlfriend so i don´t have to be with him anymore, him leaving would fix everything
What i´m going to do in the near future: I won´t be able to do anything drastic, but i will NOT travel to visit him, and i will contact a therapist and tell them about all of this mess.

Thank you again.

Psychiatrist said you aren’t in need of treatment doesn’t mean you can’t see therapist. I don’t know where you live but I am not aware of free therapy. Maybe some reduced payment type of thing.

Good idea!

I'm glad to hear you're not going to visit him!

Just want to say one more thing....leaving him is not impossible! It's the best thing you can do for yourself. Yes, it might be incredibly hard, it will hurt and it will seem like you'll never get over it.... But you will!!

You don't need this guy who is ruining you, who doesn't respect you and who constantly brings you down.

You don't even see this guy IRL. How do you know he doesn't already have another gf and is just playing with you? How can you trust him?

He might have someone else. I´m okay with that, as long as she is too. We agreed he could see people. But he said he didn´t want to be in a relationship with anyone for like 20 years.
Maybe i will leave him, maybe i won´t. He just wants a non commitment sexual relationship and that´s cool. Does´t mean he´s a terrible person. I think i´ll just treat him with the same amount of respect he treats me with.

In many cases psychiatrists primarily prescribe meds. Their main goal is to make sure the meds you are on are working well and any side effects are bearable. Some go a little deeper than that, one being my daughter's psychiatrist, but that seems to be quite rare anymore. I see you mentioned in another post that you will start seeing a therapist again, I think that is a great idea.

Best of luck and please be kind to yourself!

Thank you! There´s this like "youth" place you can go to and just talk to an adult about feelings, sex, stuff like that. It´d be nice actually.
Therapist gave me meds, too them for like half a year, then quit them without telling anyone. Not a good decision but oh well.

If you have no illness then why were you prescribed meds? Is it possible that your abruptly stopped medication caused issues with how you make decisions? What was the meds for?

I am at a total loss here.. You have been given stellar honest advice..

Maybe you answered this before and Im sorry I didnt see it.

How old are you ?

He doesn't treat you with any respect.

She said she is 18

To all honesty this isn’t a relationship. This is some messed up rude abusive guy you are talking to online whom you met only once in 3 years. The rest of the time he is just some guy who is incredibly rude and mean to you online. That’s about it. He is a total stranger whose rudeness you tolerate for whatever reason. I don’t know why you are referring to it as a relationship.

I would say that going to the youth center program would be a good start. They may be able to refer you to a therapist there. You don't have to be on meds to go to therapy. It's been recommended to me by my therapist to see my GP for meds for my anxiety, but I have avoided doing so. I still see her every couple weeks because she really helps me find ways to handle stress and anxiety.

I only want to add that you both live in different countries, continents, even and this is all done virtually. My advice is to take a step away from your computer and get outside and surround yourself with in person connections, innocent aquaintances and friendships. This clearly saps and drains you.

He is a narcissist and an abuser,proof of this is the mantra that he makes you repeat,also he has isolated you from your friends and no your sole purpose is not to please him.Bdsm without a safe word is not good and dangerous if you ask me.he is not a God.He can hurt you badly and probably will.Note all abusers that commit domestic violence turn their partner's family and friends away from them, so they,the abuser, are the only influence and the partner has no one to turn to and no reality check.Leave him he is no good.

Sorry for the late reply, i´m 18. An adult. I should be able to deal with this on my own. I feel like i´m still about 10 years old on the inside. Thank you all for your concern.

I used to have an eating disorder and social phobia, and just general anxiety like most people. The medication actually did help in a way. Sir said they made me numb and drugged up and that it was disgusting. That he didn´t want to speak to some drugged up *insert bad word here*
I disagree with him completely but i still stopped taking them. Thank you for caring and replying to my post.

Replying to my own thread again, i apologize.
I wanted to thank you all for your wonderful advice.
I did bring up how i felt about us recently. I talked to him about how i don´t think our interactions are healthy, that i think our relationship might just hurt us.
He´s acted so nice and sweet and kind toward me lately. Even talking about his day and being a bit more personal. He´s been very sweet and interested in my thoughts. This is either: A) him realizing his behavior is bad and trying to change, genuinely or b) him just pretending to be sweet to keep me from leaving. If it´s the latter, i´ll notice. Because after he´s sweet he´ll be mean again. And if that happens, i´ll try my hardest to really distance myself from him.
Thank you all, again.

Sigh...this just so unhealthy.

First, it's okay to need help. Even adults need other people to lean on in their lives. No one deals with anything alone. We all need people to talk to.

Second, PLEASE see a therapist or even talk to your family or a close friend about what this guy is doing to you. You were on those meds to help you. He wanted you to stop taking them, even though they helped you, because of some side effects to your mood? This is your health and life we are talking about.

It's okay to like being submissive and BDSM, this isn't about that. What he is doing is beyond controlling, it's manipulative, and he isn't concerned with your health and well-being, which any partner, regardless of sexual lifestyle, will care about.

PLEASE see a therapist. And tell them everything you told us here.

I would also recommend you just cut off this guy completely. He is abusing you and hurting you. Getting him out of your life is imperative. I know it seems like maybe you won't find anyone else. But you are young and I assure you there are other men out there who will treat you with respect.

Seesaw