Online Dating: A Nightmare or a Good Way to Meet People?

Well, given that we've already gone there and had sex twice I don't think I want to backtrack or slow things down sexually. I am perfectly OK with things as they are right now... I don't feel guilty or wrong for having had sex already before commitment. I am doing this the way that feels right to me. We had sex after three weeks of talking. I know I am not unique in wanting sex. All that really matters to me is that I don't end up in another abusive, dysfunctional or toxic relationship, and I don't get that vibe from this man.

Oooh!! He just mentioned ocean and brunch on Thursdays! I think he is looking and thinking ahead.... this is a good sign!

Really glad it's going well. Enjoy!!!

thanks Purple!!

Way to go Eve!! I am so happy for you!! As for me, I'm meeting my online man in two weeks and am hoping for the best. We talk daily online and also videocam too. He knows about my illness and still accepts me. I don't know if we are perfect for each other yet since we have not met in person. However, he makes me smile when we talk. I've never talked to any man this long before meeting. I was quite surprised he was accepting of my illness and am happy he is quite nice. He is not mentally ill but has some illnesses which are not that serious. I am happy for him. He is coming for five days all the way from another country to meet me. I was initially shocked he would do this for me. However, I am now taking it in stride and am hoping for the best. I know some people are telling me to be cautious still. I think he is ok as a person. He has told me quite a lot already as I have also. I hope he remains happy with me as I am with him. I am 50 years old and don't think at my age I am going to get many men anymore. I look young but age is age. For women the older one gets, the less responses one receives. I don't mind. One good man is all I need. I don't need many men. I have to admit I was a player myself when I was younger but now I'm ready for something real. Times change and expectations change with age as well. I am happy with him so far but I'm not expecting perfection but just someone who cares about me as I care about him. This is about it. As for sex, we shall see what happens!!

thank you so much!

And WOW! This is amazing! He is coming from another country to meet you?? Where will he stay? With you or in a hotel? Will you stay with him or at your own place?

When my ex and I were long distance, we met in person for the first time and shared a hotel room. It made things much more intense from the beginning, but we were already in love and had been talking for three months every day before that.

I really hope this works out well for you.... that's wonderful that he accepts your mental health issues..... I need to figure out when to let my guy in on this, but as you may have read, we're not even committed yet and for me, it's just too soon to reveal this, but I don't want to dredge up that aspect of the conversation on here again. lol. We've covered it!!! hehe.

And I know what you mean about age and expectations being different as you grow older. I feel the same. I just want a healthy relationship, someone who loves me, treats me with kindness and respect and who is committed to me... at least, that is what I am looking for in the future and when I'm fully ready to fall in love again.

((((((((Hugs))))))

So, good news! I learned that "Jim" can be supportive!! I am very happy to have learned this and to see this aspect of him. I had a car accident last night (someone hit me then sped away!), I was really upset when I got home, and Jim called me to make sure I was OK. then this morning, still upset and disgruntled, I posted about it on Facebook, and he replied right away saying "hang in there, champ!" and posted a funny image to make me smile.

I am very happy to see that he can be supportive.

He and I are either staying at my place and at hotels. I am hoping we get along in person as we do online. I am hoping for the best. We still talk daily and are really happy with each other. I believe he is decent and is someone special. He always takes his time to answer my messages. He is really nice. I really like him and hope that he turns out as great in person as he does online. I am thinking we will be happy with each other. We are both from bad marriages and are divorced. We can relate to each other well. It has been nice to get to know each other these past two months. We are really into each other. I have not had any problems with him so far. He is really into my life and wants to know all about me as I do with him. So far, we really get along. It is nice he really works hard at his job too and is doing well overall. I am happy for him. We talk in the morning and at night. We wake up with each other and go to bed by telling each other- good night. We are like two peas in a pod. He is so far the nicest man I've met. He is so sweet and caring. I am trying to do my best to be as nice and sweet to him. He has told me his illnesses and I've told him mine. We accept each other as is. We are not trying to change each other and really like each other. I am glad I found him. In less than two weeks, we will meet, and I can't wait to meet him. I hope he likes me too. I feel as if we've known each other for a long time already. I am a little anxious about meeting him for the first time. We shall see if we make it as a couple. Only time will tell.

Awww, this all sounds wonderful so far!!!! It really does. I am hopeful for you and am excited and happy for you. I really hope it works out. In person chemistry can never be predicted from a distance or by video Skype, though you can get a sense of someone over video. It sounds like you have a good foundation already for the rest of it. Fingers crossed!!! Keep us posted!!!

Feeling some anxiety this morning over my new guy. I revealed some of my insecurities last night by accident or they arose due to the situation. Feeling anxious about that, but he texted this morning on his initiative and things seem totally normal. He was perfectly friendly, adding little kissy emojis and said he's looking forward to our next date. Perhaps it didn't bother him that much, or maybe he perceived it as perfectly normal, and I have nothing to worry about. But he did bump up against my insecurities, so I am insecure about my insecurities! Ha! lol.

Well, I guess my worries now don't need to exist. He just wrote saying it felt really good to be with me last night. Phew.

So "Jim" remarked last night to me how I like to go to the edge of drunkenness. I have not gotten drunk around him, not once, but I have definitely partied it up and have gotten a good buzz on. I do like to party, this is true! He needs to know the real me and the real me enjoys a good party. He likes to party too, but he's a bit more responsible than me and drinks water at the end of the night. This is good because now I drink water, too.

He seems to accept this about me. At least I hope he does. I don't ever really get drunk. Well, there are times when it's been too much, but I try to keep it in check and be responsible enough.

Last night he gave me a nice gift that he bought for me (so sweet and thoughtful!) and paid for all my drinks without me knowing at the end of the night. I think I might keep this one, if he'll want to keep me.

I think alcohol becomes a problem when it effects people’s decision making, I did notice that you mentioned alcohol as explanations of excuse of something happening ( I said it because I was drinking or we had sex because I was drinking etc), so he might be on to something.

I think it doesn’t matter if you are buzzed or drunk as who is to determine the difference? Bottom line you are often “intoxicated”. If he said it, he noticed it too. Do you have to be intoxicated to enjoy a good party?

Now saying that, ton of people drink. It’s not against the law. I’d probably have this conversation with him at some point again because it might be something that will eventually bother him. I find company of intoxicated people unpleasant. When you are sober, buzzed people aren’t a good company. Is he sober while you are buzzed? I certainly would talk more to him

I hope you take cabs after parties. Sure hope neither one of you drives like that

Yeah, you're right. It may bother him after a while. We are both careful about not driving. I think I need to watch my alcohol intake and maybe step it down a notch. I've probably been drinking too much, in all honesty. I do have a bit of a reliance on alcohol, I fully admit. But like I said, I rarely get drunk. He told me that he becomes a "lush" during the holidays. But that's during the holidays.

Just be mindful of it. I am not a good judge of what is too much as I don’t drink but I guess it is easy to make it big part of your life and become reliant on it. It is s good idea to cut it.

it IS easy... since I go out all the time for music, it's a part of things. It's normal to me. I will be mindful.

Can you drink something non alcoholic that is still fun looking? I like fun looking drinks like good mock-tails. It might be lame haha but you’d be sober plus some taste really good. I like life music too. You don’t need to drink to enjoy it.

I suppose I could.. but that doesn't sound very fun, lol. No, I definitely do not need alcohol to enjoy music. Maybe I'll try it without one night! that would be a big change!!

It doesn’t sound fun to be sober? I’d be worried if I or my partner needed to be under the influence to enjoy something or have fun. Have you ever talked to your therapist about it?

No, I've been sober at music events before. I don't have to drink to have fun. And I definitely don't need to drink in order to enjoy something. I do talk to my therapist about it sometimes. I think I have been in party mode lately though and need to slow it down.

so, on another topic, getting off the drinking topic, I want to approach Jim about New Years plans, but I don't know how. I want to let him steer the seriousness of our relationship and taking the next steps. We were holding off on making set NYE plans because we didn't know if we would still be hanging out by then. That was beginning of Dec when we were talking about it. Now NYE is two weeks away, and I am getting antsy to make plans. There's a concert an hour away that I want to attend, but it takes planning and buying tix ahead of time before they sell out. I don't know how to bring this up without being pushy..... should I wait one more week and then ask if he doens't bring it up? I suppose alternatively, we could wing it and do something else more spontaneously if I wait 'til he brings it up. I just don't want to push things.

I just wanted to touch on the online bit real quick (as I know this thread has taken some turns in the topic department). I was never into the “traditional” online dating deal. I don’t sign up on websites or any of that. However, I did fall in love with someone from another country and we stayed together until we finally met, which took years. I thought we were inseparable, but sadly things did not last.

With that being said, this sort of online dating I mentioned from experience is very intense. I preferred it to anything I’ve had that started in the “real world”, because she and I knew almost everything we possibly could about each other before we met, and when we did there was no awkwardness or shyness and it was like we had known each other forever. It truly was amazing. The problem is, when something like that doesn’t last the fall is a pretty rough landing.

The difficulty is not really knowing what the other person is doing. It’s easy to get jealous, and have wandering thoughts. You don’t get to see the person very often, and it’s really hard for both parties involved. I think that was our downfall. But as far as everyone saying you don’t really “know” the person, how do you “know” someone in real life either? I’ve had so many people stab me in the back and not be who I thought they were. Just look at all the people we are supposed to trust (priests, police, teachers, etc..) who turn out to commit very bad crimes. People are good at hiding who they really are. Maybe it’s easier to do that online, but it isn’t just online that it happens. Just my two cents. Obviously there are dangers with dating someone online (whether it be a dating site or elsewhere), but in this day and age what isn’t dangerous?

I think you have two options:

1. Wait for him. I’d not push him. Besides not knowing where it’s going yet, he has 4 kids. Do you know for sure if his kids are not with him for New Years? Even if they aren’t, he might want them or ex might ask him to take kids, maybe she wants to have fun without kids too. Also since he is broke and is in a career transition, he might not want to spend on concert tickets. With 4 kids he is likely spending on Christmas gifts.

2. Option 2 is if you want to do things, you can make your own plans with friends or family or alone. You don’t need to spend NY eve with him if you don’t want to wait. It’s just one evening. It’s no big deal to enjoy it without him. My husband works odd hours as everyone in medical field so I make my own plans all the time. Well not all the time but often

Ha, you're right. I've taken this thread off topic a bit. Maybe I'll start a new thread on dating advice. lol.

That is too bad it didn't work out for you. I did that with my prior boyfriend. We were exactly the same. It was intense at first. But the long distance hid certain things about him from me.

So I think you're talking about the pitfalls of long distance relationships.

You make a good point about online vs offline experiences. There are creeps everywhere. My original question was whether online dating is even worthwhile, or is it just full of creeps. I found a good man from online dating that I am seeing now. Only time will tell if he is truly a good man, but he has proven himself to be one so far. I feel I got lucky with this experience though, and that it's not often this way online.

Thanks Divine!

I'm pretty sure he will not be with his kids since he's the one who brought up going to this concert together. Cost may not be an issue since it was his idea initially?

I could definitely spend NYE with friends instead.