I couldn't think of a better title for this thread, but I'm angry at the moment. And there are few things in this world that can make me angry. My mother being one of them.

She is so toxic and has been my while life. I noticed again this evening just how different and open and friendly I am with friends, and how tense and stressed and how my walls are always up around my mother and family.

I mean, what kind of parent tells their own child that "maybe it would have been best if you were never born"? And that just a year ago.

My whole life and especially as a child, I had to live with her explosions and her drama. Taking everything out on me and blaming me for everything, and always making everything about her.

And her manipulations. I mean, my mom was shoving me up against walls threatening to punch my lights out when I was 14, and I ended up trying to run away. And she was furious and said if I was so unhappy living with her, she could pack my bags and I could live out on the street and fend for myself.

She tried to get me committed to a mental hospital when I tried to run away. And many years later, my therapist asked me, "so nobody asked WHY you ran away?", and she was right. My mom was so busy trying to take any focus off her and her responsibility and tried to make it out that I was the one who had the problems - when I was just trying to get away from her and her abuse.

And it's crap like this that I've dealt with my whole life with her.

And honestly, the worst part of it was how trapped I felt then. I tried to tell a school counselor about it and he called in a 'conference' with my mother and I, which she lied the whole time, and he wouldn't believe me that she was doing that.

And it's times like this that I honestly think that some people are just not fit to be parents and should just not have children.

It is so hard and I have really tried to forgive her for everything. But I don't see how or why I should stay in a relationshop with a toxic person that will never change. Cause it doesn't matter at all what I do, as long as they never change, nothing will ever change, and it never has.

I got angry with my friend who said that I should stay in a relationship with her regardless. Cause he doesn't understand that staying in contact with her constantly picks at those scabs that never get to heal.

When truth is, I want nothing at all to do with her. I can't freaking stand her. And I feel guilt for feeling that way, but I just can't stand having her in my life any more.

People don't realize just how badly children need unconditional love and support, and how much that can affect them through their entire lives by not getting even those basic needs met, let alone having to live through abuse.

This is one of the few things that make me angry. Especially seeing children mistreated by their parents, cause I know what that is like.

And you know, to be honest, I'm glad I can't have children myself and never did, because I know I would have been a terrible parent myself, and I fully recognize that.

Nothing else to say. I'm just angry at the moment.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I understand childhood neglect n childhood abuse. I received them both to varying degrees. I have forgiven - but that is not the same as what your friend equates it with.

Forgiveness does not mean "ok, it is done n over - I survived, so it's alright". Forgiveness is saying "Yes, it happened. Yes, it changed me. Now I get to decide what I want to do with those changes because the past no longer controls me."
You can opt to keep her in your life totally, only partially, or not at all. That decision can be changed later if you want. You are in control. But to regain control - forgiveness must take place. For you, not her.

❤

^ ^ Thanks. Forgiving is the hard part. Still, I want to move on from this relationship regardless.

[Crazy Hitch]

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. What strategies do you have in mind to keep your distance for the time being ?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by _nullandvoid_

^ ^ Thanks. Forgiving is the hard part. Still, I want to move on from this relationship regardless.

I agree, it is very hard. I had a therapist once that had me write a letter - that I would never send. You address it to the person who hurt you (your mom), explain how you remember feeling about you n her before she hurt you in detail, then describe all the ways she hurt you in detail (not just the actions n words she spoke - but any thoughts n feeling you had during the harm as well), then describe in detail how it still affects you, then - explain if you were to see her now what you would need in order to "feel good again"

Then end with "I forgive you"

After you have written it all ... Save it n re-read it til it no longer hurts. You don't have to (n should not) do it all at once. Do it a little at a time. When it starts hurting too much - put it away awhile.

It's not that it hurts, it's just a source of anger and great frustration for me. I gave up on her long ago.

Until a few years ago I blamed myself and accepted the blame for everything. I did things too, though.

My sister left the family many years ago, and I totally support her and understand her decision with that, though the family doesn't.

I just still to this day at times feel responsibile for her, just like I felt as a kid. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her or right in her eyes, and I just shut off to her as a kid.

All that is left are my childhood feelings of anger and resentment, which is hard to let go of. I don't love her. Though I do want the best for her, but I want to remove myself from her life.

I don't like conflict, so I'd just disappear and ghost her.

I was just feeling angry at the time I started this thread and just wanted to vent. Thanks for the replies though.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by _nullandvoid_

It's not that it hurts, it's just a source of anger and great frustration for me. I gave up on her long ago.

Until a few years ago I blamed myself and accepted the blame for everything. I did things too, though.

My sister left the family many years ago, and I totally support her and understand her decision with that, though the family doesn't.

I just still to this day at times feel responsibile for her, just like I felt as a kid. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her or right in her eyes, and I just shut off to her as a kid.

All that is left are my childhood feelings of anger and resentment, which is hard to let go of. I don't love her. Though I do want the best for her, but I want to remove myself from her life.

I don't like conflict, so I'd just disappear and ghost her.

I was just feeling angry at the time I started this thread and just wanted to vent. Thanks for the replies though.

When I was talking about the hurt - its hurt you end up feeling bc you relive it as you write about it.

Are you feeling better now?

I am, thank you.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Good then

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by _nullandvoid_

I couldn't think of a better title for this thread, but I'm angry at the moment. And there are few things in this world that can make me angry. My mother being one of them.

She is so toxic and has been my whole life. I noticed again this evening just how different and open and friendly I am with friends, and how tense and stressed and how my walls are always up around my mother and family.

I mean, what kind of parent tells their own child that "maybe it would have been best if you were never born"? And that just a year ago.

My whole life and especially as a child, I had to live with her explosions and her drama. Taking everything out on me and blaming me for everything, and always making everything about her.

And her manipulations. I mean, my mom was shoving me up against walls threatening to punch my lights out when I was 14, and I ended up trying to run away. And she was furious and said if I was so unhappy living with her, she could pack my bags and I could live out on the street and fend for myself.

She tried to get me committed to a mental hospital when I tried to run away. And many years later, my therapist asked me, "so nobody asked WHY you ran away?", and she was right. My mom was so busy trying to take any focus off her and her responsibility and tried to make it out that I was the one who had the problems - when I was just trying to get away from her and her abuse.

And it's crap like this that I've dealt with my whole life with her.

And honestly, the worst part of it was how trapped I felt then. I tried to tell a school counselor about it and he called in a 'conference' with my mother and I, which she lied the whole time, and he wouldn't believe me that she was doing that.

And it's times like this that I honestly think that some people are just not fit to be parents and should just not have children.

It is so hard and I have really tried to forgive her for everything. But I don't see how or why I should stay in a relationshop with a toxic person that will never change. Cause it doesn't matter at all what I do, as long as they never change, nothing will ever change, and it never has.

I got angry with my friend who said that I should stay in a relationship with her regardless. Cause he doesn't understand that staying in contact with her constantly picks at those scabs that never get to heal.

She is so toxic and has been my while life. I noticed again this evening just how different and open and friendly I am with friends, and how tense and stressed and how my walls are always up around my mother and family.

People don't realize just how badly children need unconditional love and support, and how much that can affect them through their entire lives by not getting even those basic needs met, let alone having to live through abuse.

This is one of the few things that make me angry. Especially seeing children mistreated by their parents, cause I know what that is like.

And you know, to be honest, I'm glad I can't have children myself and never did, because I know I would have been a terrible parent myself, and I fully recognize that.

Nothing else to say. I'm just angry at the moment.

You have managed to articulate a lot of important things in this rant. Good for you!!

You are correct in that some people should not have children. This is also true where some people should not have a dog or pets or a horse because they don't know anything about what it takes to train and care for these animals.

There are a lot of good points in this rant where you are paying attention to details and behaviors that are the wrong thing to say to a child. You are correct in that one thing a good parent never says to their child is "maybe it would have been best if you had never been born". It's important to realize that this statement is NOT about you, instead this is all about your mother and what she is saying about HERSELF.

It's important to rant like this and to even notice that yes, you do better with strangers and friends than you do with your mother. It's also important to learn to understand that when your mother or anyone constantly makes it "about them" what they are saying about themselves is that they are frustrated and inexperienced and don't have the knowledge and personal skills to respond to you in healthy ways.

Also, when it comes to school and teachers and counselors even, it's important to understand that even when someone is educated and put in an authority position, it doesn't mean that person is understanding and a good parent/mentor material either.

She is so toxic and has been my while life. I noticed again this evening just how different and open and friendly I am with friends, and how tense and stressed and how my walls are always up around my mother and family.

You don't have to LIKE your parent as a person. You don't have to feel GUILTY if you don't like your parent either, or anyone for that matter. If you are feeling tense and stressed and walled up around your mother and other family members, it's an indication you don't feel "safe" to grow and develop as your own person around these people, also that you are not and have not gotten respect for trying to develop into your OWN personal identity.

A parent is responsible for raising a child to feel SAFE and to help that child learn to develop to be their OWN person. Also, that is what teachers are supposed to help with too in helping children learn a lot of things so these children can gain knowledge that will help them become their own person and slowly figure out what things they are drawn to and can be good at doing. A parent is also supposed to present the child with structures that help to build up that child's self esteem. UNFORTUNATELY, a lot of parents simply do not understand what "healthy self esteem" is and that you don't promote healthy self esteem by talking down to your child or expecting the child to fill the parent's needs.

The most challenging part of parenting does take place when their child is a teenager and begins experimenting and using whatever skills they have learned not just in what they learn in school, but what they experience with their piers too. This is a challenging time in that it is these teenage years where there is still a lot of narcissism because of the stage of development this age group is at. We have learned that the brain itself doesn't mature until around age 25.

What you need to understand is that we are all born as "navigators". We all gradually learn our own body parts and to slowly figure out how to use them too. Our brains are designed to slowly form a "map" so that as this mental map slowly takes shape, we each have more to navigate by. We also have certain genetic traits in within these genetic traits there is always something we tend to be good at and as we get exposed to all kinds of things around us, we are supposed to learn what we have a tendency to be good at.

This rant is your anger and frustration about what your mother is NOT GOOD AT that has a bad affect on you. You have gotten to a point in developing your own mental map where you are realizing how your mother is a tool that is on your map that doesn't help you with your quest to self discover and develop your own sense of healthy self esteem. We are all designed to learn the places we have to venture through that are bad patches/experiences and slow down our progress. You are not going to change your mother, just as you can't change a mountain or when a stream is in your path. So, the only thing you can do is "learn" how to work around that obstacle. Your mother is not the only individual you will come across that doesn't really help you and is someone you prefer to avoid and no longer give her significant power over you emotionally, because what she consistently shows you is that she doesn't know HOW to add to your map in a way that is positive.

Rants are good, especially if you write them out so you can read them back and see the things you have identified as a source of what you are angry about. This gives you a chance to look at what you can fix and what you can't fix. It's also good if you understand "why" you can't FIX her and sit and make a conscious decision in your own mental map to no longer give her the power to hurt you with her LACK OF KNOWLEDGE that tends to challenge you.

^ ^ Thank you, I really appreciate it.