Help a girl out

How do you get someone to trust you again after you cheated on them twice, sent death threats to a person in their life they cared about and called them fat?


People really do change, and i have. I´m so much better now and i want him to see that. How do i prove to him i´ve truly changed?
If you´ve been hurt by a partner in the past, would you ever trust them again? If so, what would they need to do to prove themselves to you?

If someone cheated on me twice, sent death threats to my loved ones and called me fat, I'd be running in the opposite direction and not looking back. No matter how many times you apologize, what you did is very extreme and most would not give a second chance. The best you can do is apologize but respect their wishes if they want to have no contact with you.

[mcluckie93]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

Help a girl out

How do you get someone to trust you again after you cheated on them twice, sent death threats to people they love and called them fat?


People really do change, and i have. I´m so much better now and i want him to see that. How do i prove to him i´ve truly changed?
If you´ve been hurt by a partner in the past, would you ever trust them again? If so, what would they need to do to prove themselves to you?

My ex cheated on me over twice, never got any death threats though..

Needless to say, we will never be together, and it's been about 7 years before we can be civil about things.

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

If someone cheated on me twice, sent death threats to my loved ones and called me fat, I'd be running in the opposite direction and not looking back. No matter how many times you apologize, what you did is very extreme and most would not give a second chance. The best you can do is apologize but respect their wishes if they want to have no contact with you.

I completely understand that, and i´d do the same thing. But he still talks to me after all of it, which i think means he´s trusting me a bit more again. I know it´s hard to believe but people do really change, i´ve been in therapy and everything. Thank you for your reply!

[divine1966]

Are you talking about that horrible abusive man????

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

I completely understand that, and i´d do the same thing. But he still talks to me after all of it, which i think means he´s trusting me a bit more again. I know it´s hard to believe but people do really change, i´ve been in therapy and everything. Thank you for your reply!

That is awesome that you've found therapy to be helpful. If the relationship can be rekindled and truly forgiven, I'd say by all means go for it. Just keep in mind that they are taking a big risk in doing that, it may be hard/awkward at first but things should get better over time.

[All Is Revealed]

Make sure you don't go back to your old tricks by calling him nasty names. You are fortunate that he still speaks to you. As long as things are calm between you two, his trust will slowly be regained.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Are you talking about that horrible abusive man????

Hehhhh....Yes. You´re onto me. Even if one was abused, (me, maybe, at some point, a bit) doesn´t excuse my harmful behaviors, agreed? I still cheated on him twice and did many other bad things toward him.
I agree he and i should probably not be in a relationship together again, but i do want him to see that i´ve changed, improved, gotten healthier. That all the times he tried to help me were not in vain.

Originally Posted by All Is Revealed

Make sure you don't go back to your old tricks by calling him nasty names. You are fortunate that he still speaks to you. As long as things are calm between you two, his trust will slowly be regained.

Sorry for spamming my own thread. I never actually called him fat, i told him i didn´t know i was physically attracted to him and that maybe we should just be friends. He perceived it as me telling him he was fat and honestly i thought it too in my head but never actually said it. i feel so guilty about everything i did, i hurt him so much.

[Misssy2]

Curious fluffy...how long has it been since you had done those things? I'm trying to figure out how much recovery you have had?

Cause my boyfriend..didn't really cheat on me...but did betray me by being with women that I did not want him around...and he had done it more than 1x.

I struggle with ever being able to trust him again...Not because I feel like he doesn't love me enough...but because if this is his personality...and his need to always be around people...so that when I am not around...he searches these people out....THAN HOW...can I expect he has changed...this is part of WHO he is...needy and doesnt' know how to spend time with himself.

These things don't change over night. I've told him in order for me to consider rekindling a relationship with me...I need to know that he has attended at least 2 therapy sessions (this is a little different because MEN don't usually seek therapy so if he does I will be impressed by that...as women usually are already in therapy).

If this guy is even WILLING to rekindle with you...I think you have to do some things for a period of time until you earn his trust back...Like being an open book...letting him have full access to your phone...email passwords..and even to go so far as installing LIFE360 on your phones.

LIFE360 is a FREE phone app that is a map locator...so when you leave your house...the app..tracks your travel and gives exact locations as to your whereabouts.

If I decide to rekindle my relationship...He (my b/f) will need 360 on his phone...You can "disable" 360 and my boyfriend has in the past. I would have to tell my boyfriend the first time he disabled the 360...I would have serious problems with that and at that point would be unwilling to continue a relationship with him.

Also..again..your talking about a guy...but for me as a woman...If I start to rekindle this...things such as SEX are not going to be the "same" for a while. I know for sure there will be a period of time that I am not going to be in the "giving" mood..as I get flashes of wonder during sex if he has done these things with other women and it makes sex very uncomfortable for me..which rekindles my anger at the situation.

My concern is...for you...is that you seem to be more excited about showing "your changes"...and I"m not sure if you really "love" this person or if you are just feeling guilty for what you have done to this person and feel a strong need to make some stuff up to him?

Also, your changes...if your talking a month or two of working on yourself....than that is not long enough for a person to truly change....

I also know as the person being cheated on when I was younger...not in this situation...I had this real desire to get "even" with my partner..and did go out and cheat to make myself feel better....So are you worried about any retaliation in that way?

I do think if you want to work on this...Life360 is a big help in helping him feel secure about your whereabouts..until you both get to a place of less hostility about this situation

Originally Posted by Misssy2

Curious fluffy...how long has it been since you had done those things? I'm trying to figure out how much recovery you have had?

Cause my boyfriend..didn't really cheat on me...but did betray me by being with women that I did not want him around...and he had done it more than 1x.

I struggle with ever being able to trust him again...Not because I feel like he doesn't love me enough...but because if this is his personality...and his need to always be around people...so that when I am not around...he searches these people out....THAN HOW...can I expect he has changed...this is part of WHO he is...needy and doesnt' know how to spend time with himself.

These things don't change over night. I've told him in order for me to consider rekindling a relationship with me...I need to know that he has attended at least 2 therapy sessions (this is a little different because MEN don't usually seek therapy so if he does I will be impressed by that...as women usually are already in therapy).

If this guy is even WILLING to rekindle with you...I think you have to do some things for a period of time until you earn his trust back...Like being an open book...letting him have full access to your phone...email passwords..and even to go so far as installing LIFE360 on your phones.

LIFE360 is a FREE phone app that is a map locator...so when you leave your house...the app..tracks your travel and gives exact locations as to your whereabouts.

If I decide to rekindle my relationship...He (my b/f) will need 360 on his phone...You can "disable" 360 and my boyfriend has in the past. I would have to tell my boyfriend the first time he disabled the 360...I would have serious problems with that and at that point would be unwilling to continue a relationship with him.

Also..again..your talking about a guy...but for me as a woman...If I start to rekindle this...things such as SEX are not going to be the "same" for a while. I know for sure there will be a period of time that I am not going to be in the "giving" mood..as I get flashes of wonder during sex if he has done these things with other women and it makes sex very uncomfortable for me..which rekindles my anger at the situation.

My concern is...for you...is that you seem to be more excited about showing "your changes"...and I"m not sure if you really "love" this person or if you are just feeling guilty for what you have done to this person and feel a strong need to make some stuff up to him?

Also, your changes...if your talking a month or two of working on yourself....than that is not long enough for a person to truly change....

I also know as the person being cheated on when I was younger...not in this situation...I had this real desire to get "even" with my partner..and did go out and cheat to make myself feel better....So are you worried about any retaliation in that way?

I do think if you want to work on this...Life360 is a big help in helping him feel secure about your whereabouts..until you both get to a place of less hostility about this situation

Wow, thank you for your reply! Well, cheating is bad no matter what but i didn´t cheat on him irl, at least. I was 15 and now i´m 18, we were exclusive and in an online relationship. I sexted some other men. I regret it a lot, and his self confidence REALLY took a blow. He was very hurt and i feel so bad...

In my case, i cheated because i was sad and felt ugly. It was a very destructive behavior, i´d seek out these sadist old men online in order to hurt myself. Been in therapy for years, so that´s certainly changed. I do still like attention, but i´d never cheat on someone again.

I´m not sure i love him. There´s been so many weird sad things in our relationship. I think we both abused each other. Maybe i´m just seeking forgiveness...
It sounds weird but i almost wish he´d hook up with some random girl. It´d feel like we were even. Of course i´d be hurt but. I wonder if it´s what he needs.

I´m not so sure about that life app you´re mentioning. He´s been controlling in the past, used to have (kinda still does tbh) have all of my passwords. I´m using this site through a private browser, if he found out i was on here he´d.....not be pleased.

Your boyfriend never cheated on you, but you think it´s a good solution to get that app that checks up on him? Not trying to be rude, i just wonder if it´ll make you distrust him even more, make you obsessed with every little thing he does..... I don´t know. Love is so complicated

[divine1966]

To all honesty taking in consideration what kind of awful vile degrading things he says to you and how horribly he behave with you (slapping you etc) it’s only understandable that you snapped and said things or he assumed you said those things (like called him fat whrn yiu did not ).

He says you are dumb and worthless, should you really worry that he maybe thought that you maybe meant he is fat?

As about cheating. If you aren’t a couple I am not sure what you mean. You’ve only met him once and that one time he treated you horribly (slapping you and throwing stuff at you). If you only saw this person once it’s not really a relationship so how can you possibly cheat on him? You were talking to someone online, someone who wasn’t even nice. It isn’t really a relationship

Are you trying to minimize abuse you endure by saying it’s yoor own fault? When do you start seeing a therapist?

Originally Posted by divine1966

To all honesty taking in consideration what kind of awful vile degrading things he says to you and how horribly he behave with you (slapping you etc) it’s only understandable that you snapped and said things or he assumed you said those things (like called him fat whrn yiu did not ).

He says you are dumb and worthless, should you really worry that he maybe thought that you maybe meant he is fat?

As about cheating. If you aren’t a couple I am not sure what you mean. You’ve only met him once and that one time he treated you horribly (slapping you and throwing stuff at you). If you only saw this person once it’s not really a relationship so how can you possibly cheat on him? You were talking to someone online, someone who wasn’t even nice. It isn’t really a relationship

Are you trying to minimize abuse you endure by saying it’s yoor own fault? When do you start seeing a therapist?

Oh my god Divine, you make me so confused. I mean, everything you wrote made sense and is kind of true, i think...? God i´m such a mess, haha. I still did cheat on him though, i think. And cheating is never okay. Although it was so long ago, i can´t remember if we were boyfriend and girlfriend back then. Maybe we were just sexting, i don´t know.........I don´t know the facts exactly. All i know is that i feel guilty and i did something bad.

So you don´t think i´m a horrible person..............?
Also, this "Sir" has been treating me much kindly lately which made the need to seek out therapy less. But i can´t promise he´ll stay sweet, so maybe it´s smart to go to a therapist anyways. It can be my goal for this week!

[divine1966]

I don’t think you are a horrible person at all. I think you ought to seek help in figuring out why you are putting up with abuse anc why are enjoying being degraded and mistreated and you are hanging on to this boy who is absolutely no good and brings no value to your life.

Sexting to other people while in actual relationship isn’t a good idea at all but your situation is very different. Even if you consider yourself his girlfriend it was hardly a relationship. You were 15 and you’ve met him once. No one I met once in my life would be considered my boyfriend.

Therapy might help you to learn making real life friendships

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t think you are a horrible person at all. I think you ought to seek help in figuring out why you are putting up with abuse anc why are enjoying being degraded and mistreated and you are hanging on to this boy who is absolutely no good and brings no value to your life.

Sexting to other people while in actual relationship isn’t a good idea at all but your situation is very different. Even if you consider yourself his girlfriend it was hardly a relationship. You were 15 and you’ve met him once. No one I met once in my life would be considered my boyfriend.

Therapy might help you to learn making real life friendships

Well, truuuuuuuuuuuue. Internet friends can be good but most aka all of my internet friends have been boys with other intentions. Girls don´t seem to like me.

I just want him to forgive me for the hurt i caused him. It´d feel so good to receive forgiveness. He said he had forgive me for my past actions, yet when we talk sometimes he brings up "don´t cheat like you did before"
SOMEONE SEND DIS BOY TO THERAPY AS WELL PLZ

[Misssy2]

hey fluff....It is important for me when I provide feedback to know age because things change so much as we get older. Thank you for sharing the information.

I think that you were very young when this was occuring...and it is not usual that someone will stay with one person from the age of 15 throughout the rest of their lives.

It seems there s more wrong with this relationship than your issues...he has issues too. Controlliing behavior is not healthy.

Do I think the app will make me more crazy? I certainly do...but my situation is different than you. I am 53 and if he wants to be with me it will be on my terms and nothing else.

For you...you did this 3 years ago...you are not a BAD person...you were a young teenager..craving attention...I"m glad you have gotten help and seek attention less.

I think it is time to forgive yourself and stop letting this be held over your head.

I also think it is time to let this relationship go...and go your seperate ways...too much is wrong with it.

I know there are people that DO stay together from a young age..and last a lifetime...but this is rare and they don't usually START out with problems like this.

Realize you are a growing adult....learn from your mistakes..have more respect for yourself than to be beat up with this for the rest of your life...and ensure and insist that you only stay with "men" that have the utmost respect for you.

Never accept when someone has crossed a line or a boundary with you....because then they will assume that you are ok with being a doormat...And if you end up in another relationship that you are unhappy enough...be grown up enough to confront the situation prior to moving on to the next person.

You will then feel like you are doing the right things...and you will feel better about yourself.

I hope you find happiness one day with the perfect "fit" but this is not the guy in my opinion.

You could start now by telling this guy how much you have learned in this relationship..how special he was in your life but that you think it is time for you both to move on...and then DATE AWAY.

Good luck - fluffy.

Originally Posted by Misssy2

hey fluff....It is important for me when I provide feedback to know age because things change so much as we get older. Thank you for sharing the information.

I think that you were very young when this was occuring...and it is not usual that someone will stay with one person from the age of 15 throughout the rest of their lives.

It seems there s more wrong with this relationship than your issues...he has issues too. Controlliing behavior is not healthy.

Do I think the app will make me more crazy? I certainly do...but my situation is different than you. I am 53 and if he wants to be with me it will be on my terms and nothing else.

For you...you did this 3 years ago...you are not a BAD person...you were a young teenager..craving attention...I"m glad you have gotten help and seek attention less.

I think it is time to forgive yourself and stop letting this be held over your head.

I also think it is time to let this relationship go...and go your seperate ways...too much is wrong with it.

I know there are people that DO stay together from a young age..and last a lifetime...but this is rare and they don't usually START out with problems like this.

Realize you are a growing adult....learn from your mistakes..have more respect for yourself than to be beat up with this for the rest of your life...and ensure and insist that you only stay with "men" that have the utmost respect for you.

Never accept when someone has crossed a line or a boundary with you....because then they will assume that you are ok with being a doormat...And if you end up in another relationship that you are unhappy enough...be grown up enough to confront the situation prior to moving on to the next person.

You will then feel like you are doing the right things...and you will feel better about yourself.

I hope you find happiness one day with the perfect "fit" but this is not the guy in my opinion.

You could start now by telling this guy how much you have learned in this relationship..how special he was in your life but that you think it is time for you both to move on...and then DATE AWAY.

Good luck - fluffy.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice! It´s true my first post didn´t provide much of a context at all, i think deep down i wanted someone to reply that i was a horrible person for cheating. I keep seeking validation for the bad things i think about myself, gotta stop doing that.

And i agree your situation seems a lot different. He and i are not exactly equals. Maybe it´s time to move on and forget the past. I´ll always care about him but it´d be nice to turn a new leaf, or whatever that saying goes.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

Well, truuuuuuuuuuuue. Internet friends can be good but most aka all of my internet friends have been boys with other intentions. Girls don´t seem to like me.

I just want him to forgive me for the hurt i caused him. It´d feel so good to receive forgiveness. He said he had forgive me for my past actions, yet when we talk sometimes he brings up "don´t cheat like you did before"
SOMEONE SEND DIS BOY TO THERAPY AS WELL PLZ

He is being controlling once again. You aren’t in a relationship yet he tells you not to cheat. You can’t cheat on him if you aren’t a couple. He is messing with your head. You didn’t cause him any hurt, he is playing games. Girls wouldn’t put up with this nonsense in real life so he plays games online preying on girls with self esteem issues. Not good. Waste of your time. You are better off working on your own issues. He is of no importance here

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice! It´s true my first post didn´t provide much of a context at all, i think deep down i wanted someone to reply that i was a horrible person for cheating. I keep seeking validation for the bad things i think about myself, gotta stop doing that.

And i agree your situation seems a lot different. He and i are not exactly equals. Maybe it´s time to move on and forget the past. I´ll always care about him but it´d be nice to turn a new leaf, or whatever that saying goes.

Its ok to remain friends..just hurry up and break up before you get to a point where you will dislike each other so much that you can't even be friends.

Your right..you need to start thinking what is GOOD about yourself...because if you don't value yourself...you are going to continue to attract people that also don't value you....that's a fact.

The next person in your life does not need you pointing out your own flaws...you are a "catch"...smart, funny and willing to learn more about yourself before commiting to a long term relationship.

Find ways to build your self esteem...karate? aerobics? yoga? Do something that you enjoy because when you venture out and make yourself part of life...your not so self absorbed or even worse...basing all your worth off of what some GUY thinks of you.

I just want to give you these "lessons" that I wish I had learned when I was younger...You put this b/f aside..and focus on you and what you want to do with your life...

And put all your energy into you and when you are stronger...you will see you will attract much more appealing/healthy men.

Originally Posted by Misssy2

Its ok to remain friends..just hurry up and break up before you get to a point where you will dislike each other so much that you can't even be friends.

Your right..you need to start thinking what is GOOD about yourself...because if you don't value yourself...you are going to continue to attract people that also don't value you....that's a fact.

The next person in your life does not need you pointing out your own flaws...you are a "catch"...smart, funny and willing to learn more about yourself before commiting to a long term relationship.

Find ways to build your self esteem...karate? aerobics? yoga? Do something that you enjoy because when you venture out and make yourself part of life...your not so self absorbed or even worse...basing all your worth off of what some GUY thinks of you.

I just want to give you these "lessons" that I wish I had learned when I was younger...You put this b/f aside..and focus on you and what you want to do with your life...

And put all your energy into you and when you are stronger...you will see you will attract much more appealing/healthy men.

Awwww thank you! Your advice means a lot to me. It feels special to receive advice from someone much older than me. (Not calling you old hehe, i´m the one who is barely an adult!)
I´ll just focus on myself, and on school. God knows i should probably get to writing that important essay asap...

[LittleEarthquakes]

Originally Posted by Fluffyraincloud

I completely understand that, and i´d do the same thing. But he still talks to me after all of it, which i think means he´s trusting me a bit more again. I know it´s hard to believe but people do really change, i´ve been in therapy and everything. Thank you for your reply!

Just because he's talking to you doesn't mean he's trusting you more.

Originally Posted by LittleEarthquakes

Just because he's talking to you doesn't mean he's trusting you more.

You have a point...Just, it´s been a year. I know learning to trust again takes a lot of time. I miss him so much, i can´t describe it. He´s still scared of me, even if he´s acting a lot more friendly. Still has me blocked on instagram and told me recently to not search for his friends. I´ve never been cheated on so i don´t know how it feels.

[brokenandalone1234]

I am working on this too. I admitted to my fiance one night in a fit of rage that I had feelings for an ex coworker I say ex coworker as I was fired from said job due to a issue unrelated to this guy. I discovered though after I was fired that I never really had feelings for said coworker but that I only ever fell for him because my fiance was not giving me attention and I was feeling unloved and unwanted. The other guy made me feel like I was wanted. I am very glad though that I never left my fiance of 5 years for him. A 22 year old and a 27 year old would never of worked out. My fiance is slowly trusting me again but it has taken a ton of work. I think the whole situation has made us stronger as a couple. I tell this story only to let you know it isn't easy. I had my phone set up for a while where not only did my text messages and phone calls come to my phone but my fiance got a copy of them through an app I installed. I gave him my Facebook password and downloaded all my content from the start of that Facebook account which I started it 5 months before my fiance and I met until the day I downloaded everything. I even allowed him to put a lock on my phone so when he was at work I could only receive calls. I did this all on the advice of my mom. You may have to jump through hoops to gain his trust again but trust me if you love this guy it will be all worth it it was for me.