I am not really sure why I feel this way. I know that I am different from most people. Some have even called me odd or weird. But I admit there is a part of me that really enjoys that.

I think it might be because my whole life I have felt so constrained by social norms and pressures. I've felt rejected and like the outsider my whole life, and always felt like I had to put myself aside and wear masks with others and just be what everyone wanted me to be to find any modicum of acceptance (and I admit too, on some level, avoiding conflict with others - which I strongly dislike - by hiding undesirable traits of myself from others).

It started from my earliest years of life with my mother and own family. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough for them. I lived with unrealistic expectations, and constant criticisms - from them, that only persisted with my peers later in life as I got older. With even being teased and outright bullied.

On one hand, I do desire acceptance, but on the other, I feel so much freedom in just accepting who I am and being able to just be myself - even at the expense of having relationships with others.

I guess how I really feel, is that I prefer by and large to be by myself. I feel like only at home and alone can I relax and just be me.

I have always felt indifferent to social norms - even secretly mocking them and looking down on them - feeling free from those constraints and unable to care about them like others do. Like people's love for sports, or the buying frenzies of the holiday seasons where everyone feels like they have to buy that perfect gift for every single person in their life - cause everyone else does it and so they feel compelled to follow the herd and crowd and what all those advertisements that bombard everyone tells them to do.

Yes, I do feel free from that, and in a way I suppose, better than that.

I like that I don't have the same desires as most. And yet, somewhere inside me, is still that yearning and cry for people to just accept me. Just accept me for me and not what YOU want me to be. Barring that, I'd much rather just be alone.

At times in my life I really resented others and hated society for the way I was treated. And I guess at some point early in my childhood I finally just said screw it with everyone and turned inward and that switch got turned off.

But, I still cannot ignore the fact that I do feel lonely still some times and depressed. But I just have such a hard time with relating to others, and to be honest, caring about them. People are social and emotional beings, and naturally expect an empathetic response when they open up to you and share themselves with you.

Yet that is something that never moves me emotionally. I have been that way my entire life, unable to feel empathy for others, and so I always pretend with people. Because truth is, I don't want them to think of me in a negative way, especially when I mean nothing bad or malevolent by it - I just am unable to feel that way for people. Feelings for people are always shallow and fleeting at best.

So as I have always done, I just wear masks with people. Pretend and feign empathy and emotion and interest, cause I feel like that's as deep and as far as I can get with anyone.

I've spent a lot of time thinking lately about relationships and romantic relationships especially. Where I really am at in all of that, what I really want.

So why am I writing this? I don't know why really. On one hand, I want to share myself with others. I do want acceptance on some level. But as with any expectations on me, I'm so tired of wearing masks with people and I'm tired of pretending. To the point that if removing my mask would illicit my rejection, I'd much rather just stay alone.

I like expressing myself, and on some level I want to be heard. But beyond that, I'm not really sure what it is I really want with posting this.

I admit though, for whatever reason when people start accepting me, I sabotage it. I guess I just can't stand getting close to anyone. I want it, yet I prefer more to keep everyone at arm's length.

IMO, it's easier to take your mask off here because you are somewhat anonymous. It can also be helpful just to write privately/for yourself.

I wonder if by feeling "different" you are saying you don't feel accepted. You might be more accepted than you realize but are just struggling in some way. For instance, for a couple of years after I attempted, whenever I was in a crowd, I felt like if anyone knew what I had done, I would not be accepted. I felt like I was different than nearly everyone else with the exception of others at PC who were also suicidal like I was. So I hope that we make you feel accepted and unconstrained when you post here.

[leejosepho]

I have always felt like an alien or mis-fit with an accumulation of masks, and that was fine for many years...but then neither I nor anyone else has ever actually figured out who is behind them and that leaves me in a rather lonely place -- no sense of belonging anywhere -- now that I am too old to wear any of them. A solution for that could be found in some sort of mis-fits' club or whatever, but the wearing of masks is too tempting or distracting for most who would be eligible for membership.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts... interesting thread. When I was young, I was always torn between wanting to be social, on the one hand, & needing to have a lot of space around me on the other. Now that I'm older I just want to be left alone. Speaking of masks, I've worn mine for so many decades I don't believe I'd know how to take it off even if the opportunity arose... it won't...

[Open Eyes]

I like that I don't have the same desires as most. And yet, somewhere inside me, is still that yearning and cry for people to just accept me. Just accept me for me and not what YOU want me to be. Barring that, I'd much rather just be alone.

Unfortunately, what happens is when it comes to a society (culture) there is this push to have members of that society fit into a structure and ideal and that can put pressure on a person to try to be something they are simply not set up to be. For example, if the "ideal" to fit in and be accepted is based on color and a person has the wrong skin color, that can impede that person's ability to be accepted just based on that alone which is not something a person can change.

I happened to watch a documentary yesterday about Micheal Jackson and it was actually incredible to learn about the journey he had to take to FINALLY be recognized for the amazing talent he had. He was so incredibly talented, brilliant really, yet he had so many obstacles that many don't realize he had to figure out how to get around before he got the recognition for the amazing talent that he was world wide. As talented as he was, he gradually became more comfortable being a bit of a recluse. Also, because his father began using him at such a young age, he never really got to have a normal childhood, so he never really matured in certain areas developmentally. Also, because he was often put down for his skin color, and was picked on for his nose, he was never allowed to just be comfortable with his own presence. This led to him engaging in partaking in too much plastic surgery where he began to look strange. The sad part about that is that he was NEVER ugly or bad looking.

When someone is picked on at a very young age or pushed into things they are really not mentally ready for, this can lead to a distorted way of trying to overcome the injuries that presents in an individual psychologically.

One of the things I did not know is that when Micheal Jackson was filming that pepsi commercial and the pyrotechnics happened to catch his hair on fire that was full of flammable chemicals to get his hair to maintain a certain look, he suffered a lot of damage to his scalp. He was burned so bad he was in a lot of pain and had to take a lot of strong pain killers, that was the beginning of him becoming addicted to these drugs. He never was able to stop using these drugs that was what eventually the cause of his early death. Truth is that he was bald from this damage and had to wear wigs and even used glue in an effort to make what he managed to put together for hair to make it look natural. When he was taken away in an ambulance and being wheeled to be treated in the emergency hospital the one thing he worried about and asked for is to cover his head and to give him his glove to wear (remember one of his trademarks was to wear one glove). By him getting that glove put on his hand, it made him feel "safe" where he held onto his own identity which that glove was a part of "his" identity that was unique to him.

So, it's not WRONG or even strange for you to want to embrace your own "identity" in whatever way you "feel" your own identity as long as your identity isn't about causing harm to others. You are not alone in having the desire to be appreciated and respected for who you are either, in fact that is a very basic human desire. And you are correct in how some of the ideals presented that are supposed to men "someone is special and worthy of respect" can be rather dumb.

Thanks for the replies everyone. It was just some thoughts I wanted to get out.

There has always been a particular disparity in me, between wanting to be accepted so much that I just mirror and become what others want me to be (and having a real people pleaser syndrome) to just harboring secret attitudes (opposite of those feelings) and a real longing for independence and autonomy.

I hope what I say makes sense. But there was such a disparity and conflict inside me between those two ideals, that it really led me to be so inauthentic with others. All the while harboring secret attitudes and even resentment toward people and their social ideals, that really inwardly I did not share.

But I just towed the line with people. Was a people pleaser, and as a result, could never be assertive or stand up for myself.

The 15 years I spent in hermitude were fine. I used the internet to fill the need, and maintain very limited and distant relationships with people. Though safer yes, I realize in hindsight the need wasn't really all that great to begin with.

And I suppose that was really the whole point of this thread, that I feel like in many ways I have come full circle with myself.

I realize that those 15 years that I spent alone, I felt safe and removed from those lifelong social and rejection issues. I felt okay with ME.

My whole life people at various times have tried to fix my introversion. Telling me I need friends or need to stop being a wallflower. But it goes beyond just avoiding uncomfortable feelings and rejection issues (which I admit is my biggest issue of all), it's that I desire isolation and feel okay with it. Not just a sense of relief from having avoiding those feelings outright.

If that all makes sense. But thank you for the thoughtful replies.

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

So I hope that we make you feel accepted and unconstrained when you post here.

Definitely is a lot better than another forum I came from. I kind of wish I found this place a lot sooner.

[All Is Revealed]

It's great to be different from others. Who wants to be a cheap copy of someone else? I'm glad that most of us know that we are beautiful. We don't need others to tells us that we're ugly. When we start to believe everyone's lies, then we do become ugly like them.