I Feel Stupid and Ashamed

So, I am dating again, but am still reflecting on my last relationship.

I feel SO incredibly STUPID and ASHAMED of myself. I know I cannot and should not beat myself up, but I AM.

I fed into my ex's proclamations of true love and all of his empty promises. I didn't know they were empty at the time, but I fed into ALL of it, hook line and sinker. He fed me lines, and I ate up ALL of it.

What I am most ashamed of was my great need to be loved. I was in such a needy place at the time, that I ignored ALL red flags because I just wanted to feel loved, to be loved and to be head over heels in love.

It was a whirlwind romance, where I fell for him within a matter of a couple weeks. Within one month, I was head over heels in love. Within two months he was telling me he wanted to marry me and be with me for the rest of his life.

All this tells me is to take it slowly this go around and to LEARN from this big, vast mistake.

But man, do I feel sooooo stupid. $11,000 dollars lost after that relationship.. not that money is everything, but it's not just the money..... it's my feelings of self-respect.

I DID walk away from him, and therefore, my self-respect is at least somewhat salvaged.

I just feel so damn foolish, naive and pathetic for having walked down that plank towards my own demise.

Dammit.... I wish I knew then what I now know of him. I wish I had paid better attention and I wish I had never done that to myself. I did not need that..... I did not need to go through that nightmare and that awful breakup that left me reeling for a long time.

I really did not need this.....

I write on my own happiness blog about forgiving oneself for mistakes. I am struggling with this right now. This was a HUGE BIG FAT mistake that I could have avoided, had my head my screwed on straight, but it wasn't at all. I was not in a good place at the time. I lacked the confidence I now have taken back.

And now I am left with shame, embarrassment and well... I'm just kicking myself for being so damned stupid and pathetic. UGH.

You're not stupid nor pathetic. You've just been in a difficult situation. Now everything is over and that's what matters. That guy is not important anymore..

thank you, Mickey! Guess I am still facing residuals from my last relationship. I am not past it entirely yet...... he's not important anymore, but the lesson is.

If it makes you feel better you are not alone in this. Who needs to be ashamed is him. Not you. People fall victims of crap all the time. All over the world. Smart, educated, decent people. Get lied to and scammed and life goes on.

I am a victim of romance scam. Trust me, it’s worse than your story. Police and FBI told me that I can’t even imagine number of people falling victims of it, educated smart people, all the time.

What I found helpful was to laugh about it. It’s pretty funny if you put certain spin to it. Laugh at it. My brother told me that it’s not embarrassing to be trusting, it’s embarassing to be a$$holes and/or criminals. Not embarrassing to be decent people falling victims of something. Makes sense. You did nothing embarrassing.

Well now I used word victim in criminal sense. In Other sense you shouldn’t feel like s victim. By being ashamed of what happened you allow yourself to think like a victim. Thing happened, you got out, learned something and moved on. You can also think that it could always be worse. You got out on time. Before you got into any legal commitments. So pet yourself on a back!

Divine thank you.... this helps!! I don't want to play the victim here. I was.... well, I put love blinders on and saw only what i wanted to see and feel. Anything else that contradicted my fantasy, I ignored and dismissed.

I do like to think of myself as intelligent, but man, was I stupid this go around. I have been stupid with love before....

As you (and I) just wrote on my other thread, I am going to try to be better next go around and more vigilant.

I am definitely too trusting. I have a very trusting nature and need to learn how to be more.... well, discerning? And to make sure that actions match someone's words, most of all. I need to learn that trust is earned, not given automatically. I trusted my ex automatically. Fatal mistake.

the other thing is..... I know that HE targeted ME. He started replying to my posts on another forum about my ex who had been abusive to me. Abusers target certain people, intentionally. So he targeted me...... he knew I had been abused before and knew I was probably a good target and susceptible.

Well, I am going to learn how to not be a target anymore for these low lifes. NO more.

I’m really sorry this happened to you. Shame on him for being a jerk and a con man! Good for you for walking away! You are intelligent and resilient and I think you’ll come through this a stronger person.

Did you mention you had a date recently? I hope all went well.

thanks Jennifer!!! YES, I will BE stronger and better off because of this experience, and I suppose that is how I need to view this!!!!

I've had FOUR dates recently! All with the same man! He's great so far, and I'm trying to be realistic and keep my feelings in check since I tend to rush relationships!! This time I'm going to do better!!!

That’s really great!!! I so admire you putting yourself back out there. I wish you the best with this lucky new guy.

thank you! I'm nervous and anxious about putting myself out there again, but I am doing it anyways! It's the best way for me to move on and forget about what's his name.

Feeling stupid and ashamed for a while is part of getting it all behind you. You may (perhaps you have already been through this?) have to cry a little bit about it all before you can move on. Because you are acknowledging your mistakes, the pain will eventually fade!

Dear Hoping, that is most wise of you to point out! You're right... this phase is probably a part of my healing and moving on process. I have definitely cried over feeling foolish and for having made such a vast mistake. Hopefully, there are not too many tears left in me, but if there are, I will just have to accept that it's par for the course. Thank you.

Wow, so your ex stole $11K from you? I'd say, give yourself a LOT of time to recover from that relationship before you consider dating or becoming serious with another person.

Don't beat yourself up either. That won't help you heal. It just postpones your emotional healing -- to feel stupid and ashamed.

Anyone in your shoes would feel the way that you do, because of what he put you through. Just don't rush yourself.

Being alone isn't a bad thing. Being alone will strengthen you emotionally again, as you heal. The worst thing you can do, is to put yourself in a position where you are vulnerable to the other person so that he takes advantage of you again.

As you know, men target women they view as weak and vulnerable to their charms and lies. Hopefully, you'll be able to spot those types online (as that seems to be where people now meet each other to date). Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.

God no!!! He did not steal $11K from me. I spent a total of 11K on him supporting him fully and paying for all our trips to see each other. He wasn't working.....however, he did steal meds from me.

I know for me that the best way to get over someone is to start dating other people. Maybe that doesn't make sense to you, but I won't get involved too quickly -- or I will try not to at least. There is one guy I like that I am getting to know better, but I'm also talking to two other people.

I have learned a lesson --- be discerning and like you said, actions must match words!!! I am looking out for any red flags this time. Last time, I ignored all the red flags, so now I am trying to be much more vigilant.

Thanks for your thoughts....

I'm glad you are dating if that helps you. By all means! Just don't foot the bill for any more men, travel-wise. Their actions must match their words. That's the quickest way to determine a person's motives. If their actions match their words. Good luck!

I won't pay for another man again, not like I did! Good Lord. What a disaster.

And thanks.... yes, I am looking out for myself.

I completely agree. This is just another stage. Fingers crossed that it passes quickly. You certainly don't need to feel stupid or ashamed. You behaved impeccably in this relationship. The fault is all his.

THANK YOU for saying this.

The fault IS all his. I was good to him -- too good in fact.

Yes, this too shall pass! I already feel a bit better. Shame spiral yesterday, but today is a brand new day, full of new possibilities and hope! Luckily, emotions and life shift.... thank goodness, right?!?