Giving up on friendship

So I mentioned in a previous post that a friend, who see med to be very controlling, or at least tried to be, just stopped initiating contact with me and bailed out of several plans by making up lame and fishy excuses only to find out she decided to hang out with someone else. I am hurt a bit since I wish she hadn’t been like that and hoped she would have been better tjan other people in the past. But I was wrong. I shouldn’t have trusted her. She would get mad if she got the vibe I didn’t trust her. I told her I did trust her but I secretly think she was just hiding her true colors.

She may reply in short replies if I text her first but even then conversations are just superficial and she cuts off the conversations abruptly. She used to do that back when I first met her but didn’t think much of it since we didn’t know each other well. She didn’t start talking to me more until she started having relationship problems. Now, four years later, she is back in a new relationship and back to not talking to me much. I understand she is in a relationship but I noticed she still makes time for her other best friend from high school but has cut off basically anyone else she knew from college.

So I have decided to stop contacting her. Let her initiate contact. In fact, I’ll bet you a hundred dollars she will come running back should her new relationship begin to go south. I think I was right, as well, other people, all along. It was that way all along and I ignored the signs. A big mistake. Do you think the right decision is to officially cut contact? Do you think she was a fake friend all along? Do you believe she only talked to me out of boredom since she really started talking to me more when she started having problems with her first relationship? Now I know for a fact that she also hated it when I would go visit her back when she was still in college after I graduated.

We are both graduated now but there was a year and half where I she was still in college after I graduated and when I would ask if she wanted to hang out, she would say yes but then after hanging out, another male friend would tell me that she was constantly talking about me and saying I was clingy. At first I thought he was making it up but I am starting to think he may have been telling the truth. She would say he was making it up but she may have been lying since I was always the on initiating plans to hang out.

She could have easily said no and I didn’t visit a lot. And the fact that she feels the need to call me clingy or insecure when she is actually way worse makes me think she is just not wanting to accept responsibility. I have casually rekindled another friendship who I have mentioned before. And this current friend who cut me off treated the other friend the same way. Just cut her off without giving a crap. Makes me think this friend may think of other friends as disposable. Except for her best friend since she will get mad if her best friend bails out or tells her how it is.

The friendship I cautiously rekindled seems to be better than the friendship I had with this other friend at this point. I am very cautious about the friendship I rekindled but I actually feel like I can trust the friend I started talking to again more than the friend that came off as controlling and just cut me off. That is saying something. And I may have mentioned this before, but the reason this friend’s first relationship didn’t work out was becsuse she became very clingy and tried to control him as well. So I think it is best that she wasn’t in my life.

To answer a question in a previous thread, the reason I still feel hurt in a way is because even though I knew she would eventually cut me off and that she was very hypocritical and came off as controlling, I was hopong she would change. And also she remained in contact with me for four years so I actually thought that maybe she actually did like me as a friend but I was probably wrong. She may have just saw me as a convenience friend and only liked me as an acquaintance. I hoped she would change, but it never happened. In that case, I think it is time for me to give up on the friendship.

I am not the kind of person to tell someone to not talk to me again. That is really hard for me to do. Someone has to do something absolutely terrible, like commit a crime or something, for me to get to that point. Not only would I feel bad but you never know if you will need to speak to the person again and it could cause conflict. So I decided that it would be best to just let her take the initiative from now on. She probably won’t but at least I won’t be constantly initiating contact. She used to initiate contact way more but then suddenly stopped. I feel like the best thing now is to focus on other people. Do you think she may have just saw me as a convenience friend all along? I sometimes wonder that. In the long run, it may actually be better if she no longer wants to talk to me.

Ask yourself how she makes you feel and that should be your answer. This doesn't sound like a person I would be interested in having a friendship with because it does seem to be at her convenience. That would be too hurtful for me. Good luck in your decision.

I used to feel good but not anymore. Now I feel a sense of anxiety and sadness. I agree with you, I think I am just a friend of convenience to her. I always ask first to hang out with her and I always have to make the trip to see her if we do hang out. And now that she has a new relationship, she basically treats me like she doesn't really care about me. Never initiates contact and if I I itiate, she may respond but with very short answers and ends conversations abruptly. I agree, it would be too hurtful. Like a I mentioned, I actually trust another casual friend who has hurt me in the past but apologized more so than this current friend who cut me off.

I am not close friends with the other friend who hurt me in the past, we are just on good terms and has treated me well since then. I feel like I can trust her more than the current friend that cut me off. That is saying something and she used to be close to the casual friend that I am giving a second chance to as well. Then the same friend that cut me off, cut her off as well without any care in the world. She did it to two other friends as well. Just cut them off at the slightest disagreements or setbacks. In fact, she cut off one friend because he was slightly depressed and complained at times, just like everyone else does at times. She got super mad at him. That was hypocritical since she once got super depressed at one point and complained a lot, still does to an extent and she showed no compassion or care towards her friend that was going through a rough patch in his life. Constantly back stabbed him. Made me feel like I could no longer confide in her. So yeah, I should just focus on other friendships.

I completely agree with you. Friendships work both ways and there is no point putting effort into someone who doesn't put effort into you. Good for you for realizing what's best for you.

Thank you.

So true. Every relationship needs to be evaluated from time to time.
When we feel the other person is just using us for their own convenience, it's time to move on.

I agree. She will still respond to me if I text her first but even then now those conversations are brief and superficial. I am starting to think I was just a friend of convenience all along and that she never really liked me as an actual friend. I understand that friendships come and go but I feel like if someone really valued you as a friend, they would be a little more considerate when ending a friendship rather than icing the person out and acting like they never meant anything to the person they decided to ignore. I’ve had good friendships in the past fade out. They were good friendships from childhood and I still have respect for them. I believe even when a friendship ends, the way it ends can also determine what kind of friend they were in the first place.

"...the way it ends can also determine what kind of friend they were in the first place"

Thank you for sharing this. I lost a friendship of 17 years about a year ago and it nearly killed me. The way it ended was cruel to me. This statement helps with perspective.

Oh how did it end? And I am glad you are okay, it can hurt for awhile but Imm glad you are well. For me, losing many people I thought were friends has almost made me give up on social interactions altogether.

Its a long story, but his last text to me was: I don't like who I am around you. Have a nice life.

He shattered me heart. I cried for months and fell into a deep depression. Everyone around me noticed how bad I was doing because it was so obvious. I became suicidal too. It was so painful it nearly killed me. Now it doesn't hurt as much but I think of him often. I recently closed my Facebook account because he showed up in the "people you may know" section and I can't bring myself to block him.

I think your intuition is right on. She is a fair weather friend. When she needs you, she is there. She's not there for YOU when YOU need her. I know it's hard to let go of friends when you don't have that many, but it sounds like she makes you feel worse about yourself than better, so why keep a toxic person in your life?

I'd let this friendship fade away.

Seesaw

I agree. I never felt like I could fully confide in her. She would sometimes ask how I was but if I started to vent about something she would either get mad because I am not doing something right in her eyes or she would turn it into all about her. She doesn’t even ask how I am though anymore. I agree, it is time to let the friendship fade away. And if she does come running back if she begins ro have problems in her relationship then I will keep my distance since it means sje only sees me as a sounding board. I can bet you a hundred dollars she will actually do that. She talks bad about anyone who she feels is even just slightly annoying her or not doing something she wants them to do so I know for sure she will come back and talk smack eventually. In that case, I will ignore.

Wow I'm sorry he did that to you. He obviously wasn't that good of a friend then. I actually am starting to believe that no matter how long you and someone else know each other, if they act a certain way like you described and throw away the friendship like it meant nothing to them, then they were not a real friend in the first place. I understand friendships come and go, but usually real friends don't end a friendship that way. It is usually a natural fade out whole both friends are still on good terms and still think good things about each other. Friends that end it abruptly without a reason, especially if nothing bad happened, weren't really real friends to begin with.

That is how I now feel about the friend that cut me off. I actually thought maybe she did like me as a friend since we knew each other for four years and stayed in contact with me after I graduated from college and even after she graduated too. Then she just cut me off. And she is doing perfectly fine too. Nothing bad happened in her life. So that is why I feel like I was just a friend of convenience and she may no longer need me around her. I don't like being used like that so it was probably for the best. I'm glad you are getting better. I can understand how that made you depressed. I've been there. I've been hurt many many times in the past. Glad things are getting a bit easier, since it usually does get easier with time. It can be harder to trust new people you meet though unfortunately.