[xRavenx]

My closest friend has her own issues (bad marriage, separated one year, single mother) but I think she sometimes uses them to make excuses for her behavior.

A little background....the man I was dating over the past year and a half (a little bit on and off, but mostly on), well, I found out that he died, and I don't know how he did yet. This was all a shock to me, and since he was 16.5 years older than me, I am not getting much support from my family. I thought my friend was there for me, but she really disappointed me today. I texted her that I bought her daughter a little gift to be nice. I did not hear anything back. So I texted and called to see how she was doing. I get a text the next day saying, "I don't even want to bother with you anymore."

I was stunned. I didn't even have a clue what I did wrong! I asked her to elaborate. She took something I said out of context. I was talking about all these different problems that I was having, and simply said that I am thankful that I have a nice place to stay as of now. She lives in her own house, so I don't know why this bothered her so much, she claimed that she was mad at me for being "prideful" and bashed me. Then, she turned around and made excuses for her behavior. She always has problems with co-workers, family, you name it. I empathize with her when it comes to these things, but I am starting to wonder if she creates some of these conflicts. She is so overly sensitive, it's like I have to walk on eggshells!

Another time she did something similar: a few months ago, she went a whole month not speaking to me, literally ghosting me out of the blue....only to return later and once again, took something that I said out of context that was so small that I was stunned that time as well and had no clue what I had done that was so bad to be treated that way. I am not used to this kind of behavior from someone. I know she has a lot of trust issues and been in a bad relationship, but I stood up for myself both times and was placed in a position once again where I had to defend myself for something so innocuous. She seems to have "black and white" thinking a lot and feel people have bad intentions. She's not paranoid or has Bipolar, it's more like a personality thing.

I feel very, very hurt that during such a traumatic time for me, she is making it all about her....especially just a cold "I don't want to be bothered by you anymore" text. We talked, and although she half-way said sorry, it seems very "woe is me" all the time. I start to wonder if she creates a lot of her own drama, rather than drama following her.

How should I even proceed? Should I forgive and forget? Just as I mentioned above, this is the second time something like this happened.
What hurt me the most is that this is one of the hardest times for me, when I need a friend the most.

[Little Moons]

Saying "I don't want to bother with you anymore," was really unkind. While she has a right to choose who she wants to be friends with, she can be more respectful about how she ends a friendship. There's nothing wrong with being thankful for something in your life. If I had a friend like you're describing, I'd feel judged by her and constantly worry that something I say will set her off, which would be very stressful for me. I'd be inclined not to be friends with her, but I understand if you decide it's worth it to you to try to stay friends.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Little Moons

Saying "I don't want to bother with you anymore," was really unkind. While she has a right to choose who she wants to be friends with, she can be more respectful about how she ends a friendship. There's nothing wrong with being thankful for something in your life. If I had a friend like you're describing, I'd feel judged by her and constantly worry that something I say will set her off, which would be very stressful for me. I'd be inclined not to be friends with her, but I understand if you decide it's worth it to you to try to stay friends.

Thanks. Her behavior is really erratic. I should have clarified that even though said she doesn't want to be bothered with me, she went back on her word, calls me, tries to vent and says it's not just me, it's just she has "a lot of problems." In other words, she doesn't want to end the friendship, she will just say hurtful things then make up excuses that she's just going through a lot and still wants me to be there for her.

I just don't know how to proceed, as far as continuing this friendship. I am torn between just accepting her for who she is and giving her space, or if this should be a signal to me that maybe I am opening myself to future bad treatment since it happened twice? I don't find her behavior to be acceptable, although I have some empathy for her......but I'm hurt. Her apologies seem to be "I am sorry, BUT", instead of a genuine apology. I don't expect gifts or flowers....just some sincerity.
She can be very loving and caring. It's just that now I feel I am walking on eggshells.

Could you remain friends but not count her as a best or close friend? Accept that she won't be a reliable source of support for you. It sucks, but it might be a healthy medium.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Could you remain friends but not count her as a best or close friend? Accept that she won't be a reliable source of support for you. It sucks, but it might be a healthy medium.

Maybe that's true: I should distance myself. It is hard, because a lot of my close friends either moved away or died, or they've moved on and have families now. I am single, and it's hard to meet people. I feel discouraged a lot now, because of being let down. I know that's no way to think, but I'm feeling sort of vulnerable and want to make sure I don't attract any toxic people in my life. Sometimes when I am feeling sad like this, I am prone to drawing in the wrong kind of people, who try to take advantage.

I would eventually like to meet other people, but not sure where to find that. I am a little more introverted. I might appear to others as an extrovert at times, but I need a lot of time to "recharge." I tend to form fewer friendships that are deep, rather than having a lot of acquaintances. (I don't know if anyone has taken the Myers Briggs/Jung test or has faith in it, but I am a true INFJ here).

[Crazy Hitch]

Is it worth your own sanity to even continue this friendship? For her to text you that at this particular point is bad taste.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Is it worth your own sanity to even continue this friendship? For her to text you that at this particular point is bad taste.

True, what hurts so much, is I can't think of even sending a text like that to someone, who they consciously knew something awful just happened to them. I never did anything to her with any bad intentions whatsoever. Quite the opposite, where I've done so much for her. I feel hurt that I have poured out my heart and soul to this friend, I have done a lot of good deeds for her, and then I get this kind of treatment. I don't have much support from family either, so I feel desperate. It's sad I have history with her, but I feel betrayed.

I don't know think she is worth jeopardizing my mental health at this point.
Probably not. I am sick of doing a lot for her to put up with mistreatment and just listen to her play victim all the time. She flips between being supportive to me being on her sh** list, and it switches with no rhyme or reason. I'm usually not in the "bad" category....but everyone else in her life is: her dad, her boss, she's had problems at almost every job she's ever had with people. It's also kind of interesting how just the night before I said that I found something cute for her daughter that I would like her to have for Christmas, and I am met with a text the next day that she "doesn't want to bother me." That's literally what happened. I feel I need to take my power back somehow.

[TishaBuv]

I have a lifelong friend that I can easily get into arguments with but I’ve finally learned how to stop before it turns bad.

[hvert]

I'm sorry the man you were dating passed away so suddenly.

Hot/cold relationships can be very damaging. A long time out from her (or complete break) sounds like a good plan. I had a friend do something similar to me when a former partner died. It's a red flag.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by hvert

I'm sorry the man you were dating passed away so suddenly.

Hot/cold relationships can be very damaging. A long time out from her (or complete break) sounds like a good plan. I had a friend do something similar to me when a former partner died. It's a red flag.

Thank you. I am sorry about your loss too. I think that's exactly what I need to do.... take a break. Only time will tell if we'll be able to stay friends , but I can't surround myself with that kind of negativity and treatment right now.