I've been trying to write this for a week now, but have really had a hard time trying to find the words to say what I want to say. Maybe cause I over-think things like I always do.

Maybe also cause I guess I feel so far removed from these feelings any more that I'm not really sure that I feel the same way any more.

But this is a topic that means a lot to me, and has a long history, and I guess I just want to get this down somewhere.

I've spent a great deal of time the last many months pondering relationships, and where I'm at in all of that, and I guess trying to process a lot of feelings, too.

God, and this is so frustrating too, cause once again writer's block is coming in hard as I'm trying to write this.

Maybe it's cause I have such a hard time opening up to people.

I guess I just feel like this is not something I really want any more. It doesn't really matter to me any more. I used to be a very lonely person, and would like anybody that liked me.

I have been rejected my whole life. People always end up leaving eventually, and rejection has been like my biggest issue ever.

And I feel like I've come to a place where it just doesn't matter to me any more.

I'm a person who can spend weeks and months at home without ever going out. And I did that for 15 years. I have no friends but one in real life, and don't really feel a need for them.

I used to be so lonely. I looked for my soul mate for 12 years and never found her. I wanted to so badly that it really hurt not having her, waking up every day alone, going to bed every night alone.

I'm not really sure what's changed. Except that I see so many people having such difficulties in their relationships and marriages. And I look at myself, and how hard it is for me to even talk to people let alone go out on dates. I feel so ackward and so much pressure to be liked, all these thoughts race through my head, of saying something stupid, or not being liked, not being good enough, or just struggling with keeping conversation going. I feel intolerable anxiety in those situations. It's so hard for me to open up to people. I just shut down.

My walls are nearly impenetrable. I just can't take them down with people any more.

But besides all of that, I just don't think I really have anything to give. I don't want sex, I feel so cold to it. I feel like what is left but just having a relationship of convenience, just to have someone there? I feel like I need so much alone time, that I'm honestly afraid that without it I'd start feeling really tired of them and disinterested in them after awhile. Especially when I feel a lot of pressure to give more than I am able. It's something that drains me really fast.

I've come to a place of finally realizing and accepting how I am, and how much I struggle in relationships. I just feel like they aren't worth the trouble. That the cons far outweigh the pros when I consider it all together.

And I just find it so ironic that I've come to this point in my life. It meant such a great deal to me before to meet my soulmate. I was so lonely without her. I wanted it so badly that for many years I had the same reoccuring dream of meeting her. The dream was always the same but her face was always different. And feeling such intense love in my dreams, feelings so intense that I never felt in real life. Just feeling so in love with each other that nothing else mattered. I wanted so badly to find something like that in real life.

To now, in my 40's, accepting the fact that I likely will be alone for the rest of my life, and actually feeling pretty okay with it. Despite that I feel lonely still at times.

I just feel like there is this invisible barrier between me and everyone else that I could never cross. I could never really connect with people on a deep level.

And for the first time in my life, I think I'm okay with it. Really ok. And oddly enough, I feel like I'm not really missing much.

Sorry this got long, I just wanted to get this out.

I think there is nothing wrong with being comfortable on your own, but don't close yourself off to the possibility that the right person will come along. 40's is not old. I've seen people marry in their 80's. Thanks for opening up and at the end of the day if you are happy that's what matters.

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

I've seen people marry in their 80's.

At that age, death is just around the corner, and you can't even enjoy your youth with them.

Marriage at that age just seems utterly pointless to me.

And I admit, I really wanted to meet her when I was young, and be able to grow old with her, and be able to enjoy my youth with her. Not meet her when I am old.

I admit I felt really angry (out of hurt) about that recently.

I thought how ironic it would be, that after I gave up and stopped wanting it, that then she might come into my life. It would be a cruel twist of fate. And I felt really angry over that. Now I'm at a point where I'd just turn her away now.

The weddings were beautiful and what better reason to marry or do anything than death is just around the corner. When I'm not depressed I am an optimist and I believe in love. BUT I 100% support where you are at. If this feels like the right place for you to be, I'm glad you found it!

That was some anger that came out in my last post. I just intended to get my thoughts out and though I wasn't really looking for any, your replies are appreciated. ^ ^

Just as someone else in another thread said that they feel their interactions with others are mental and feel robotic, so do I.

I just realized tonight that a couple of people that I work with, my relationship with them is very stale. There is absolutely no connection with them at all, or any feelings for them whatsoever. Both from me, and from them.

They're good people, and I've known them almost 6 months and we have talked a lot. But what kind of hit me tonight was, that is how I feel about 99.95% of people that I meet.

This is relevant to this thread, because I was thinking this evening, that I really think that is how a romantic relationship would feel to me at this point. Emotionally stale. Neither exciting, nor interesting, nor fulfilling.

My interactions with people feel just like that. Just robotic and going through the motions, and unable to feel anything deeply for anyone.

And to be honest, tonight I was thinking that I would much rather long for and want a relationship than actually have one and deal with disappointment.

Just some thoughts I was having.

I opened up to a coworker yesterday about some of these things. And while there was no negative reaction from them at all, I left feeling sick and violated. Sick in my being, and violated. Not for anything that they did, but my own self-disclosure made me feel that way (as best as I can describe that feeling).

It's best to just keep things to myself. I'm not doing this any more. It just wasn't a good feeling at all.

I want nothing to do with people.

Some things are quite poignant to me. But I've pretty much decided that I want to be alone.

Not just because it makes things a lot easier. I am the outcast pretty much where ever I go. I can never seem to really fit in any where. And I'm not just talking about my own inability to connect with others - though that definitely plays a big part in it all - I just cringe at opening up any more.

Maybe I just feel numb cause I feel so depressed, too. But I just don't really have much ambition or energy for relationships any more.

It still kind of hurts some times, though. But I just can't seem to or even WANT to tear down those barriers any more.

The problem I have is, spending so much time alone, it tends to make my negative thinking worse and spirals down.

I'm sad today I admit. I'm sad at it all. But I just can't do this any more. And as I was saying, it's not just my inability to connect with people, but I get no pleasure or fulfillment from relationships.

And it's not just my depression like someone tried to point out to me. It goes much deeper than that. But I just really feel like I can't deal with people any more.

In a way, it makes me sad. But I feel like that's the hand I've been dealt. And really the way I feel is, I'd much rather suffer aloneness and long for it than to really have it (I'm talking about ever finding 'the one').