[kingoni]

Met a woman on a website, (a kink site truth be told).

She lives 300 miles away from me. 37 to my 31, a single mum, a paed. nurse.

Heavily flirted with me, wanted my phone number (thought it was a windup) and for a month, was calling everyday for 2 hours plus. She called me btw, not the other way round.

Her phone went kaput, and so she kept up contact via the site and fetlife.

She got quite irritable sometimes, and apologised, identifying that she had a lot of stuff going on. One night, messaged me, saying she was suicidal, and had cut her leg. Helped her through it. Didn't judge. Last we spoke on the phone, she wanted me to come visit her. Made it very clear how attracted she was to me, and um, performed an intimate act on the phone. I apologise for being graphic, I am not bragging. I am merely trying to make it clear via context, that all signs from her seemed to indicate clear, significant, frank interest.

She dropped off for a fortnight, and I mean entirely.

Sent her a message asking if she was ok, got a reply:

"Stepping back from everything, don't know if Im ever coming back, hope your ok."

And I felt really mad. I had helped her, she had lashed out at me and I forgave it, realising there was stressors and now, all of a sudden: shes cutting things dead? It felt really ******, and I felt used, and I said as much.

"thought we had a bond, glad I meant so much to you. You ARE a b****. This is unfair, your blowing hot and cold."

She blocked me on fetlife, and imagine my surprise, when she comes back to the kink site, and lo and behold is right there, in the chatroom! Ya know, the place she thought she would take a step back from, never return?

And cue the "oh Im very hurt by your email, you calling me a b**** and all, that was vile" and her bleating on about "needing to look after herself as selfish as that is." The word b**** is a word she has used to describer herself, repeatedly btw.

I feel like such a ****ing idiot, for getting suckered. I am pissed with her blowing hot and cold, at her just shutting me out like that, when she KNOWS I cared about her, and worried about her. She didn't mind confiding in me previously but now, she is mute?

During the conversation in the chatroom, I had said to her:

"guess my novelty wore off huh?"

the reply was:

"I never said that, you grossly underestimate yourself."

Tried to gauge the extent of the damage.

"So, you don't want to be friends?"

The reply: "I didn't say that, I'm just looking after myself."

Later I tried a different tact.

"is there any chance of us getting ok again?"

the reply: "at the moment, no."

"in the future?"

"I don't know."

Just feel really exhausted by all this, mixed-messages, yo-yoing of interest/disinterest, and its very frustrating.


I have never had a relationship, been on a few dates, never went anywhere. Just feel like I've missed some large red flag(s).

[Bill3]

It sounds like she deals with a lot of emotional volatility, but she is genuine in that she expresses and acts upon what she is feeling in the moment. You seem unaware of this, and so you treat each feeling she presents as if it reveals a permanent state of mind. With that in mind, you seem to consider her to be manipulative when her next genuine emotion comes along and she changes (again). In other words,when she blows hot and cold you see her as manipulative and call her a b****, whereas I see her as being genuine in each moment. Her feelings sound like a wild bronco and she is perhaps doing her best in trying to ride them.

It was in fact extremely hurtful of you to call her a b****, because by doing so you accuse her of being manipulative when she evidently tries to be genuine, sees herself as true to her feelings.

I don’t know if she is a right person for you. Maybe not. You seem to want things pinned down, settled, you take her at her word and assume that that word applies indefinitely. She though is more like a muscular butterfly, all over the place but seemingly true to herself in each moment. To me the question is whether you can come to accept her in each moment. Can you accept that today she might be close and tomorrow not? When she disappears or reappears on a site can you accept that, express that you miss her without being critical or taking it personally or seeing her as manipulative?

It sounds like you did a great job supporting her when she was suicidal. She allowed herself to be vulnerable with you and that worked out well for her. But that does not mean that from now on she will “always” be vulnerable with you, especially after you called her a b****. (It doesn’t matter that she called herself a b****, it was still hurtful coming from you).

If you want to try to connect with her, my advice is to not try to pin her down, like a butterfly on a board, but learn to accept and respond with steadiness and kindness to what she presents in each moment. It will be challenging and it may or may not work out, so I ask you: Is she worth the risk?

(PS I think you write very well and I am wondering if you are a writer. Just saying. )

[kingoni]

I took it personally this time because it was the first time she had done this, and given her previous long-standing frank, clear interest and then for it to just disappear,yeah, it seemed from my perspective, rather dismissive.

This might sound odd given the context, but my anger at her was also driven by fear:

"oh no, she's went and shut down, she's burning bridges because shes imminently suicidal."

I should know: I am a survivor of suicide, and done precisely that. i was angry at her, and scared for her as well. This might be again succumbing to "trying to pin things down too much" but it feels like things are dead in the water now.

In any case, it seems to me that there would never be any certainty or any loyalty on her part. One minute she likes me, the next she is indifferent. This to me, logically, renders all interactions suspect and all declarations of affection counterfeit. The house on sand will crash into the ocean; the one on rock will not.

So no, I will not be pursuing her. You liken her to a butterfly; and but with a mere flap of its wing, it creates a tornado. Put bluntly, she just isn't that special, or valuable.

Her loss.

I am sorry for your upset and frustration. It is understandable.

She is unstable, though, and unstable people WILL be hot and cold and disappear on you, even when you've been so supportive of them.

She clearly has a lot going on if she was suicidal and harming herself. For all you know, it became too real for her and scary after inviting you to visit, and she knows she is unstable and probably not in a place to pursue real feelings or a real in person meetup. She probably got scared and frightened. Hence, going back online to pursue the fantasy of someone. Just my guessing here.

But the bottom line is: she is very unstable.

Also, you calling her a ***** doesn't help matters. I understand your anger, but lashing out in that way by name calling only is going to push someone away, even if she calls herself that and believes it to be true.

[kingoni]

No, I know me calling her a b**tch didn't help.

She has actually had long term relationships from the same site, 4 years and 6 years respectively, so she is not a novice to relationships, nor to ethos of the site. So she isn't some serial fantasist, a female Walter Mitty character who is catfishing people left and right; she has met other people from the site, (male and female) at events, organised group meetings etc, though has stepped back from it all. MY point being is, she is not some ethereal wraith that emerged from the ether of the internet and disappeared again. She was..."real."

And I get that she is unstable, I wanted to help her as a friend, and that was spurned. Im not angry at being denied the possible promise of sex *waves hand dismissively* it was the fact that we were friends, she needed help,and she reached out. Then she decided to be super selfish and just consider only herself with no thought to how she might be impacting on other people.

Shrugs, not my problem anymore. She wants to cut her leg open, I won't be there next time with my safety net. She's weak. She'll implode, and she'll have no one left to be there for her. It is a hell of her own making.

Unstable people are often very selfish. They look after their own self-preservation #1. My ex disappeared on me twice and he is extremely unstable, depressed and suicidal. It is something that I've come to understand.

Yes, it hurts (a lot) when they disappear and do a 180 turnaround on you, especially when you have tried to help them out. I helped my ex and he still disappeared on me and did a 180 as well. There's no getting around being upset by it and rightfully so. So I completely understand your sentiments and validate your feelings. In time, you will let this go and will move onto other things. You, too, have to look out for your own self. Best to move on and find someone who is more stable and reliable.

[seesaw]

I agree with the calling her a "*****" thing probably ended everything.

So, that's the danger of developing relationships with people that are only online and having phone sex, etc., that they get what they want and when things get real for them, or they get distracted by real life, they can just kick you to the curb. Even in LDR, if you have met IRL, they can kick you to the curb because you aren't there all the time.

She used you. I'm sorry. Whatever she wanted from you emotionally, she got it. She needed attention. She needed someone to notice her. That's quite evidenced by the sexual nature of how she interacted with you, then disappeared. I'm sorry she used you.

Lesson learned?

Seesaw

[kingoni]

me calling her a ***** ended everything?

Should have said it sooner then, because lets face it, obviously, I was being used, so it was doomed from the beginning eh?

I mean, its not like we were actually equals, or she actually cared. She got what she got wanted, with no consideration as to me.

So I stand by my original assessment of her. She told me her leg was scarred from when she cut it. I take comfort from the fact that at least she is on the right track with that. Maybe next time she can get the artery.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by kingoni

me calling her a ***** ended everything?

Should have said it sooner then, because lets face it, obviously, I was being used, so it was doomed from the beginning eh?

I mean, its not like we were actually equals, or she actually cared. She got what she got wanted, with no consideration as to me.

So I stand by my original assessment of her. She told me her leg was scarred from when she cut it. I take comfort from the fact that at least she is on the right track with that. Maybe next time she can get the artery.

You calling her a ***** ended the possibility of any future friendship, yes. It seems like that's what you want since you described your conversation with her asking if you could be friends again.

Yes, you were being used. That's what many of us have told you. It's okay to be angry about it.

I don't like the spite you have for her in wishing her dead. Yes, she used you, but she's clearly sick.

I'm sorry you were hurt by her.

Seesaw

[kingoni]

But that is my point, we never were friends. And no, Im not wishing her dead. Im just totally validating all the things she believes about herself, her son would be better off without her, shes a horrible person etc.

Her loss. If I am worth so little, I am cast aside for calling her a *****, then I rest my head on my pillow knowing justice will be served, and best of all, by her own hand.

Originally Posted by kingoni

me calling her a ***** ended everything?

Should have said it sooner then, because lets face it, obviously, I was being used, so it was doomed from the beginning eh?

I mean, its not like we were actually equals, or she actually cared. She got what she got wanted, with no consideration as to me.

So I stand by my original assessment of her. She told me her leg was scarred from when she cut it. I take comfort from the fact that at least she is on the right track with that. Maybe next time she can get the artery.

You're angry. She sucks. But being spiteful is not going to help you, though I understand your feelings. Let out the anger.... it's justified.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by kingoni

But that is my point, we never were friends. And no, Im not wishing her dead. Im just totally validating all the things she believes about herself, her son would be better off without her, shes a horrible person etc.

Her loss. If I am worth so little, I am cast aside for calling her a *****, then I rest my head on my pillow knowing justice will be served, and best of all, by her own hand.

Again, I'm sorry she hurt you. Like I said, she's clearly sick. If you can view her actions in the context of her illness, you may not feel so bitter about it.

I feel like you think her hot and cold behavior is some reflection on you. It's not. You sound like a decent human being who really cared for his friend and tried to help her.

Try not to let her judgments of you cheng your opinion of yourself.

Seesaw

[kingoni]

My friends,

I am a white version of Idi Amin.

A brutal, strutting buffoon that is a caricature of itself, and knows no boundaries beyond its own viciousness and savagery. I can wash my hands in my own blood. I am in short, a fiend. She didn't create a monster, she just used one.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by kingoni

My friends,

I am a white version of Idi Amin.

A brutal, strutting buffoon that is a caricature of itself, and knows no boundaries beyond its own viciousness and savagery. I can wash my hands in my own blood. I am in short, a fiend. She didn't create a monster, she just used one.

So can you clarify for me what it is you're doing here? Are you asking us for support and validation in this situation? Or just ranting? It's okay to be either.

[kingoni]

Originally Posted by seesaw

So can you clarify for me what it is you're doing here? Are you asking us for support and validation in this situation? Or just ranting? It's okay to be either.

I was just expressing how this situation has made me feel.