New Relationship Concerns

I am in a new relationship. It's been six weeks only. At first, we were just having fun, but now we've done an overnight trip together and have spent more than one consecutive night together. We're not committed per se yet, but it feels like the beginnings of a relationship.

At first, I didn't see much except for the fun side of him. Now I am seeing some new things that have me a bit concerned. My therapist says these are all yellow flags to be observed over time. She says I am test driving the car right now, without buying it yet.

So, the concerns are:

1) He looks at himself in the mirror a lot. On our overnight trip in a hotel, we got all dressed up for NYE and I witnessed him standing in front of the large mirror, talking to me and admiring himself for like an hour straight! This is not the first time I've seen him admiring or starting at himself like this. He's done this two other times.

Another time, we were watching a film projected onto his living room wall, and he posed naked in front of the screen, projecting his naked image and erection onto the wall, and was admiring it.

Is he in love with his own image? Is he a narcisssist? What IS this??? It was a huge turnoff, to say the least.

2) He is not over his divorce emotionally. It was a year ago, but this was his first Christmas being outside the home and having his kids visit him instead. That was very very hard on him. I counseled him for an hour about it on Christmas eve.

When we were at lunch on New Years day, we sat next to a family with three kids. He got all choked up and started crying when watching this family. He has told me he is totally broken up over the breakup of his family unit. He claims it is NOT about his ex wife (they did have some issues), but it is about not being with his children every single day and being a part-time daddy now. He also resents his ex's new boyfriend who gets to be around his kids more than he does.

3) He doesn't respond to every text or to everything I say. This is new. Some of my texts are ignored, only a few here and there, and some things I say to him directly are not responded to.

I don't know how I feel about that, but sometimes I feel ignored. My ex responded to everything I said.

I don't know. I am now starting to have doubts about him and I want to back up emotionally. I have not fallen in love or anything, and these things almost make me want to back away and out.

I, myself, am a bit scared of a serious relationship. I just had my heart broken not too long ago and am scared of getting hurt and disappointed again.

Any advice here? Perhaps you will say the same things as my therapist? Take it slowly, observe and watch these things and don't get overly invested?

Should I say something to him about his lack of response to some things that I say?

The thing I'd worry the most is the fact that he watches himself in the mirror a lot. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, but an hour straight seems too much.

As for the others two, I think it's normal that he would feel that way about his marriage- perhaps he just needs some more time. I'd talk to him about the fact that he doesn't respond to some messages ans ask him why.

In my opinion there's nothing wrong with backing up a bit, you both came out of a difficult relationship. Take care

Thank you, Mickey! Your advice is helpful. An hour straight DOES seem like too much.

We both did come out of difficult situations. Maybe I will ask him about the lack of response. Though we're not committed yet and I don't want to pressure him into thinking we're suddenly in a relationship.

Yeah I'm with Mickey, number 1 would trouble me too.

The divorce/kids access seems a normal reaction from him to me, and think that's something you have to decide if it's for you or not.

Not contacting/responding I think I would ask him gently, it may be he's not even aware that he's not responded if he's caught up in thoughts about something else. I would tread gently here though.

Yeah, yellow flags seems a healthy way to view this. Good luck!

Thank you, Sprout!

I suppose I don't mind too much if he still needs to deal with the realities of his divorce. I can only imagine how hard that would be for anyone.

Treading gently about the lack of response is a good approach. TY. I don't want to come across as demanding. I would want to approach it more in terms of a curiosity.

The staring in the mirror thing --- I don't like it!

Hehe, the first one reminded me of my cousin when he was a teen and started going to the gym, he'd stand in front of the mirror looking at himself and flexing. My aunt hated it, I thought it was amusing. That being said, this was a teenager. This man of yours is I'm assuming in his 30s or 40s? He should honestly be past that stage by now, and it would concern me.

As for the second thing, I agree with above posters that his reaction is totally normal. As for the not responding to texts every time, it wouldn't be a big concern to me unless I had asked a question that needed an answer, and they completely ignored it. Some people are less chatty than others.

He's 44, so he should be well past this stage of staring in the mirror.

He always answers my texts when I ask a question. Perhaps he thinks that not all statements need to be responded to? Or maybe I'm not interesting enough for him to respond to at all times. Maybe it shows a lack of interest, I don't know.

I am not sure about calling him a narcissist but he could have a good dose of vanity. Maybe he doesn't even realize he's doing it...

As for the kid thing, that's totally normal. I get that.

As for the texting thing, oh man I'm so guilty of this, even with voice mail sometimes. I sometimes get a text, think "Oh, I'll respond to it later" then totally forget. I get voice to text voicemail too, and I have sometimes done it with that too.

I just flat out tell people it's better to email me because I check and respond to all my messages there eventually because i check it so many times a day. Whereas I don't go back and check my voicemail or text messages often other than when they come in. If he doesn't respond to your texts that aren't obvious questions, then maybe try and gently ask about it. It could very well be that he just forgot since they weren't outright questions.

Seesaw

thanks Seesaw.

if it's vanity, it's still a huge turnoff to me. Ugh.

Seems the general consensus is the kid thing is perfectly normal and expected.

As for the texting, he also doesn't reply sometimes when we are together, so I don't think it's a matter of forgetting to reply. I am starting to think I must not be engaging or interesting enough.

It’s hard to tell what’s going on. Being upset over kids is normal. Looking at himself is weird unless maybe he has some OCD or something. Not responding to messages might be just being busy or distracted or forgetful. Or could mean something else. How often do you text? I dint always respond to messages and texts especially if people text too much.

I have to say that you should listen to your guts. What do your guts tell you? Finding all the doubts now might be a sign that your guts are telling you something. It could be that your guts are telling you that you two don’t connect on a deeper level. Not yet or not at all. Now you are subconsciously looking for things. Or maybe you just have to continue observing longer and paying attention.

What strikes me though is that you are uncomfortable asking him questions. I’d probably ask what’s up with not responding and what’s up with mirrors? He might have good answers or his answers would tell you what’s going on. Ask him?

Ps Be careful comparing this guy to your ex. Your ex set the bar pretty low. Try to look at a new guy without comparing

I feel the need to say my alarm bells are sounding.

If you are having second thoughts about a new relationship and questioning your potential partner's personality and character, this ought to be an omen or indicator of what is to come.

Settle now and you are settling for the duration of the relationship. If you are troubled by this now, such troubles are eventually going to fester - and this certainly will not result in a positive end.

Slow down and back up a bit. Why do you need to make it a serious relationship so soon? You are seeing the things that annoy you and you don’t like, and listen to your little voice.

Your priority is to YOU enjoying yourself in this life.

I honestly don’t see these little things as red flags. But I see as a huge red flag inability to ask him questions or make comments in regards to things he does or doesn’t do. Being uncomfortable to address your concerns out of fear he might dump you or something isn’t a good sign. You should feel comfortable addressing whatever bothers you.

thanks, everyone. Hugs.

I am backing up. There's no need for things to get serious so soon. That is why I said in the beginning post that I want to back up a little, based on these few issues I am seeing.

My therapist says these are yellow flags, not red flags. She said these are things to be cautious about and to proceed with caution.

Divine, I did address the mirror thing in a joking manner at the hotel. I said, "guess you're admiring yourself huh?" What really else can you say about that to someone?

I don't feel that asking about him looking in the mirror all the time is fitting. That is too hard to bring up to someone, and no, I don't feel comfortable with that. I would much rather observe the behavior and decide on my own whether it's a deal breaker or not for me. If it's vanity, no thanks. I don't want a vain person who is so in love with themselves. That is no good.

As for the lack of response sometimes, I don't think it's forgetfulness because he does in person sometimes too.

I will bring it up, I just need to figure out HOW without sounding demanding or pushy.

I am trying to take things slowly, and because we both had hurtful relationships before this, I don't want to pressure him in any way. I want things to naturally unfold and develop, over time.

My gut tells me that the last thing he wants is to feel pressured into a relationship too quickly. It has only been six weeks after all. That being said, he has told me he is open to a relationship and to falling in love. The feeling and sense I get from him though is that he wants to take his time and is in no hurry to rush in. That I feel is healthy for both of us right now.

I am not really questioning his character. Personality, perhaps, yes.

You are making a good sense. No need to pressure either. I agree. And you know what works for you and what doesn’t (if vanity is a no no for you then

I guess I meant asking questions not to embarrass or interrogate but in order to understand. I don’t believe he’ll run away if you ask questions (if he run away then he wasn’t right for you to begin with)

Good luck!

thanks, Divine! I think I am making good sense too! LOL

My first thought with the mirror thing was not vanity but self esteem issues. This could be new since his divorce. Maybe he is not confident in himself?

Also is he in counselling for his divorce? It sounds like he's got some things to work through.

Excellent post about therapy. Divorcing with four young children is brutal.

You also might be on to something about mirror. That’s why I thought to ask him. Without teasing or jocking but actually ask. People might look at themselves a lot not because they admire themselves but because of variety of other reasons such as NOT admiring themselves. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror last night because I discovered that I ate so much during holidays that I gained weight and was trying to figure out where exactly I gained. I was twisting and turning staring at myself naked. Admiration was the last thing on my mind. All I had on my mind is why the heck I ate those Christmas cookies

Thanks.

Sadgirl, I hadn't thought of it from that angle, but I suppose it's possible? I don't believe he's in counseling, but maybe he should be.

Divine, thanks as well. Perhaps I will ask then.

It’s recommended for everyone to do some type of therapy during or after divorce especially if long terms marriage and kids involved. There is a lot of grieving involved and sometimes anger etc sometimes when not addressed it rears it’s ugly head later.

Yeah, maybe I'll suggest it to him. Not a bad idea!

Maybe looking at himself could mean he's insecure and he's trying to reassure himself. I'm not that confident about my looks. I was born with a facial disorder and I felt self conscience about that. Its Waardenburg syndrome. Waardenburg syndrome (WS) is an autosomal dominant disease affecting 1:42,000 births and is characterized by depigmented patches of the skin and hair (partial albinism), blue eyes or heterochromia irides, sensorineural hearing loss Source sciencedirect.com As for you and him its clear to me your uncomfortable with his obcession with his physical appearance. Uncertain if you feel you can talk to him regarding this trait of his. I can see three choices. Talk to him about his narcissism or what ever it is. Ignore him or leave.

Maybe the divorce damaged his sense of self that he's looking at himself so much? At the same time, it seems to be a quirk that irtitates you and certainly something to ask of yourself, how long can you tolerate that?

I'm sorry for your facial disorder. And thank you for your reply.

You are right. There are three choices. I may talk to him about it, but I have NO idea how to approach this.