New Relationship Concerns

Thanks for your reply.

True -- how long can I tolerate it? If we lived together and he did that all the time, it would drive me insane.

We used to have mirrored walls in the dining room. Guests always used to stare at themselves in the mirror while they spoke, rather than looking one in the eyes. It was weird how their images captivated them.

Why does his looking at himself bother you?

Well, it either speaks to extreme vanity or insecurity, like some here have suggested. Insecurity is OK with me, but not vanity. Vanity is a huge turnoff. I am not in love with my own image, and I don't want to be with someone who is so enamored with themselves in that way. To me it's a seriously negative trait.

Yes, I suppose there is an acceptable amount of time to gaze at one’s self in the mirror. I wouldn’t call him out on it. Just keep observing for now and keep things cool and status quo in the relationship. No need for commitment yet. If you are having fun then good. If not, then stop.

Agreed! One full hour is far too long imo. Hmm..... that is my own feeling (to not bring it up and just observe), but then ppl here have also suggested to ask him. I don't know.

We are having a lot of fun, so that's good at least.

I suggest waiting until he does it again, then making a light joke, but not one that is mean. So like, not "still looking at yourself?" because that's judgmental, but maybe "checking for grey hairs?" or "looking to see if your ears grew?" And see how he takes it. If he gets the hint that he's spending too much time in the mirror, you're good...if he doesn't take the hint...might need to actually directly address it. You could also just assuage his insecurity when he's doing it by saying "sweetie, that's enough inspecting yourself in the mirror, you look amazing. I am so happy to be seen with such a good-looking guy." Yes, I know that's kind of schmaltzy, but even men like to be complimented.

Seesaw

I LOVE this approach! It's perfect!!! TY!

Hmmm, not sure how I feel about this. It seems a touch passive agressive.

I think it depends upon what sort of relationship you have, if I were preening in front of the mirror I think my husband would tease me in a jokey way but we have a well established secure relationship and joking and teasing is part of that (we laugh at ourselves rather than at each other if that makes sense).

As you have only been seeing this guy a short time Eve and not too serious yet it's your judgement call on how he will take gentle teasing like Seesaw describes.

Passive aggressive is hostile behavior. Seesaw's suggestion doesn't show underlying hostility. It is a lighthearted way to approach this, which I really like.

He's teased me, so I can definitely joke and tease him.

He stands in front of the mirror for an hour? Doing what?

Giving someone a compliment to help them overcome their insecurity is passive aggressive? I don't think you undrstand what passive aggressive is. Passive aggressive behavior is hostile behavior that is a mask for anger.

The passive aggressive part is fishing around for his reason rather than asking him straight out. "Do you like to look at yourself in the mirror?" Would be a direct way of addressing the issue.

Staring at himself while talking to me.

I still don't think this is passive aggressive. It's an indirect approach. Passive aggressive, like Seesaw said, is a hostile behavior that masks anger. There is no hostility or anger here.

I cannot ask him directly if he likes to look in the mirror. That puts him on the spot and it is awkward. Seesaw's suggestion I think is perfect -- to make a joke of it makes light of it and doesn't put him in an uncomfortable or awkward position.

That's not what passive aggressive is. By definiton. Passive aggression has to do with masking anger and hostility.

Here is an actual definition of passive aggressive for you:

"Passive-aggressiveness, as the word indicates, is a tendency to engage in indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish required tasks."

From Psychology Today

I can’t visualize this scenario. Are you in the bathroom putting on makeup while he’s there?

Like I said before, when we had mirrored walls, all our guests couldn’t help staring at themselves.

Does he seem especially vain in other ways?

The first time it happened, we were in a bar. There was a mirror on the wall, he was standing vs. sitting, and I noticed him looking at his image a lot. The second time it happened, we were in a hotel room getting dressed up for NYE. He was all dressed, standing in front of a large mirror, talking to me and staring at himself for like an hour, while talking to me. And the third time, he posed naked and erect in front of a film projector, his naked image projected onto the wall, admiring (I believe) his largeness (he is rather large in size).

He doesn't seem vain in other ways, really. He doesn't primp or spend a lot of time in the bathroom. He is not self absorbed and doesn't talk all about himself only or about how great he is or anything. He is very nice in fact.

Godzilla shadow puppet! i wouldn’t say anything to him about it just yet.

Ha! The next time it happens, I will make a light comment and joke and see what he says. I DO want to address it somehow and point it out to him without making him feel insecure about it, awkward or put on the spot.

Well, now I am crushed and have a new relationship concern. He is still active online on our dating site where we met and is not ready to be full throttle into a relationship. We've been together six weeks now and he's been giving me loving looks. I asked him if he was dating anyone else and told him I was thinking about deactivating my dating profile to explore things with him. So he told me he is still talking to people but is not seeing anyone else. So I canceled our romantic date for tomorrow night, told him let's just keep things causal then and maybe I'll see him next week. F.K.

It’s good that you have found out he is still browsing. You have 6 weeks invested so not a huge amount thankfully.

Keep your own options open. I would have canceled this weekend

I think you handled it well. I would have also cancelled the date, so that I wouldn’t say or do anything emotional. Better to take some time off and reevaluate.
Also, would he be okay with it if you were talking to other guys?
I am sorry.