New Relationship Concerns

Yuk! So frustrating! I'm really annoyed on your behalf.

TY! I know.. me too. Me too.

Ok, so don't laugh. But I just called my favorite psychic. She said don't do anything at all, don't contact him whatsoever and give it two weeks. That he will come back to me by that time and will be fixing his problem. That he doesn't want to lose me. So..... I am going to take this with a HUGE grain of salt of course, but there is always a possibility that this could happen... who knows right? I won't hold my breath of course.

You wrote that your gut instinct was he was narcissistic when he was looking in the mirror for an hour (like Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection) - but the big progress you made here is you felt your gut reaction and listened to it, that's why you posted here. I see that as a big positive to come from all this.

Please don't spend too long thinking about him, as the Maya Angelou quote goes "When someone shows you who they are; believe them the first time."

As has been said you deserve much better.

Thanks, Sprout!

All good points! SOMETHING is up with the mirror thing -- whether it be insecurity, narcissism or something else. I don't know. My gut was narcissism, but my gut isn't always correct either.

My psychic said he will fix his problem and will come back to me. Well, we shall see on that. In the meantime, I'm not holding my breath and will just move on.

Please think very hard about taking this guy back because he tells you he is going to change.

If he was 16, maybe. A man in his 40s who cheats on women and kissed women while married (oh of course it was because he didn’t have true connection or intimacy with his wife, it’s a typical excuse that cheaters make, so his excuse to looking for other women on match while sleeping with you is lack of intimate connection too? Those are typical excuses that you should never believe).

Of course he could come back and of course he could tell you things how he is a changed man or how he’ll fix his problem etc Honestly there are men out there with whom you can have wonderful connection and deep meaningful love and commitment and they aren’t “man w..res”. Why go for men who need fixing and changing when there are good men who don’t need fixing?

Again my therapist said to me that sometimes we feel intense “meant to be” crazy chemistry for very wrong people because we respond to “familiar”-unhealthy familiar, in fact it feels so strong precisely because of how wrong the person is for you.

You felt very strong deep (rare) connection with other guy too just two months ago and he was all wrong for you too, both guys you didn’t know well enough and both lack something important.

Something you need and deserve in a partner. You definitely can do much better.

Thanks, Divine.

I appreciate your concerns and points. I would definitely not just jump at it immediately if he did come back to me. I think he would need to be in therapy addressing this somehow.... he admits he needs professional help.

Just be careful. When people show you who they are, believe them. People reveal themselves usually quite early if we only pay attention. I don’t think he was hiding anything. He revealed that he kissed women while married. It was right there showing you who he is. Not asking about exclusivity before having sex with you. Again showing you who he is early on. Etc I think it’s very smart of you to move on with your life.

I am a firm believer that every relationship good or bad we learn from it.

He will never change his ways, I’d certainly not want that gift from him, who needs a physical reminder of him basically using you ?

I’m so sorry your hurting but it’s best it happened now instead of more time invested.

I second the no dating for awhile, allow yourself time to get back on your feet and clear your mind of both of theses idiots. You deserve much better.

I am sorry to hear that things haven't worked out with this man.

People are able to change their ways, it is possible. I know someone in my life who cheated on every partner she had, until she found the right person. She has not cheated since.

That being said, don't wait up for him!

thanks you three... (Divine, Christina and scaredandconfused). I really appreciate the support.

Who knows though? As scaredandconfused just said, people CAN change. Maybe he can.

He just wrote to me saying that he is really bumming out right now over this. That all he wants to do is hold me and dance with me right now. And that this sucks. I wrote back saying I felt the same way and agreed with him.

He’s a fun guy, who you have been warned you should not get serious with. If you enjoy his company, you could see him, while still looking for the right one. I have no problem with that.

You moved so fast, burning through this one, on the rebound from another. But, maybe it’s best to have learned he’s not serious material quickly is better for your emotions.

Thanks.

And nope, I cannot see him and look for someone more serious. That's not the way I work.... I am taking a good break altogether.

He just texted me telling me he loves me and wants to figure this out.. himself he means.

People are saying he's in his 40's so 'he can't change' - well maybe that's true but there is also the possibility that he's at a point in his life where this is a wake up call and he will realise he needs to change his ways. Everyone can change if they are motivated and empowered to do so. Otherwise what's the point of therapy, treatment etc?

I agree -- who knows? He just told me he's very sad about that, that he loves me and wants to figure himself out. Maybe this could be a wakeup call. I don't know. TY so much for providing a positive spin and possibility!

Omg, he's killing me right now, telling me how strong his feelings are, that he just doesn't want to mess things up and that his feelings are very deep and very real. This is all just so wrong. How can this be happening for real?? I need to just stop communicating with him now... I am NOT going to contact him.

I hate that he is making this harder for you. If his feelings are that strong, why couldn't he be exclusive.

Thanks. I know he is. I cut thinggs off before he could tell me.

His ego got hurt because you ended it first, he now all of a sudden loves you and his feelings are deep, all via texts mind you. Ok now. I’d just for the sake of it would log in to see when he was last time on match.

I just don’t see a point in being with a man who is wrong for you in hopes he changes. Mind you changes like majorly: his moral character and personality. We aren’t talking about him stopping leaving socks on the floor. We are talking about who he is at his core

Hm. I think you're making some assumptions. He told me in person that his feelings are strong and deep prior to this. He got divorced a year ago and may be fun shy about commitment. Either way, it's over so, I need to accept that.

Sadandconfused made a good point though. People can change their ways if they really want to. She had a good example of this. I'm not holding my breath.

Talk is cheap. If he is serious about change, as he claims to be, let him change himself first.

I'll probably be skewered for this but, he doesn't sound all bad. He was honest with you and he didn't have to be. Generally people who want to continue cheating don't disclose that they cheat. I'm a big fan of honesty, even when you have issues.

Not saying you should date him, but I respect the fact that he was honest with you.

I’m also thinking he wasn’t all bad. You did like him. At least you had him for a New Year’s date.

When he told you he is a cheater, he was also warning you to not want to try to make him commit. Remember, “it’s too tempting and easy”? He has no character, but he is a fun date for casual sometimes. Maybe he has a friend?

I’d tell him, “I really liked you, but I’m holding out for true love. But meanwhile, if you know of a party or something call me” lol

I agree. He was pretty honest in both his words and his actions from early on. Even in his profile I don’t think he said he is looking for relationship or commitment/marriage. He wasn’t dishonest.