New Relationship Concerns

Okay. Sorry, I guess I misunderstood.

No worries.

You're not over your ex. Get over your ex before you jump into something hot and steamy and then compare your new man to your old man when the "honeymoon phase" is over.

This sentence stood out to me, because of the indecisiveness. Were you indecisive because what he wanted mattered more to you than what you wanted? Be careful that you don't put your needs second. Doing that will send mixed messages to the guy about what you actually want. Don't be so quick to throw away your power, by giving the guy a choice. Don't set yourself up to be his option, when you deserve to be his priority. And you can't be a priority if you are indecisive about what you want and how you communicate it.

So, don't be afraid to speak up for what you expect or want from the guy. After all, you won't get your needs met if you don't say what they are. I learned that lesson the hard way myself.

I was in your situation 8 years ago when I dated a recently divorced man in his late 30s. Biggest mistake of my life, because his words didn't match his actions.

Recently divorced men need to come with a warning label, like a new prescription. Even if the product appears safe, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't have an allergic reaction to it, until you've taken a few doses first.

Sorry for the silly analogy, but as soon as I read that your ex was recently divorced I cringed, because those men are in a category all their own. They have no business dating another person until they process and grieve the loss of their marriage, so that they can be emotionally available to another person whom they date.

Right now you're in pain. I've been there. It will hurt for a while. But if he really was the right guy for you, at the right time, nothing would prevent you two from being together and in sync.

Hang in there. Each day will get better with time.

People on the rebound are not good choices.

I gave the option because I wanted to keep seeing him, not because I didn't want to speak up. I said if he doesn't want to be exclusive, then no sex. I left it up to him. I would have been OK either way, so it wasn't as you think.

He was divorced a year ago, so not that recent.

It doesn't even matter now because it's over.

Sometimes it can work. I've seen this happen.

Well, I broke down and texted him last night to tell him how bummed out I am. We had gone the whole day without texting, and I was having withdrawals.

I went out with my friends for music last night and they were all supportive. That helped. They also were bummed out about it because they saw how happy we were and liked him. I am so glad that this music scene is mine and mine alone. Now he can longer come to where I see music. Thank God I didn't date someone from within my social circle. That would be far worse.

I am going out tonight with my friends, too. Hopefully I can keep busy this weekend.

Yes, keep busy. That will help diminish the memory.

I know how you feel. My disappointment wasn't as bad, but I met a guy online and we went out for a few weeks and I really liked him. We had great conversation, a lot of fun, things in common. I thought, at one point, this could be it, someone who is healthy and stable and we can have a normal relationship...Then I found out he was lying to me.

Seriously? Does anyone tell the truth anymore?

Seesaw

UGH -- so you know what it's like.

Yesterday I actually felt kind of mad over it -- but that's only because i am so disappointed to learn this about him after seven beautiful weeks of dating.

I think it’s perfectly fine to date people who got divorced a year ago. There are no rules about not dating divorced men. Divorced men aren’t automatically commitment phobics.

As long as they worked on whatever their issues might be and as long as they are not commitment phobics, which has nothing to do with how long ago they got divorced. Some people are married and are still commitment phobics.

I’ve met my husband shortly after his divorce but he was more than ready and processed what needs to be processesed, he never had any fear of commitment at all. He isn’t “ladies man” and would rather be married again than be in a single scene. I’d miss on a great man because I’d think “oh he just got divorced”. There are no rules like that. My daughter started seriously dating a bit less than a year after becoming a widow and she is serious and exclusive, her new boyfriend perhaps wondered about dating a fairly recent widow, but she processed everything through intense bereavement therapy and s very intense grief. So she was ready plus I am sure knowing her late husband he is likely watching from above (if you believe in that) and is very happy that she isn’t moping around anymore.

Waiting long after divorced and break ups and widowhood is a general suggestion but isn’t set in stone rule. There are no rules that people who are recently single need to be moping around miserable or must be sleeping around first. Plenty of people are ready for commitment again.

Don’t scare golden eve from eventually dating divorced or widowed men.

YES agreed, and thanks Divine.

It all depends on how well they have dealt with their grief and if they are emotionally available for a new relationship and commitment.

My guy wasn't over his grief, and his grief is pretty deep and strong still. He says he gets hit with a big wave of it every few days.

Him crying on New Years day over seeing a family together really showed me he has not grieved fully yet and is not over the hump. But it has mainly to do with the kids and losing daily connection with them. At least according to what he says. This could be a factor to him continuing to be on the dating site and being hesitant to be exclusive with me, in addition to his cheating tendencies.

Oh yeah... lying

In my online dating time I’ve met couple of men who said in their profile that they are divorced. On the first date or after few dates (luckily not much longer than that) and after my pressing for specific dates when exactly they got divorced they revealed they aren’t even divorced! Supposedly either separated or going through divorce or who knows!! Why the heck not say in a profile! Why waste my time? They likely knew unless they lie they won’t get a date! Gee.

Oh and then many lie about age. And height. As much as 5 inches kind of height. Seems like innocent lie but if they lie about age and height what else they lie about??

I just reached out to a guy I had connected with previously on OkC. I figure why not? I was curious before about him, before I started dating this guy.

I know I said I would stay single now. But he just popped into my head and I reached out to him on a whim.

I need to move on somehow. Maybe that WILL include a date here and there.

I also feel FAR better today for some reason. Maybe getting out to see my friends helped, and getting support from them over this. I also realize that I did not get emotionally attached to this man -- we did not have an emotional connection yet... I did not share much of myself with him, I held my cards closely to me and did not fall in love, though there was twinge of that feeling beginning.

I am SO glad he told me this and gave me the chance to leave before anything hurtful happened. Thank goodness!!! I would not have been able to stomach that kind of pain on the heels of my other breakup. That could have ruined me.

I'm glad you feel better. Sometimes hooking up with a guy just for sex is a good thing. I am sorta guilty of this.

I don’t think she just hooked up for sex. Yes nothing wrong with that but I don’t think that’s what she wanted. That’s why she is upset. How are you guilty of that? When did you hook up with men for sex?

Yeah, that is not what I am doing.

I am a bit proud of myself actually. A guy last night asked me out and asked for my number. Normally, on the rebound, I would have said "yes". Last night I simply said "maybe" then went about my night, danced and observed this man through the night. Turns out he was a bit of a.... I can't think of the word, but I had to tell him my name three different times through the night. And he ended up making a big fool of himself in other ways with me. So, yeah. I'm glad I didn't give him my number.

I am also proud of myself for not contacting my most recent guy the last two nights when I've been out for music. I missed him, and we would have gone to these shows together, but I was there on my own with my friends having fun, I was tempted to text him saying "I miss you", but I didn't.

I think I am improving!

For now, be the ‘maybe’ girl!

YES I like this new approach! Hehehe. MAYBE. We'll see.

Really pleased you had a good few days. That's a big thing, seeing that you can be happy without either of them. The second one was ALMOST right, eh? There are lots of men who will be fully right for you.

TY so much, Purple!

Yes, he was ALMOST right... so close!!!! But the cheating thing, the more it sinks in, the more I realize that I could never be fully comfortable with him....

I had a boyfriend who had cheated on his ex before me. I was always watching him because of this, always wary and always looking over my shoulder. I never fully trusted him..... we had to have multiple conversations about it. He didn't trust me either because he did not trust his ex as well. That leaked into our relationship. It got so bad that neither one of us wanted the other to go out to a bar alone, so we had an agreement that we wouldn't do that to keep the trust. Unhealthy.

I think it was Christina who made the connection between this guy looking in the mirror at himself and probably needing a lot of female attention. Now that I know he perpetually cheats, I think she was absolutely 100% accurate on that assumption.

Yeah, it would have been a nightmare. Well, everyone is different, but I would have run a mile, if it was somebody I liked. You were very wise, holding back emotionally the way you did.

A total nightmare! YES! And thanks!!! I feel good in that I held back... I didn't give too much of myself, and therefore, I wasn't deeply invested emotionally. This helps with this particular ending!

Let's not ditract from Eve's thread by going into my sexual history.

I just thought that because Eve said she had no emotional attachment and didn't invest much into the relationship that she just wanted sex. Nothing wrong with that, tbh.