[BlueJeans00]

I apologise for the long message.
But last night was really bad.

It all started with my sister asking my partner and I (whom we been together for 8 years) and I what will we be doing for our year anniversary.
I recalled my boyfriend saying we can't do anything because he has no money.
I felt really upset and angry and so I ignored him.
My.boyfriend went for a shower. Mum asked me what was wrong? I told her what my.boyfriend said. My sister spoke and said how her and her boyfriend for there year aniversary went to movies. Then my sister said this which brought deep shame in me. "No,Millionaire will go with someone who lives at home and goes to therapy"
It wasnt so much No Millionaire will go with me but it was way she described me as living at home and go to therapy. I felt like a loser and thought that's all I am. I started to cry and got the butter knife from the draw and cut myself.

I then went to bedroom where my boyfriend was and he was upset.
He told me how he had to put his foot down and say no to our year anniversary and how he used an credit card to buy me stuff for Christmas which I never knew. I felt really guitly and bad when he told me this.
I got angry and told him how his business he been trying to do for a year won't work and how last year anniversary was lame.
He turn around and told me "F**k you" and pulled the finger at me.

Then my mum came in the bedroom shouting asking what is going on and how I'm unfair to my boyfriend and make everyone miserable. I try to tell her what my sister said that upsetted me and my sister yelled out "You dumbshit"
I crawled up in a ball on my bed and face my face in the pillows while blocking my ears as mum shouted.
I started to cry and called out to God to help me.
After a while I looked up and my.boyfriend was still there. He told me to sit with him but I was so upset by what my boyfriend and my mum said to me.
He forced me to sit with him and told me to breath but I couldn't. He said to me angrily how I have to sit with my feelings. I said how I should die and I put my left hand on my thoart to try to squeeze it and he grabbed my hands and told me to stop it.

Then my mum again, came in and told me I am mainpluativie and started pointing at me. I was crying and trying to say I'm not mainpluativie how I want to kill myself because emotions are too strong. But she kept talking over me repeating I'm mainpluativie. I was about to leap and go for my mum but my boyfriend held me down and put his hand over my mouth. While mum stand and pointed at me, saying I was mainpluativie and I'm angry.

Mum, sister told my boyfriend to leave me.
So my boyfriend got up and left the bedroom.
When my sister said to leave me in the room I felt she looked at me as if I'm some crazy mental health patient.
Mum told me to come in the living room and apologise.

I cried alone in my bedroom.
I thought I won't talk to mum,sister or boyfriend and live in my bedroom then no one can hurt me and I be ok.
I thought I should die and seriously thought to overdose in pandoal or my meds and just die.

I ended up turning off the light and lay in my bed and try to sleep. I keep wishing for my ex therpaist to be here or why am I so bad now.
Mum came in to see if I wanted my.boyfriend to stay or go home but I was too scared to speak. Eventually my boyfriend came in and told me how he did some reading up on borderline personatily disorder and how if there is slight change or say partner is at work longer it means they don't love them and have a strong reaction. My boyfriens asked me did you thought because I said no to.to.anniversary it means I don't love you. I said yes.

Today I feel really,really terrified of my boyfriend ,Mum and sister.
I keep having relapses of last night vidi
playing in my head.
I feel I have to hide myself from them so
they don't attack me.

[seesaw]

I am sorry you are experiencing this. Your emotions are overwhelming you. You said you are seeing a therapist. Can you call your therapist or schedule an appointment?

I'm also curious, how old are you?

It's unfortunate your mom and sister don't have more compassion for your mental illness, but you have to look within for validation, not to others. Just because your sister thinks one thing about you, does not mean you have to believe or accept that one thing.

What kind of coping skills are you working on in therapy to deal with your emotions when they get so overwhelming?

Seesaw

[BlueJeans00]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I am sorry you are experiencing this. Your emotions are overwhelming you. You said you are seeing a therapist. Can you call your therapist or schedule an appointment?

I'm also curious, how old are you?

It's unfortunate your mom and sister don't have more compassion for your mental illness, but you have to look within for validation, not to others. Just because your sister thinks one thing about you, does not mean you have to believe or accept that one thing.

What kind of coping skills are you working on in therapy to deal with your emotions when they get so overwhelming?

Seesaw

Thank you for your reply.
I wasnt too sure if I receive a reponse since my message is so long.
So thank you.

Shamefully I am 27 and I know the way I acted was WAY younger than I should act for 27.

I'm seeing anot art therapist that I can email.
I'm also seeing a dbt therapist at public health system but I haven't seem over 2 weeks due to New Years and stuff. They are new therapist so I have only seen them 3 times so far.
They told me we would start to regularly see each other at February but I feel Im incredible struggling.
Waiting to February might be torture for me.

Thank you for your message. I haven't found vaildatton in myself yet.

Well the art therpaist told me to rub myself or breath or doodling.
My keyworker who works as a occupational therpaist told me in the past to go to sensory box like smells that me feel better or go for a walk etc.
The issue is Im so upset I cant even think to do that stuff and all I getc told by my keyworker "some where inside of you , you have knowledge to do it" which doesn't help either.

[divine1966]

I don’t think you are getting proper care for your mental health. Are you in any kind of proper treatment? Meds? What you said about your previous therapists didn’t sound like proper treatment.

Looking at your previous posts there is a lot of violence and conflict in your life. I’d talk to my doctor and ask to refer to proper mental health services.

[BlueJeans00]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t think you are getting proper care for your mental health. Are you in any kind of proper treatment? Meds? What you said about your previous therapists didn’t sound like proper treatment.

Looking at your previous posts there is a lot of violence and conflict in your life. I’d talk to my doctor and ask to refer to proper mental health services.

I am.on meds for years.

I'm under public.mental health in New Zealand.
Well I'm with a psychologist at public mental health system who said going to use dbt.
I only have seen them for 3 sessions and didn't see them for 2 weeks.because of new years.
I am seeing an art therapist but it not helping.
She just talks to me than do art of art therapy. She trying to helexplain. Understand why I behave a certain way to do with my past. But its not helping.

[~Christina]

Push for more T. It’s a shame your family and BF are not more supportive. Keep working on building your self esteem.

Do you have friends outside of your family?

Be kind to yourself. Life is hard.

[BlueJeans00]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Push for more T. It’s a shame your family and BF are not more supportive. Keep working on building your self esteem.

Do you have friends outside of your family?

Be kind to yourself. Life is hard.

No i dont have any friends. Accept for one I talk to onEssa get that lives far in my country.

[Rose76]

Your sister is quite an instigator. Her asking about your anniversary plans sounds like that was just digging around for a pretense to start button-pushing to get you upset. When you did get upset, she got exactly what she wanted. Any plans about your anniversary are really between your boyfriend and you. The best answer might have been that the two of you are still thinking about it. Your boyfriend needs to be loyal to you and not let himself be used by your sister to be part of her button-pushing. You might have a talk with him and say, "We need to keep our business about our relationship and our plans between us. My sister needs to mind her own business." She is obviously very manipulative. Any time she asks you anything, she's probably looking to start some crap.

Commemorating your anniversary does not have to involve spending more money than is available. It can be getting some ice cream and having it at a nice park while you enjoy the scenery. The main thing is to have time with your boyfriend away from your mum and sister.

You and your boyfriend need to keep some things as your own business and not get your mum in the middle of it either. When you are upset with your boyfriend, don't right away report that to your mum. Don't use her to be a referee between him and you. Your family is way too much up in your business. When you are working out something with your boyfriend, your family has no business even being part of the discussion.

Part of what's hard is that he and you don't have your own place to be living your relationship with some privacy, which all couples need. So you have to create some space for yourselves. Go for a walk to talk things over with your bf. If he and you are in your bedroom together, no one else should be in there. You are dealing with three people at one time, which is altogether too much.

It's good that you are in therapy. Maybe your therapist could do a session with both your bf and you to explore ways to keep your family out from in the middle of your relationship. Your bf should not be ganging up with your family against you. But you also should not be looking for your mum to take sides with you against your bf. No ganging up!

You have way more power than you have any idea about. You can use your power to get more control of what's happening to you. Don't look for your mum to deal with your bf for you. Get people out from in your business and take ownership of your own life.

Normally, no one has the right, legally, to hold you down. You are the owner of your body. But, if you are grabbing knives and threatening self-harm, then you do give others the right to restrain you. Stop giving other people power. Take more control. Try it, and you'll get to like it. It's no fun being at the mercy of three people taking turns pairing off to gang up on you. But don't hand them the opportunity.