I am wondering about this topic. I am not facing this issue right now, but it's come up for me lately about long distance vs. in person relationships.

My ex and I were long distance for 8 out of 12 months of our relationship. I realized recently that I fell in love with the person he was when long distance, and was not in love with the person I saw in real life, in person. He wooed me over the phone. He made these big statements about how he would treat me. He made all these promises to me. He had big dreams and goals.

When when we finally moved in together, it was a total nightmare. He was not at all the person that I thought he was or how he presented himself to be when we were long distance. So, this makes me think that long distance relationships can be problematic for just this reason.

Now, that is NOT to say that LDRs cannot work out....

BUT, I think it is very easy to be fooled by someone when you're only on the phone periodically, texting and Skyping from afar.

You only see a portion of the full person, how they are, and what they are like in real life. You don't see their living quarters, how they live, what they do on a daily basis or what they are like on a daily basis. You don't know how they will treat you when you are with them daily. You don't know their moods. When that goes on for a long time without seeing them in person, it's easy to believe in the small portion of the person you experience.

I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience? That the long distance person is very different from the real person you see on a daily basis?

[seesaw]

I think this is an excellent point. And I think it's a cautionary tale that online romances can get out of hand or over the top really quick because you fall in love with someone's words. But we all know that actions speak louder than words. And it's really easy to say things versus actually do them.

My last LDR was the opposite of yours. My boyfriend was amazing in person and then when he and I were separate, it was nearly impossible to get him to communicate sometimes. When he was in person he was attentive, romantic, sweet, and kind. When he would go back to his home, and we would continue online and over the phone, he became very inattentive, not returning calls for weeks at a time, not committing to things, or making promises that he couldn't keep.

I think, in your case, he was looking for someone to use. I know you had strong feelings for him, but I do think that his whole intent was to use you, even if he realizes that or not. Manipulators don't always realize that they are users; it's just something they do. They look out for themselves and don't really see how it affects the person they are using.

I think it's important in an LDR to spend a lot of time together before moving in together. So like extended visits where the person then goes back home are important to get a feel for a day-to-day relationship and see if it would work. When my ex would come to stay for a week, even though we slept in the same bed, I would set up the guest bedroom for him so he could have space for all his electronics, laptop, what have you, and a place to lay out his clothes, hang up clothes, etc. We both recognized that it was important for him to have some private space because 24/7 with someone, even someone you love can be irritating.

I also think that it's important to meet someone's family before moving in with them. Not that family is an accurate portrayal of who they are, because my family knows nothing about me and they spread lies about me for the most part, but it does give a window into who they are and/or their past, which is relevant when moving in together. So, before I move in with someone, I don't need to meet all their family but at least their family they're on good terms with. And I would introduce them to my mother, who although doesn't fully understand me, she has the most accurate picture of who I am, and the only one of my family I can tolerate because she's not entirely toxic or abusive.

Just some thoughts.

Seesaw

[frustlandlady]

What you describe can happen in typical face to face relatioships also. You can fall in love with the image that you imagine men should have... Many times this has to do with our inner needs and what we would like to recieve from a partner. But it does not mean that a person has the personality that you are "attaching" to them... (I don't know if that makes sense...) In long distance this is even more easy to happen perhaps...

Originally Posted by seesaw

I think this is an excellent point. And I think it's a cautionary tale that online romances can get out of hand or over the top really quick because you fall in love with someone's words. But we all know that actions speak louder than words. And it's really easy to say things versus actually do them.

My last LDR was the opposite of yours. My boyfriend was amazing in person and then when he and I were separate, it was nearly impossible to get him to communicate sometimes. When he was in person he was attentive, romantic, sweet, and kind. When he would go back to his home, and we would continue online and over the phone, he became very inattentive, not returning calls for weeks at a time, not committing to things, or making promises that he couldn't keep.

I think, in your case, he was looking for someone to use. I know you had strong feelings for him, but I do think that his whole intent was to use you, even if he realizes that or not. Manipulators don't always realize that they are users; it's just something they do. They look out for themselves and don't really see how it affects the person they are using.

I think it's important in an LDR to spend a lot of time together before moving in together. So like extended visits where the person then goes back home are important to get a feel for a day-to-day relationship and see if it would work. When my ex would come to stay for a week, even though we slept in the same bed, I would set up the guest bedroom for him so he could have space for all his electronics, laptop, what have you, and a place to lay out his clothes, hang up clothes, etc. We both recognized that it was important for him to have some private space because 24/7 with someone, even someone you love can be irritating.

I also think that it's important to meet someone's family before moving in with them. Not that family is an accurate portrayal of who they are, because my family knows nothing about me and they spread lies about me for the most part, but it does give a window into who they are and/or their past, which is relevant when moving in together. So, before I move in with someone, I don't need to meet all their family but at least their family they're on good terms with. And I would introduce them to my mother, who although doesn't fully understand me, she has the most accurate picture of who I am, and the only one of my family I can tolerate because she's not entirely toxic or abusive.

Just some thoughts.

Seesaw

Thanks, Seesaw.

That's interesting that you had the opposite experience. Kind of strange he couldn't be attentive when you were apart.

I agree that in an LDR you should spend a lot of time together before moving in. My ex and I did not do that. I believe he took advantage of me and yes, probably used me unconsciously.

I also agree that meeting family members is important. I didn't have that chance with mine.

Originally Posted by frustlandlady

What you describe can happen in typical face to face relatioships also. You can fall in love with the image that you imagine men should have... Many times this has to do with our inner needs and what we would like to recieve from a partner. But it does not mean that a person has the personality that you are "attaching" to them... (I don't know if that makes sense...) In long distance this is even more easy to happen perhaps...

Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes, true! And yes, that makes sense.

My experience was more positive.

Perhaps this was on account of past experiences and our older age. Not sure, but I do know I had different expectations of not just him but myself. No it wasn't making do persay rather going into the relationship with wide open eyes. I think so too our age and pasts made communicating easier. We both recognised it was a priority and as such not only made more of an effort to do so but a resolve to be honest too. And of course it was easier to set up boundaries and make them known. Believe me, it is so much easier to speak up at age 50 than it was at age 20 or 30.

The success of a long distance relationship has a great deal to do with how often the couple sees one another and the nature of the time they spend together when they do so. A 'Disneyland' relationship (one where you spend the time together going out, eating out, entertaining) is not very realistic as you really aren't spending realistic time together. Rather, the time spent shouldn't be treated as a 'visit' at all in my opinion. Do what you would do were you living together - make dinners and enjoy evenings at home, etc. Spend down time together. Treat one another's home as though it were your own.

My three year long distance relationship did have some rocky moments but we worked through that successfully and now we live in the same city together and it feels right.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

My experience was more positive.

Perhaps this was on account of past experiences and our older age. Not sure, but I do know I had different expectations of not just him but myself. No it wasn't making do persay rather going into the relationship with wide open eyes. I think so too our age and pasts made communicating easier. We both recognised it was a priority and as such not only made more of an effort to do so but a resolve to be honest too. And of course it was easier to set up boundaries and make them known. Believe me, it is so much easier to speak up at age 50 than it was at age 20 or 30.

The success of a long distance relationship has a great deal to do with how often the couple sees one another and the nature of the time they spend together when they do so. A 'Disneyland' relationship (one where you spend the time together going out, eating out, entertaining) is not very realistic as you really aren't spending realistic time together. Rather, the time spent shouldn't be treated as a 'visit' at all in my opinion. Do what you would do were you living together - make dinners and enjoy evenings at home, etc. Spend down time together. Treat one another's home as though it were your own.

My three year long distance relationship did have some rocky moments but we worked through that successfully and now we live in the same city together and it feels right.

I am glad you've had a positive experience! Very different than my own. I agree that the amount and quality of in person time spent is very important.

I have found though and generally speaking -- that when you're in person during a short visit, it's hard to confront or address any issues because you want the time spent to be all positive? Not sure if that is just me though. I have had three long distance relationships and found that to be the case.

[TishaBuv]

If I tried to have a LD relationship with my H, it would never have even gone anywhere. He wouldn’t have much to say. He doesn’t know how to flirt. I don’t think I’d have liked him at all. I never thought about that until now.

Our relationship, in person, is so different than a LDR would be. Interesting.

[TishaBuv]

I love the excitement of the LDR, pen pals, or phone calls. Waiting in anticipation, receiving the attention, having quality conversation, making plans... people are their most charming. They take time to give thoughtful responses. They put on their best face. They want to win you over. Then, when you live together, the mask is removed. It’s a more familiar, partner, other half, type of state.

[12AM]

I don’t find any difference with my fiancé in long distance or in person. It’s even more wonderful in person for sure. But he is just the same person I know all the time. I guess me and him are an exception

I think the key is communication. We and our significant other should always show each other our true personality while doing the long distance thing.

[divine1966]

I find the most challenging part of LDR is travel (taking time off and expenses). I had one LDR and he was a great guy both long distance and in person (I don’t see how people can pretend? Usually people reveal themselves pretty early on, we just have to pay attention).

We found it very difficult to continue relationship because we both had children at home at the time and it was brutal to negotiate travels with weeks on/off 50/50 custody and work obligations (not matching work schedule etc). Plus neither one of us would be able to move due to kids and work. Overall LDR isn’t a good option for busy people especially with kids.

My daughter is in LDR now. But they’ve met and dated in
real life, just ended up long distance. It’s stressful but they see each other quite often and plan on moving in the near future (some time next year). Travel is a challenge but she has a lot of days off/holidays off.

I think the issue is that people spend a very long time online or on The phone prior to meeting and then they are shocked it’s not what they expected. Guy that I ended in LDR with flew to see me two weeks after first conversation. No way on the planet I’d be on the phone with some stranger for months or years without meeting!

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I love the excitement of the LDR, pen pals, or phone calls. Waiting in anticipation, receiving the attention, having quality conversation, making plans... people are their most charming. They take time to give thoughtful responses. They put on their best face. They want to win you over. Then, when you live together, the mask is removed. It’s a more familiar, partner, other half, type of state.

Yes, although when people are on their best behavior, you're not seeing the real person, or the person in full. That's the main point of this post is that it's easy in LDRs for people to mask who they really are AND to win you over before you've met them for real and can see all of them on a more day-to-day basis.

[frustlandlady]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I am glad you've had a positive experience! Very different than my own. I agree that the amount and quality of in person time spent is very important.

I have found though and generally speaking -- that when you're in person during a short visit, it's hard to confront or address any issues because you want the time spent to be all positive? Not sure if that is just me though. I have had three long distance relationships and found that to be the case.

Yes, same case for me too. All the times that I met my current relationship (distance r) we didn't want to spoil our time together, because of the time limit we had and never brought up any issues that we had to solve during face to face meetings.

Originally Posted by frustlandlady

Yes, same case for me too. All the times that I met my last relationship (distance r) we didn't want to spoil our time together, because of the time limit we had and never brought up any issues that we had to solve during face to face meetings.

Exactly -- and I think that can be problematic. It makes the in person meetings all just rosey and perfection, and that is not so realistic.

Again, I am not saying that it cannot work by saying this. I just think that a LDR poses certain challenges and problems.

[Artchic528]

I have an LDR, and it's working just fine. Sure, some days the urge to be with him physically are strong, but it's not like I can do anything about it. There are no other guys in the world who want me. So yeah, it works out wonderfully. We are even discussing moving in together and getting married some day.

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I have an LDR, and it's working just fine. Sure, some days the urge to be with him physically are strong, but it's not like I can do anything about it. There are no other guys in the world who want me. So yeah, it works out wonderfully. We are even discussing moving in together and getting married some day.

I am glad you're happy and that it's working out for you. Just make sure to spend plenty of time together before moving in and/or before getting engaged. I made the mistake of getting engaged after just two visits together. Granted, it was under duress and under special circumstances (he became homeless so I moved him to be with me).

[TishaBuv]

I had a LD”R”. I’d say he was a catfish in it. He portrayed himself as something he wished he could be, but wasn’t. He was someone I knew from school, caught up with 20 years later, so I trusted him. It was a total disaster. Yuck! Never again. Lesson learned.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I had a LD”R”. I’d say he was a catfish in it. He portrayed himself as something he wished he could be, but wasn’t. He was someone I knew from school, caught up with 20 years later, so I trusted him. It was a total disaster. Yuck! Never again. Lesson learned.

I hear you! Sorry you had to go through that -- yes, lesson learned.