So I am definitely a loner and an introvert. I enjoy being alone. I don't enjoy doing things with people. Most people do end up hurting me and insulting me. For the most part I am happy with myself.

BUT... I am feeling that old itch. In the last year... I have gotten rid of a lot of "friends" and now that they are gone .. I am seeing maybe that wasn't the best thing. I want to have someone get me a present on xmas that doesn't suck. I want to have someone come over my house on occassion.

I need ONE good solid friend, male or female. I have to find one. But how.

I feel like I need to take advanced means.

1. the person needs to be like me. Work for most of my days and not a lot of time during the week.
2. the person needs to have my political views. I tend to attract people who are kind and compassionate.. which I am, but I am also tough and a little *****y. That typically comes as a suprise.
3. the person needs to be around the same age with the same concerns. Married women with kids need not apply because I don't want to spend my days talking about your kids (including your husband).

Now that I know what I want.. I need to determine where I could find this? Ironically I live in a small condo that is mostly women of my age and without kids... but for some reason they don't want to be friends with their neighbors. I suppose perhaps that is smart, (what if you have a falling out)

I feel like I have to take this slow and look for quality over quanity. But I need to find one.. surely there is one right?

[divine1966]

I found a couple of nice women who are around my age, also educated and busy with careers and full time jobs so they have no time during the week, share my political views, and they aren’t married, I am married but am neither attached to the hip nor talk non stop about men or kids lol

I’ve met them on meetup. Those meetup groups don’t exist no more but we still see each other just 2 or 3 or 4 of us at least once or twice a month. They are absolutely quality over quantity, no stupidity or trashiness allowed lol

Try that?

[FallDuskTrain]

You can find friends anywhere (I found couple at my local gym and philosophy club) but please allow me to say that finding friends doesn’t seem to be your problem. My concern is that you are putting too much pressure on the situation. Have you considered altering your opinion on friendship and/or revising your requirements?
There seems to be too many limitations and expectations on your end.
It is not always easy to have one solid friend. Everyone is a treasure and has something different to offer. Why do you want to find one solid person? Yes, It does sound safe and warm but also too much to put on one person.
I am sorry that I am asking these questions but I cannot understand your perspective. I usually beg to find good and kind hearted people (which has been very hard to find). I got no other requirement in a friend.
I am a loner as well and unfortunately I have isolated myself way too much. I understand the feeling.

[BreakForTheLight]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

You can find friends anywhere (I found couple at my local gym and philosophy club) but please allow me to say that finding friends doesn’t seem to be your problem. My concern is that you are putting too much pressure on the situation. Have you considered altering your opinion on friendship and/or revising your requirements?
There seems to be too many limitations and expectations on your end.
It is not always easy to have one solid friend. Everyone is a treasure and has something different to offer. Why do you want to find one solid person? Yes, It does sound safe and warm but also too much to put on one person.
I am sorry that I am asking these questions but I cannot understand your perspective. I usually beg to find good and kind hearted people (which has been very hard to find). I got no other requirement in a friend.
I am a loner as well and unfortunately I have isolated myself way too much. I understand the feeling.

I was reading list and thinking "yep, that sounds like exactly what I need as well!" And I'm sure a lot of (introverts?) Will feel the same way. We just don't want to have a ton of friends, but do need one person to confide in.

Sorry I can't be of much help, OP, since I haven't found a good friend either.... Just wanted to say I understand.

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

Have you considered altering your opinion on friendship and/or revising your requirements?
There seems to be too many limitations and expectations on your end.
.

Nope. I don't want a "friend" to have a "friend". I want a friend that adds to my life OR none at all. I currently have about 10 people who are "friends" who do nothing but use me. There are certain friendships you have to maintain in life to be polite but if you need someone... they won't be there.

I agree you can find faux friend anywhere. I am shooting for more.

I feel like we need a new word or something... friend due to facebook has been turned into like a semi available semi even know you person. I want a friend, who actually will be loyal... will be around... etc. I had these when I was younger.. surely there MUST be someone. I am willing to really work hard to find this person...

[orangyred]

I certainly resonate with some of this. A part of me doesn't mind being alone and I am an introvert and certainly would like a friend that I can emotionally connect with.

After much thought and consideration, though, I've opted not to look for that friend. I'll never have friends to hang out with. I'm not really the friend type. But all that said, it hasn't stopped it from seriously hurting and on some level wishing I could find that friend.

I hope you find what you are looking for in the friendship you so desire.

Emily I hope you won't be offended, because I understand that need for true friendship, but you do have some very specific expectations. I wonder if you are discounting people who may very well have turned out good friends.

For instance you could meet someone who did not work all week like you but was fine just to meet up when you were available. Or someone who had kids (maybe grown) who did not talk about their kids all the time or her husband either. Sometimes people enjoy having a break from their families.

I think similar political beliefs is a little more understandable, that makes for more accord. But otherwise I think different sorts of people can become good friends.

I do hope you can meet people who are good potential matches, but like I say it's possible those best matches may not be quite what you are describing.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

For instance you could meet someone who did not work all week like you but was fine just to meet up when you were available.

IMHO it doesn't tend to work. That person must fill their time and typically they do with someone else who isn't you and that they grow to like better and put first. Also, you spend 40+ hours at work and want to talk about it but, they have nothing to compare with the all friend inducing "I know what you mean" but, if you really don't... it is going to grate.

Or someone who had kids (maybe grown) who did not talk about their kids all the time or her husband either. Sometimes people enjoy having a break from their families.

I suppose it is possible but I haven't seen it. If you have kids.. your gonna talk about them. As I can tell by the 10 or so semi acquaintances who do fill my day with conversations about their kids even though I am working and how can they seriously think i care?

I am not just making up lines I just am learning from experience. I need to find fellow loners like me to have a "meaningful" relationship in the first instance.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

IMHO it doesn't tend to work. That person must fill their time and typically they do with someone else who isn't you and that they grow to like better and put first. Also, you spend 40+ hours at work and want to talk about it but, they have nothing to compare with the all friend inducing "I know what you mean" but, if you really don't... it is going to grate.


I suppose it is possible but I haven't seen it. If you have kids.. your gonna talk about them. As I can tell by the 10 or so semi acquaintances who do fill my day with conversations about their kids even though I am working and how can they seriously think i care?

I am not just making up lines I just am learning from experience. I need to find fellow loners like me to have a "meaningful" relationship in the first instance.

You can find meangful friendships with quality people who are similar to you but not exact clones.

People with adult children talk about them as much as others talk about other important matters. People who have pets talk about their pets, people with jobs talk about jobs, people with hobbies will talk about hobbies, people with siblings or nieces will talk about siblings or nieces etc As long as people don’t talk about it 24/7 that’s just how it is.

It’s not realistic to expect people only talk about specific things or things that matter to you. Close friend of mine (probably my best friend at the moment) doesn’t have kids but is close to her brother. I’d say she probably talks about her brother more than I do about my daughter (he has health problems).

If you want to form close friendship you’d care about the person so you’d listen to what matters to them. You’ll never find people who’d only discuss what matters to you. Well people might not be interested listening about other people’s jobs especially after work day. Or some people have such emotionally demanding jobs that the last thing they need is to talk about it after work day. Of people want to talk about their job only to people in the same field as it’s easuer to relate.

Also not working the entire week doesn’t mean people are looking for something to fill their time or aren’t busy. Some people work 12-14 hour shifts three days or nights a week, some work from home so their hours vary, some might not work all week but might have very time consuming hobbies and they might be selling what they make, which will make them very busy or maybe they are care givers for elderly parents half a day.

It’s not easy to find close friends as we are getting older but I’d say your expectations are a bit unrealistic

Originally Posted by divine1966

You can find meangful friendships with quality people who are similar to you but not exact clones.

Guys I am kind of getting sick of this. I asked for help in finding what I want and instead you tell me I have to change what I want. No. If you don't have anything to contribute on the subject of my post maybe you shouldn't respond.

Maybe this is why I am a loner.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to narrow down the possibles to realistic goals. Duh if I met a great friend who didn't have one of these qualities I wouldn't say, no way but, in the first instance, it is probably better to try to narrow the field to people I think I will have the best chances of lasting and meaningful friendship with based on past experiences.

I am tried of posting and getting "attacked" as if I don't know my own mind or if it is day one for me on this planet.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Guys I am kind of getting sick of this. I asked for help in finding what I want and instead you tell me I have to change what I want. No. If you don't have anything to contribute on the subject of my post maybe you shouldn't respond.

Maybe this is why I am a loner.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to narrow down the possibles to realistic goals. Duh if I met a great friend who didn't have one of these qualities I wouldn't say, no way but, in the first instance, it is probably better to try to narrow the field to people I think I will have the best chances of lasting and meaningful friendship with based on past experiences.

I am tried of posting and getting "attacked" as if I don't know my own mind or if it is day one for me on this planet.

I am sorry if I upset you. I want you to find a friend but I just don’t think that you would find such a person by how you described them and I thought revising your requirements might be a good idea, but I clearly am entirely wrong. Sorry. I wish you the very best in your search for friendship!

I think the previous posters were just taking a more realistic approach. If you don't want any feedback, perhaps in the future you could specify that in your first post so that people don't waste time typing out a well thought out reply?

[divine1966]

I will not post on the subject but for the future references how do we determine if we contribute on the subject on your posts? You said not to post if we have nothing to contribute but i thought everyone was contributing by making suggestions. It might not be contributing how you wanted people to cintrubute, but how do members know what kind of contribution you’d like?

In that case maybe you could place a small ad? Some dating agencies have sections for friends seeking friends. Specify your requirements in the ad.