Long and Complicated. Help please

Ok, before I tell you the story, I thank you in advance if you read it all.

A bit of a back story to give you a better picture to analyze the problem.

I haven't dated for the better part of 16 years. By choice, yes that means no sex. My husband cheated on me repeatedly and at first is was to protect myself. Then it was just to focus on raising my children and building my career. About nine years ago, I reconnected with a man I knew 15 years ago. He was married at that time. He was not married when we reconnected. He was however newly divorced. His ex-wife did a number on him. Cheating, manipulating, you name it, she did it most likely. He also waited until he was 25 before having sex, and he lost his virginity to her. For the better part of 8 years, he has 'played' the field so to speak. He has not let any woman get close to him, with the exception of me. We have been best friends for almost 9 years. We take vacations together, he runs big purchases by me, I am basically his surrogate wife. For the better part of that time we never had sex. Never touched sexually, his choice. I wanted too, repeatedly. I am sorry, this is so complicated, but I feel you need all the details in order to help me effectively.

About three years ago, he started sending sexual pictures and hinting at playing via text. Then he would request stories that I would write, all fictional, about us having sex. Basically, my fantasies. I of course, played along, because best friend or not. I love this man very much. I know he ex did a number on him. I am not foolish. But things have started to progress. From exchanging pictures, then it was the stories, then it was sexting. Out of the blue one day in October, he initiated staying over with me and saying I could touch him for the first time. And yes I mean sexually. We have shared a bed many times through the years so his staying the night was not abnormal. But this was new. He is highly introverted.

He made sure he had ground rules. I could only look at first. Next he insisted I touch him. anyway, we have not had sex, all foreplay. One time during our "sexting" he insisted I boss him around, completely new instance between us. He won't touch me most of the time. He says he is torturing me, because he does like to tease me in the rest of our interactions. He knows I am in love with him. He loves me, he has said so, but has stated it in the past as only a friend. All before the sexcapades started. Last night we almost consummated. All while he insisted that I touch him. He wouldn't touch me at all, he usually at least has his hands in my hair. Finally....I said to him and I quote "Want to know a secret?" He said "Sure" I stated "You know that if you just quit torturing me, we could start living out those stories and fantasies." His reply was, "Of course, but that's not a secret."

Okay, if you managed to read all of that, I am sorry it was so long. I just need help understanding him better. I know him better than anyone, but this is new territory. Thank you for your time.

What you're asking is very difficult to answer. What you present is what you see, (facts,) what is going on is in his head and, unfortunately, only he knows what's in there.

That being said, while I don't completely understand his actions, I can give you a glimmer of thought into my own mind.

After spending 20 years with a woman who is borderline, stepping out into the world again was a challenge. The rules had changed from back in the '70's. I also found it difficult to let myself go and fully enjoy the company of a woman. I am also an introvert, so tend to not make the first move. He may simply be waiting for YOU to take charge and cross the line he's created for himself. Remember, this would be ME NOT HIM! It is certainly possible he would bolt, but then again, I don't know him.

It sounds like he has fears of giving up control. He is "withholding" sexuality from you because it gives him some kind of control to protect him from potentially ending up feeling betrayed again. This doesn't sound like it's really about sex itself, it's about intimacy, he is afraid to trust you enough to be able to share his own wishes with you. That's probably why he asked you to boss him around, he is trying to discover all of your wishes so that maybe he would feel safer in sharing his own. He has probably felt betrayed in the past by women and is testing you to see how you compare to his past experiences.

The fact is only your bf knows what's going on in his head. (Perhaps he doesn't even really know. He may be just running on instinct, so to speak.) The question here, it seems to me, is... what are you going to do about the situation? You wrote that you love this gentleman. So I presume there is a strong commitment there. However, as you already realize, there are what appear to be some pretty big problems as well. And the two of you are not married yet. It's possible this is just the tip of the iceberg, as the saying goes.

So what occurs to me is that perhaps there is a need for some couples counseling here & / or some individual therapy for your bf so that he can figure out what it is that is going on with him, & so that the two of you can work through this situation together. (If he refuses, that may be a bad sign it seems to me.) Otherwise you're simply going to continue to fall deeper-&-deeper into a situation you don't understand & one you may come to regret. Is your love strong enough to make it worth the risk? Only you know the answer to that question. I wish you well...

Thank you everyone for your help. Yes it is complicated. There is more going on other than what I listed. I tried to be factual in hopes that would help. I know he has intimacy issues. I figured he kept me at a distance for so long for a reason. He does not want to lose me and he plans for our future together. Which confused me for so long. The fact that we are crossing in my opinion the final barrier is what gives me pause. I have longed for it, but it makes since that he is retaining control and setting the pace. Makes me wonder if and when we finally cross the last barrier if he will be ready for more or if he is taking it so slow because he doesn't want to hurt or lose me. I don't know. But what you all said helped to give me a bit more insight. Thank you all very much.

I would look at your own motivations in getting into a relationship of this sort and try to understand yourself.

To be perfectly honest, I know the situation is messed up. But I love this man completely. Other than wanting to be with him for the rest of our lives, I have no other motivation.

I'm glad you've found love. You've been through a lot.

He does come across as .... a little selfish (for lack of a better term) .... you can only touch him when he's in the mood .... he won't touch you ....

I don't know what to make of all of this - it's a confusing relationship. Any chance you can have a serious chat with him?

I'm not wasting my time trying to interpret what he's about.

Basically, you're settling for someone who will not give you anything. I would tell you to stop dealing with him and get some therapy to find out why you don't think you deserve a healthy relationship.

I tried but he doesn't like to talk. I thank you for your help. But I now know I mean nothing romantically to him. He made that clear to me tonight. Now I am faced with my next dilemma. It's okay. I did it to myself.