I don't want to hurt my bf and break up with him

I feel somewhat childish, inexperienced with relationships. I've had 2 long relationships (other than my husband who I was with for 5 years before we married). This last one has been over 2 years long.

It didn't take me long to realize there were things I might not be able to tolerate. But I'm inexperienced with addiction. He wasn't completely honest to me about how seriously he is dependent on his drug. He is just showing me the past 6 months the worst of him. Maybe longer than that. It came to pushing me to the floor when I was drunk last year. He said it was a rage. He's never done anything to me since then, except very irritable and verbally his words can hurt me a lot.

He likes everything to go smoothly. He says he understands that people have arguments, but it doesn't matter what I'm mentioning that I feel we need to communicate about, he will call it an argument. I do bring things up that I have before, but it is because things are unresolved until I get him to be clear about what he wants.

He wanted space, freedom, privacy. Fine. It's been over 2 years though, and it still feels like he wants to only see me one night a week. He doesn't treat me to dinners or buy me much. I'm not materialistic. But I do like to feel appreciated and most of the time I don't. I'm sometimes feeling used. Other times he makes me feel loved by the way he hugs me, cooks for me. But the cooking thing, is also a way to save money for him. What's wrong with going out for supper once in a while. He makes decent wages. He buys expensive things for himself. I get that it is his money and he can spend it as he wants to. It's just simple things, like he's gone and bought a coffee while with me and doesn't get me one. If i take too long shopping he gets irritable.

I know it doesn't look like we will work out. I know how it hurts though and I feel like I've given him so much of my heart. I feel like my heart will turn to a stone soon, it's been broken many times.

I told my bf this past weekend that I want to see someone else. He said "then I should be able to as well", so that's an agreement. I've seen this other man several times now. He is completely different. He has been more generous, but he's in too much of a hurry to be in a relationship. He's already saying somewhat jokingly, well this will be our bedroom someday, this will be our place. That's a bit creepy. I don't know much about him. And he not I, so I keep hinting that it takes a long time to get to know someone. He says he knows. But he said a few nights back "All men really want it sex". I said, well your honest. But not all men just want that. I want a man who cares to get to know me.

My bf knows me. Almost all of me. And has tolerated a lot of my crap.
But that doesn't mean I should keep investing my time in something that might not work. He's almost 60. Times running out for both of us. Retirement is around the corner. This other man is 3 years younger than me. He's more childish, I can see the difference between the two men. I'm confused and I want to give up on relationships, but I need love in my life, affection....

Have you thought about seeing a Therapist to help you look at your relationship? It sounds very unhealthy to me.

I’m sorry your hurting.

Thank you Christina,
I've asked him to get counseling for his addiction, he's adamant that he will not do that. He's been doing this for over 40 years, so I sort of understand that he just can't quit. It is unhealthy, for both of us. Me dealing with his irritability and him needing the drug. He keeps saying he doesn't need it, but "wants" it. It could be worse. It is cannabis, but his use is extreme. AT least 6 joints a day, more on weekends.
I could consider more counseling, but we are short on counselors again in my town. Maybe I'll think of an NA meeting, it might help me. I'm just confused, I feel I love him and I feel he will further hurt himself with his addictions if I leave him.

There are really a lot of significantly unhealthy and hurtful aspects of your relationship with your bf. I would suggest that a therapist for you would be helpful in thinking about what to do next.

(Smoking as much as your bf does, and for 40 years, makes me quite confident that he does need the drug, is an addict.)

I should find another counselor.

Neither of these two sound like promising partners for a healthy relationship. Not sure if it would work for you, but I took a one year moratorium on dating after making very bad choices for years. I did a lot of reflecting during that time and wound up meeting the man I've spent ten years with in a fairly stable/supportive relationship.

Do you think a temporary separation would help at all with the current bf? Make him miss you enough to change or make you realize you don't miss him as much as you thought you would?

My BIL is a pot smoker to that same degree. You should hear his hacking cough! My father “smoked himself to death” (my mother’s words) and these chronic pot smokers are, too. Asking them to stop is ridiculous. They won’t. They’d even get violent just from your prying about it. My sister is willing to watch him deteriorate and lets him do it. Are you willing?

I am considering not dating at all, and not seeing my bf. I don't think it would change him, but we'd both miss each other. We've spent some time apart but not enough to know how we'd really feel. I know he has broken up with me and felt like he made the right choice for himself, but he broke down and took me back. Honestly, it felt like I compelled him to feel like he had to take me back though. I feel like he needs me or he will become worse. Vice versa.

I don't want to watch him deteriorate at all, I want him to be healthier. He wrote in a letter to me a long time ago that he wants to quit cigarettes and cut down considerably on his weed use. But I can't control it, I can't question him, I can't tell him I think he's using too much because it is his choice, not mine. He also drinks.

I know in my head that neither man is a good healthy choice for me. Reality is different, I'm around 50, I'm disabled and may not work again, I'm no prize for anyone. That sounds stupid. That's not my words. I feel like I'm a good person, I'm honest and kind. I have depression and it can be bad. I can be quite annoying to people if I need someone too much. I am needy for attention. I'm finally wanting to enjoy some of my time instead of worrying so much about my friends and family.

I feel selfish but if I don't think of my needs I'll go downhill, and I'm tired of the depression and the guilt and shame. I never had a good relationship. I don't know how to put a trigger here, I forgot..... I don't think it would help to explain why I want to stay with him anyways. There was

Trigger

Abuse in my past. Raped. He helped me to feel better in certain ways.


Even though this relationship isn't amazing and sounds very unhealthy, I have a hard time picturing myself alone at home unless I find work. Volunteering is almost impossible to find in my town. It is very rural. His city has more things available for me. I was thinking of a future, being with him, and working as a volunteer or cutting hair again. Yet he wants his space, freedom, privacy.

After over 2 years and a lot of time together, we should both be able to know if we can make this work. But neither of us is sure of anything.

Well I'm looking back and resurrecting this thread for my own benefit. I clearly had some good insight back in January. It didn't change. I did my part in contributing to the end of things, but when the other partner does nothing to talk about the problems and come to a solution, well, in my case, I went and had a breakdown that really ended it. I'm actually very surprised that I feel relief. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. But I know I couldn't live with him the way things are, even to date him anymore *we didn't live together, only temporary stays
What a shame though, all my love and effort gone..... but I will always have some good times to think of..... it's just that if I allow myself to think of those good times right now I will fall back into some false hope that there will be another time again to feel his warmest hugs.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Addiction isn't a friend to anyone, not the addict or the addict's partner or family. This ex was just wanting you to be his enabler and fit into HIS lifestyle pattern. You ended up breaking down and finally realized you could no longer psychologically deal with living your life according to HIS wants and needs. It sounds like you tend to end up in relationships where you fall into living your life according to your partner's needs and that is what you are used to what you know HOW to do. This is probably due to the environment you grew up in where you had to learn to live around the needs of others so when you end up with a partner you unknowingly pick a partner that puts you into that very same role you played that was familiar to you on a subconscious level. Alas, we are creatures of "habit" so that can mean we unknowingly choose unhealthy patterns simply because it's so ingrained in us. When you "miss" a partner even though that partner was unhealthy to live with, you are missing the pattern the most, NOT the person. A lot of people make that mistake, myself included, so don't beat yourself up for it and give yourself a chance to get used to no longer following the pattern you got used to living with. The human brain is set up to "learn" by doing and that's what you unknowingly did. Old habits die hard, well, that saying is true and the older someone gets the more ingrained these habits get and it's hard to let go of them, it's that way for everyone.

Wow, all I can say is a big thank you. You really do understand this, I don't know how you do, but I thank you. I'm struggling with my father being ill right now, and my own health issues, but this gives me a break in a way from the habit of going to see him. I'm so tired, so I'm having some difficulty typing, but I really think you absolutely got this one down. I'd like to look back at this sometimes to remind myself of these things. hugs back to you

Just correcting something, I meant my dad needing me because he is ill is giving me a break from the thoughts of wanting to see my bf like I did almost every weekend.