How do I trust my boyfriend again?

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now. He is also 4 years younger than me, but he has always been very mature for his age and that's the reason I agree to be with him. We are also long distance living across the country from each other.

Our relationship has always been really great and he would go above and beyond for me. We have visited each other multiple times and met each other's friends and family. During our 6 month into the relationship, we got into a really big fight which led to me calling it quits because I was so frustrated with him. He ended going out with friends to a party and got blacked out drunk because he was really upset. We were fighting over text all night and decided that we would talk about it in the morning when I got some rest and he had sobered up. He told me the next day that he had kissed one of his friends and he apologized profusely about how stupid it was and he didn't mean to do it to hurt me. It took me a good 3-4 months to fully get over it. But I don't think I really had.

Lately, we have been hitting a lot of bumpy obstacles and I started making a list of things that need to be discussed if we wanted to move forward as a couple. He agreed that it was an excellent idea, but has not set aside time out of his schedule to do it. He is still in school studying engineering and also training in the military along with a part time job, so I understand he is really busy. But I feel like I barely even get time with him anymore and I really want to go over things with him because it's starting to eat me alive. I'm also super insecure when he goes out when we have an argument now because I'm terrified he would do something again even if he hasn't done anything since that kiss. I just don't know what to do. He tells me he loves me alot and wants to work towards a future together, but now I'm just frustrated because I don't feel like a priority. HELP!

IMO The kiss could have been a one time thing all you can do about this is trust your instincts about this.
I was in the Air Force for over 6 years--usually I worked 44-50 hours a week (M-F and occassionally on the weekend) plus quarterly exercises where I worked from 6 PM -6 AM for 2 or 3 days. I had a job where I didn't deploy. Some military jobs involve a lot of deployments where you travel to training exercises or real life missions lasting from 3 days to 8 weeks or long term deployments away from your spouse/family for an entire 1-2 years. Though it did not happen that often, I traveled for work and training occassionally. Everyone has some training they travel to during different parts of their career. Since he is going into the military, if you marry, there will be times when your relationship will continue to be long distance so trusting him will be important.
Good luck figuring this out. Hugs.

Hello nat: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Having read your post I have to say, in the kindest way possible, that I think you may be over-reacting to what occurred. From my perspective at least one drunken kiss, after the two of you had fought & you had called it quits, is really not grounds for the kind of reaction you wrote you're having. Assuming, for a moment, that you're at least considering the possibility the two of you will try to make a life together, there are going to be many more difficult challenges ahead. Trust me on that one. (I've been married for 38 years!) Maintaining a long-term romantic relationship requires an ocean liner of compassion & forgiveness!

Yes, from what you wrote, it sounds as though your bf is extremely busy... perhaps too busy to give you, & your relationship, the kind of attention it deserves. Perhaps the best way to handle this is simply to tell him, straight out, how you're feeling about it & see if the two of you can perhaps talk it though. The reality may well be, though, that given all of the things he has on his plate, there may just not be much he can do about it. And if that just can't work for you, (& that's okay if it can't) perhaps that is a sign that this relationship simply can't be permanent & the two of you need to go your separate ways.

Having written all of that, though, here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of healing after infidelity. These articles deal with more serious cases of infidelity than you describe in your post. However perhaps what they say can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/dealing-with-betrayal/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/affair-...uilding-trust/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...by-infidelity/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infid...onship-cancer/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/can-yo...vive-cheating/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

Hi Nat, I think that from what you said this man is very busy. Does not sound like he has much time for himself let alone for you. I would back off the working on your relationship talk to him. I would be happy and upbeat when you spend time together and not worry about the other stuff. Make your time with him enjoyable for both of you. Maybe you can not be a priority right now, but that does not mean that you are not important. Dont push the other stuff right now. Just relax and enjoy like I said, hopefully things will mellow out with his schedule, in the mean time find some things to keep yourself busy, read, hobbys, join a club or group, volunteer! Something that makes you feel happy and useful1

I'm curious to know, what are the bumpy obstacles you've been facing? It seems from what you've written that there are continued arguments.. what are these about? Have you called it quits again with him since that one fight?

If you've broken up again after he kissed someone, then I would be concerned as well about him doing this again.

It seems important to you to want to address the issues. You could tell him, I know you're busy, but please tell me when we can discuss these things. I need for you to set some time aside.

Long distance relationships are NOT easy. It takes more work in my opinion for it to really work out long-term. It takes strong communication skills. And since he's military, there will be other long distance periods in your relationship. Solid trust and strong communication will be needed.

Now, he kissed someone while you were broken up, so that doesn't constitute cheating, but it's understandable that you may feel more insecure now.

You're gonna have to work on trust with him and on resolving any conflicts/arguments. I would suggest trying to resolve the argument before he goes out for the night, if possible. If not, then you could tell him, let's resolve this is the morning, and I trust that you're not going to do anything that would hurt our relationship just because we're arguing right now... I know that happened while we were broken up, but I just need to trust that it won't happen again.

That kind of thing doesn't need to be said every time, but it may be good to communicate just once.

Also, why did you get so frustrated with him to the point of calling it quits with him? To me, this spells trouble... whenever I have done that myself, the relationship eventually ended, by my own doing. It indicates that something is wrong.... I am not saying yours will be the same, but it's not a good sign. It's a sign of something not working well enough.

Just try to calmly tell him that you want to discuss certain issues. As soon as he's available. I think there's hope for your relationship, so don't give up hope.

I think it's the part where it was less than 5 hours of us falling out that the kiss incident took place. And his excuse was that he was hurt and heartbroken and he didn't care about anything. i think that's what makes me insecure that I felt so disrespected from him doing something like that in that small time frame. It's almost like whenever we get into an argument now and he goes out for the night, I get anxious and feel like it would happen again. Or I instantly get annoyed when he tells me he's going out for the rest of the night. It's so hard to shake it and he doesn't understand how much that has scarred me because I've never done anything remotely close to that. I don't remember the specifics of the fight but i do remember us being upset and instead of him talking it out, he was too busy at a house party and go super drunk and made the situation even worst because he stopped drunk calling me and i got frustrated at that point.

As far as his military career that I'm aware of, he just finished his dp2 last summer and just regular night shift work from 7-11pm on wednesdays and full day training on Sunday. He's in the Reserves for CAF if that makes any difference to the situation