[seeker1950]

I really don't know what to think of my only sister, and her attitude about our mother. As I've shared with all of you here, Mom has terminal cancer. I brought her home from the hospital and Hospice is helping us. For now, Mom is able to get around a bit here in my little house using her walker. She is still mentally alert and not in grave pain, but her time could be very short.
I have taken 4 days off work this past week to help Mom, and get her situated in my home. This evening my sister and her husband brought things from Mom's house to help her feel more at home here. As my sister was leaving, I told her I'd need her help next week and I'd have to go back to work on Monday. Her response, was I'd have to take medical leave because she (sister) "can't handle it." Also, "this was why I didn't want you to do this" (bring Mom home) because it's too stressful for my sister. She even said this right outside Mom's bedroom with Mom fully awake!
My sister doesn't have to work, and never has. All she does is decorate and redecorate her house, and go to church and feel warm and fuzzy.
I'm hurt and I'm hurt for my mom.
Sorry...I just had to vent!
Patty

[sabby]

Oh ((((((((((((( Patty )))))))))))))

I'm so sorry this has happened. It always seems as though there is one sibling that takes on the truly difficult situations with the parents and other siblings who "can't handle" it or don't have time *sigh*. How frustrating for you. Also not a good thing for mom to hear from her daughter...but then again...maybe she needs to know exactly where your sister stands....hard lesson but necessary maybe?

I do so hope you look into visiting nurses or hospice services. They should be able to help you in your quest to find time for you and your job too. How about contacting some churches in your area or even a seniors service that may have folks that can come in and keep mom company while you work??

There is almost always an answer to our problems out there. Sometimes its a matter of asking the right questions and keeping our eyes open to the possibilities.

*Gentle Hugs*
sabby

[seeker1950]

Dear Sabby,
Thank you for your kind words. I helps me deal with the situation just to read your words of wisdom and compassion. I wonder about that: compassion! Where is my sister's compassion?
PC feels more than ever like my true family now, as I have no one else to turn to in times like these.
Love and gratitude,
Patty

[bebop]

Patty when my mom got sick I lived 200 miles away. I have a brother that lived 10 miles. his wife did not work. she would not go help my mom at all. guess who did? me. I know what you are going thru and it stinks. not to defend your sister but some people can't handle caring for the sick or more like won't so they make excuses. We are all here for you. if you want to know things about this please feel free to pm me. my mom had the same cancer. you are not alone hon.

[Pita]

(((Seeker)))) I understand your hurt for yourself and your Mom. However, some people just cannot step outside themselves and do what they should do. When my Mom was dying of cancer, friends of mine paid to fly my brother and young nephew into town and put them in a hotel. Another friend let them use her truck. They were in town a week. If they spent 2-3 hours a day with my Mom that was a lot - my brother went to see his friends. I came to realize then that my brother just could not handle it - my Mom was always very strong and never sick and he just could not deal with it - plus I think he had some guilt issues because my sister-in-law decided she did not like us and kept my young nephew from seeing his grandmother (her only grandchild) and me for many years and my brother did nothing. My young nephew did far better when he was with my Mom - he would just sit and hold her hand. When my Mom passed away, my brother at first said he could not come to her service because of his job (after I had set it up for a Friday evening.) Then when the same friends guaranteed him that they would get him home even if they had to charter a flight, he admitted that he just could not handle it. I did not understand and still really don't - my Mom brought us up to do what we have to do even if it was tough. Your sister will have to live with her choices down the road and even though it will be very tough for you - you will be able to look at yourself and say that you did everything that you could do and that you took care of your Mom in the absolute best way possible - by having her home and by being with her. Take care Seeker and you and your Mom will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[seeker1950]

Dear Sabau, Pita and Bebop,
I am fine with giving most of the care to my mother. After a night of rest, my sister called me and told me she would be here Monday while I go to work. Whether this lasts with my sister, I won't know. Mom was somewhat irrational last night while my sis was here, and she was fussing at Debby (sister). That was what got my sister all in a dither. I expect this from Mom, who wants to be in control of everything, and always has been this way. I just accommodate Mom for now, as I know her time is short.
When my sister called, she asked if I was stressed, and I said NO, which is true. I like having Mom here despite her quirks! I tried to give my sister some laughter and calm her.
Love
Patty

You are surely a good daughter and a good sister.

Patty, to be honest with you-- I had to take care of my mom after her hip surgery and it was a huge struggle to stay "gounded". My mother was one of the few person's that contributed to the PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) I experienced in childhood-- it's so upsetting to be with her even today-- she won't allow her children to be emotionally close, if you try you will be accused of horrible things like stealing from her. It was so so so extremely hard to be there taking care of her. I don't think I'll be able to do it again without losing myself completely.

I don't know your sister's childhood experiences but maybe some upsetting feelings come back to her when she's around your mom??..... maybe some feelings that she's tried with all her strength to push aside and go on living.... maybe--- you think-- that she could feel it's too much of an emotional task for her, that she is not up to?......

I may be way off here-- just thought I'd share my experience to show that we are not all the same and what is good for one person-- like you--- may be more damaging to someone else-- like perhaps your sister.......

I do wish you all the support you can get and we are all here listening and caring.

Patty--

mandy

[seeker1950]

Hi, Mandy,
You are right about the childhood abuse issues. I, being the older daughter, got the brunt of it. I don't recall my sister experiencing anything near what withstood from Mom, but she was obviously affected as well.
As I said before, this is a time for healing for me in regard to mother, but maybe not for my sister.
One thing I've noticed that is different in the way we two sisters respond to Mom is that I am not internalizing her behavior like I used to, while it seems my sister still does so. It has only been within the past couple of years that I have learned to handle things this way.
Thank you all.
Love
Patty

[bebop]

Patty I am glad your sister has finally agreed to give you a hand. Time is so important right now. You just never know how quickly they will decline to the point you are going to need to be there all the time. take all the help you can while you can hon.

[ECHOES]

Patty, You do seem to be very strong and I'm sorry your sister isn't as strong so that she can help. I suspect she is in great pain and denial of your mom's terminal state of health. That's part of grief and it is different for each of us. Included in there is our own comfort or discomfort about our own mortality.

I understand your frustration though because you need help, your mom needs help, and your sister seems to be available. Maybe she could come 'learn' how to help by being there when you are and then could eventually do it alone. I know your mom's time may be short and that's certainly a consideration.

Could she then help you with the cost of having qualified and loving caretakers come in to help?

for you and your mom, and your sister too.

[seeker1950]

I talked to my sis this morning about how she is "internalizing" this situation with Mom, and tried to comfort her. Later today she brought some things for Mom like nightgowns and slippers, and she was very helpful, also insisting that she will be here tomorrow morning before Ieave for work. I don't know how she will do when I'm at school, but she seemed to be handling things much better today.
Thanks and love to you all.
Patty

[bebop]

that is wonderful hon. sometimes it takes a few days for the shock to wear off and step up to the plate. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers hon