[IcryWhoAmI]

This thing keeps happening to me where I make a new online friend, but then it somehow turns into a flirty relationship. Problem is I'm already taken and I do always tell them but they still end up wanting to be with me anyway, and I don't know how to deal with it so we just drift apart eventually. This is maybe the 4th time its happened, and we were getting along so well, but now he's declared his feelings and wants to be with me and now its all messed up cause of me.

If this is happening 4 times, you may want to look at how you are communicating with these guys. Are you flirting with them, possibly leading them on, without being aware of it? If that is the case, it is time to establish boundaries and only talk to them as a friend, flirting shouldn't happen if you are in a committed relationship (unless your partner is ok with that kind of thing)

That being said, if you already have these boundaries up and engage in no flirting, then you have just had the bad luck of running into people who want to be more than friends. You can't be faulted for that.

[ArchieAus]

Have female online friends , remove the ( well 95% chance of remove ) the possibility of it turning into a romantic situation for either party . Yeah I know dinosaur attitude , but this is the 4th time it's happened as you say.

[IcryWhoAmI]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

If this is happening 4 times, you may want to look at how you are communicating with these guys. Are you flirting with them, possibly leading them on, without being aware of it? If that is the case, it is time to establish boundaries and only talk to them as a friend, flirting shouldn't happen if you are in a committed relationship (unless your partner is ok with that kind of thing)

That being said, if you already have these boundaries up and engage in no flirting, then you have just had the bad luck of running into people who want to be more than friends. You can't be faulted for that.

I don't realize i'm doing it most of the time or until its too late, and I know I shouldn't be obviously and I don't know why I do, it just happens.

[IcryWhoAmI]

Originally Posted by ArchieAus

Have female online friends , remove the ( well 95% chance of remove ) the possibility of it turning into a romantic situation for either party . Yeah I know dinosaur attitude , but this is the 4th time it's happened as you say.

I don't get along with girls.

Originally Posted by IcryWhoAmI

I don't realize i'm doing it most of the time or until its too late, and I know I shouldn't be obviously and I don't know why I do, it just happens.

Well this is something to work on then, because it is causing you distress (and likely distress to these 4 guys as well). Pay close attention to what you say to these males, as well as how you say it. Work hard to ensure that each of these individuals is in the friend zone, and knows it.

It might also be worth considering what this flirting behaviour rewards you, since it seems to be a pattern. Perhaps it is a self-confidence booster, or you like the attention? Just a thought.

[TishaBuv]

They don’t want to be your friend. They want to have sex with you. That is what they want. Do not fool yourself that these online men are looking for a woman pen pal. How naive can you be?

[IcryWhoAmI]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

They don’t want to be your friend. They want to have sex with you. That is what they want. Do not fool yourself that these online men are looking for a woman pen pal. How naive can you be?

I dont know what kind of guys you talk to, but the ones I talk to are not like that. I'm not an idiot.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by IcryWhoAmI

I dont know what kind of guys you talk to, but the ones I talk to are not like that. I'm not an idiot.

I’m sorry I said that so bluntly. But, c’mon... you know it’s true.

[IcryWhoAmI]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I’m sorry I said that so bluntly. But, c’mon... you know it’s true.

its not, and you shouldnt stereotype

Are you happy in the relationship that you are in? Is it progressing the way that you want it to?

[TishaBuv]

You are in a relationship, but you are meeting men online just looking for friendship, and you don’t like women, just want online friendship with men. You are adamant that they are also just looking for platonic online friendship with taken you, yet are baffled why they begin to flirt and then you drift apart and can’t understand why.

You say I am generalizing, but I’m not because these men’s flirting actions prove what I said is true.

I’m only trying to help clarify things for you, not argue with you. This is all I’ll say about it.

1. How does your SO feel about your online friendships with men?
2. Why do you want online friendships with men?
3. Maybe if you have a hobby of something in common with these guys, there can be a strictly platonic way to be friends because that hobby is what bonds you. I’m not sure where you are meeting these male ‘friends’.

[ArchieAus]

It's so easy to stand on the moral high ground . I could say " don't do or say anything that you would not do if your partner was next to you " easy , simple , solved .... ah hang on . "Have you ever looked at a pornagraphic picture on the net Arch ? ".."well yes Arch , once or twice I have , but you know , just for study purposes " ...." ahhh , so your partner is there looking also huh ?" ..." uhmm , no , I've sure she wouldn't mind , but as luck would have it , she wasn't there ...no " ..... " copy that , so that takes you off the perfect list ".........
You see this sort of thing in the work environment as well as apparently online ( I don't chat to people online so am assuming and have heard ) .. the flirting behaviour , the unspoken and guarded messages ... all just harmless fun I suppose , unless it's not . One of my colleagues lost his family and about $1 mill with "harmless fun" ... I suppose it's some sort of thrill , or that feeling of the chase ? ...no idea really , I'm out of my depth now . Luckily I'm 52 and have a head like a robbers dog so I don't need to guard against such things . I've had people 20 years my junior give me compliments in the work environment . I make a point of not answering just as if I never heard .
I wish the OP good fortune and good thinking . There's a recurring issue there which needs to be addressed . No one is perfect , but you have to try your best to be as true and honest as possible .

[Talthybius]

When I am in love with someone, I'd rather talk to them intensely for 1 hour, or cuddle or look into each other's eyes, than have sex. You want the complete romance. Saying someone is just out to have sex when they want a honest true romance is demeaning.

Yes, they may want more and they may want to steer a platonic relationship into a romantic one. But why is that blamed on shallow horniness? If the other person wasn't an interesting person (whatever they are attracted to personality-wise), it also wouldn't be happening.

As for the OP, normally I would say, don't blame yourself. If you have an attractive personality and are good looking, a lot of males are going to notice. And they are going to try. They can't help themselves. If they are attracted to you, it will hurt. And if you say that you are unavailable, but then flirt anyway, they either will be confused, or they won't be able to help themselves. Even if they would never be interested in you if you would cheat on your partner.

That said, the fact that this happens online, and in a sense is artificial, rather than offline and more natural, is maybe a bit questionable. If I was looking for a platonic friendship with a female, I wouldn't do it online. What is the context of this online medium where these friendships develop? It is a bit strange, I must admit.

Still, a relationship between a male and female is always going to be hard. Let's assume the two people are really soulmates. Why are they not romantic life partners? One of them, or both, just isn't romantically (read: sexually) attracted to the other. That is not a nice thing to have to admit to in a relationship between soul mates.

Even if there is a mutual understanding, somehow, that no romance is to happen, when you are single, feeling down, rejected even, it is nice to realize that your friend doesn't just see in you a friend, but also an attractive potential mate. I mean, if I am really close with a female, and I never acknowledge her femininity, her attractiveness, she should feel some insecurity about it, justified or not. And if she knows I find her attractive, and we are best platonic friends, why isn't something more happening?

And even beyond the feelings of the two people involved, what if one has a partner and the other is single? Do they get jealous?

-There are a few cases where there are no problems. The male and female friends both have partners, so everything is settled and the friendship evolved into a 4-way friendship.
-Both are homosexual.
-Both consider the other physically unattractive.
(-Both consider the other attractive in general, but unattractive to their personal taste.)

Personally, I want more platonic friendships with female. But I don't like the idea of having one with a not so attractive female that finds me unattractive as well. And I am single and not homosexual. That said, I have met females that I know are attractive, but who have left me cold. I am not sure if that is just because of their personalities. In some cases, their personalities were perfectly fine, as far as I could tell. I couldn't imagine something romantic happening between me and them, because of how they looked or because of their body language, even though they were nice persons and I could easily be friends with them. But I think that is rare and the lack of physical attraction could probably be overcome.

I would also hate it if my best friend was female and thought I wasn't physically attractive.

That all being said, since it has been 4 times, since you are in a relationship, I agree with evaluating why female friendships are a problem. My experience is that females are much more mature, richer in the diversity of experiences they are looking for, balanced, etc. They may on average be a bit less interesting, or intense, or maybe some other things. But for a platonic friend, ignoring romance, I think females have more to offer.

So,,, you don't get along with women, so you seek out friendships with men. That is Ok, as long as boundaries are established and your boyfriend doesn't mind. Why don't you get along with women? Just curious!

Since it's happened four times, perhaps your boundaries are nos strong enough. You have to make it very clear from the beginning that you strictly want platonic friendship and are not looking for flirtation and/or sex. They probably will not engage with you further, unless they hope you will change your mind.

[TishaBuv]

Silly question— How does one meet people online?

Not a silly question. We don't meet until or if we see each other. There is no way of knowing if the person is who they say they are, how honest they are about themselves. I've found people don't really know each other until you start sharing more space, maybe even living together. Somehow reality sets in, nasty hidden habits come out, personalities clash etc. I once thought I was in love with a man I liked and only knew online, skype calls ...it took me years to realize I could not say I love you, to him, and really mean it. I still am tempted to believe I love him. But until you know all the parts of someone that aren't "all so pretty" we can't KNOW someone.

Btw, for the o.p. I get along better with men as well. I think it's because they can be quite logical and less easily led or distracted by emotions. Just my thoughts

[LadyShadow]

I know this may sound silly, but four times is nothing girl! Do you have any idea how many "online friends" I have gone through over the years? Male and female, (I know you don't like women, but I suggest you look into that, because sisterhood is a fabulous thing, even online!).

The point is, I have come to accept that it is the nature of the internet, and online interactions these days. I am not agreeing with people's behavior, or even why they do the things they do when talking to people online, but I have learned that people regard most of their online friends as very disposable, so this happening four times is small potatoes, honestly.

So if you want healthy platonic relationships, that actually last and have some weight, I would venture outside the internet. And by the way, these are my opinions purely based on my experience, I am sure there are people who have long lasting online friendships, I just haven't encountered that.

[TishaBuv]

I mean, literally, how do you make friends online. I am on facebook where I am connected with people I know, so that could nurture friendships, maybe even man/woman platonic friendships (except that would only happen based on some shared hobby, work, etc...), I am on other social media to promote my business where I connect with people, but we don’t get into friendly conversations. And I am on here, where we share a goal of self help, and the friendship stays on here due to the nature of therapy.

Since I am married, I am not in single’s sites.

Now, I am always getting these friend requests and “hi” from many male strangers through the social media portals. But I never respond to them!

[TishaBuv]

Aside from social media to keep in touch with astranged family and quasi friends, and sites where I shamelessly self-promote in hopes of attracting business, and here, there’s no where to go on the internet aside from shopping.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I mean, literally, how do you make friends online. I am on facebook where I am connected with people I know, so that could nurture friendships, maybe even man/woman platonic friendships (except that would only happen based on some shared hobby, work, etc...), I am on other social media to promote my business where I connect with people, but we don’t get into friendly conversations. And I am on here, where we share a goal of self help, and the friendship stays on here due to the nature of therapy.

Since I am married, I am not in single’s sites.

Now, I am always getting these friend requests and “hi” from many male strangers through the social media portals. But I never respond to them!

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Aside from social media to keep in touch with astranged family and quasi friends, and sites where I shamelessly self-promote in hopes of attracting business, and here, there’s no where to go on the internet aside from shopping.

Simply put, there are SO many forums out there besides this one (I know I don't have to tell you that), and people contact and converse through private messages, including sites like Facebook that have the messanger set up, so people end up talking frequently on them and eventutally make friends and a connection.

Sites like Reddit.com is a completely vast space where someone can get lost in it for hours, and they even have a "personals" section where people can connect on sites with voice/cam such as Discord and Skype, and connect more than just words on a screen although it is all still digital.

And then for people who remember the days of AOL and "You've Got Mail" there are countless chat sites out there people chat in chatrooms and then message each other privately, and then take it from there.

People have even gotten married through these means, so yes, you can make friends online, and there are plenty of people who do it.