[Albatross2008]

OK, I have a wonderful husband and I love him. My life is a lot better with him in it than it was before we met. He works hard, he's totally honest and dependable, and when I had gallbladder surgery recently, he took excellent care of me.

But no marriage is perfect, and here's the problem in this one.

I've been noticing for some time now that I'll tell him something, he'll acknowledge it, and then a few minutes later he'll ask a question that makes it obvious he didn't get a word I said. Or, I'll ask a question, and he'll give me a non-sequitur answer. He misunderstands me a lot, which is his evaluation of the situation. And it's not his hearing, which has been checked.

There could be many possible medical explanations.

But I couldn't get him to see that there was a problem, and agree to get checked out, until something happened at work. I won't say what happened exactly, out of respect for him because he's very embarrassed about it.

And I've noticed that pattern quite a bit. He doesn't listen to what I say, until someone else says it too. Then he'll often say he misunderstood what I was trying to tell him, and it didn't register until the other person said it.

The fact that lack of communication was causing an issue in our *marriage* wasn't enough to get him to agree to be evaluated. He had to wait until it started causing an issue with his *job.* Now he's having all kinds of tests done.

I'm not mad at him for this. I just want to know why it happens.

Do I simply communicate badly? Am I not worth listening to, so that it doesn't count until someone else says it?

I would say that if he is having issues at work then it isn't about how you communicate. What kind of tests is he having run?

[RubyRae]

I really don't think it's you,I think it's him.And I will probably get backlash for saying this but I think it's a guy thing.

My husband does the same thing.And it's really hurtful to me because I feel like I am not worth listening to or something.Like I am so taken for granted than he simply doesn't care what I am saying.Of course he says he loves me,and I believe he does,but I sure don't like that he does this.

I am curious how your husbands tests will turn out.I hope everything turns out good.My husband has had all kinds of tests done and I feel he has 'selective hearing',meaning he just hears what he chooses to and tunes me out most of the time.

When you are talking to your husband or asking him these questions, is he currently paying attention to something else like the TV or the computer or a book? I struggle with having a one track mind. If I'm on the computer and my boyfriend says something to me, I will often completely miss it and have to get him to repeat. I just can't focus on more than one thing at a time. Perhaps your husband struggles with this as well? I can understand your frustration though.

[seesaw]

I think this may be a concentration thing. I have noticed my stepdad does this a lot with my mom, although he doesn't respond. She talks to him while he's watching tv, or reading, or looking at his phone and then he responds not really understanding what she was talking about. When people start to talk to me when I'm doing something, I actually interrupt them and ask them to wait until I'm done and then I engage them in conversation with my full attention. I can't hear them and be responding to an email at the same time.

Seesaw

Yeah. You say something and it's in one ear and out the other. Two weeks later he's telling you something that you already told him. Or, you tell him something and it's like, 'Yes Dear,' or, 'Okay Honey,' and he's never really heard what you said at all. But since it is happening at work I think it is more than placating behavior.

[Albatross2008]

To answer questions:

He's having blood work, a brain scan, and a sleep study. Doctor thinks it could be as simple as his blood sugar being off (he's diabetic) or sleep apnea, both of which can affect concentration. It's going to be a while before we see results. It's even going to be more than a week before we can schedule the brain scan. And that's on the "urgent" timeline.

That's another thing. At first the doctor had scheduled it on the "normal" timeline, which would take even longer to get it to happen. Then my husband told him what happened at work, and the doctor immediately bumped the tests to the "urgent" track. "I didn't realize your job was being affected."

It's OK to have the marriage affected, but we CAN'T let it cause problems on the job! The job is SO much more important than the marriage! Why is that?

On the other hand, this happens too. I say something, and he gives me no indication that he even heard me. He doesn't look up, doesn't nod, doesn't say a word. So I'll repeat myself, and he says, "I heard you the first time."

If he doesn't acknowledge me, how am I supposed to know he heard and understood?

If he acknowledges me, how am I supposed to know he didn't hear and understand?

[ArchieAus]

Sounds like your guy has many amazing qualities . Here's hoping the tests find an easily treatable condition and he can get back to how I assume he was before you noticed this issue . I don't think it's a reflection on your relationship that an event at your man's work has brought this to a head . I don't know your husbands character , but I know I dismiss things that others would go and see doctors about . If you don't acknowledge it then it's not real. But it's been a wake up call to him and probably scared him .
Hope it all turns out for the best .

We males struggle at multitasking at the best of times. So we find things like breathing and listening at the same time a challenge . Add a football game into the equation and we go virtually deaf .

[Rose76]

Why do you suppose he's worried about his ability to perform at work? Isn't that how he contributes to keeping the home going? He would naturally worry that, if his job performance/capability is impaired, he could be let go. On the other hand, with a wife who loves him as much as you seem to, I doubt he's going around every day thinking, "She might dump me." I think most people worry about anything that affects their value as an employee because employers don't keep you around because they love you.

You sound like you love this man and believe he loves you. But you're telling us you feel slighted that your husband isn't in a state of anxiety over risking getting the heave-ho from you that he may fear getting from his boss. Arbie, you sound a trifle silly. Maybe you should lay it on the line in business-like fashion: "Well, Hubby-dear, I'll be doing your annual evaluation next month. I have to forewarn you that your attentiveness has been sub-standard for the position you hold in this home. I may have to put you on a 90 day probation. If your attentiveness doesn't improve within 3 months, I'll be taking applications from other recruits for the position of husband. I'ld hate to let you go, but I have standards to maintain around here."

Okay - maybe I misunderstand. What I've just said was because I took it that you see the survival of the marriage at state. Maybe you didn't mean that. Maybe you just meant that the quality of the marriage is compromised. He may be so satisfied with "the marriage" that he doesn't see that. What exactly is in jeopardy: "The Marriage" or your happiness? It's perfectly legitimate to say that you would like to be happier. You count too. I think women sometimes feel they can only complain about something, if they make the case that "It threatens the survival of the marriage." Does this really rise to that level? Mighten it just be that you would simply like to be responded to more attentively, and isn't your satisfaction in the relationship plenty important, even if you aren't mad enough to walk out over this.

I think we women weaken our position when we claim The Marriage is not doing well, when the husband is perfectly happy with it. It's his marriage too. My point is you might just want to negotiate for a change in his attitude. You might want to use the combination strategy of the carrot and the stick. "Honey, I'll be so much more happy, if you'll work on this little failing you have. Oh, and BTW, you're going to be so much less happy, if you don't." You see: right now The Marriage suits him just fine just the way it is. That you can change!

[Carmina]

Maybe he has ADHD? Or something similar?

[Crazy Hitch]

The way you communicate here seems perfectly fine to me. Hopefully you get to the root cause. I can see how it would be offensive that he didn’t listen when you explained something was wrong but he obviously just didn’t realise the extent or magnitude of what you were saying until now

[Albatross2008]

He's really worried now. He's just overdrawn the checking account for like the third time within a month. He's NEVER done that before. One thing I've always admired about him is his strong money management skills. We're not rich, but he doesn't waste what we've got, and until now, he's been very careful.

I think I know the problem here. It's his eyesight, not his brain. He's tech resistant and doesn't like paying bills online or by automatic withdrawal. He likes to do things the way he's always done it. He still writes paper checks. Those itty bitty check registers that come with the checkbooks... his writing is all cramped in close. He scans the list to see what checks have cleared, but he missed a couple because the writing was allintogetherlikethis and it's hard to pick one entry out from another one.

I've advised him to get a bigger book, maybe a notebook, to use as a check register. That way he can write bigger and leave more space in between, making it easier to see each individual entry. Let's just see if he listens to that suggestion, or if he blows it off too.

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by Carmina

Maybe he has ADHD? Or something similar?

He thinks he may be autistic, but neuropsychological testing hasn't been set up yet. It's supposed to be, but it hasn't happened so far.

Yes, it is the *quality* of the marriage, not the *continuation* of it, that is suffering. I don't like feeling shrugged off.

[Carmina]

Yeah somewhere on the spectrum was my other thought

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by Carmina

Yeah somewhere on the spectrum was my other thought

Barring that, my psychologist told me (when I was tested for autism myself, and it was ruled out) that severe PTSD can cause a lot of the same behaviors. We know for sure he has that. Up until now, it hasn't interfered with his ability to make a living.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Arbie

Barring that, my psychologist told me (when I was tested for autism myself, and it was ruled out) that severe PTSD can cause a lot of the same behaviors. We know for sure he has that. Up until now, it hasn't interfered with his ability to make a living.

Yeah that I know, I was concerned I was on the spectrum myself til I realised how much was understandable in terms of CPTSD (developmental trauma)

What bothers you is your husband only wanted to get checked after an issue with work.
Perhaps I think, work is less accepting of his condition so he has to put more effort into working well with the boss than to work with you.

[Albatross2008]

I suppose it makes sense that he knows I'm not going to "fire" him. I do wish he'd give me as much respect as he gives his boss, though. I can ask him to do something around the house, that I'm not able to do, and it can go for days, weeks, or even months before it gets done. If I say something weeks later, "Well, you didn't remind me." My own therapist called him on that. At what point, my therapist asked, does it become his responsibility to remember, rather than mine to remind him? He's not going to expect his boss to tell him to do things more than once. He's going to remember, because it's important. (All of this, my therapist said.) But me, he can get away with it. Maybe he's showing me I'm not his boss?

Originally Posted by Arbie

I suppose it makes sense that he knows I'm not going to "fire" him. I do wish he'd give me as much respect as he gives his boss, though. I can ask him to do something around the house, that I'm not able to do, and it can go for days, weeks, or even months before it gets done. If I say something weeks later, "Well, you didn't remind me." My own therapist called him on that. At what point, my therapist asked, does it become his responsibility to remember, rather than mine to remind him? He's not going to expect his boss to tell him to do things more than once. He's going to remember, because it's important. (All of this, my therapist said.) But me, he can get away with it. Maybe he's showing me I'm not his boss?

If he has a condition which eventually caused interference with work, then he has that condition.
As I said, he may be overwhelmed with work and has a problem with fulfilling your orders but is uncomfortable saying that because he's trying to be the best husband and best person he can be

[Albatross2008]

I'll be patient with him. I might have to vent here, though, so I *don't* vent it to him.

I hope that everything turns out okay in the end.