Need help how to help

Hi everyone,
I have been trying to deal with this issue for what seems like forever. I have been up now for weeks, and had to deal with a ex wife now who I believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. For years I dealt with emotional pain she gave me, she made me feel less of a person, at first it was great. She seemed amazing and I was happy. Then we broke up 3 times. Each time because she said "I wanted a romance novel". So then one day she called me up and we got back together. This time we quickly moved in together then quickly got married. It was great at first, then two years into our marriage she decided after a discussion with me, and me stating it was too soon for children, she decided on her own she wanted to get pregnant with our child. After my oldest son was born things began to spiral down. She wasn't as involved in his life. So I talked her into kid number two because I thought it would fix things. It didn't. Then as things went on she had an emotional affair with a co worker that may or may not have turned physical. Eventually her mother moved in our new home and I was removed. She asked me to leave in 2015. I was always picking her up off the floor. She had crashed multiple times in small ways making things more miserable. At the end she said I never did things that I had done. She said I never sent her flowers or gave her enough attention....Which to me seemed odd since that's all I did. I still don't know her reasons for wanting me gone other then I didn't give her more attention.

So after the divorce she has been multiple men. Sometimes 3 at a time (not at the same time). She had a huge amount of sex partners, once I can confirm she thought she may have been pregnant with one of there children. She didn't know which one it would have been. I helped her that night as her ex by picking her up off the floor (literally and figuratively). She had me take care of my children as my ex mother in law was not available. She asked me to sleep over, at first in our old bed then I moved to the couch. That morning she found out she was not pregnant, but now one of her men had dumped her, the one she actually wanted a relationship with, the other two where her "boy toys" she said. After I got the kids on the road to school she literally dismissed me. Since then (even way before) communication has stopped or is barley there.When it does happen it either goes to little or bad to insulting. So she also decided to spend less time with our children. She went out multiple times during the week and every weekend, while I had them for the last year and a half every weekend.

That being said after an 8 week courtship with 3 or more men, she decided to dump all the other men and marry one of them. She is 38 and he is 28. She didn't tell our children until the wedding day. This came as a shock to me, as I felt this was quick and irresponsible. At that time I asked for her to give me my kids full time. I was already seeing them weekly and my oldest son would ask her to stay home and she hasn't or wouldn't. So three weeks ago she told me she would think about it, making things bad for everyone involved. My sons now want to live with me full time. She heard this, argued and said she may consider it. At this time she, her new husband, and her mother went on the offensive saying horrible things. Like I won't take them to movies anymore, or be the cool dad. Then after I encourage a conversation she said to my oldest he would be leaving them, and how excited it will be now because she has decided to have another child. The backlash to this was personally to me awful to all parties.

Tuesday she decided it was time to discuss what I would do in this situation if I had them. After 27 min she said she would give them too me. Her questions where odd and in my opinion not legit questions someone should ask. More concerned odd weird things and not real facts like school or living information, but like how could I find them local doctors, and if my 4th grade son will be a 5th grader next year.
We did have a discussion yesterday after my son didn't want to go to school. Her opinion was I guess he didn't have too because he didn't want too. She asked me to talk to him to make him go. I did that and he went saying it wasn't an option he NOT go. She said she doesn't know how to act or say anymore to get him to do that right things. My youngest seems not effected. My oldest very much is. So I asked her to start being more transparent with them, and maybe have a fun night discussing what was going on and what we can do to make the transition fully. During the day she worked on court paperwork to make the change she said she is giving me today. She told him she would get them early from day care.
As someone who might guess, none of this happened. She was two hours late to get them, she decided to not "ruin" the day by talking about it and have the new husband play video games with my oldest. She then told me how my oldest was doing poorly and hiding bad grades from the last 3 weeks. I asked her what she had planned to do with that information and she told me nothing, and told me she didn't need my help or to talk.
So she says she will give me the paperwork needed tonight, she also is on prenatal vitamins because I guess getting pregnant now and not later is what she is doing. I am very concerned for her. This seems like she is heading for a major crash in the long run. She wont listen to me, I understand that. I have given up hope of a good resolution at this point. I have had to move on personally and realize after multiple attempts to prove that I am not who she thinks I am, that we personally will never get back together. So at this point I want to try and get this emotional roller coaster to stop for me and my children. I feel once she gets pregnant she will never see them again, which may or may not be accurate. But personally I am very concerned. How do I try and get her the help she needs without actually getting involved? No one is saying slow down,. No one is saying stop. What do I do? I don't have answers personally I do need them, but it's not time for that. Now I am so concerned about her and what comes next it keeps me up at night. Any suggestions or questions or clarifications will be helpful.

You have said she won't listen to you. Of course tell her (it sound like you have) that she needs help from a therapist with her impulses, crashes, help exercising better judgement, how to be a good parent, etc. It is good she is voluntarily allowing the children to live with you. If she does not follow through on this you might need to take her to court. You can't fix her unless she wants to change. Because you love your children and are concerned about how she is effecting them, it must be keeping you up at night. Try not to feel guilty about the things you have no control of. I think you are doing the right thing by attending to your boys needs whenever you can. From what you have described, it will be better for them to be with you more.

It could very well be that your ex is bipolar too and this can be why she gets manic and then collapses and gets confused.

My advise is to do whatever you can to get the children in your custody where you can provide a more stable environment for them because the behavior patterns your ex is exhibiting will affect your children in ways that can actually contribute to their experiencing life long challenges they really don't deserve to experience. Also, if your wife does suffer from bipolar disorder this is hereditary so you should be paying attention to your children to make sure they don't have this challenge. There may also be some borderline personality in the mix as well. I feel sorry for this new child she is having because she really sounds like a very unstable disordered person. So do your best at working on having your children live with you so they can experience a more stable environment and you can have a way to distance from this woman who has contributed to your own emotional confusion. If you can get her to sign something giving you custody of the children, that IMHO would be better for the children and as I mentioned help you distance from your ex too.

At this point do you think she is headed for a crash? Can I prevent this? Like she is is giving me legal custody papers today but that takes 30 days. Then they have school. I have about 3 months or so to get ready.

I did ask her this morning for more info. I said how concern I was and that she doesn’t need to rush like she is. She told me she wasn’t a spring chicken. She got mad at me and shut me down. I got a call from the school about my oldest son and was told about how his stomach pains are anxiety issues. I am taking them full time as soon as I humanly can. I just am worried about her.

irnmn,

Your ex wife is just that your ex and it's at the point where not only is there little you can do when it comes to her choices, but she clearly doesn't want your help. From what you have shared your ex-wife doesn't "care' about anyone but herself and your son's anxiety issues are reflecting how that is affecting him which is all the more reason to focus your attention on your children so they can have a stable adult they can count on and perhaps have a home environment that they can feel safe in too.

Forget her, she is an adult who is hurting your children and messing up their lives. Get full custody of the kids as soon as possible and get the oldest into therapy asp. Stop protecting her from her choices and let her suffer the consequences of her bad behavior. When she decides to be a real mother you can let her back into their lives but you job now is the kids, not her.

So she came last night to me saying she “forgot “ the paper work. Then went back to get it wasn’t complete. She said this was the hardest on her. So she said she would complete it before wed. I’m nervous she will bail. She told the kids this is happening But I’m stalled until I get that paperwork.

This is one of her challenged areas because she genuinely doesn't know how to commit to anything when it comes to "long term". That is why she tends to "need" so many partners and not be able to actually function in a consistent pattern. Somehow, your ex gained a sense of control by avoiding consistent "structure". Somehow, this is what she learned to practice in her history and this can also be due to having a condition called bipolar disorder where the individual experiences mania and then crashes and this makes it very hard for the individual to maintain a "normal" structure. However, this can also be borderline personality disorder that developed from an unpredictable childhood that was often chaotic and the only structure she knew was basically no structure that provided her with any sense of "consistency". Unfortunately, because she struggles with this challenge, she will create this instability in her children as well which is NOT fair or healthy for your's and her children.

At this point it sounds like she is "not" willing or receptive to getting help and seeing a therapist. So my suggestion is to approach this where you encourage her that by choosing to let you see to the children's needs it will free her up to having more time and freedom for herself without having the daily task of having to manage your children.

The more I talk to him the more horrified I am becoming. This isn’t normal right? He just asked me to never see her again. He is 9 and asks why mom goes upstairs with him to make noises and leaves him alone. She also has been making out with him i front of her. She said that shouldn’t be a problem for them. I’m stumped. How do I handle this crisis every week.

At this point that’s all I can do is manipulate her. I just don’t know what else to do. I found out her new husband takes the iPads I gave them for personal use and communication and he is using them. Even knows the passwords. He also has access to my iTunes which is he and her watch movies and all that. But that is a little thing compared to all of it. Like she told my youngest who’s name is Christopher to shorten his name because “that’s how it really is now” so he has been calling himself Chris. I don’t understand this. How is she is horrible?

If she doesn't bring the completed paperwork on Wednesday, get a lawyer involved. Only the courts can force her to change your current custody arrangement. That the children want to be with you instead of her says it all.

She's selfish Aand narcissistic if she can't put the kids first you may have to start documenting these things and go to court to get your kids away from her.

Yes, do whatever you can to get your children away from her where they can live with you and have their own space and can "feel" safe. You don't have to live in a palace, what is more important is that your children feel safe and can better predict having a safer environment instead of what they are experiencing with their mother. As your children are getting older your ex is showing she can't handle it because they have minds of their own which will make her feel less able to control them. Nammu could be correct in that it's possible that your ex has narcissistic personality disorder. That could explain her being dissatisfied and bored and having so many different relationships. Only a qualified professional would be able to diagnose her, all we can do here is state some could be's but we are not professionals.

It’s been three years. I dont know why I am having a tough time. I don’t know what brought her to this. I know I shouldn’t care. But I do. How do I move past this for them.

I’m in therapy right now and it just seems every week we have to keep putting our finger in the dam so I can make it for another few days.

Well, part of the problem is when you have children with someone and your relationship fails you still have to deal with that individual because you have children together. Yet, you need to see this woman for what she really is irnmn and from what you have shared of her, she is a very selfish individual and she doesn't respect anyone, not even her own children.

She said she is taking parenting classes now. What is her game plan now?

Good thing tomorrow is therapy. She says it’s in the divorce decree that we have to take parenting classes. She is ready to do it but I don’t see this. She also told me how much of a loser I am and she has the support I never will have. Her mom and her husband. Dude I hate mind games.