[tecomsin]

At the moment my meaning in life is found in the life of my son who recently graduated and is job hunting now at my sister's house but he refuses to talk to me. Or our texts irritate him, he views just about anything I say as either "feedback" "suggestions" or "advise" none of which he wants. So he is constantly saying he doesn't want to talk about what I just said and it is tiring for him. Now he muted messenger.

My sister says he is approaching his job hunting in a thoughtful way thinking of the overall trajectory of his career and I am sure he is getting all the help he needs. I would like to simply share the experience he is going through but he doesn't want that from me right now or I am not approaching it in the right way, or possibly both. It could be an unresolved anger from a fraught relationship we have had. IDK

Any insight, advise, suggestions or comments would be appreciated. I need another perspective to look at this.

[palerefraction]

I imagine it is a time of high stress and pressure for him. I know I have done the same in similar situations. "I appreciate the advice/thoughts/sentiment/etc. but I really don't want to talk about it right now".

He probably realizes the kind intent behind what you are telling him, and I'm sure if he wants to talk about anything he will bring it up.

The best advice I can think to give to you is talk to him about anything else. Don't worry about trying to work his job hunting into conversation. Don't talk about school. Send him a youtube video you think he might laugh at, or a funny picture you find online. How his favorite sports team is doing.

Best of luck (:

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

At the moment my meaning in life is found in the life of my son who recently graduated and is job hunting now at my sister's house but he refuses to talk to me.

I want to give you some insight from someone who was in your son's shoes. The above statement sounds super smothering to me. He may feel like you are trying to vicariously live through him, and, naturally, he wants his experiences to be his own.

So maybe take a step back, change up your approach. Give him some space, and the next text or phone call you send, instead of asking him specifically about what you want to know about, just ask him generally how he is doing, what he's up to, if he has any fun plans coming up, and let him guide what he wants to tell you.

There comes a certain time in life when children don't tell their parents everything. Your son seems to be trying to exert independence. I feel certain if you give him space and allow him to tell you, versus you asking, that he will open up and share with you again.

I know it's hard not to smother when you care so much and are obviously so proud of your son. But you gotta let him fly the nest.

Seesaw

[palerefraction]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I want to give you some insight from someone who was in your son's shoes. The above statement sounds super smothering to me. He may feel like you are trying..

Seesaw

You said it better than I did

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by palerefraction

I imagine it is a time of high stress and pressure for him. I know I have done the same in similar situations. "I appreciate the advice/thoughts/sentiment/etc. but I really don't want to talk about it right now".

He probably realizes the kind intent behind what you are telling him, and I'm sure if he wants to talk about anything he will bring it up.

The best advice I can think to give to you is talk to him about anything else. Don't worry about trying to work his job hunting into conversation. Don't talk about school. Send him a youtube video you think he might laugh at, or a funny picture you find online. How his favorite sports team is doing.

Best of luck (:

Ok, I'll try your advise and see if that helps. I also have to reorient myself to a new person really because he grew up a lot since the last time I've seen him... I'm sure of that.

I hope you are right about him realizing kind intent. He has in the past been really angry at me and I do wonder to what extent he still is. I feel sad and frustrated if I start to think he is angry at me.

His Dad died at age 8. I had to learn a lot about parenting on the fly. It didn't come naturally to me.

I want to see more or less where he is in life. I do not even know what his interests are at the moment. And he never was into sports. We used to talk about every thing from the big bang, to religion to politics to genetics to ethics
and we have to discover a new type of relationship. If I wait to hear from him then maybe once in a while I will but not often.

Then i think it is better not to disturb him, if that is what it is, but then I wonder if he'll think (again) that it is because i do not care that he doesn't hear from me, so I start to feel helpless, possibly even bitter, because once again I'm presented with a situation where I don't know what to do

I'm excited and proud of where he is now in life and optimistic but still some guilt over my past mistakes and how that contributed to his anger. I still worry about being a 'bad parent'. My son and I could have a heart to heart conversation if we were in person and he was in the mood. We could in the end communicate about really important things.

I played my part in getting him out of Guatemala urgently and relinquishing him to the care of my sister to get his teeth fixed, his driver's license, suits that fit, his resume, and all the connections she and her husband have and job interviews starting already next week. I wasn't in any shape to take care of another person either, so I find out how my son is doing through my sister.

yeah I feel frustrated and a bit despairing of our relationship.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Ok, I'll try your advise and see if that helps. I also have to reorient myself to a new person really because he grew up a lot since the last time I've seen him... I'm sure of that.

I hope you are right about him realizing kind intent. He has in the past been really angry at me and I do wonder to what extent he still is. I feel sad and frustrated if I start to think he is angry at me.

His Dad died at age 8. I had to learn a lot about parenting on the fly. It didn't come naturally to me.

I want to see more or less where he is in life. I do not even know what his interests are at the moment. And he never was into sports. We used to talk about every thing from the big bang, to religion to politics to genetics to ethics
and we have to discover a new type of relationship. If I wait to hear from him then maybe once in a while I will but not often.

Then i think it is better not to disturb him, if that is what it is, but then I wonder if he'll think (again) that it is because i do not care that he doesn't hear from me, so I start to feel helpless, possibly even bitter, because once again I'm presented with a situation where I don't know what to do

I'm excited and proud of where he is now in life and optimistic but still some guilt over my past mistakes and how that contributed to his anger. I still worry about being a 'bad parent'. My son and I could have a heart to heart conversation if we were in person and he was in the mood. We could in the end communicate about really important things.

I played my part in getting him out of Guatemala urgently and relinquishing him to the care of my sister to get his teeth fixed, his driver's license, suits that fit, his resume, and all the connections she and her husband have and job interviews starting already next week. I wasn't in any shape to take care of another person either, so I find out how my son is doing through my sister.

yeah I feel frustrated and a bit despairing of our relationship.

You are doing the best you can. That's all you can do.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I want to give you some insight from someone who was in your son's shoes. The above statement sounds super smothering to me. He may feel like you are trying to vicariously live through him, and, naturally, he wants his experiences to be his own.

So maybe take a step back, change up your approach. Give him some space, and the next text or phone call you send, instead of asking him specifically about what you want to know about, just ask him generally how he is doing, what he's up to, if he has any fun plans coming up, and let him guide what he wants to tell you.

There comes a certain time in life when children don't tell their parents everything. Your son seems to be trying to exert independence. I feel certain if you give him space and allow him to tell you, versus you asking, that he will open up and share with you again.

I know it's hard not to smother when you care so much and are obviously so proud of your son. But you gotta let him fly the nest.

Seesaw

Thank you Seesaw for your clarity and not hesitating to call it the way you see it.

So this is the day that I learned that I was smothering my son. This will take some time to slowly digest. I think this is what I learned that parenting was from my parents and grandmother.

I want to thank you for taking the time to give me the feedback and pointers into a more healthy direction. I hope you are right that if I give him space he will open up and share with me again.

[tecomsin]

Do I come across as over-ridden with guilt?