[Michael2Wolves]

I just needed a space to rant because right now, I really want to s-h with fists, and I don't know where else to post this, but I needed to get it out. I'm trying not to think about it, though.

It never fails, does it?

Finally find a person who I am physically attracted to (and that's a huge flaw of mine, I'll admit, but it seems like everyone tells me it's wrong to want to find someone with a pair of pretty eyes or other feature), and decide to completely cut out any sexual aspect to it for the sake of simply enjoying my time being with her as a person, and I still find ways to screw it up. Last night, I literally watched it unravel in front of me because of my own insecurities and fears that came out unexpectedly and in a way I didn't want them to. And I don't want to go into much detail because the circumstances involve her, and her secrets are her own to keep. I came very close to adding a scar to the collection I have for each name, but then I realized something else. It doesn't matter because whether I put it on my arm, or I don't, the scar is already there inside, waiting to fester, and every one of them was earned.

I think I am one of those rare people who can say that they truly deserve it. I managed to stop from hitting myself more than once, and good thing my retractable utility knife wasn't at hand. But none of it matters, I think, because it's not enough. It's never enough.

We were supposed to meet up today.

/sigh I really, really f*king hate you (me).

Ain't no rest for the wicked,
no sleep is for the damned--
the wolf inside ruined everything
with shallow sharp demands.

As I lay dying here
glad it's finally done--
my blood spilled with a sigh
not by sword or gun,

Now to dream the dreamless sleep
and never wake again--
death to the wolf that ruined it all
and never was my friend.

[curley]

Michael, finding someone who is physically attractive to you is not a flaw! Why would anyone want to be with someone they were not attracted to!? Some people carry that to the extreme when they feel no one is good enough!
Your post is so sad to me. I really hope you have someone professional to vent to cause I think it would really help.
If you are serious about hating yourself you will probably never find a good relationship and remember looks fade its what is on the inside that helps make a loving and long relationship!

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain

[Michael2Wolves]

Thank you, both. We both talked and got over it, thankfully, amazingly. I'd really thought I'd botched it. So I guess this is a success story? lol All I know is when I posted that, I was going out of my head, and this was a safe place to sort of vent and externalize it.

*breathes sigh of relief*

[emgreen]

I'm really glad you were able to work things out! There was a movie out a few decades ago called "When Harry Met Sally." One of the central themes was, "Can men and women become very close friends without becoming romantically involved?" It was kind of a funny, thought provoking movie. Is this similar to the situation you find yourself in?

[Michael2Wolves]

lol I remember that movie. It is similar to my situation (though our goal isn't to test the bounds of platonic friendship...lol). We both have caught each other's interest, and we both are deliberately taking our time just to appreciate each other as people before anything beyond that complicates it...

I'm finding a depth and nuance to the relationship, even as friends, that I somehow missed out on before with others, and it's been a very satisfying, very emotionally gratifying experience. I think that is what I, as a younger person, didn't have the wisdom to appreciate until I was a little older. One of those life lessons that has to be learned. And now that I have this opportunity with her, I find myself wanting to mark off each step of what I perceive of as milestones to doing things right rather than just chasing ephemeral pleasures and frivolity, if that makes sense.

Like, I want to do things right so badly that I've set a few milestones in my head that I want to ensure I reach before letting things get more complicated because then first, the relationship can grow based on a deep friendship, and once it's established the things that tend to complicate relationships (sex, for instance) won't carry as much fear and anxiety as if they would be if pursued at the beginning.

I think of it sort of as a net. The relationship is the net, and the strength of its knots are the depth of the friendship established beforehand so that when things like sex come up (and it always comes up eventually) and falls into the net, the net is able to catch it without tearing or breaking. Whereas if I spend all my time simply chasing the fleeting pleasures, my net isn't being made and when something like sex "falls into it," that will ultimately destroy it because there will be holes in it. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's sort of how I perceive it.

I want to establish the relationship as strongly as possible before letting other things into it, I guess. And in the meantime, I'm finding it such an amazing experience to simply be in the moment with her.

This in turn makes me more self-critical and what I perceive of as botching something she was like, "What? That? Pffff. Don't worry about it." I thought for sure I'd wrecked something beautiful before it even got off the ground. lol So I posted here to vent and at least get it out of myself to externalize it and look at it from a detached point of view. I'd like to think that even out of this situation, I was able to learn something and apply it to myself to better myself.

[Patagonia]

Cudos on this in-depth analogy; I like it.
Can I ask how old you are?

[Michael2Wolves]

I am celebrating my 5th anniversary of turning 33. lol I figured 33 was a good age to stop at, so this year will be my 5th 33rd birthday. :P

Thank you. It was helpful just to be able to have this here to be able to self-analyze. I'm constantly doing it in my head and I think that's part of why I'm so critical of myself. I set high standards for myself that I often fail to reach.

It makes me happy to know that you are happy.

[mugwort2]

It makes me happy too Michaelukl2Wolves. Curley is right. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone physically attractive as long as you are interested in their personality, their inner qualities too. BTW Happy 33rd birthday again and again.

[Patagonia]

I think this is a great piece that you’ve started to self analyze & see maybe a dark side that you’re not thrilled with. That’s hard to step away & look at w/o our emotions getting in the way bec we wanto protect ourselves.

What I noticed was your ability to slow down which I think is great in a relationship & savor it, but it seems like you have a check list of things that might be overpowering it? These “milestones” that seem to be linear in value. You talk about marking them off.
Who benefits from all these straight lines? Her? You? Or control?

I could really relate to the net analogy. I think it’s a beautiful way to think about a relationship...& you need to share this theory with her...or there is no net. Make sense? If you both understand the friendship net you’ll both use it.
So have you shared any of this with your partner so you’re both on the same page.
Just an opinion.
Keep posting instead of using fists. (Alpha wolf delegates power)

[Michael2Wolves]

I think the milestones I want to meet are more guideposts. They're not linear so much as just goals, and even those aren't set in stone. They're not well-defined, but I don't think they have to be at this point--getting to know her personality and her lifestyle seem more important than rushing to get physical. Physical stuff can wait--there's always time for that later, but once that box is opened, it can't really be closed again.

As for who benefits, I would like to think we both do. It deepens the relationship beyond the temporal and the tawdry. There's no control; it's simply being allowed to flourish organically with no presumptive demands to be one thing or another. I have shared that analogy with her, and I think she gets it, knows the why behind the reasoning. We both have the same relationship goals.

It's strange about the concept of the wolf, too, because I can feel it moving, shifting, as it were. Part of me is fighting accepting that the wolf and I are one and the same, and that's the part of me that fears what that means. I dunno...that still requires some more thinking to work through it, but I have the outline, at least.

[Patagonia]

Thank you for explaining this further. I totally see where you’re coming from now. Especially with the physical part, the view that once it’s opened it’s hard to put back, but physical can be on many different levels too.
I’m glad you’ve shared your ideas & ethics with her & you’re both on the same page. Makes a huge difference instead of using the subconscious as a guide.

So do you believe the wolf is a spirit animal or a part of your animal subconscious or animal brain from many many centuries ago. I do feel we carry many many parts which make up our true selves. (IFS therapy structure lol) love it!

[Michael2Wolves]

Yeah, physical intimacy doesn't have to mean sex. It can be something as mild as simply holding hands, but it's being caught in the moment that defines it, I think. And just being comfortable with someone's presence near you is just as nice.

Yeah, we both have good communication, so that helps, and we're both learning to trust each other with fears, too, because those are often the hardest to bring up, and usually cause the most problems.

The wolf, the wolves, actually, are metaphors. The Taoists had it right, I think, with the yin-yang. Black and white, with a touch of the opposite in each. Two wolves, two sides, two personality traits...we feed the wrong wolf a lot of the times, I think, and that wolf becomes almost too big to battle on your own. Plus, I'm a Gemini, so I'm already dual-natured. I know well the extremes.