I want a relationship. I do. I made the mistake of watching "the office" and seeing Jim and Pam. What I wouldn't give for a Jim. I am a Pam. No, I am better than a Pam. I have a good job with great health benefits and a relatively large home. Even if I am overweight, I am a catch. And frankly, I feel like I would be happy with just a good friend who would do stuff with me.

But, I just did it to myself again... I started on EHarmony determined to find someone. I actually decided not to pay because they blur the photos and I know I have a problem with getting an impression of someone by the photo that can ruin my like of them.

And I don't like any of them. NONE of them. 100 matches in. Beyond that.. the ones they highlighted for me as "compatible" are imho not. I have gone back over my profile and I am starting to think they just send you whomever signs up.

- I don't like sports.
- I don't like Passion for travel or the outdoors.
- I don't like men who devote themselves to their jobs.
- I don't like men who are bland and want to sound like a winner on their profile.

And this is all I seem to get. Now, it could be the questions they are forced to answer... but..

Then all of my friends and relatives are miserable in their marriages.

- One friend just found out her husband has luted the retirement nest egg on foolhardy things - he says collectables that cost a lot. This will also get them in tax trouble as, in lying to his wife, he didn't report it on their taxes. He says he hid it from her because he felt stupid. I just can't believe him. To me it is obvious he is having an affair. But I can't tell my friend that. She is 58 and now has zero savings. I see a divorce at 60 in her future.

- Another friend has only been married a year and her husband just blew up at her for not getting his beauty rest. She was making too much noise. He left the house! I mean that isn't a red flag? She was my hope. She like just woke up one day and found a guy and they were seemingly very happy. I thought, if she can just make up her mind to get married, so can I. But I did think it was too fast and now... cracks are starting.

I could go on and on but I can't ignore the fact that everyone I know how is married dislikes their husband and they are all hobbled in some way due to them, (job they don't like / location for job -- less savings-- needing to care for the kid).

I do want a good friend who would do stuff with me but I just cannot find that. And I just can't seem to make myself believe I can find that for more than about 3 seconds.

I feel like I sabotage myself signing up for these services and never doing anything with them but the truth is.. NO one, on these sites has ever as much as interested me. Their profiles are typically bland and everything on the planet that I dislike.

Why is it so hard to find this. I just want to find someone who isn't going to bring my life backwards.

[Open Eyes]

It's not all that surprising that when you join a dating site service you don't see anyone that you feel could be a fit for you. I do know someone that has been successful at being self sufficient like you are and she flat out said that the one thing she could find easily is a guy that wanted basically a sugar mama they could move in with who would take care of them in return for their companionship. Actually, most of her good friends are outgoing and motivated women that are married but are the main bread winners where pretty much their husband is dependent on them.

What I can say is that it's not a bad thing if someone happens to like sports or likes to play gulf or has a passion of his/her own. You would not want to have to provide EVERYTHING to a partner and it's not a bad thing a partner can have something they can engage in while you engage in your own passion. It isn't a bad thing if a man enjoys his job either after all, don't you enjoy working and engaging? If a man enjoys his work then he may have more respect for how you engage your work too. Actually, a couple can have their own careers and enjoy discussing the various political challenges that always come with any kind of career. Sometimes it's nice to have a partner that actually understands having a working career and then wanting to have someone they can come home to and decompress with and veg out with, isn't that what you want?

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It isn't a bad thing if a man enjoys his job either after all, don't you enjoy working and engaging? If a man enjoys his work then he may have more respect for how you engage your work too. Actually, a couple can have their own careers and enjoy discussing the various political challenges that always come with any kind of career. Sometimes it's nice to have a partner that actually understands having a working career and then wanting to have someone they can come home to and decompress with and veg out with, isn't that what you want?

Actually I don't think any of that follows. When I meet passionate men, it usually means, their passion wins because I am more important.

passionate about sports translates to, I will sit on my arse all weekend watching sports OR go to games,
passionate about career means, I will expect my job, no matter how stupid to come first,
passionate about food means I will be dragged to restaurants all the time that I probably won't like

why isn't anyone passionate about sitting on their rump? Why isn't anyone passionate about not being passionate.

The profiles are al what they think a girl wants to hear.

[TishaBuv]

Maybe try doing the things you enjoy doing and you will meet some people through that.

What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? I’m curious because I feel there is nothing to do. Inspire me!

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Actually I don't think any of that follows. When I meet passionate men, it usually means, their passion wins because I am more important.

passionate about sports translates to, I will sit on my arse all weekend watching sports OR go to games,
passionate about career means, I will expect my job, no matter how stupid to come first,
passionate about food means I will be dragged to restaurants all the time that I probably won't like

why isn't anyone passionate about sitting on their rump? Why isn't anyone passionate about not being passionate.

The profiles are al what they think a girl wants to hear.

I think you’re making a lot of assumptions here. If someone isn’t passionate about their job, how would they find a sustainable career and enjoy going to work? Would you prefer someone who comes home miserable every day before they hate their job? Or someone who changes jobs all the time?

If you do want to meet someone, why not try talking to someone and seeing if they have more to say? Perhaps your profile comes off as bland too but you may be more interesting once you’ve started a conversation. I’m not saying the pickings online are great. Who knows. But the reasons you’re ruling these guys out don’t seem to make sense.

[Open Eyes]

Then you want some guy that isn't passionate about anything and just wants to sit on their rump and veg out with you?

[~Christina]

You have nothing to lose by meeting a few for coffee

If my husband was online dating I bet he would have a bland profile. In reality he is the most loving kind funny intriguing, loves to have conversations with.

[divine1966]

I believe most people are passionate (or really enjoy it) about something. Sure there are people who have no interests or hobbies and are just “blah” or as you said “sit on their rump” but why would you date someone like that?

Passionate about career could mean person enjoys it but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’d be going to work on their days off. Some jobs don’t even allow it. I love my job very much but certainly I don’t neglect my husband. I am passionate about art but it doesn’t come before well being of my loved ones.

But if you prefer someone with no particular hobbies/interests or passions you can find someone like that too I guess...

I think unless you talk to people you can’t really know if by “passionate” they mean they have exciting hobbies and are enjoying it or that they are obsessed and addicted to things.

I also see some contradictions. You don’t like men who have passions for things and prefer them sitting on their rumps, at the same time you are saying they seem bland and uninteresting. It’s confusing.

Is there something you particularly enjoy doing?

I agree with Christina, it might be fun to dip your toe in the water and meet a few guys who may seem 'bland' on screen. You never know until you actually meet them - one of them could be your 'Jim'.

[LadyShadow]

Honestly, there is really nothing wrong with someone being passionate about sitting on their rump, because hey, I do it too!

BUT......

Ususally people who are like that, can come across as bland on their profiles, because they aren't really passionate about anything, so you are going to totally pass them off before anything gets started, so that is just working against you from the start.

Also, making assumptions about what people put in their profile, and judge them on it, or what their intentions are for writing what they wrote, is basically cutting off your foot when you are trying to run into someone's arms.

There is nothing wrong with knowing your worth, and dating sites are a real pain and hard to deal with, but you need to be more open-minded when looking for your "Jim" from the Office, because all this judgment and assumption is not going to get you where you need to go.

Good luck!

[seesaw]

I have nothing to add, Emily, except that I joined eHarmony a few weeks ago and I, too, am disappointed in the results. And I paid. Granted, I haven't been looking at it very much because I've been busy, but I understand everything that you have said.

My ex was passionate about his job. Which meant anytime we had plans and something at work came up, he couldn't put up boundaries and say "I'm sorry, I'm not working tonight." He immediately ran to every client's imagined emergency. I was never a priority to him. Our relationship was never a priority, even though he said it was all the time...But actions speak louder than words.

Another ex was passionate about his career in music...so passionate that even though he made no money, he couldn't do anything else to actually pay the rent.

I could go on and on... but I understand the red flags you speak of.

Seesaw

[stahrgeyzer]

Isn't there a dating site that offers better matching? I gave up looking ages ago. Your requirements don't seem so unusual. Mine are impossible.

Originally Posted by seesaw

Another ex was passionate about his career in music...so passionate that even though he made no money, he couldn't do anything else to actually pay the rent.

a friend's husband was passionate about his music job as musical director of a church. He made no money. Popped out two kids with his wife. When he was never around *because of his so important job* she divorced him. Wait for it... she now has to pay him Alimony. I always felt she married and have kids due to pressure from parents (her family is very religious).

But I just don't see any human over 25 who can legitimately be passionate about music. That is a red flag. But mostly the answers are things that IMHO people think they need to say.

I really don't know if e-harmony is legit. So far all my "matches" are not really matches. I don't think I have anything in common with them.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

a friend's husband was passionate about his music job as musical director of a church. He made no money. Popped out two kids with his wife. When he was never around *because of his so important job* she divorced him. Wait for it... she now has to pay him Alimony. I always felt she married and have kids due to pressure from parents (her family is very religious).

But I just don't see any human over 25 who can legitimately be passionate about music. That is a red flag. But mostly the answers are things that IMHO people think they need to say.

I really don't know if e-harmony is legit. So far all my "matches" are not really matches. I don't think I have anything in common with them.

Well, I do know plenty of people over the age of 25 who are passionate about music and legitimately are musicians who make good salaries playing with the symphony or other ensembles and/or teaching.

I just felt like I didn't have very many matches and, yes, didn't really seem like we would match up intellectually and interest wise.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by seesaw

Well, I do know plenty of people over the age of 25 who are passionate about music and legitimately are musicians who make good salaries playing with the symphony or other ensembles and/or teaching.

Not my experience. But It is just one of the things that gives me pause. Especially when the rest of the profile seems to hint at an amateur passion for music.

I do think Eharmony contributes to the problem forcing people to answer sort of ridiculous questions. Such as "what are you passionate about" which I don't think is something I care about at all. I think a better lead would be something like what are you really looking for.. be honest.

[divine1966]

I agree it could be immature if passion for music means going dancing to clubs or drunk throwing ones underwear at the band in a local pub LOL but many people are passionate about music because they professionally play 5 different instruments or are opera singers (examples).

I think many people claim to be passionate about music because they listen to it. I find it “passive”. Those musicians are passionate about their music because they play and you are just passionate listening to them? But you can only find out by talking to people what they mean by passionate. I think maybe passionate is too strong of a word and it throws you off.

PS I wouldn’t judge people on having passions. I am passionate about art (i exhibit in local and regional art show and have art Education, art means ton
To me ), Education and children (over 25 years of teaching and raised my own), literature (I have a degree in it and I constantly read enormous amount of literature in3 languages) and travel (I’ve been to 20 countries-some way more than once, in some like 10 times, and 20 states again many more than once- and I haven’t lived in the US my whole life so it’s a lot).

So my passions are legit. None of it makes me a bad partner or a crazy immature person. You can’t assume that people will be bad partners because they have “passions”. You just got to talk to them to find out

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Not my experience. But It is just one of the things that gives me pause. Especially when the rest of the profile seems to hint at an amateur passion for music.

I do think Eharmony contributes to the problem forcing people to answer sort of ridiculous questions. Such as "what are you passionate about" which I don't think is something I care about at all. I think a better lead would be something like what are you really looking for.. be honest.

Yeah, that question was just really stupid to me. Like, I'm passionate about a lot of things...and why must we all be "passionate"? Passionate people can be really exhausting. Maybe I'm not looking for someone passionate.

Ug.

Seesaw

I agree 'passionate is like a modern buzzword, it crops up at job interviews too, so we have to pretend we are 'passionate' even when that is not the word we would use otherwise.