What are acceptable ways to a closer relationship with others?

Whether it be looking up to someone, dating, or plain old friendship, what are acceptable ways to get close to those people? I already know the inappropriate ways (e.g. always showing up to work on days off to see colleague you look up to) which made people feel smothered and uncomfortable, but idk what to actually DO. Yet, other people seem to have it figured out.

For instance, a former coworker recently graduated high school. When she was in school, she really looked up to one of her teachers. That particular teacher is friends with all her students on Facebook bc she's cool like that and her school didn't have policy against that. So on Facebook, that teacher posted on my coworker's timeline saying she missed her in class. My coworker replied "You're still my favorite teacher, I promise. I'm taking your class next year." Several months later, her teacher wished my coworker a happy birthday. My coworker replied, "Thanks! I love you and I miss you."

How the HELL could she look up to her teacher and not get shunned? Every time I try that crap on someone, they eventually get mad and permanently walk out on me. (OK now I know why but I didn't before).

And I have a 4 year old nephew who is loving and nice to everyone. He was with his parents at a bank once and grabbed 2 suckers. When his parents admonished him that he should only take one, my nephew explained he wants to give the other one to his preschool teacher. When he did that, the teacher was happy that he liked her so much.

Would that be equivalent to me buying my fast food supervisor Mountain Dews? And that Sour Patch Kids? And Goldfish? Because that's what the HELL I did multiple times, just like my nephew did the same thing a few times.

Bottom line: How come other people could successfully seek close relationships and I couldn't?

Ruby, the difference between your nephew's behavior and your behavior is that he is 4. You are an adult. When you begin showering attention on someone that you only have a work relationship with, it becomes uncomfortable. Can you not see that the actions of a 4 year old are on a different level than the actions of an adult?

As far as your friend, the relationship she has is with a teacher, and there are also proper boundaries in place. With your fast food supervisor, you did not respect her boundaries. I'm guessing your friend doesn't hang around her teacher during times when she isn't supposed to be at school or eavesdrop in on her conversations with the principal. You have to see that there is a difference. A student/teacher relationship will have a lot of "looking up" to and mentorship. But there are still boundaries, which your friend and her teacher both respect.

What you did was unsuccessful because you showed up when you were not wanted and refused to give your supervisor her boundaries. You FORCED a relationship on her instead of letting it develop naturally. For example, when you insisted that she be FORCED to wish you a happy birthday. You wanted to control her emotions. That is not a healthy friendship.

What you need to learn to develop close relationships is to respect other people's boundaries. It's totally okay to find out that your co-worker likes Sour Patch Kids and bring them a small pack and say "I remembered you liked these so I picked up some to say thanks for all your help." That's an appropriate way to show your acknowledgement of someone. But showering gifts on someone all the time is inappropriate as an adult to someone who you do not have a steadfast friendship with. Also, it's inappropriate to give gifts to your supervisor because of the nature of the managerial relationship. Only on the rarest occasion would it be a good idea. Certainly not as many times as you mentioned.

What you need to do is be careful and very cautious, because you have trouble understanding boundaries and people's limits. If you proceed with caution as you develop friendships, you will be more successful in building close relationships. But remember, close relationships take time to build. They don't happen overnight.

This is really something that you need to work with your therapist on.

Seesaw

Currently, my behavior renders me undeserving of anyone being nice to me. Whoever is kind to me could potentially be a victim of me “looking up” to them. I hope that someday, that could all change. I guess I’ll start from scratch and at least not show up to work on my days off. And not hang around that person ALL the time. Nuances can be learned later. Just wondering at what age does a typical person master the whole boundaries thing?

Usually, people learn boundaries as children. Children will unknowingly violate boundaries, an adult will explain to them why what they did is a unacceptable, and the child will not do it again. You have now been told which boundaries you violate and why it’s not acceptable— it’s now up to you to learn from that guidance and not do it anymore. In general, if you want to learn about boundaries, pay attention to how adults behave. Not children! Children are still learning about boundaries and what’s acceptable for a 4 year old is not acceptable for an adult. Just think about it: if a small child were to run outside naked, the parents might laugh and think it’s funny and just get he child back inside. If an adult did it, they could be arrested for indecent exposure.

The way to develop healthy relationships is to respect other people’s boundaries. Do not follow them around. Do not eavesdrop on their conversations. Do not show up to their work or homes when you’re not scheduled to be there. Don’t bring people gifts unless it’s a birthday and other people are likely to bring gifts also. If you’re at work, just focus on work. If people are having lighthearted conversation, it’s okay to participate. But don’t let it overwhelm the work. Focus on being professional. If a friendship is going to develop, it will happen naturally and it will be TWO sided. The other person will invite you to hang out or show an interest in you. Maybe you could let the other person initiate the friendship and set the boundaries, so you’re sure that it is two sided?

I'm curious. Why do you use the phrase "looking up to?"

- Phantogram

It disturbs me that you are still using the phrase "looking up to" to describe your inappropriate idolization of and stalking of people you know.

1. Respect other people's boundaries
2. Stop comparing yourself to children under 10 and start observing how people your own age act.

Yes, this is a great start.

Because I really did think highly of her and several other ppl before her. I thought she was a great manager and a great person. A girl she used to work with at another fast food joint thought so too. She posted on Facebook basically what a positive influence the supervisor had on her and how very difficult it is to work at fast food, especially as a GM. She tagged her in that post. She posted about dealing with teenage employees and angry customers. Then she ended with how amazing that supervisor really is and said that she loved her. That post was almost 2 years after they STOPPED working together. And the supervisor reacted positively.

I’m sure she also reacted positively to her IRL when they used to work together. I obviously can’t imitate her since I never worked with her, but I tried to imitate my coworkers who also really liked my supervisor. That’s how come I got accused of talking her ears off while at work and I wasn’t even aware I did that. To this day, I’m not even sure I even called her name constantly like she said I did.

Is there a type of therapy that can teach you all the society cues you are not capable of learning due to your ASD? Do you see a therapist? Does that therapist have a suggestion?

This is my concern, Ruby. You repeatedly say "looking up to" when, for you, that means to stalk that person, or at the very least ignore their boundaries and hold them accountable for your behavior. The way you look up to someone lacks respect. So you're not looking up to them. Stop using this term.

When you look up to someone, it's a feeling of respect for that person. That's it. It means to admire and hold someone in a higher regard because of their role in a specific community. And to have that feeling should inspire you to improve your own character and become a better citizen within your community. You shouldn't be attention-seeking in this case. Instead, you need to sit down and contemplate how you can inspire others in a positive and healthy way? And if you truly respect someone who is a role model for you, you need to ask yourself what qualities do they possess that make them influential in their community? How can you develop these qualities?

Before speaking to this person, put yourself on a strict deadline when it comes to communication. Ask them if they have 10 minutes to talk to you. Be patient (because they don't have to talk to you at all if they don't want to). Have questions prepared before speaking with them. Do not get invasive.

You have to ask yourself, When I look up to someone, would I want a child to look up to me in the same way? Can I inspire someone younger than me or as inexperienced as I am?

You compare yourself to a child, you need to become the kind of woman that a child would want to look up to. Use your energy for personal growth.

- Phantogram