Hopelessly in Love With the Wrong Person

JessLynn · Feb 23, 2018, 08:29 AM

I'm talking to my ex girlfriend who I broke up with 3 weeks ago for the 3rd time. We used to live together, but we developed a drug abuse issue together, she is a little narcissistic, emotionally abusive, but she doesn't MEAN to be, she is just unwell same as me, but in slightly different ways. But the first and second time I broke up with her, it was over methamphetamine use. The third time, it was because she was being emotionally abusive toward me.

Now, we have been talking for about a week over email, pictures and a phone call when she had an emergency. I am so in love with her that I have vivid dreams of running away and living with her. But my mom says it's a choice between her and my family. I will be making a choice and abandoning my family if I get back together with her this time. They won't support me. It's so complicated because my heart is hers.

seesaw · Feb 23, 2018, 08:44 AM

(((Jess)))

I think this person is bad news for you. If you were both to go through rehab and make a commitment to being drug-free, I could see you continuing on. But she will never contribute to your recovery. That's why your parents are cutting you off over her. They see it as a decision towards continuing your addiction.

I'm always here for you, regardless, but I do think it's a bad idea to get back together with her unless you are both in treatment/recovery.

Seesaw

Bill3 · Feb 23, 2018, 10:05 PM

Quote:

she is a little narcissistic, emotionally abusive, but she doesn't MEAN to be, she is just unwell same as me, but in slightly different ways.

You say that she is unwell and that is why she is abusive.

You also are unwell. Are you equally abusive to her?

Artchic528 · Feb 23, 2018, 10:42 PM

Stick with your family. Blood is thicker than water, after all. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have only one family.

~Christina · Feb 23, 2018, 10:56 PM

How long have you been together? Together with out drugs in the mix ?

JessLynn · Feb 23, 2018, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

You say that she is unwell and that is why she is abusive.

You also are unwell. Are you equally abusive to her?

I have spoken to her about it and no, I have not been equally abusive to her :/

JessLynn · Feb 23, 2018, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Stick with your family. Blood is thicker than water, after all. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have only one family.

That's what I thought too but she is dragging me back in by the second and I feel drawn to her, like I absolutely need her. Make any sense?

JessLynn · Feb 23, 2018, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

How long have you been together? Together with out drugs in the mix ?

We've been together a year total. 6 months without drugs, 6 months with. Although the drug use has come to an end on both of our parts, we have both been clean more than 3 months.

~Christina · Feb 23, 2018, 11:35 PM

So drugs are outta the situation yet it’s still not anywhere close to a healthy relationship. Cut your losses unless you want to cycle this relationship over and over

I wish you luck , she can only drag you back in IF YOU let her

JessLynn · Feb 23, 2018, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

So drugs are outta the situation yet it’s still not anywhere close to a healthy relationship. Cut your losses unless you want to cycle this relationship over and over

I wish you luck , she can only drag you back in IF YOU let her

It's more complicated than that, we were both monsters coming off of it but we can be different people now.

healingme4me · Feb 24, 2018, 12:32 AM

What about relationship counseling? Then you'll both understand your dynamics and how it plays out in your lives?
I'd imagine that you are an adult and that this really isn't your mom's decision to make? Maybe the toxicity has created a toll on her? Are you all in various counseling since it's a crisis?

JessLynn · Feb 24, 2018, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

What about relationship counseling? Then you'll both understand your dynamics and how it plays out in your lives?
I'd imagine that you are an adult and that this really isn't your mom's decision to make? Maybe the toxicity has created a toll on her? Are you all in various counseling since it's a crisis?

I'm open to relationship counselling but my family won't hear anything of it. I'm 25 years old and it is my decision to make but my family will disown me this time, I have been warned, and that is still a heavy burden to consider :/ I am in counselling, but I am currently the only one.

seesaw · Feb 24, 2018, 11:10 AM

Are they saying they will disown you or not support you? I think saying disown is pretty severe and not right, but I think it's within their rights to say they can't financially support you if they feel it's about keeping you sober. They don't want to enable you to harm yourself or them.

divine1966 · Feb 24, 2018, 11:12 AM

So this isn’t a debate over ending 25 years of marriage that was good and then went bad, you’ve been only together a year, 6 months of which was while on drugs. It’s a short lived relationship that was unhealthy from the start. If it starts with drama and toxicity it’s not going to get better (typically). Do you see a therapist? You might want to address why you are so attached to someone you’ve only known for a short awhile?

JessLynn · Feb 24, 2018, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seesaw

Are they saying they will disown you or not support you? I think saying disown is pretty severe and not right, but I think it's within their rights to say they can't financially support you if they feel it's about keeping you sober. They don't want to enable you to harm yourself or them.

No, they don't want anything to do with me if I go back to her :/ I would never go back to the drugs. She doesn't even want any part in the drugs. And if I went back to her, there would be rules. I would want us to go to counselling together, or at least her to go separately to talk to someone about her anger and control issues. You know?

JessLynn · Feb 24, 2018, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

So this isn’t a debate over ending 25 years of marriage that was good and then went bad, you’ve been only together a year, 6 months of which was while on drugs. It’s a short lived relationship that was unhealthy from the start. If it starts with drama and toxicity it’s not going to get better (typically). Do you see a therapist? You might want to address why you are so attached to someone you’ve only known for a short awhile?

Well, I find that statement a little bigoted. Especially since borderlines are known for forming close, intimate relationships very quickly. Not saying it's good or bad, but it's fact. Hmm. Something you may not know about me is that I have BPD and it's been really effecting my life in a negative way lately. Ruining my relationships and ability to work or function.

Jet1973 · Feb 24, 2018, 05:28 PM

From an outsiders perspective, which is what it seems you were looking for by posting here, this is an unhealthy relationship that will probably end badly. I hope that isn't the case, and it obviously isn't what you want to hear, but that's the reality. What is going to be different this time? Is she open to counseling? Will it make a difference? You've listed several negatives about getting involved with her again, are you sure you're willing to deal with them, and with unforeseen difficulties as well?

Be careful, and try to let your head make the decision instead of your heart. It's hard, I know, when those feelings are there.

Macd123 · Feb 24, 2018, 05:32 PM

Not healthy - listen to your family. 🙏

seesaw · Feb 24, 2018, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JessLynn

Well, I find that statement a little bigoted. Especially since borderlines are known for forming close, intimate relationships very quickly. Not saying it's good or bad, but it's fact. Hmm. Something you may not know about me is that I have BPD and it's been really effecting my life in a negative way lately. Ruining my relationships and ability to work or function.

Jess, this is all the more reason to see a T and work on this. Just because it's a symtpom of BPD that you form close relationships fast does not mean it's a healthy relationship or that it's with a healthy person. It may be a pattern for you because of the BPD but that doesn't mean you should excuse it or not examine if the relationships you create are healthy. I feel like you are blowing off the red flag here by saying "well, I have BPD, and this is normal for us." When in fact it's your disordered thinking that is causing you so much pain. You can address this in therapy and work towards healthier relationships. You do not need to settle for this person who has been abusive towards you.

Deejay14 · Feb 24, 2018, 07:15 PM

Jess, if I remember correctly didn't you just post a very short time ago that you were suicidal and were lamenting how you couldn't get into a hospital. Take this time to work on you. Going back into this relationship when you've both had such a short time of sobriety just has disaster written all over it. Don't give up your family for a relationship that doesn't seem to have a lot going for it. You are just 25 and will do what you will do, so give it lots of thought. You need less drama, not more if you have BPD.